superjack Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'' She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'' The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his girlfriend as a present... He is shown several possibilities that range from €50 to €150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.He opts for the sheerest item, pays the €150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his girlfriend and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs she thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that itmight as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a €150 refund andkeep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The fella says; '**** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted November 11, 2018 Share Posted November 11, 2018 Where is Santa Fe? The North Pole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 A Mexican magician tells his audience that he will vanish on the count of three. He says, uno, dos, then *poof*, he's gone. He vanished without a tres Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 5 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: A Mexican magician tells his audience that he will vanish on the count of three. He says, uno, dos, then *poof*, he's gone. He vanished without a tres Reminds me of the schooldays joke from less enlightened times. Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 My wife tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 What is Forrest Gumps password? 1Forrest1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I went to my mate's mum's funeral. During the ceremony, I asked my mate if he'd mind me getting up to say a word. "Go ahead", he said. So I got up and said, "Plethora." My mate said, "Thanks I.P. That means a lot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 6 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: I went to my mate's mum's funeral. During the ceremony, I asked my mate if he'd mind me getting up to say a word. "Go ahead", he said. So I got up and said, "Plethora." My mate said, "Thanks I.P. That means a lot." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 09:18, Tazio said: Reminds me of the schooldays joke from less enlightened times. Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 03:58, Maple Leaf said: A Mexican magician tells his audience that he will vanish on the count of three. He says, uno, dos, then *poof*, he's gone. He vanished without a tres Sorry Tazio, I meant to paw this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Why's Elton John in the running for Prime Minister? Because he's still standing (One I made up, maybe needs work... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Beyonce Knowles and tennis commentator Andrew Castle are to wed in the celebrity marriage of the year Beyonce will now be known as Beyonce Castle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkishcap Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 The origin of fake news has been traced back to the bible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkishcap Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 The lead singer of the Wurzuls took ill on stage so the rest of the group drove him straight to oo arr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 (edited) A gold prospector rides into a western town and ends up at the saloon. "Hey," he says to the barman. "I'm mighty horny, are there any women in this town?" "No," says the barman, "When we feel like that we use Old Jake" "**** off!" says the prospector, "I'm not like that," The next day he goes back into the saloon. "Are you sure there are no women in this town?" "No," says the barman, "there's only Old Jake" "I told you, I'm not like that!" says the prospector. Three weeks later he goes back to the saloon. "Look" he says, "If I was to avail myself of Old Jake, who would know about it?" The barman says, "Only you, me, Ben and Zac." "Ben and Zac? Why have they got to know about it?" "They've got to hold him down, Old Jake's not like that either." Edited November 17, 2018 by Bauld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 What do you call someone who hates the French? A Francophobe What do you call someone who hates the English? An Anglephobe What do you call someone who hates Hibernian FC? A Hobophobe ^ Alternative version: What do you call someone who hates the French? A Francophobe What do you call someone who hates the English? An Anglephobe What do you call someone who hates Hibernian FC? A Hearts supporter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 What'd you call a Rabbit with a bent dick? Fecks funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 21, 2018 Share Posted November 21, 2018 Seen a sign in the butchers window this morning saying "Turkey, £29". That's over £300 cheaper than Thomas Cooks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 On 18/11/2018 at 05:25, rudi must stay said: Beyonce Knowles and tennis commentator Andrew Castle are to wed in the celebrity marriage of the year Beyonce will now be known as Beyonce Castle And in similar news,Claudia Schiffer is to marry long time boyfriend Brian Brains,she will be known as Claudia schiffer Brains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 A kid goes to his dad and says, "What does a vagina look like?" His dad says, "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfum." The kid says, "And after sex?" His dad says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 How do you turn a Duck into a soul singer Put it in the oven till it’s BILL WITHERS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 On 17/11/2018 at 13:25, rudi must stay said: Beyonce Knowles and tennis commentator Andrew Castle are to wed in the celebrity marriage of the year Beyonce will now be known as Beyonce Castle On 22/11/2018 at 15:46, narre said: And in similar news,Claudia Schiffer is to marry long time boyfriend Brian Brains,she will be known as Claudia schiffer Brains. Similarly, Tuesday Weld is to marry Frederick March the III. She will then become Tuesday March the Third. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 To anyone who just woke up from a 20 year coma - WELCOME TO 2018! THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Boyzone play the SSE Hydro in February. Spice Girls play Wembley in June. Westlife play the O2 the same weekend in June. Mick McCarthy is the Ireland football manager. So basically, you missed **** all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I'll be disappointed if I've not put this one in the thread before now: Q: What's Mr T's favourite yoghurt? A: A Petit Filous (You've got to say it in a Mr T voice. If you still don't get it, your Mr T voice is shite.