Awkward situations

[gjcc]

22 minutes ago, Locky said:

Barely got a couple of minutes to myself before some other big German bloke was banging and kicking the door for a shot.  

A bit forward of him. Hopefully he bought you a drink first. 

[¼½¾]

I mind a while back, someone posting that they would go for a shite when their partner was having a bath, attract their attention, before raising themselves from the seat so they could see the load being dropped. I'm no mentioning any names, and I haven't seen them post for a while. I think it was the same person who talked about chasing people with dog shite on a stick. 

[Locky]

36 minutes ago, Barack said:

After your bratwurst was he?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obvs, who wouldn't want a shot of me.  

25 minutes ago, gjcc said:

A bit forward of him. Hopefully he bought you a drink first. 

I was already loose enough after about 15 pints.

[Boof]

3 hours ago, Locky said:

Getting paid to shite is great, even more so on bank holidays. Doing it while working from home, is one of the great pleasures I've found so far too. Trimming my pubes, having a shower and falling asleep - not all at once - have all been great uses of company time too.

 

 

[Smack]

No problem with public defecation, although I don't like simultaneously pooping along with the next stall. One at a time. 

 

Prone to a bit of stagefright, it would be awkward to explain that I'm a grower not a shower in that situation. Also if you're going to have a look at the merchandise just get it out in the open, I reckon it's fair enough to gauge the competition. None of these deviant sideways glances though. 

[Sharpie]

As a seventeen year old being assigned to a barrack room with twenty nine other guys, sharing showers toilets etc,  reduces quickly any problems you have with lack of privacy. Toilets in Egypt were in a large tent,  the actual seats were a large wooden box about twenty in a row no seperating barriers between,  one just sat there did what one had to do and got up, the unwise would look down and see the bucket with the previous twenty four hour passings, not a pleasant sight either visually or odorly. There was a social aspect because there was not generally a time when you were alone sitting there so conversations could be held. In all it c ertainly reduced any preconceived ideas of privacy and reduced phobias about natural necessary bodily functions.

[highlandjambo3]

1 hour ago, Smack said:

No problem with public defecation, although I don't like simultaneously pooping along with the next stall. One at a time. 

 

Prone to a bit of stagefright, it would be awkward to explain that I'm a grower not a shower in that situation. Also if you're going to have a look at the merchandise just get it out in the open, I reckon it's fair enough to gauge the competition. None of these deviant sideways glances though. 

Went on the lash in Denmark a few years back and went down stairs to the pub toilets, can’t remember what the sign looked like on the door but when I walked in there were no standing/piss cubicles, only dump cubicles which were all full, I’d have turned round thinking I was in the wrong toilets but, there were a couple of guys waiting to use the cubicles so thought nothing of it.

I was more than a bit shocked to see females coming out of the cubicles and joining the queue to use the toilets.........mixed sex toilets....that was back in the mid 90’s.

[Ricardo Shillyshally]

5 hours ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

 

My mate (and it really was a mate) used to do this when he went out jogging.  

What??? Did he stop somewhere to do it or just continue running along whilst the wee man led the way?

[Morgan]

7 hours ago, Locky said:

We're a nation of awkward ****s sometimes aren't we? What situations in life do you find yourself particularly awkward in?

 

Work toilets is a big one for me. If I'm at the urinal having a piss and someone comes out the cubicle, I feel inclined to stand and pretend I'm still pishing until they finish washing their hands and leave. Likewise if I've been the one in the cubicle, I won't come out until I know that no one is there. Main reason being, I can't be arsed with the awkward small talk. It's fine if you don't know the person at all, because you have no obligation to speak. Likewise, if it's someone you consider a friend, you never feel awkward around them. But someone you chat to in passing around the office? That's the ****ing worst.

Does one’s old man sniffing ones bare arse in public, count as an ‘awkward situation’?

 

[Салатные палочки]

15 minutes ago, Ricardo Shillyshally said:

What??? Did he stop somewhere to do it or just continue running along whilst the wee man led the way?

