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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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superjack
1 hour ago, Carl Fredrickson said:

image.png.6db9fe5d7dddc8f50a46ac6ce1408015.png

The poor dog. Its next jobbie could spell disaster.

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Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look Fat in this dress??"

Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT  I say.... You won't get mad.."

Wife: "Ok.. I promise."

Husband: "I ****ed your sister."

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milky_26

Gary Barlow blocked me on twitter

 

whatever i said, whatever i did, i didn't mean it....

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rudi must stay

Why is Elton John wanting to go into space

 

Cos he's a rocketman 

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3 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Why is Elton John wanting to go into space

 

Cos he's a rocketman 

Did you make that one up yourself, Rudi?

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10 hours ago, Morgan said:

Did you make that one up yourself, Rudi?

He makes all of them up himself.  You've got to love a trier and the thread is about crap jokes, so Rudi is more than doing his bit.

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superjack

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists  that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

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Ulysses
6 minutes ago, Jim_Duncan said:

On a similar theme…

 

”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘judicious’ in it, please?”

 

”Miss!”

 

”Yes, little Johnny?”

 

”Hands that judicious can be as soft as your  face, with mild green Fairy liquid.”

 

On a slightly tangential theme…

 

”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘contagious’ in it, please?”

 

”Miss!”

 

”Yes, little Johnny?”

 

”I was nearly late for school.  I couldn't brush my teeth because my brother was in the bathroom going to the toilet, and it took the contagious to finish.”

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Ulysses
1 minute ago, Jim_Duncan said:

😁

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Declined to report you for breaking rule 4 😜

 

 

 

A work colleague of mine went to a Christian Brothers school in Dublin city centre - the same place where James Joyce and Stephen Elliott went to school, as it happens.  Anyway, he's a rugby fanatic, and I asked him if he got his interest in the game at school.

 

"Jaysus, no, you'd be in trouble for playing rugby in them days.  It was Gaelic football all the way in that school - from the minute you were off the priest's knee."

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