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 On 26/11/2018 at 10:03, Maple Leaf said: Similarly, Tuesday Weld is to marry Frederick March the III. She will then become Tuesday March the Third. And Stevie Nicks is to marry William Shatner, she'll now be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 My grandfather was born near Belfast ship yards and saw Titanic. Right from the outset he told everyone "That thing is going to sink." People ignored him, but he was certain he was right, and kept saying it over and over and over. When people continued to ignore him he started shouting it as loud as he could, "That ship is going to sink!" In the end, they had to eject him from the picture house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 33 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: My grandfather was born near Belfast ship yards and saw Titanic. Right from the outset he told everyone "That thing is going to sink." People ignored him, but he was certain he was right, and kept saying it over and over and over. When people continued to ignore him he started shouting it as loud as he could, "That ship is going to sink!" In the end, they had to eject him from the picture house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bindy Badgy Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Spoiler Because he's married Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Two married couples, one from Mars and the other from Earth, meet up on a space station and start chatting Soon the conversation turns to s e x and how new babies are created. The couple from Mars go first. They each take a DNA sample from their cheeks, mix them, pop them into a microwave oven and 60 seconds later a little Martian baby is born. The earth couple take their clothes off and get down and dirty until they collapse, spent, in a heap. "What happens next?" the Martian couple ask. "We wait for nine months for the baby to be born," say the earth couple. "Nine months?" say the Martians. "So what was all that urgency about at the end?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver." "I support the Hearts," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart." "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 I just downloaded a copy of the bohemian rhapsody film from the pirate bay. Unfortunately the quality was scrap, I could only see a little silhouette of a man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 A guy took his wife to the disco for their 25th anniversary. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it laldy, break dancing, moon walking and lots of back flips. The wife says "See that guy there, he proposed to me just before you did, obviously I turned him down". Husband says "looks like he's still celebrating". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Xmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 1 hour ago, superjack said: I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Xmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler. I married a woman with one leg. Whenever I ask her to do something she hops to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 1 hour ago, superjack said: I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Xmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler. Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane for Christmas once. And a shaver for the other leg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 (edited) This one may already be on this 54 page thread somewhere but I just heard it: Woman holding a baby gets on the bus. Shes paying the fare when the driver says to her “my god, thats one ugly looking baby”! The woman is shocked at what the bus driver has said and is a bit speechless. She sits down at the back of the bus next to a man reading a paper. The man looks up and sees the woman’s face is bright red with anger and shes visibly shaken. “Are you ok”? The man asks. “No, that bus driver is very rude and he was really offensive to me”. To which the man replies, “you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind, on ye go & dont worry, I will look after yer monkey for ye”. Edited December 21, 2018 by Pans Jambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Rudi skacel and Derek riordanwalk into a brothel together, deeks asks how much for a wee wank. That'll be £50 please. Rudi asks how much for a fecking legend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Why does Santa not like being in small rooms? Because he gets claus-tophobic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obua Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 5 minutes ago, superjack said: Why does Santa not like being in small rooms? Because he gets claus-tophobic Why does he stay in tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obua Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 8 minutes ago, superjack said: Why does Santa not like being in small rooms? Because he gets claus-tophobic 2 minutes ago, obua said: Why does he stay in tonight. He’s Agro-phobic.?♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 On 16/12/2018 at 14:08, superjack said: A guy took his wife to the disco for their 25th anniversary. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it laldy, break dancing, moon walking and lots of back flips. The wife says "See that guy there, he proposed to me just before you did, obviously I turned him down". Husband says "looks like he's still celebrating". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 Did you know that bum sex is still illegal in Iceland? Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 Went to the doctor's this morning for a prostate examination. "Don't be embarrassed", he said. "Taking trousers off is normal for this type of procedure." "Erm...Ok", I replied. "Should I take mine off as well?" I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boab Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 On 17/11/2018 at 18:25, rudi must stay said: Beyonce Knowles and tennis commentator Andrew Castle are to wed in the celebrity marriage of the year Beyonce will now be known as Beyonce Castle An old one, when she was still with us....RIP, Carrie..... I see Carrie Fisher's getting married to Phil Oakey from the Human League......! ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 On 10/12/2018 at 03:06, Maple Leaf said: An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver." "I support the Hearts," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart." "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 The guy who lives next door to a Proclaimer was complaining to him about the state of his back garden as the lawn was out of control. The Proclaimer blamed B&Q saying that he'd been to every branch in Scotland but it was the same story every time: "Bathgate, no mower; Linwood, no mower; Methil, no mower..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: The guy who lives next door to a Proclaimer was complaining to him about the state of his back garden as the lawn was out of control. The Proclaimer blamed B&Q saying that he'd been to every branch in Scotland but it was the same story every time: "Bathgate, no mower; Linwood, no mower; Methil, no mower..." I lived above one of them (don’t know which one) when we were in our third flat, it was fun to play the Hearts song at full volume on the Derby days. Edited December 30, 2018 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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