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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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superjack

I just swapped all the labels around in the wife’s spice drawer.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

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superjack

I was having a problem connecting my new phone to my car audio system.

I changed  the device name of my phone to `titanic`. 

Now it’s syncing

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superjack

Last week my girlfriend dumped me so I wrecked her wheelchair.

We're back together now, I knew she'd come crawling back.

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narre

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad... He always wanted to be a millionaire too!

 

 

 

When it's sunny I think, 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather!

 

 

 

I've just bought a house with period features... My wife really hates that nickname!

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narre

Spoke to my mate this morning and he said he'd hired an Eastern European cleaner to vacuum his house. "How did you get on?" I asked. "She took 15 hours!" "Not great then", I replied. "Yeah turns out she was a Slovak!"

 

 

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

 

 

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Jaap's Sigh
12 minutes ago, narre said:

Spoke to my mate this morning and he said he'd hired an Eastern European cleaner to vacuum his house. "How did you get on?" I asked. "She took 15 hours!" "Not great then", I replied. "Yeah turns out she was a Slovak!"

 

 

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

 

 

😂 

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Illustrious
On 10/10/2018 at 20:16, dougal said:

A beginner's guide to chromosomes
XY : Male
XX : Female
YYY : Delilah

 

 

This year's 'Flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk' championships will be held in Dordogne.

Just catching up on this thread after not looking for months. The ruler flicking one just made me laugh/snort out loud and I can't stop giggling. I've got tears running down my face. Trouble is I'm on the train from Portsmouth to London and the guy next to me  is looking very alarmed now! 

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superjack

A guy moves to Aberdeen from southern England and goes into the local booze.

As soon as his English accent is heard, the locals are unsure about him.

The barman asks him what he does and he says that he's a taxidermist. The barman asks what that is and he replies that he mounts and stuffs animals.

The barman shouts to the locals "it's ok boys, he's 1 of us". 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

So, this Irish bloke gets a job as a foreman at a large wheat farm in deepest England.

 

Being the generous kind, he soon starts to recruit other Irish guys to work on the farm.

 

One morning, he sees one of his new employees out in the field in a boat rowing through the growing grain.

 

He shouts at him: "Seamus, ya feckin eejit. You're the kind of Irishman gives the rest of us a bad name!   If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick yer ass!"

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narre

I saw Michael J Fox at a garden centre the other day... Recognised him straight away. He had his back to the fuchsias!

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narre

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive... Apparently the response, "Dont worry babe your tits cover it", wasn't the response she was looking for!

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narre

When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile. I said, "Thank **** for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"

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superjack

McDonald's opened a new  branch in Easter road recently. I went in and ordered a quarter punter with cheese. When the burger was served, there was no roll, just the burger and melted cheese.

Couldn't understand it as everything else in Easter road is inbred.

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Maple Leaf
13 hours ago, narre said:

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive... Apparently the response, "Dont worry babe your tits cover it", wasn't the response she was looking for!

 

:biggrin:  Reminds me the old joke, I was on a beach yesterday and saw a topless woman.  Guess what was between her nipples?  Her navel.

 

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Maple Leaf

Quip time:

 

When the fog lifts in California, UCLA

 

I'm terrified of lifts, so I'm taking steps to avoid them

 

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow

 

Cows have hooves because they lactose

 

There was big fight at the local chippie, now there are battered fish everywhere

 

My relationship with whisky is on the rocks

 

Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name

 

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan

 

Double negatives are a no-no in English

 

The problem with political jokes is that they sometimes get elected

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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John Gentleman

Felly went to the doctor. "Doctor, I've got this terrible wind. Can you give me something for it?

 

...and the doctor gave him a kite.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Donald Trump and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu, had car trouble in the countryside, before they asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There, from the barn, stood the Rabbi.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes them to be unclean animals."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the scene reoccurs, after another knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only Donald Trump to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow...

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narre

I was shaggin my wife last night and she looked back and said, "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my bum!" As soon as I did, she screamed... I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!

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superjack

A left wing politician, a BBC TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying.

The reporter asked that the sentence be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.

The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out but as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.

The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, "because" said the trooper, "When we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of *******s saying it was an unprovoked attack!"

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King Of The Cat Cafe
Posted (edited)

Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help.

 I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

Edited by King Of The Cat Cafe

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Robbo-Jambo
4 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help.

 I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

😀

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Sawdust Caesar
10 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said:

Today I was in Waterstones, and as I was wandering around, on of the assistants stopped me and offered to help.

 I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his US immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

:laugh2:

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Lemongrab

My wife kicked me out as she was sick of my crap Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

 

Don't worry...I'll return.

 

 

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Lemongrab

I was at an important job interview the other day.

I was asked "Are you on Facebook?"

