Jeff Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Older guy is talking to the family doctor tells him he is concerned his wife is going deaf. the doctor suggests he tests her by speaking normally to her and keeps reducing the distance until he gets heard by her. returning home he is at the kitchen door and asks what's for tea dear? silence so moves closer and asks again,silence Standing right behind her he asks again what's for tea dear. For the third time Chicken. Hahahah enjoyed that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 The new craze in Yorkshire is to inject ecstasy into the flesh inside the mouth. E by Gum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) (Stolen from today's 'Off The Ball') The toothbrush was invented in Kelty. It must have been, if it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush. Edited September 30, 2017 by FWJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Woke up this morning to find out someome had burgled my house and stolen my limbo trophy. How low can you go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 ?1sd2feg321?`1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 ?1sd2feg321?`1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 ?1sd2feg321?`1 sorry lads i was cleaning my keyboard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 sorry lads i was cleaning my keyboard. FFS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 ?1sd2feg321?`1 sorry lads i was cleaning my keyboard. I thought for a minute you were trying out a new username. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 sorry lads i was cleaning my keyboard. Ffs, can't you shoot straight. Everything going left, try using your right hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 A Tibetan and a Priest were having breakfast together ant the Priest says.Oh look there's a picture of Jesus on butter. The Tibetan say's I can't believe it's not Bhudda. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Man and wife at dinner table and wife asks what he would do if she were to die, He looks at her and say's why I would probably die too, She thinks he is just saying that as there would be no reason for him to die also. He say's You know I have a bad heart don't you? Well I don't think it could take so much happiness so suddenly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Alaskan hears noise on the roof and discovers a Bear on it, Oh no he say's then grabs Yellow pages and sure enough an ad stating Bears removed from roof guaranteed, He calls and the advertiser say's I will be there in half an hour and sure enough his truck pulls up with a ladder a pit bull a baseball bat and a double barrelled shotgun. How are going to tackle it ask's the home owner?I am going up this ladder with my baseball bat and knock the bear off the roof when he falls to ground the dog will grip the Bears testicles and not let go.Thrn I will use the baseball bat to beat it's skull in. And what is the shotgun for?The man gives him the shotgun and says if the Bear knocks me off the roof Shoot the pit bull. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debut 4 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 In the restaurant last night I said to the waiter I fancy something herby. He brought me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver in it.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 A couples Alsatian dog swallows a condom. Panicing they phone the Vet. Vet says "Christ! that could be fatal,I will be there as soon as possible,keep a close eye on the dog" After 2 hours the Vet still hasn't turned up. They guy phones him him and asks "where are you"? Vet says "Sorry Ive been held up". Guy says "Don't bother now the wife has found another one". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 How do you stop your girlfriend giving you a blowjob? Marry her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Alaskan hears noise on the roof and discovers a Bear on it, Oh no he say's then grabs Yellow pages and sure enough an ad stating Bears removed from roof guaranteed, He calls and the advertiser say's I will be there in half an hour and sure enough his truck pulls up with a ladder a pit bull a baseball bat and a double barrelled shotgun. How are going to tackle it ask's the home owner?I am going up this ladder with my baseball bat and knock the bear off the roof when he falls to ground the dog will grip the Bears testicles and not let go.Thrn I will use the baseball bat to beat it's skull in. And what is the shotgun for?The man gives him the shotgun and says if the Bear knocks me off the roof Shoot the pit bull. best one of the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have". Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 How do you stop your girlfriend giving you a blowjob? Marry her! But very true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 3, 2017 Share Posted October 3, 2017 What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 3, 2017 Share Posted October 3, 2017 How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Shin Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.She picked up four cans and took them to the check-outcounter.The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannotsell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot ofold people buy cat food to eat, and the management wantsproof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and broughtit back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day,she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said"I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof thatyou have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, butthe management wants proof that you are buying the dogfood for your dog."So she went home and brought in her dog. She then wasable to buy the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. Thelittle old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in thebox that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger intothe box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "Thatsmells like sh*t."The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toiletpaper."So........... Don't mess with old people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Old Chinese proverb say, old man with no grass look forlorn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Old Chinese proverb say, old man with no grass look forlorn. