narre Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia... But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 11, 2019 Author Share Posted December 11, 2019 58 minutes ago, narre said: My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia... But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug! I was told there's a cure coming for dyslexia. Music to my arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 13 hours ago, 80bob said: What’s a giants favourite Xbox game....FIFA fo fum Who's been opening their Christmas crackers early? One night a bloke comes into the pub looking dishevelled and pulling up his flies. His mate, who's there waiting for him asks why he's in such a state. "There's a saucy bursd in a car out there having wild sex with anyone who wants it." So the mate goes out to the pub car park, sees a car with steamy windows, gets in and gets down to the business. A couple of minutes later there's a knock on the window and a copper is shining his torch in. "What's going on here, sir?" asks the copper. "I'm just having a bit of sex with my wife", replies the guy. "Sorry, sir. I never realised it was your wife." says the policeman. "Neither did I until you shone your torch on her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 13 hours ago, narre said: My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia... But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug! Did you hear about the dyslexic man who choked on his own Vimto? He then sold his soul to Santa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 My grand father used to say “as 1 door closes another opens”. A great man, a rubbish cabinet maker though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 I'll always remember my granddad's last words to me, before he kicked the bucket. He said, 'here son, watch how far I can kick this bucket.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 I hope when I die I go peaceful and quiet just like my grand father. Not like the 35 passengers who were on his bus at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 My neighbour, who's a homehelp, found an old guy dead in his livingroom wearing a corset, stocking and suspenders, with a rope round his neck and a tangerine in his mouth. He was actually wearing a Hibs shirt, but she changed him to save the family any embarrassment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 On 11/12/2019 at 02:04, Smithee said: I was told there's a cure coming for dyslexia. Music to my arse. Reminds of the time, when a dyslexic pimp bought a Warehouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter? Found dead under Tesco. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 I just started a business selling over-sized sinks. Would anyone on here mind giving me a massive plug? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 🔌 Sorry! , Can only manage a small plug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 A golden oldie. What's the difference between a buffalo and a Bison? Ye cannae wash yer face in a buffalo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 I just went onto the Weight Watchers website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a ******* trick question? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 On 10/12/2019 at 13:01, narre said: A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting . After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we'd finished I asked her, "Do you shag everyone on a first date?" She said, "No. Only those who catch my eye!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Rumour has it the French wanted Concorde's nose to turn up the way as it landed. How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT? If you watch '127 Hours' backwards its basically a really nice film about a one armed man who finds his arm in between a rock. "Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?"" Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 Hoping my mates girlfriend gets back from Ukraine before the 25th December... No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fekn dog! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 (edited) My 5 year old nephew just told me this one. What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? Where’s my Tractor? Edited December 15, 2019 by iantjambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third year students. She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you David, how would you say it?” David said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height... They didn't like me critter sizing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for Christmas... You should have seen their little faeces light up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 I was working on a farm yesterday. I saw two cows fighting. Best moo tai I've ever seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 15 hours ago, narre said: We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for Christmas... You should have seen their little faeces light up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative? A r s e skin for a friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 I was in the pub one of my mates on Saturday night and a group of four big lads offered us outside. My mate said we should pretend we're the police to scare them off. I only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Was just reminiscing about an old girlfriend who worked in an abattoir. She was a stunner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 My mates bakery burned down at the weekend, his business is toast now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Just been to Tesco with the wife and completely out of the blue she said, "What a lazy ******* you are!" I was so stunned I almost fell out of the trolley! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball... It was a lovely service! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 I see Scotland's only origami business has folded! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBigO Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 1 hour ago, Stuart Lyon said: I see Scotland's only origami business has folded! They had a TV channel, right? It was paper view Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Don,t know if this is a scam or not but I,ve just received a phone call saying I,d won £250.00 cash or two tickets to an Elvis Tribute night.It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N Lincs Jambo Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 3 hours ago, 132goals1958 said: Don,t know if this is a scam or not but I,ve just received a phone call saying I,d won £250.00 cash or two tickets to an Elvis Tribute night.It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show. I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 1 hour ago, N Lincs Jambo said: I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂 Suppose I have to accept I am auld. 😒 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 2 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said: I copied and pasted that onto our family's messenger group chat. Our eldest who is in her final year studying music at Uni replied "yeah that sounds pretty sketchy!" Dohh!! 😂 he he he Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 If anyone gets an email from me about tinned meat, dont open it. Its SPAM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Bigamy is having one wife too may --- monogamy is often the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Many girls seem to marry men who are like their father --- which is probably why so many mothers weep at weddings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 A man walks into a lawyer’s office and speaks to the lawyer. “I know your rates are very high, but I’m willing to pay $500 to get the answer to two questions. Will you do that? “Certainly,” replies the lawyer. “What’s the second question?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 21 hours ago, 132goals1958 said: 😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Section Q Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Three men book into a busy ski lodge so they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream. " Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Just bumped into an old mate of mine today. I said, "What are you doing these days?" He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs. " I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army? " He said, "No. Wetherspoons!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite... It's only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7 up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate... I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 I think Meghan and Harry have missed a trick... If they moved to Jersey they'd be known as the Jersey Royals and they'd be minted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 My mate got w@nking in the showers when we were at school. Ruined the trip to auschwitz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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