Locky Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 On 28/06/2019 at 13:49, samgolden said: My mate who has been waiting for a Bone Marrow transplant and after a few unsuccessful attempts just about gave up hope then got the news that there was a perfect match for him but unfortunately donor was in Argentina but he managed to raise the cash to fly out and complete the transplant and is doing great So many thanks to DIEGO MARROW DONOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Heard this on holiday. Made me chuckle. (Might already be on here but I CBA checking). Man: Doctor Doctor, I’m thinking that I am turning into a Moth. Dr: Its not a Doctor you need, its a psychiatrist. Man: I know that but I was just passing and seen your light was on! Edited July 10, 2019 by Pans Jambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swavkav Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) What’s the best thing about doing a tranny? reaching around and pretending you went all the way through!! Edited July 10, 2019 by swavkav Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I tried to explain to my four year old son that it was perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 16 hours ago, Say What Again said: To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you. I have contacts. To he person who stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and hurt you, you have my word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 51 minutes ago, superjack said: To he person who stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and hurt you, you have my word. To the person who stole my antidepressants... I hope you are happy now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 2 hours ago, Lemongrab said: To the person who stole my antidepressants... I hope you are happy now. Puts me in mind of the Bob Monkhouse classic When I told people I was going to become a comedian they laughed. They're not laughing now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Ray Charles played Stevie Wonder recently in a tennis match for charity It was endless love Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 22 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: A guy is being interviewed for a job: Manager: What would you say is your biggest fault? Guy: I'm too honest. Manager: I don't think honesty is a fault. Guy: I don't give a **** what you think Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 On 07/02/2019 at 11:33, Restonbabe said: What kind of animal is good at math?? A mathematichicken Who's The Funniest now ex footballer? Ryan Giggles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Who heard about the magical tractor? It turned the road into a field Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 I watched a fly rubbing it's front legs together. I thought, that bugger's been up to something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening... “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the feck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fecking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the feck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fecking badge!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Knock knock? Who's there? To! To who? No, it's to whom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartsfc_fan Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Why did Tigger have no friends? Because he played with Pooh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 5 minutes ago, heartsfc_fan said: Why did Tigger have no friends? Because he played with Pooh. Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a jobbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 On 11/07/2019 at 14:17, rudi must stay said: Who heard about the magical tractor? It turned the road into a field Heard that similar but the punchline was: It came out of a field and turned into a road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 Q: What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? A: Found in your cell, unresponsive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 So, this little kid went to a new school in Nottingham. On the first day the teacher is talking to the class about Robin Hood. She asks "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" The lad sticks up his hand and says: "Me, miss, yes, me miss!" The teacher says: "OK, Johnny, who was she?" Johnny: "Trudy Glenn, miss". Teacher: "No, I don't think so". Johnny: "Yes, miss, it's in the song." Teacher: "What song?" Johnny sings: "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moz Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 I made some fish tacos last night.... ....but they just ignored them and kept swimming... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 What do call a sheep on steroids? A Woolly Mammoth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Accidentally ate some of the wife's lipstick and mascara and ended up constipated. You cannot shit this make up. Tried blind archery at the weekend. You should try it. You don't know what you're missing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Just been to get a loaf of bread at £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note. She said have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change. I said no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps? She sarcastically said " of course it would help" So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please!" "How much?" She asked I said "£18.97" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 Walking past a cemetery earlier, I turned to my mate and said “people are dying to get in there”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 8 hours ago, iantjambo said: Walking past a cemetery earlier, I turned to my mate and said “people are dying to get in there”. It’s a little known fact that the inventor of the crossword is buried in Dalry cemetery. 6 across and 2 down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 I asked my wife if I was the only one she's ever been with. She said yes, all the rest were at least sevens and eights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 I'm furious I gave a joiner mate £200 to build a double bed and he's done a bunk! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bn jambo Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 When i was really young i started learning to play the violin, gave it up, as nobody likes a kiddie fiddler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Last night six dwarves stole my antidepressants. Not Happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 I drove into the back of another car recently. When the other driver got out he was a very, very short man. He looked at the minor damage to his car and shouted, "I'm not happy". I replied, "So which one are you, then?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Just been to the “Learn how to Shred meat” cooking show at the Fringe. What a load of mince. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Shopkeeper who stopped am armed robber with a labelling gun dies. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I have this recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around'. It's a wet wet wet dream! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 5 hours ago, RobNox said: I have this recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around'. It's a wet wet wet dream! Been trying to work out the underlying issues leading to you constantly singing but I can't, it's a sweet little mystery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 8 hours ago, superjack said: Been trying to work out the underlying issues leading to you constantly singing but I can't, it's a sweet little mystery. More a temptation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Psychedelicropcircle Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I recently bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes... The doctor says it's terminal! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do. When I returned he'd only done tasks 1, 3, 5 and 7 on the list... Turns out he's just an odd job man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 My friend who has a bit of a stutter was telling us about his Nanna... By the end of it we were all singing 'Hey Jude! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 My wife used to work as a magicians assistant and she picked up a few tricks . I came home from work early and she was in the bedroom, she said, "Abracadabra!" and my best mate came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. The poor ******* must have wondered what the feck was going on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 My mate installed a new window in a local branch of Vision Express, then realised he'd gone to the wrong place... Should have gone to Specsavers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 20, 2019 Share Posted August 20, 2019 I was sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... But she did! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 (edited) On 29/08/2015 at 12:35, Stokesy said: Why is PMT called PMT? Mad cow disease was already taken Edited August 21, 2019 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I searched for 'something to start a fire' on eBay, but they had 0 matches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 I saw a sign yesterday which made me shit myself. It said 'Toilet Closed'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 21, 2019 Author Share Posted August 21, 2019 On 11/07/2019 at 14:17, rudi must stay said: Who heard about the magical tractor? It turned the road into a field On 16/08/2019 at 14:01, Pans Jambo said: Heard that similar but the punchline was: It came out of a field and turned into a road. that one was in the 3rd post of this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Took a girl on our 9th date yesterday to watch the new batman film. To summarize our dates so far: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, batman! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Just seen a bloke who looked like Sting in the red light district in Amsterdam... He was getting a massage in a brothel! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted August 21, 2019 Share Posted August 21, 2019 Seen a chameleon the other day who couldn't change his colours. He had eReptile dysfunction Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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