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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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58 minutes ago, narre said:

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia...

But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug!

 

I was told there's a cure coming for dyslexia. Music to my arse. 

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I P Knightley
13 hours ago, 80bob said:

What’s a giants favourite Xbox game....FIFA fo fum 

Who's been opening their Christmas crackers early?

 

One night a bloke comes into the pub looking dishevelled and pulling up his flies. His mate, who's there waiting for him asks why he's in such a state. 

"There's a saucy bursd in a car out there having wild sex with  anyone who wants it."

So the mate goes out to the pub car park, sees a car with steamy windows, gets in and gets down to the business. 

A couple of minutes later there's a knock on the window and a copper is shining his torch in.

"What's going on here, sir?" asks the copper.

"I'm just having a bit of sex with my wife", replies the guy.

"Sorry, sir. I never realised it was your wife." says the policeman.

"Neither did I until you shone your torch on her."

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13 hours ago, narre said:

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia...

But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug!

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who choked on his own Vimto?

He then sold his soul to Santa.

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I'll always remember my granddad's last words to me, before he kicked the bucket.  He said, 'here son, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'

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I hope when I die I go peaceful and quiet just like my grand father.

Not like the 35 passengers who were on his bus at the time.

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My neighbour, who's a homehelp, found an old guy dead in his livingroom wearing a corset, stocking and suspenders, with a rope round his neck and a tangerine in his mouth.

 

He was actually wearing a Hibs shirt, but she changed him to save the family any embarrassment.

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On 11/12/2019 at 02:04, Smithee said:

 

I was told there's a cure coming for dyslexia. Music to my arse. 

Reminds of the time, when a dyslexic pimp bought a Warehouse

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On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 13:01, narre said:

A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand.

I took it back to her & we got chatting

. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her.

When we'd finished I asked her, "Do you shag everyone on a first date?"

She said, "No. Only those who catch my eye!"

:laugh2:

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Rumour has it the French wanted Concorde's nose to turn up the way as it landed.

 

 

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

 

 

If you watch '127 Hours' backwards its basically a really nice film about a one armed man who finds his arm in between a rock.

 

 

"Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?""

Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in."

 

 

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The dog ran off last night,

so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder,

so I shaved my head and got a tattoo.

But I still can't find the fekn dog!

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My 5 year old nephew just told me this one.

 

What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?

 

Where’s my Tractor?

 

:rofl:

 

Edited by iantjambo
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A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third year students.

She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you David, how would you say it?”

David said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”

Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

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scott herbertson
15 hours ago, narre said:

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for Christmas...

You should have seen their little faeces light up!

:arf:

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Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative?
A r s e skin for a friend.

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 I was in the pub one of my mates on Saturday night and a group of four big lads offered us outside. My mate said we should pretend we're the police to scare them off. 

I only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of me. 

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Just been to Tesco with the wife and completely out of the blue she said, "What a lazy ******* you are!"

I was so stunned I almost fell out of the trolley!

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Don,t know if this is a scam or not but I,ve just received a phone call saying I,d won £250.00 cash or two tickets to an Elvis Tribute night.It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

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N Lincs Jambo
3 hours ago, 132goals1958 said:

Don,t know if this is a scam or not but I,ve just received a phone call saying I,d won £250.00 cash or two tickets to an Elvis Tribute night.It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

 

I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂

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1 hour ago, N Lincs Jambo said:

 

I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂

 

Suppose I have to accept I am auld. 😒

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2 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said:

 

I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂

he he he

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  • 5 weeks later...

Many girls seem to marry men who are like their father --- which is probably why so many mothers weep at weddings.

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A man walks into a lawyer’s office and speaks to the lawyer.

“I know your rates are very high, but I’m willing to pay $500 to get the answer to two questions.  Will you do that?

“Certainly,” replies the lawyer.  “What’s the second question?”

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Three men book into a busy ski lodge so they have to share a bed.

Man on the right wakes up and says,

"I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job."

Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream.

" Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

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Just bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs.

" I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?

" He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"

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