   "No", I said.

"Are you on Twitter?"

   "No", I said.

"Are you on Instagram?"

   "No", I said.

"Look, just put your f****** phone away, will you?"

 

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superjack

A weasel walks into a pub and the barman says "wow, I've never served a weasel before, what do you want?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

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jamboy1982
Posted (edited)

Took the wife out for dinner last night. We were looking at the menu when she got up and went to the toilet. The waiter came over and said ‘are you ready to order?’

 

I said ‘the wife is just at the toilet’. The waiter then asked if I knew what she was having.

 

I said ‘well she’s been about 10 minutes so probably a shite.’

Edited by jamboy1982

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Sawdust Caesar

[LAUNDRY]

 

Washing - 30 minutes

 

Drying - 60 minutes

 

Putting away - 7 to 10 business days

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Say What Again

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

 

He started counting, but he fell asleep.

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superjack

Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it.
Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth.
I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?"
He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ".

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Morgan
1 minute ago, superjack said:

Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it.
Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth.
I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?"
He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ".

:jj_facepalm:face palm

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, superjack said:

Seeing as I'm home alone I decided to go out for my tea, well I deserve it.
Anyway, I ordered some scotch broth for starter. When it came, I looked at the bowl and I could see an extremely small guy, about 2 inches tall, wearing a Cape and his pants on top of his trousers, swimming in my broth.
I said to the waiter "what the feck is this?"
He replied "don't worry sir, it's just souperman ".

A contender for worst of the thread. Well done. :laugh4: 

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milky_26
1 hour ago, Lemongrab said:

A contender for worst of the thread. Well done. :laugh4: 

the thing is the top 5 worst on this thread have most likely been posted by superjack

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superjack
2 hours ago, milky_26 said:

the thing is the top 5 worst on this thread have most likely been posted by superjack

And the top 5  best as well?

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redjambo
26 minutes ago, superjack said:

And the top 5  best as well?

 

This is the best of them all. ;)

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luckyBatistuta

What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?

 

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

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luckyBatistuta

The owner of a pharmacy walks in to his shop and sees a man leaning against wall.

He asks the employee behind the counter “what’s wrong with the man against the wall”.

She replies “he had a bad cough, but i  couldn’t find the cough medicine, so i  gave him a whole bottle of laxative”

The owner flips and yells “you idiot, you can’t treat a bad cough with laxative”

To which the employee yells back “oh yeah, he ain’t coughing now”

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luckyBatistuta

What’s the difference between your wife and your job...after 5 years, your job will still suck.

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luckyBatistuta

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex...

oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

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luckyBatistuta

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating...

beef strokin off

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georgiehearts66
Posted (edited)

A woman goes to a supermarket to buy broccoli and when she can't see any she approached a young man who was stacking fruit. She asked him where it was located.

Terribly sorry Lady but we're sold out, but we shall have a delivery tomorrow.

The woman without a word, smiles and walks away. Ten minutes later she returns and asks again where was the broccoli. He very politely repeats his earlier answer.

 

The lady leaves and returns two further times, then leaves after hearing the same answer.

A few minutes later he sees her returning and sure enough she asks again where the broccoli is.

This time instead of the same answer he asks her a question. Lady , perhaps you could help me. He asked.
Could you spell for me "dog" as in dogmatic. She replied d.o.g.  Great he said.

Could you spell "cat" as in categorically. She  replied c.a.t.. great he said.

 

Can you spell "f..k" in broccoli. She replied. There's no f..k in broccoli .

Lady I have been trying to tell you that for the last half hour

Edited by georgiehearts66
Spelling

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ri Alban
2 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?

 

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

And the glue?

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superjack
3 hours ago, ri Alban said:

And the glue?

I knew that part would have someone stuck.

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ri Alban
2 hours ago, superjack said:

I knew that part would have someone stuck.

The joke was a bit tacky.

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Morgan
On 03/03/2019 at 01:52, narre said:

 

 

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

 

 

:getout:

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I P Knightley

I helped a poor old lady who'd fallen over in the street today. 

 

At least, I think she was poor. She only had  £1.37 in her purse. 

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Ugly American

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, Ugly American said:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

Had to think about that one. :) 

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Robbo-Jambo
On 10/04/2019 at 14:19, jamboy1982 said:

Took the wife out for dinner last night. We were looking at the menu when she got up and went to the toilet. The waiter came over and said ‘are you ready to order?’

 

I said ‘the wife is just at the toilet’. The waiter then asked if I knew what she was having.

 

I said ‘well she’s been about 10 minutes so probably a shite.’

😅😅

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Boof
5 hours ago, Ugly American said:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

 

Now, that's a good one.

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superjack

Why have no aliens visited our solar system?

 Because when they read the reviews they see it only has 1 star.

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