 

 he used to stop and do it standing up. Mental behaviour but he was a top shagger in fairness. I think he might have actually been a sex addict. 

[I P Knightley]

I've only skim read through the thread. The title could be changed to something more indicative of the content.

 

"Shiting and Winkin (misprint). Let's have a chat about it."

 

Awkward moments are those when you are saying goodbye to a female acquaintance and lean in for a goodbye kiss and either (a) both lean the same way, so end up kissing on the lips or (b ) don't know whether you're in for a second and are left hanging there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Or she notices you have an erection)

[muldoon74]

1 minute ago, I P Knightley said:

I've only skim read through the thread. The title could be changed to something more indicative of the content.

 

"Shiting and Winkin (misprint). Let's have a chat about it."

 

Awkward moments are those when you are saying goodbye to a female acquaintance and lean in for a goodbye kiss and either (a) both lean the same way, so end up kissing on the lips or (b ) don't know whether you're in for a second and are left hanging there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Or she notices you have an erection)

Bit in brackets only an issue if she knows you're a keen jogger and you've told her you're going for one now... 

[Tazio]

2 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

Awkward moments are those when you are saying goodbye to a female acquaintance and lean in for a goodbye kiss and either (a) both lean the same way, so end up kissing on the lips 

 

 I had that very awkward moment a couple of Christmas’ ago, then I bumped into her again at another pub later on and she’d interpreted it wrongly, then the awkward situation became trying to find a polite way to tell her she was a fat munter and there was no way she was getting a ride. 

[Ribble]

Italians at my work are utter deviants regarding their bog etiquette.

 

Work toilets have 3 cubicles, of which the Italians always seem to opt for trap 2 and thus preventing others from having a one trap gap when there is a need for simultaneous shits.

 

Also while there is nothing wrong with dental hygiene I’d sure as hell not be wafting a toothbrush about in my work bogs!

[Morgan]

27 minutes ago, Ribble said:

Italians at my work are utter deviants regarding their bog etiquette.

 

Work toilets have 3 cubicles, of which the Italians always seem to opt for trap 2 and thus preventing others from having a one trap gap when there is a need for simultaneous shits.

 

Also while there is nothing wrong with dental hygiene I’d sure as hell not be wafting a toothbrush about in my work bogs!

I’ve found Americans to be not very ‘bog decent’.

 

And that includes not washing their hands after a poo.

[Locky]

1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

I've only skim read through the thread. The title could be changed to something more indicative of the content.

 

"Shiting and Winkin (misprint). Let's have a chat about it."

 

Awkward moments are those when you are saying goodbye to a female acquaintance and lean in for a goodbye kiss and either (a) both lean the same way, so end up kissing on the lips or (b ) don't know whether you're in for a second and are left hanging there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Or you notice she has an erection)

FTFY.

[Locky]

1 hour ago, Morgan said:

Does one’s old man sniffing ones bare arse in public, count as an ‘awkward situation’?

 

**** off Morgs.  

 

Never going to live that down am I. For once though, I'm just glad it wasn't that **** @Barack bringing it up.  

[Locky]

54 minutes ago, Ribble said:

Italians at my work are utter deviants regarding their bog etiquette.

 

Work toilets have 3 cubicles, of which the Italians always seem to opt for trap 2 and thus preventing others from having a one trap gap when there is a need for simultaneous shits.

 

Also while there is nothing wrong with dental hygiene I’d sure as hell not be wafting a toothbrush about in my work bogs!

Meant to come here and rant earlier, but my work toilet has 3 urinals. Went in earlier for a Jews wish, and someone was having one in the middle urinal. Happens a lot, and is a total dick move. 

 

One of these days I'll just stand right behind them and wait for them to finish.

[Morgan]

30 minutes ago, Locky said:

**** off Morgs.  

 

Never going to live that down am I. For once though, I'm just glad it wasn't that **** @Barack bringing it up.  

