dalkeithjambo Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 A terrorist attack has blown away two houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 3 hours ago, dalkeithjambo said: A terrorist attack has blown away two houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf. Like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 (edited) 3 hours ago, dalkeithjambo said: A terrorist attack has blown away two houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf. Yep, worked well at my work earlier. Good job Edited October 13, 2017 by Jeffosphere Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regal Kingston Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Apologies if this has been done before. On a cold Scottish morning a man walks into a butchers to see the butcher sitting on the radiator. The customer asks 'Is that your Ayrshire Bacon? The butcher then stands up and said 'No I was just warming it up" Think it works better when spoken 'Is that your AIRSH-YER BAKIN...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 1 hour ago, Regal Kingston said: Apologies if this has been done before. On a cold Scottish morning a man walks into a butchers to see the butcher sitting on the radiator. The customer asks 'Is that your Ayrshire Bacon? The butcher then stands up and said 'No I was just warming it up" Think it works better when spoken 'Is that your AIRSH-YER BAKIN...' Man walks into the same butchers and asks 'you got chops the day'? Butcher replies 'gigot'. Man hops about from side to side and says again 'you got chops the day'?. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Man walks into a chemist and says to the male assistant 'you got cotton wool balls'? Chemist replies 'you think I'm a feckin teddy bear'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 A Jambo and a Hibee work for the same company. Both get invited to the CEO's home for a brief meeting. The CEO, being an egomaniac, invites them into his opulent study. Trying to butter him up, the Jambo points to a trophy mounted on the wall and asks about it. "Ah," the CEO says, beaming, "that's a rare 16 point Siberian elk I shot on a hunting trip! Very hard to get!" Trying to score points too, the Hibee points to a tray of 4 small dimpled spheres on his desk and asks about them. The CEO wrinkles his brow and says, "those are golf balls." A couple of years go by an the pair are invited back for a work meeting. The Jambo looks around and, noticing a new trophy says, "Congratulations, I see you killed another Siberian elk!" The CEO beams and smiles. The Hibee notices 6 balls sitting on the desk and says, "Congratulations, I see you killed another golf!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 2 hours ago, Morgan said: Man walks into the same butchers and asks 'you got chops the day'? Butcher replies 'gigot'. Man hops about from side to side and says again 'you got chops the day'?. Gay guy walks into that same butcher - "can I have a mince round?" "Aye, on ye go" says the butcher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 1 hour ago, ManMoth said: Gay guy walks into that same butcher - "can I have a mince round?" "Aye, on ye go" says the butcher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 1 hour ago, ManMoth said: Gay guy walks into that same butcher - "can I have a mince round?" "Aye, on ye go" says the butcher Same butchers. Guy says 'you got a sheeps heid'? Butcher says "No, it's just the way I part my hair'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I knew my fetishes had been getting stranger lately, but it was only after breaking into the museum and spanking a statue, I realised I had hit rock-bottom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 7 hours ago, Regal Kingston said: Apologies if this has been done before. On a cold Scottish morning a man walks into a butchers to see the butcher sitting on the radiator. The customer asks 'Is that your Ayrshire Bacon? The butcher then stands up and said 'No I was just warming it up" Think it works better when spoken 'Is that your AIRSH-YER BAKIN...' It's OK, that joke is as old as time. You didn't have to explain it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I met the godfather of the scouser mafia earlier. He made me an offer I couldn't understand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 A guy is driving away from his golf club, pleased with his game that day and his brand new top-of-the-range Rolls Royce. He sees a young Hibs supporter thumbing a lift and stops for him. As they drive on, the Hibs supporter is full of wonder at all the accessories in the car. At one stage he points at some golf tees lying in the centre armrest. "What are those for?" he asks. "The man replies: "They're for putting your balls on when your drive off." The Hibs supporter says: "Blimey: Rolls Royce think of everything." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Congrats guys, we really are plumbing new depths recently, you're doing the thread proud! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Whats black and white and can't turn round in corridors? A Nun with a javelin through her neck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arshavin Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Whats the best thing about pumping a shemale? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 5 minutes ago, Arshavin said: Whats the best thing about pumping a shemale? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 26 minutes ago, Arshavin said: Whats the best thing about pumping a shemale? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. I refer you to post number...ah, err, um. Where have all the numbers gone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 2 hours ago, deesidejambo said: Whats black and white and can't turn round in corridors? A Nun with a javelin through her neck. What goes black, white, black, white, black, white? A nun falling downstairs! (An R.C. friend told me that one) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 The Mother Superior was talking to a class of 13-year-olds in a Convent School in Dublin, asking what they want to do when they left school. "I want to be a teacher", said Mary Ellen. "Very good", said the MS. "I want to be a nurse", said Mary Jane. "Very good", said the MS. "I want to be a nun", said Mary Sue. "Very good", said the MS. "I want to be a prostitute", said Mary Anne. "What", shouted the MS. "You filthy wicked girl, go to your room immediately while I get my cane." "But you can make a lot money being a prostitute," said Mary Anne. "Prostitute?" said the MS. "That's a relief. For a second there I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 New guy starts work on a building site as a labourer and get placed along Two hibby pals digging out and concreting the founds He can't speak the language as he came from deep in Eastern Europe. At the end of the shift he walks with his work mates homeward till they turn of and he carries on A few days on he gets knocked down and killed.The police are attempting to identify him and get round to asking the Two hobbies about him Err we really don't know anything about him one say's apart from he has Two Erses.Whit say's the dumfounded cop?Aye Two Erses cause we could hear passer-by's saying there's that big foreign guy wi the Two arseholes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Waiter: “Would you like to hear the specials, sir?” Customer: “Yes please” Waiter: “This town, aaha, is coming like a ghost town...” