loganjambo Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 guy with parkinsons goes out to the ice cream van, asks for a cone, ice cream seller says.what flavour, we have choc mint,vanilla,strawberry. parkinson guys says it wont matter as i will drop anyway.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 I bought my friend an elephant for her room, she thanks, and I just said it’s ok, I don’t want to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 I've now run out of toilet paper so I'm having to use newspapers now. The Times are rough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 From Tam Cowan Off the ball yesterday Two guys fighting over the last packet of toilet roll in the supermarket. One finally grabs it and runs away. The other shouts Stick they toilet rolls up your arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 I asked my wife why she never tells me when she is about to orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to interrupt me at my work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 "Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 The amount of Covid-19 jokes going around is becoming quite worrying. If it keeps up, this could become a pundemic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 Just to make you all aware of a dangerous Coronavirus email going around titled ‘Knock Knock’ Do Not Open It It was created by a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 My wife only likes sex doggy style. She makes me beg for it, then she rolls over and plays dead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick... She's probably pulling your leg! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 So I said to Arnie, "Where did you get those toilet rolls?" He said, "Aisle B, back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 A question to all those panic buying ice cream, tinned fruit and raspberry sauce; are you planning to self isolate for a month of sundaes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning... I love felt tip pens! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Susie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Susie didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Susie with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Magic Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19. Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 8 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said: Prince Charles is currently at Balmoral self isolating with Covid 19. Meanwhile Prince Andrew is at Windsor Castle self isolating with Hannah 14. He got bored of Jennifer quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, kila said: He got bored of Jennifer quickly. He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog. Edited March 25, 2020 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 19 minutes ago, superjack said: He was also with fiona, Also 14, according to Facebook, the dirty dog. sounds like a really dodgy version of mambo no 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 3 hours ago, kila said: He got bored of Jennifer quickly. Let alone Alison, phillipa and sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Me: *sends my son to his room* My Son: Jim Morrison sucked! Me: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 On 23/03/2020 at 03:42, narre said: If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick... She's probably pulling your leg! On 23/03/2020 at 03:46, narre said: My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning... I love felt tip pens! It's not often at all that I laugh out loud at two jokes in quick succession on here. We're living in strange times indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I got the world jacuzzi and 'Yakuza' confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns... Well, toucan play at that game! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I've applied to take over as coach of a football club in Sheffield. At the interview they asked if I was able to start the middle of next week. Told them I couldn't manage Wednesday........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Last night I was arguing with the wife on how to cook a steak. I said "I've watched loads of cooking videos on youtube" She said" You've watched plenty of porn too, but you're still shite at that" Charming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cubanjambo Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 What's the difference between Brussels sprouts and bogies? Kids don't eat Brussels sprouts. Hear about the paper cowboy? Got hung for rustling. How many police officers to crack an egg? None, it fell down the stairs M'lud Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 This COVID-19 has got me into trouble. My wife is pissed off at me for spending too much time with the local laydees. My hearing isn't so good, and I thought she told me to practice local dancing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Was told that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard. But I think she’s jokinddjspswdkjdpa’’4584+1sds;XS’,Z#ZAVMGGDSB,M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus? He was in his cell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Munro Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Sea lions can move faster than humans both in the water, and on land. So if you face one in a triathlon you really have to make up time on the cycling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, ri Alban said: Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus? He was in his cell. That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in It's up there with the incontinent snail with Coronavirus- he pished his shell Edited March 30, 2020 by Smithee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 1 minute ago, Smithee said: That's my favourite joke with "with Coronavirus" stuck in It's up there with the incontinent snail who had Coronavirus- he pished his shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 4 hours ago, ri Alban said: Here about the lonely prisoner with Coronavirus? He was in his cell. It's Hear, Dumbass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Two brothers aged 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom. The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be ####ing cocoa puffs!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 This COVID-19 is really beginning to upset me now. I’ve got a mate in Africa called Dwayne, but because of the restrictions, we can’t see each other. I miss Dwayne...down in Africa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 RIP boiling water You will be mist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies... That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition... Turns out they all did it, in every room! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 If you get an E-mail from the Department for Health about tinned pork containing the corona virus Don’t open it it’s SPAM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 1 hour ago, narre said: As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies... That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 For my chemistry exam, I had to write a one hundred word essay on acid. Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and my desk melted into the floor below. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 My ex wife is going to marry an Indian guy. I know he’s going to treat her well, as they worship cows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kidd’s Boots Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 How do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in the pocket and tickle the balls... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Ran out of loo roll today so had to use a lettuce leaf. Today was the tip of the iceberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon... I expect that'll come back to bite me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 The missus and kids are really pissed off with me. I put ginger in their curry... They loved that cat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted April 3, 2020 Share Posted April 3, 2020 On 07/09/2015 at 20:50, Kalamazoo Jambo said: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers. Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted April 3, 2020 Share Posted April 3, 2020 13 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: Re-upping given today's news. RIP Bill, you gave us great songs and one awful joke As I've just written in the RIP thread - one of the finest punchlines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 4, 2020 Share Posted April 4, 2020 If anyone decides to make a face mask out of an old bra, please ensure you use the left side... You don't want to look like a right tit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted April 6, 2020 Share Posted April 6, 2020 Things are really difficult these days. I have a very short friend who's having trouble putting food on the table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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