 

[Morgan]

18 minutes ago, Barack said:

What, like the time you got your jaw burst for being a wide-o? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, I'd not bring up stuff like that, mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And  

[Locky]

1 hour ago, Barack said:

What, like the time you got your jaw burst for being a wide-o? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, I'd not bring up stuff like that, mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was me thinking we were pals.

[Maple Leaf]

18 minutes ago, jonesy said:

 

Chinese bogs are like this everywhere, from nasty night markets where the food goes through your entire system in about five minutes because the guy selling you it last washed his hands the weekend of Chairman Mao’s funeral to the over-staffed department stores where there’s always a grumpy middle aged woman sloshing a filthy mop around the floor. It’s like taking a dump in a urinal, with the added bonus of having folk squatting and reading the paper or playing with their mobiles. 

 

What you described is a nightmare for me.  Same with squatting over a hole in the floor.

 

It's one of the reasons I opted for travel only to modernised countries, and stayed away from the "exotic" places.

[Jamhammer]

I shite at work all the time. Don't give a tinker's if there's anyone else in. Getting paid for doing a jobby and doing the Sudoku out of the Metro is one of life's great pleasures

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

11 hours ago, Locky said:

 

 

Vlad Magic taking deviance levels up to a new high.

 

My uni mate told me on his stag party he had a fetish for having a hand shandy in high places like up a mountain lol - feckin deviant!

[Tazio]

8 minutes ago, will-i-am-a-jambo said:

 

My uni mate told me on his stag party he had a fetish for having a hand shandy in high places like up a mountain lol - feckin deviant!

I used to work with a guy who had a bit of a fetish about men in uniform, he claimed he’d cracked one off against a police van, ironically outside Gayfield Square police station. 

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

4 hours ago, Ribble said:

Italians at my work are utter deviants regarding their bog etiquette.

 

Work toilets have 3 cubicles, of which the Italians always seem to opt for trap 2 and thus preventing others from having a one trap gap when there is a need for simultaneous shits.

 

Also while there is nothing wrong with dental hygiene I’d sure as hell not be wafting a toothbrush about in my work bogs!

 

I always go for the middle cubicles, they are the ones that are least used for that very reason.

[Dagger Is Back]

11 hours ago, Locky said:

I'm needing one now. 

 

I'm the same. I've made a concession for work because I spend so much time here, but even now for example, the one I'm brewing, I'd rather dispose of in the comfort of my own bathroom. I've gone in the pub a few times, purely because I've needed badly and mixing alcohol with holding in a shite doesn't sit right with me.

 

Never, have I ever went for a Tam Kite at the football though. Bizarre behaviour.

Probably why you’re still alive today 

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

1 hour ago, jonesy said:

 

Chinese bogs are like this everywhere, from nasty night markets where the food goes through your entire system in about five minutes because the guy selling you it last washed his hands the weekend of Chairman Mao’s funeral to the over-staffed department stores where there’s always a grumpy middle aged woman sloshing a filthy mop around the floor. It’s like taking a dump in a urinal, with the added bonus of having folk squatting and reading the paper or playing with their mobiles. 

 

Was about to post something similar. I went into a public gents toilet in China to take a pee and there were cubicles that had walls that were knee high, no doors and a row of chinamen squatting taking a dump and reading the paper!

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

2 minutes ago, jonesy said:

Yep. The worst part is that the pensioners, being used to such ‘layouts’ often don’t bother locking, or even closing, the doors when more European style facilities have been installed. 
 

I used to work in a school where the grandparents would often drop off and pick up their grand kids. Many is the time I’ve walked in on some squatting old bloke dropping off his other kids...

 

Thats interesting, wonder if it's a generational thing over there? The older generation are probably used to not having any privacy. I travelled around China for six weeks but there was only one place like what l described earlier that l encountered. 

[heartsfc_fan]

6 hours ago, Tazio said:

 I had that very awkward moment a couple of Christmas’ ago, then I bumped into her again at another pub later on and she’d interpreted it wrongly, then the awkward situation became trying to find a polite way to tell her she was a fat munter and there was no way she was getting a ride. 

Now you're married and and have toddler twin's.

Congratulations.