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. But man with both hands in pockets not feeling too cocky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 I'm not in a serious relationship at the moment, but I do have a friend with benefits. She's on incapacity allowance. The sex isn't great, but whenever she stays over I get a carer's allowance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. But man with both hands in pockets not feeling too cocky. man who walks through airport sideways is going to Bangkok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Old Zen saying: Girl who sit on brother in law's knee make it hard for sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 My friend asked me if I'd met his new vegan girlfriend. I said I hadn't seen herbivore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR 'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR 'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.' Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Did you hear about the 2 bed bugs who fell in Love They got married in the Spring Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Did you hear about the 2 bed bugs who fell in Love They got married in the Spring I stayed in a B&B once and got bitten by bed bugs. I complained to the owner the next morning an she said "How dare you, there is not a single bed bug in this house." "You're right," I said. "They are all married with large families." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Looks like the backstroke, sir. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 I tried making sausages out of seabirds until my wife took a tern for the wurst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 On 09/10/2017 at 11:11 AM, ManMoth said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 On 09/10/2017 at 2:38 AM, Ugly American said: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Looks like the backstroke, sir. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Waiter, why is there a four-inch bug in my soup? Sorry sir, it's the biggest one the cook could find. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 A new English doctor was given a tour of the wards by his Scottish colleague In the last ward he notices no injuries to the patients He speaks to one and gets the reply.Far Fa yer honest Sonsie face Great Chieftain O The Pudden Race.Startled he talks to the patient in the next bed. Some Har Meat And Canny Eat And Some Wid Eat That Want It. Hmm patient in next bed Wee Sleekit Cowrin Timrous Beastie O Whit A Panics In Thy Breastie. Doc mutters to his Scottish colleague I see you kept the Psychiatric ward till last. Oh No.His colleague said.This is the Serious Burns Unit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I just figured out Tom Hanks' log in password: 1forrest1 It is a crap joke thread after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 29 minutes ago, Morgan said: Give me strength. Ha! ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Then there was the couple who had been married for six months and the husband decided one night that things were getting a bit boring in the bedroom department. So he said: "Tell you what, hen, maybe we could spice things up by trying it doggy style." And the wife says: "You're crazy if you think I am going to do it in the street with all the neighbours watching." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 My neighbour came round this morning asking if I knew anything about the underwear that went missing from her washing line. I almost shat her pants when she mentioned it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Let's try that one again... Nicola Sturgeon was having a conversation with the 87-year-old Sean Connery. "How's the aging process treating you, Sean? Is there anything you can't do that you wish you could?" "Schertainly not, Msch Schturgeon, everything's schtill working exzhactly as it did 30 years ago." "Even the sex?" "Even the schex." "Show me, then!" So they go to a hotel room and get down to it. Nicola has the absolute time of her life. As they rest on the bed, Sean says, "If you give me a half hour's nap, we'll go at it again and it will be even better." "One thing, though." he says. "While I'm napping, you muscht hold my ****** in your left hand and cradle my ballsh in your right." After 30 minutes, they go at it again and Nicola has to peel herself off the ceiling. "That was amazing - ten times better than the first go. Was the difference because I held your ****** and balls?" "That was only becauzh the lascht time I schlept with a Weegie, the cow schtole my wallet and watch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 5 hours ago, Jaap's Sigh said: My neighbour came round this morning asking if I knew anything about the underwear that went missing from her washing line. I almost shat her pants when she mentioned it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheile Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 17 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Let's try that one again... Nicola Sturgeon was having a conversation with the 87-year-old Sean Connery. "How's the aging process treating you, Sean? Is there anything you can't do that you wish you could?" "Schertainly not, Msch Schturgeon, everything's schtill working exzhactly as it did 30 years ago." "Even the sex?" "Even the schex." "Show me, then!" So they go to a hotel room and get down to it. Nicola has the absolute time of her life. As they rest on the bed, Sean says, "If you give me a half hour's nap, we'll go at it again and it will be even better." "One thing, though." he says. "While I'm napping, you muscht hold my ****** in your left hand and cradle my ballsh in your right." After 30 minutes, they go at it again and Nicola has to peel herself off the ceiling. "That was amazing - ten times better than the first go. Was the difference because I held your ****** and balls?" "That was only becauzh the lascht time I schlept with a Weegie, the cow schtole my wallet and watch." An outrageous slur on Nicola Sturgeon, she's from Ayrshire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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