Awkward situations

[Locky]

We're a nation of awkward ****s sometimes aren't we? What situations in life do you find yourself particularly awkward in?

 

Work toilets is a big one for me. If I'm at the urinal having a piss and someone comes out the cubicle, I feel inclined to stand and pretend I'm still pishing until they finish washing their hands and leave. Likewise if I've been the one in the cubicle, I won't come out until I know that no one is there. Main reason being, I can't be arsed with the awkward small talk. It's fine if you don't know the person at all, because you have no obligation to speak. Likewise, if it's someone you consider a friend, you never feel awkward around them. But someone you chat to in passing around the office? That's the ****ing worst.

[Ray Gin]

There was a deviant on here a while back who revealed that if there was someone in the cubicle he deliberately pretended to leave the toilets then lurked about until he heard his colleague defecating.

[ri Alban]

You'll be fine now, urinals will 2m apart. No more embarrassments, wee man.

[jb102]

I have to wait until I hear the hand drier before opening the bomb bay.

[ri Alban]

6 minutes ago, jb102 said:

I have to wait until I hear the hand drier before opening the bomb bay.

Sing or talk to yourself, then no-one will bother you.

[indianajones]

24 minutes ago, Ray Gin said:

There was a deviant on here a while back who revealed that if there was someone in the cubicle he deliberately pretended to leave the toilets then lurked about until he heard his colleague defecating.

 

I laughed a lot at this. 

 

Ffs. 

 

[Victorian]

Trapping was a stressful business at a previous workplace.   If you were seen by a fellow nutter then you would be lurked on and cups of water hoyed at you in the trap.    You had to approach a toilet in stealth.    Some nutters used to stalk the toilets for victims.

[Jeff]

2 minutes ago, Victorian said:

Trapping was a stressful business at a previous workplace.   If you were seen by a fellow nutter then you would be lurked on and cups of water hoyed at you in the trap.    You had to approach a toilet in stealth.    Some nutters used to stalk the toilets for victims.

 

Did they spy on you through the glory holes aswell?

[Victorian]

Just now, Jeff said:

 

Did they spy on you through the glory holes aswell?

 

No deviant stuff but you had to be careful not to be seen by one of the lads.    Footwear would also be spied on from under doors,  etc.     If your footwear was seen under the door then you would be lurked and soaked.    It was hazardous.     

 

There was one instance of an innocent victim after footwear was incorrectly identified.     All hell broke loose after that.

[Norm]

Hate, and I mean hate, taking a dump anywhere that isn't my house. 

[Victorian]

We used to try our damnedest to soak each other in the upper trouser areas with small squashy vessels with a hole in the cap.     Something like a small ink bottle.    This would be the mission at meetings in the conference rooms,  etc.    Try to sit down within range and attack under the conference table.    

[Locky]

47 minutes ago, Ray Gin said:

There was a deviant on here a while back who revealed that if there was someone in the cubicle he deliberately pretended to leave the toilets then lurked about until he heard his colleague defecating.

 That is deviant behaviour.

46 minutes ago, Barack said:

Actually means:

 

"I've just done a loud smelly shite, and I'm too ashamed to go out and they see me. Then they tell the entire office."

[theshed]

Be plenty reading this thread as they are having a dump 

[Locky]

37 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

You'll be fine now, urinals will 2m apart. No more embarrassments, wee man.

Standing at the urinals doesn't faze me at all. I don't get stage fright. It's the 'washing hands together' part that bothers me. Stand beside me with our ****s out all you like.

33 minutes ago, jb102 said:

I have to wait until I hear the hand drier before opening the bomb bay.

I'm the same. Some people have no shame at all. People who just walk in the toilet in plain sight and unleash Nagasaki mkII.

[William H. Bonney]

If I’m having a dump at work and someone uses the cubicle next to me, I put my fingers in my ears so I can’t hear them. 
I wait until they are finished then I resume my business. 