[Tommy Brown]

16 hours ago, ri Alban said:

What do you do in house. I'm guessing you do live with strangers

Kid you not.

If needing a crack when watching TV with the good lady. I will use go upstairs rather than using the downstairs loo.

Hate her knowing if just been dumping.

 

Therapy, that's what I ****ing need.

 

[ri Alban]

24 minutes ago, Tommy Brown said:

Kid you not.

If needing a crack when watching TV with the good lady. I will use go upstairs rather than using the downstairs loo.

Hate her knowing if just been dumping.

 

Therapy, that's what I ****ing need.

 

 

 

While I will keep the door open and squeeze loudly.

 

Sorry, I don't have a downstairs toilet.

[BM1874]

I’m terribly awkward when it comes to meeting folk for the first time.

 

normally I’m chatty, confident and easy going but more often than not the very first time we meet, I’ll be awkward, nervous shy and bumbling.

 

its hilarious looking back at it, but horrendous at the time 

[Салатные палочки]

On a similar note to the kissing one, years ago I went with an ex to a house party with some of her family.  We were greeted by her aunt when we got inside and she went for a friendly kiss on the cheek.  I don't know why but my hand went to her arse when she did so.  Instead of just pretending it didn't happen she proceeded to loudly shout "ooooooh we've got a frisky one here" and everyone turned round to look and laugh.  I wanted the ground to swallow me up there and then.  I just sat and got wrecked that night.  

[ri Alban]

17 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

On a similar note to the kissing one, years ago I went with an ex to a house party with some of her family.  We were greeted by her aunt when we got inside and she went for a friendly kiss on the cheek.  I don't know why but my hand went to her arse when she did so.  Instead of just pretending it didn't happen she proceeded to loudly shout "ooooooh we've got a frisky one here" and everyone turned round to look and laugh.  I wanted the ground to swallow me up there and then.  I just sat and got wrecked that night.  

Mr Salmond! Is that you?

[Салатные палочки]

57 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

Mr Salmond! Is that you?

 

 

That got me thinking, has anyone thought of the amount of times over the years they could have got into serious trouble over slapping or pinching a girls arse in a playful or flirty manner?  

[Locky]

2 hours ago, BM1874 said:

I’m terribly awkward when it comes to meeting folk for the first time.

 

normally I’m chatty, confident and easy going but more often than not the very first time we meet, I’ll be awkward, nervous shy and bumbling.

 

its hilarious looking back at it, but horrendous at the time 

I'm the exact same mate. The older I've got the less shy I am. I'm certainly not shy around people I know well, or even strangers who I know I am only about to encounter very briefly, but meeting new people in a more social environment, I tend to just close up and not speak once I've ran out of the usual ice breakers. Unless that person is a very chatty type who keeps it going. Definitely a massive introvert though. In new workplaces and courses I've been on, it's taken me weeks to open up and really fit in because unless I know from the get go that we have a common bond (being a football fan helps) I probably just won't speak.

 

Not a bad trait to have in some ways, as I can't stand people who just never shut up and always have something to say. Real attention seekers. But it has definitely cost me some social interaction.

[Locky]

32 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

 

That got me thinking, has anyone thought of the amount of times over the years they could have got into serious trouble over slapping or pinching a girls arse in a playful or flirty manner?  

Can't say I've really done much like that, but I certainly can be bad for saying the wrong thing and not knowing when to stop. I feel compelled to say something gravely offensive at times even though I know exactly what'll happen if I do.

 

One time I really had to bite my tongue was in my old uniformed job. Was in a wee co-op standing looking in the fridges, and this lovely blonde came in, crouched down and picked up 2 big jugs of milk. I was so close to blurting out 'Nice jugs' but thank **** I never. The timing of it seemed perfect, and she might've taken it as a complete joke which was all it was intended as. Then again, she might've thought I was a chauvinistic **** and reported me to my superiors.  

