Tazio Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sirudi Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 Excellent Tazio !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 11 hours ago, Tazio said: A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. 🙂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 13 hours ago, Tazio said: A priest, a vicar, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbits says I think I’m a Type O. Stolen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 7 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Stolen. Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 Just now, Tazio said: Correct. I like to think of it as redistributed. shameful as every other joke on this thread is an original from the mind of the poster I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 Just now, I P Knightley said: I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" I’ll take that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I meant it as a commendation, as in: "I have just stolen that and WhatsApped it to many friends who I hope now think I'm the finniest person they know" How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 32 minutes ago, redjambo said: How I took your comment too. I'm glad your friends think you're so finny. I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted March 13, 2020 Share Posted March 13, 2020 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: I swim dead fast to them, tell a great joke then turn round and swim away dead fast before they know what's happened to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Purchase limits placed on shops in light of the Corona virus panic buying . Asda: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls. Tesco: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls. Aldi: a welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets, 1 spare wheel for a barrow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 My girlfriend said to me, "I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." I said, "How can you say such a thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying. Bloody dyslexia! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 If I go into Edinburgh, I have to go really slowly, I'm banned from certain streets and it costs me a fortune if I want to stop anywhere. I think I have carownervirus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 My family were a bit upset when I told them I had a case of Corona. I told them not to worry, as I haven't opened it yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 "We don't serve time travellers here. " A time traveller walks into a bar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 I've just arrived home from Denmark where I got I'll from handling their money. Seems I have Kronervirus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 On 13/02/2020 at 16:09, Tambo_The_Jambo said: Guy down the street has a jag, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini, I said to him why u got so many motors? He say because I have the car-owner virus. @Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday. It brought the house down. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fire_At_The_Disco Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 46 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: @Tambo_The_Jambo I used this joke in a speech I gave at a wedding yesterday. It brought the house down. Thank you. Lol your welcome ML 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Does anyone want to buy 150 mini pork pies, 150 mini quiches, 100 mini scotch eggs, 100 mini pizzas? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 On 07/03/2020 at 19:02, Der Kaiser said: Last night I dreamed i weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.....I was like 0mg 😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 On 09/03/2020 at 02:41, narre said: BREAKING NEWS: John Travolta was hospitalised yesterday for suspected Coronavirus... Doctors have now confirmed it was only a Saturday night fever! On 09/03/2020 at 18:30, I P Knightley said: His symptoms were worrying. He had chills and they were multiplying. Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 6 hours ago, Say What Again said: Glad to hear he'll be Stayin' Alive depends if his chills keep multiplying Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 1 hour ago, milky_26 said: depends if his chills keep multiplying I think folk are getting Carried away with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 54 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: I think folk are getting Carried away with this. Maybe a Face Off is needed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 What did the blinds say to the curtains? Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 4 hours ago, Swanny17 said: What did the blinds say to the curtains? Nothing. Blinds can’t talk FFS. FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. Pull yourself together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 My bulk buying has gotten out of hand and I'm now addicted to buying toilet rolls. Next week I'm going to AA. Andrex Anonymous... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 Fruit and veg puns make me feel so good... Right from my head tomatoes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 Me: "How much for anal?" Hooker: "Sixty quid." Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it." Hooker: "Tight arse!" Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 5 hours ago, I P Knightley said: FFS, Swanny. You can't do that at a time like this when your public needs cheering up. Pull yourself together. 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 I heard today that the makers of Corona beer are going to change its name. Nothing to do with the virus, simply because it’s shite! 🍺 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 On 11/03/2020 at 13:48, N Lincs Jambo said: Mrs NLJ prefers your one to mine 😂 Nae luck, Lincs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 1 minute ago, Morgan said: Nae luck, Lincs. You da man Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, luckyBatistuta said: You da man Morgan Merci. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 11 minutes ago, Morgan said: Merci. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted March 17, 2020 Share Posted March 17, 2020 3 hours ago, Morgan said: Nae luck, Lincs. 😂😂😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Got my Coronavirus results back today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 This stupid panic buying is ridiculous! I've just paid £15 for Oxo cubes.. . The stock market's gone crazy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 The doctor said, "I've got some bad news and some good news." "Give me the bad new first doc", I said. "Your blood test was positive". "What's the good news?" "It was positive for AIDS." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 In Germany they are preparing for the Coronavirus by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That's the Wurst Kase scenario Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Today I was invited to smoke some blow with a female janitor at her flat. I turned her down as I don’t like high maintenance women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 A blind man hears about an operation that would give him back his full sight, but he is obviously a little bit sceptical. He goes along to the surgery with his missus to discuss the procedure with the dr. He asks the doctor if there are any side effects. the dr tells him that after the surgery we won’t be able to maintain an erection. Is that a common side effect? he asks no the doctor says, it’s just that your wife is fecking ugly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bn jambo Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Just bumped into a chinese guy, He said "Isolate today!" I said, "you should have left earlier then" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 If the dentists go on lockdown, brace yourselves! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 Hairdressers - closed. Nail bars - closed. Tanning salons - closed. Things are about to get ugly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 I deleted all the German people I know from my phone Now it’s Hans-Free Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 The man who invented predictive text has died. His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 4 hours ago, narre said: The man who invented predictive text has died. His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 Is dogging classed as mass gathering? Asking for a friend! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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