[Norm]

I'm convinced toilet manufacturers are deviants. Surely they could design a toilet bowl that doesn't amplify every noise emanating from your arsehole by a factor of 10?

[Locky]

3 minutes ago, theshed said:

Be plenty reading this thread as they are having a dump 

I'm needing one now. 

 

8 minutes ago, Normthebarman said:

Hate, and I mean hate, taking a dump anywhere that isn't my house. 

I'm the same. I've made a concession for work because I spend so much time here, but even now for example, the one I'm brewing, I'd rather dispose of in the comfort of my own bathroom. I've gone in the pub a few times, purely because I've needed badly and mixing alcohol with holding in a shite doesn't sit right with me.

 

Never, have I ever went for a Tam Kite at the football though. Bizarre behaviour.

[CostaJambo]

12 minutes ago, Normthebarman said:

Hate, and I mean hate, taking a dump anywhere that isn't my house. 

Used to be like that until I realised after an emergency that I liked getting paid for doing one even more so been fine about going at work since then. These last few weeks it's been great being able to do both . (BRB).

[Vlad Magic]

I can crap anywhere and have done with no awkwardness.

 

Crapped outside dozens of times. Can’t beat a good outdoors dump. Very satisfying.

 

Ive crapped on the bank of a river dressed in water proof jacket with waders round my ankles when a tourist boat went by.

 

Ive had a couple of outdoor Sherman’s as well. Not recently but in my younger days. 
 

No problem pissing in public either however general public avoid standing next to me if I’m first in taking a slash. The number of times the toilet door goes and I’m mid piss and the person entering walks into the cubicle rather than stand next to me.

 

I once crapped in my mates back garden cos his wee sister was hogging the only toilet in the house. Didn’t tell anyone either 👍

[Locky]

2 minutes ago, CostaJambo said:

Used to be like that until I realised after an emergency that I liked getting paid for doing one even more so been fine about going at work since then. These last few weeks it's been great being able to do both . (BRB).

Getting paid to shite is great, even more so on bank holidays. Doing it while working from home, is one of the great pleasures I've found so far too. Trimming my pubes, having a shower and falling asleep - not all at once - have all been great uses of company time too.

[Locky]

1 minute ago, Vlad Magic said:

I can crap anywhere and have done with no awkwardness.

 

Crapped outside dozens of times. Can’t beat a good outdoors dump. Very satisfying.

 

Ive crapped on the bank of a river dressed in water proof jacket with waders round my ankles when a tourist boat went by.

 

Ive had a couple of outdoor Sherman’s as well. Not recently but in my younger days. 
 

No problem pissing in public either however general public avoid standing next to me if I’m first in taking a slash. The number of times the toilet door goes and I’m mid piss and the person entering walks into the cubicle rather than stand next to me.

 

I once crapped in my mates back garden cos his wee sister was hogging the only toilet in the house. Didn’t tell anyone either 👍

 

 

Vlad Magic taking deviance levels up to a new high.

[Салатные палочки]

1 hour ago, Ray Gin said:

There was a deviant on here a while back who revealed that if there was someone in the cubicle he deliberately pretended to leave the toilets then lurked about until he heard his colleague defecating.

 

18 minutes ago, Locky said:

 That is deviant behaviour.

 

 

That was me.  I used to go into the toilets for a slash in work.  The person in the cubicle would stop whatever they were doing until I was finished. So I decided to one day open the door and let it close and whoever was in the cubicle let all hell break loose.  I coughed to make them aware I was still in there and they went all quiet again

[Салатные палочки]

31 minutes ago, Normthebarman said:

Hate, and I mean hate, taking a dump anywhere that isn't my house. 

 

Same here.  That's why I used to like making it as uncomfortable as possible for people.  

[Rudi Skacel]

The public toilets in USA are horrible. There is a gap on all the cubical doors and people can see you having your dump. 