[Spellczech]

Doing a number two at work is just disgusting. I always time my bowel movements for 5 minutes after I wake up if it is after 7am. If I get up before 7 I find I am unable to do my usual No2 prior to showering so have to time it so that I eat breakfast then I will need it. Only time I've ever done a No 2 at work was when I had the runs, and it was indeed disgusting. I frown upon those people who think it is ok to stink out the work toilets at 10am - animals.

[Vlad Magic]

5 minutes ago, jonnothejambo said:

 

How did you manage a Sherman outside? 

 

In a forest ? 

 

On a secluded beach ? 

 

In Princes Street ? 

 

At Tynecastle? 

 

We need to know....

It was in Cardiff. Not the city centre obviously 👍

 

I was involved with a direct sales company which involved knocking lots of doors selling utilities.

 

This was over 20 years ago and I was just a young buck.

 

Anyway id been knocking doors all day and as a general rule the majority of people home during the day are unemployed, retired or housewives.

 

Knocked this door and the fittest young Welsh lass answered wearing tight jogging bottoms, baggy T shirt and no bra. Her nips sticking through the t shirt giving the no bra comment. She really was tidy!!!

 

Well I new at this point I was going to have to release the testosterone that had just flooded my veins in the mere 30 seconds it had taken for her to say her mum wasn’t home.

 

Left the estate I was on. Found some woods and bish bash bosh job done.

 

Best Sherman I have ever had bar none 👍

[Ray Gin]

2 hours ago, Spellczech said:

Doing a number two at work is just disgusting. I always time my bowel movements for 5 minutes after I wake up if it is after 7am. If I get up before 7 I find I am unable to do my usual No2 prior to showering so have to time it so that I eat breakfast then I will need it. Only time I've ever done a No 2 at work was when I had the runs, and it was indeed disgusting. I frown upon those people who think it is ok to stink out the work toilets at 10am - animals.

 

I doubt there are many who relish needing to use work toilets for a Tom Kite, especially when there's always some **** who pisses all over the toilet seat. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

 

[Morgan]

1 hour ago, jonnothejambo said:

Do any males on here ever sit down for  piss ? 

 

Ever been for a shite at Tynecastle ?

There has been the odd occasion (early morning, when first awake), when sitting down for a pee was the only option.

 

If you get my drift?

[Tazio]

1 hour ago, jonnothejambo said:

Do any males on here ever sit down for  piss ? 

 

Ever been for a shite at Tynecastle ?

Definite no to both. The idea of having a dump at a match fills me with terror. 

[jb102]

My Laddie used to like to go to a carry out/cafe near to the Gorgie Road entrance and get himself a coronation chicken baguette to eat before the game started.

The last time he did this he didn't make it to half time before stomach cramps pale skin and  sweats started.

He excused himself to go to the loo and never made it back.

I met him after the match at the car.He doesn't want to talk about it.

I cannot apologise enough either to the next user or the poor unfortunate who had to clear that up.

 

 

[ri Alban]

It's surprising how many people go for a shite when I'm fixing or stripping tiles from around the smell pipe.

[Unknown user]

5 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

It's surprising how many people go for a shite when I'm fixing or stripping tiles from around the smell pipe.

You're an arse tiler?

[Vlad Magic]

Video doing the rounds on social media of a policeman chasing a bad guy.

 

Unsurprisingly the bad guy gets away from the old bill.

 

Oblivious to being filmed the policeman is then sick, drops his kecks and violently shites a large liquid skid all over the grass.

 

Then uses a sock to administer field dressings before dumping his sock!

 

If he’d pulled his old man out and knocked one off he would have beaten me 3-2 👍

 

 

[ri Alban]

13 minutes ago, Smithee said:

You're an arse tiler?

The smell from the soil pipes are horrendous when you're up fixing/Renewing the roof. 

😒

[Unknown user]

1 minute ago, ri Alban said:

The smell from the soil pipes are horrendous when you're up fixing/Renewing the roof. 

😒

Aaaah, that would never even cross my mind!

I'm definitely having a shit next time someone's on the roof

[Locky]

2 hours ago, jonnothejambo said:

 

A shot or a shit ?

Both.