Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 A wise man said to his son, "if you can comprehend why a pizza is made round, put in a square box, to be eaten in triangles, you may be able to understand women" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 Jokes only understood in Scotland A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken' 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from? 'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ' A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?'asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies. What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..? Oor Wullie. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter' 'That's affa dear,' says the guy. 'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer? The dark tan yin. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in the box? 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?' And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.' What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. 'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe. 'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Lou Ping. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.' A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angus Ogg Posted May 5, 2019 Share Posted May 5, 2019 Knock Knock Whos there? Deja Deja who? Knock Knock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 7 hours ago, Angus Ogg said: Knock Knock Whos there? Deja Deja who? Knock Knock Just, Naw! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Knock knock Who's there? Twit Twit who? Did you hear a f****** owl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angus Ogg Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 6 hours ago, ri Alban said: Just, Naw! Try it on someone n see how long it takes them to realise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 4 minutes ago, Angus Ogg said: Try it on someone n see how long it takes them to realise I'm sure I have, but I cannae remember when. Do you ever get that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angus Ogg Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 3 hours ago, ri Alban said: I'm sure I have, but I cannae remember when. Do you ever get that? Nice try ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 The airport is very busy and there is a long line at the check-in counter. A very attractive young ground hostess is trying her best to get the passengers checked in as quickly as possible. An officious little squirt of a man walks to the head of the line and demands to be checked in next. "You'll need to get in line, sir," she tells him politely. "But I'm in a hurry," he snaps. "Check me in now!" "No. Everyone's in a hurry, sir. You need to get in line." "**** you," he snarls at her. "You'll need to get in line for that as well," she replies coolly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer. Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Knock knock. Who's there? Euan. Euan who? Just masel' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 4 hours ago, 132goals1958 said: Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer. Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely. Yaaaaaasssssssss, I’ll be stealing this one!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Marks & Spencer have an offer at their cafes at the moment. You can have an ordinary coffee or one that's a single source from a Portuguese-speaking South American country. I have never tried it. Do you really think I would walk in and with all those people listening ask for a Brazilian? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spitonastranger Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 I owned a hen who could count her own eggs She was a mathamachicken Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 On 09/06/2019 at 16:14, 132goals1958 said: Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer. Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely. Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 23 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said: A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Paddy walks into the bookies. He asks the Bookie. "Can I back a horse in here" Bookie says"Aye!" So Paddy opens the shop door and shouts "RIGHT! NICE AND SLOWLY, NOW!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 1 hour ago, highlandjambo3 said: A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 18 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: What foot fit's what foot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Did you hear about the Irish ice cream shop. It meltit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 16 minutes ago, ri Alban said: What foot fit's what foot. Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 4 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in? He's getting fitted for a new Highland dress, he's dyslexic and doesn't know his left from right. Could be wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 13 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in? I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect. You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon. 6 minutes ago, ri Alban said: He's getting fitted for a new Highland dress, he's dyslexic and doesn't know his left from right. Could be wrong. You are correct Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 7 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said: I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect. You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon. You are correct I'll put that on my bucket list; very low on my bucket list. Very low! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Waitress: "Are you ready to order?" Me: "My wife is in the ladies." Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?" Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I've written a film about an object that floats about in the sea. What's it called? About a Buoy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 17 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said: I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect. You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon. You are correct Never had the full experience, but used to talk to a girl and her pals on MSN years ago from Peterhead. The first time she said 'fit like' I thought she was giving me a compliment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Nintendo have brought out a new game where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing up cars, stabbing people and robbing houses… It's called 'Wii *******' 3 replies 86 retweets 310 likes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window... Bloody toot and car moon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Yes." I said, "Well **** off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, "Boo!" Honestly some people are sick in the head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?" The hostage replies, "Yes." The robber takes aim and shoots the hostage dead. He turns to the next man and asks, "And did you see my face?" The man replies, "No, but my wife caught a glimpse!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I saw Sinead O'Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind of activity she'd seen... "It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays! A couple of people knocked on my door wanting to talk to me about brown bread... Bloody Hovis witnesses! Two men were walking down the road when they saw a blind dog shagging a cabbage. One of the men said, "Poor dog. Must have thought it was a collie!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 What’s a foot long and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 2 hours ago, Cygnet said: What’s a foot long and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. What's about 6 inches long, and starts with a P? A shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 How'd you catch a rabbit? Lie in the long grass and make carrot noises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. What's the definition of frustration? A one armed man, hanging from a cliff, with itchy baws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 My mate who has been waiting for a Bone Marrow transplant and after a few unsuccessful attempts just about gave up hope then got the news that there was a perfect match for him but unfortunately donor was in Argentina but he managed to raise the cash to fly out and complete the transplant and is doing great So many thanks to DIEGO MARROW DONOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Message to the person who stole my limbo dancing equipment: Just how low can you get? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: Message to the person who stole my limbo dancing equipment: Just how low can you get? It wasn’t stolen from a North Berwick Hotel perchance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: • Jane ate her friend's sandwich. • Jane ate her friend's colon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 2 hours ago, I P Knightley said: Message to the person who stole my limbo dancing equipment: Just how low can you get? To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you. I have contacts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 A guy is being interviewed for a job: Manager: What would you say is your biggest fault? Guy: I'm too honest. Manager: I don't think honesty is a fault. Guy: I don't give a **** what you think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 1 hour ago, Morgan said: It wasn’t stolen from a North Berwick Hotel perchance? You've got me there, Morgan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: You've got me there, Morgan. garry oconnor caught exposing himself there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 On 28/06/2019 at 13:49, samgolden said: My mate who has been waiting for a Bone Marrow transplant and after a few unsuccessful attempts just about gave up hope then got the news that there was a perfect match for him but unfortunately donor was in Argentina but he managed to raise the cash to fly out and complete the transplant and is doing great So many thanks to DIEGO MARROW DONOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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