[Салатные палочки]

16 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

I can crap anywhere and have done with no awkwardness.

 

Crapped outside dozens of times. Can’t beat a good outdoors dump. Very satisfying.

 

Ive crapped on the bank of a river dressed in water proof jacket with waders round my ankles when a tourist boat went by.

 

Ive had a couple of outdoor Sherman’s as well. Not recently but in my younger days. 
 

No problem pissing in public either however general public avoid standing next to me if I’m first in taking a slash. The number of times the toilet door goes and I’m mid piss and the person entering walks into the cubicle rather than stand next to me.

 

I once crapped in my mates back garden cos his wee sister was hogging the only toilet in the house. Didn’t tell anyone either 👍

 

 

My mate (and it really was a mate) used to do this when he went out jogging.  

[Vlad Magic]

17 minutes ago, Locky said:

 

 

Vlad Magic taking deviance levels up to a new high.

It’s one of life’s greatest pleasures. 
 

Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it 👍

[Jeff]

I had a jobby during a team conference call earlier. Thank F I didn't get asked a question

[Governor Tarkin]

23 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

 

No problem pissing in public either however general public avoid standing next to me if I’m first in taking a slash. The number of times the toilet door goes and I’m mid piss and the person entering walks into the cubicle rather than stand next to me.

 

I do this. I suffer from terrible stage fright. It's a curse.

 

23 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

 

I once crapped in my mates back garden cos his wee sister was hogging the only toilet in the house. Didn’t tell anyone either 👍

 

I once dropped a log onto clingfilm at a house party, wrapped it up, and tucked it into the bottom shelf of the freezer.

Didn't tell anyone either. 👍

 

25 minutes ago, Locky said:

 

 

Vlad Magic taking deviance levels up to a new high.

 

I thought everyone had an outdoor tug or two in their younger days, no?

[Ray Gin]

11 minutes ago, Rudi Skacel said:

The public toilets in USA are horrible. There is a gap on all the cubical doors and people can see you having your dump. 

[Ray Gin]

10 minutes ago, Governor Tarkin said:

I once dropped a log onto clingfilm at a house party, wrapped it up, and tucked it into the bottom shelf of the freezer.

Didn't tell anyone either. 👍

 

Why?? 

[Governor Tarkin]

2 minutes ago, Ray Gin said:

 

Why?? 

 

I needed a shite, there was a roll of clingy handy, and the house had a freezer in it.

 

🤷‍♂️

Edited May 12, 2020 by Governor Tarkin

[RobboM]

43 minutes ago, Vlad Magic said:

 

 

Ive had a couple of outdoor Sherman’s as well. Not recently but in my younger days. 

Folks, a moment's thought for Vlad, one of the real victims of the lockdown 😄

[heartsfc_fan]

27 minutes ago, Rudi Skacel said:

The public toilets in USA are horrible. There is a gap on all the cubical doors and people can see you having your dump. 

And also shitting into that amount of water is awful.

Spashback.

 

Good old British toilet is much better.

[Auld Reekin']

35 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

 

My mate (and it really was a mate) used to do this when he went out jogging.  

 

Whilst jogging  or merely whilst out jogging?  

 

I'm sure I read about him in the EEN a while back...   Cramond foreshore, right?   

[gjcc]

45 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

 

My mate (and it really was a mate) used to do this when he went out jogging.  

“dogging” surely?!  

[Tommy Brown]

No matter how desperate, I cannot go into the crapper if someone I know is there.

I'll about turn and try the other bogs first.

I'm a ****ing freak.

[Victorian]

An al fresco septic on the hoof?    That's freedom for you.

 

 

[muldoon74]

3 minutes ago, Barack said:

 

I'd imagine when they went to eventually defrost that "chocolate ice-cream", it smelt a bit off.

Maybe it helped them discover Alaskan Pipelines? 

 

Some "good" may have come of it..   