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 long read this one. A store for women looking for husbands has opened in London where a woman can choose a husband.There is a notice at the shop entrance explaining how it operates. You may only visit this store Once. There are Six floor and the value of the product increases floor by floor and the shopper can choose any of the product on that floor or ascend to the next floor,but you cannot go back down other to exit the building. On the first floor the sign say's.These men have jobs,she is intrigued but decides to go to the next floor. The sign reads Floor Two.These men have jobs and love kids.That's nice she thinks but climbs to the next Floor Three these men have jobs love kids and are extremely good looking.Oh lovely she thinks but I want more so up to the next she goes Floor Four These men have jobs love kids are drop dead good looking and help with the housework.Oh my wonder what's above,and climbs Floor Five these men have jobs love kids are drop dead gorgeous and do housework and have a strong romantic streak.Lordy I am tempted but must see what the next floor offerings are,and up she goes Floor Six You are visitor 3,456,108 to this floor there are No men on this floor it only exists to show that Women are impossible to please and it's no wonder you have been left on the shelf you overweight ugly bitch you xxxxxxx deserve to be alone.Now Eff off and thank you for shopping at the Husband store. Please note To avoid gender bias charges A new Wives Store has been opened across the street by our owner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Yorkshire couple go self catering in Benidorm. On arrival the wife unpacks and says to her husband "eee, I forgot to pack the bisto. I think couple next door are English. Go ask them if they've got any Bisto. Hubby goes next door, knocks, and when the door opens asks: "Has thee any Bisto"? The bloke looks him up and down and says: "Pi55 off, you Spanish c*#@". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 17 minutes ago, martoon said: Yorkshire couple go self catering in Benidorm. On arrival the wife unpacks and says to her husband "eee, I forgot to pack the bisto. I think couple next door are English. Go ask them if they've got any Bisto. Hubby goes next door, knocks, and when the door opens asks: "Has thee any Bisto"? The bloke looks him up and down and says: "Pi55 off, you Spanish c*#@". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan_R Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 (edited) Came in the other night, was making food trying no to wake the kids up... Decided to make some of those french pancakes. Stuck them on my feet and creped right up the stairs ? Edited October 20, 2017 by Alan_R Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab Mac52 Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 I see that Tom Jones says abuse is common in the music industry, or at least it’s not unusual. (I know. It has been used before). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 17 hours ago, Morgan said: Possibly a joke that's better heard than read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said “have you got a store card?” I said “no, but I did get a budgie excited once…..” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobreath Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 On Facebook tonight: A couple of Thai burds asked me to sleep wi them, said it would be like winning the lottery. Tae ma horror they were right, we had 6 matching baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Then there was the Hobo who had three baws. He used go up to guys and say "I bet we have five baws between us." He was talking to this Aberdeen fan one day and said the usual patter - "I bet we have five baws between us." And the Aberdeen fans said" "What? Have you only got one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illustrious Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 20 hours ago, Swanny17 said: I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said “have you got a store card?” I said “no, but I did get a budgie excited once…..” Absolutely brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SE16 3LN Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 21 hours ago, Swanny17 said: I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said “have you got a store card?” I said “no, but I did get a budgie excited once…..” Can't believe it took me so long to get that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 If anyone has a good fish pun then let minnow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 41 minutes ago, jamboy1982 said: If anyone has a good fish pun then let minnow Ok don’t carp on about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 10 minutes ago, deesidejambo said: Ok don’t carp on about it you can be quiet, you are giving me a haddock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 these last three posts are out of plaice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Looking forward to the poster who always comes on at times like this and says "Cod you please stop it with all these puns!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 1 hour ago, redjambo said: Looking forward to the poster who always comes on at times like this and says "Cod you please stop it with all these puns!" Eel be here soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 18 minutes ago, superjack said: Eel be here soon. I certainly won't be that arsesole.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 2 hours ago, redjambo said: Looking forward to the poster who always comes on at times like this and says "Cod you please stop it with all these puns!" It’ll no’ be me. I’m having a whale of a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Just now, Morgan said: It’ll no’ be me. I’m having a whale of a time. That's good, because as a member of the marine police, I would have had to issue you a cetacean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 9 hours ago, hydeparkhearts said: Can't believe it took me so long to get that. I just got it the now!! It's a cracker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 4 hours ago, Morgan said: It’ll no’ be me. I’m having a whale of a time. That is stupid. Whales are not fish. I'll get my tench coat, shall I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 31 minutes ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said: That is stupid. Whales are not fish. I'll get my tench coat, shall I? You know? I thought of that at the time and still posted it For Cods sake, some folk are so pernicious. Nice to be herring from you again though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 I think folk forget the porpoise of this thread.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 FFS this thread is for reel jokes, not just fish puns. Can't believe folk are letting their chums just skate by with such bass humor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Everyday is a good day for fishy puns....well....barramundi..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 4 minutes ago, Der Kaiser said: Everyday is a good day for fishy puns....well....barramundi..... You fitted that whole sentence around ‘barramundi’ didn’t you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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