[ri Alban]

6 minutes ago, Tommy Brown said:

No matter how desperate, I cannot go into the crapper if someone I know is there.

I'll about turn and try the other bogs first.

I'm a ****ing freak.

What do you do in house. I'm guessing you do live with strangers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Салатные палочки]

23 minutes ago, Auld Reekin' said:

 

Whilst jogging  or merely whilst out jogging?  

 

I'm sure I read about him in the EEN a while back...   Cramond foreshore, right?   

 

While out jogging

 

He never lived that one down. 

[Ray Gin]

40 minutes ago, Governor Tarkin said:

 

I needed a shite, there was a roll of clingy handy, and the house had a freezer in it.

 

🤷‍♂️

 

So the host, who was good enough to invite you round to party in their house, had done nothing to provoke you? And you repaid their kindness by leaving a shite in their freezer?

Wow.

 

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, Rudi Skacel said:

The public toilets in USA are horrible. There is a gap on all the cubical doors and people can see you having your dump. 

 

A few years ago in Detroit nature called while I was in a department store, so I went to use the toilet.

 

The cubicles had NO doors at all, and people were doing their business in plain sight.  I decided I could wait.

[Governor Tarkin]

14 minutes ago, Ray Gin said:

 

So the host, who was good enough to invite you round to party in their house, had done nothing to provoke you? And you repaid their kindness by leaving a shite in their freezer?

Wow.

 

 

I didn't know the host, although council scheme etiquette dictated that we were probably enemies. 

I assume his parents wouldn't have been best pleased when they returned from their holidays. 🤷‍♂️

Edited May 12, 2020 by Governor Tarkin

[Beni]

🤣

Thread title needs changed to 'places I've had a shite'.

[East Lothian Jambo]

https://www.dailyedge.ie/poo-man-sweden-1631718-Aug2014/

 

[Locky]

1 hour ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

 

 

That was me.  I used to go into the toilets for a slash in work.  The person in the cubicle would stop whatever they were doing until I was finished. So I decided to one day open the door and let it close and whoever was in the cubicle let all hell break loose.  I coughed to make them aware I was still in there and they went all quiet again

When you describe it like that, I see the funny side.

 

Genuinely thought you liked to just hang around the toilets listening to men shit.  

[Tazio]

I hope none of the delicate flowers on here ever end up having to go somewhere with old school German toilets. On the plus side there’s no splash sound, on the negative side pretty much everything else. 

[Locky]

1 hour ago, Governor Tarkin said:

 

I do this. I suffer from terrible stage fright. It's a curse.

 

 

I once dropped a log onto clingfilm at a house party, wrapped it up, and tucked it into the bottom shelf of the freezer.

Didn't tell anyone either. 👍

 

 

I thought everyone had an outdoor tug or two in their younger days, no?

Can't honestly recall choking the chicken out the house.

 

I have had a ride out the house though. Although I'm sure everyone has done that.

[Locky]

13 minutes ago, fancy a brew said:

🤣

Thread title needs changed to 'places I've had a shite'.

 

This was never supposed to be a thread exclusive to shiting, but alas, here we are.

[Locky]

1 minute ago, Barack said:

How do you manage when you're in Germany for your Schalke get-togethers?

 

 

"Entschuldigung. Can ich haben einen scheibe, bitte? 

Usually I like to make all my evacuations safely, and comfortably, in my Best Western hotel.

 

Although last year, the beer and bratwurst caught up with me and I needed to go in the fan bar we were in. Imagine like a big German Dickens, albeit the toilets might have been worse. Only one cubicle and the rest of the toilets were tiny so felt obliged to just go for a pish and leave again, until eventually it was too much. Had to stand for 15 minutes waiting on the boy in there to finish, then when I got in, the bowl was slabbered in currywurst spew and skiddy's. Barely got a couple of minutes to myself before some other big German bloke was banging and kicking the door for a shot.