superjack Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 What did the glaswegian dog say when it accidently hurt it's paw? Sorry dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted May 3, 2018 Share Posted May 3, 2018 Got my Mum one of they Stannah stair lifts installed and she is not happy with it "She says its driving her up the wall " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted May 4, 2018 Share Posted May 4, 2018 What do you call a Judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted May 4, 2018 Share Posted May 4, 2018 On 01/05/2018 at 00:45, Maroon Sailor said: Sign in pet shop window.............'Clitoris licking frog'Woman walks into shop.............man behind counter says..........'Bonjour madam' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted May 5, 2018 Share Posted May 5, 2018 On 04/05/2018 at 14:26, dougal said: What do you call a Judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers What do you call a judge with no fingers Justice Thumbs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 21, 2018 Share Posted May 21, 2018 Two wind turbines are standing close to each other in a field. One says to the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 A man knocked on my door today and asked me for a small donation to the local public swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks him old he is? "I'm 90 years old,' he says "90!" Replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?" 'Oh, sorry' says the old man, 'how much do I owe you?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 I'd tell you a joke about construction but I'm still working on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 A man asked his wife to let him know next time she has an orgasm but she said she doesn't like to call him at his work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 22 minutes ago, Maroon Sailor said: I'd tell you a joke about construction but I'm still working on it 9 minutes ago, Maroon Sailor said: A man asked his wife to let him know next time she has an orgasm but she said she doesn't like to call him at his work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order. Edited May 23, 2018 by Maroon Sailor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 20 minutes ago, Maroon Sailor said: A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order. that’s a goodie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 On 30/04/2018 at 23:45, Maroon Sailor said: Sign in pet shop window.............'Clitoris licking frog'Woman walks into shop.............man behind counter says..........'Bonjour madam' Belter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 16 minutes ago, superjack said: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese Oh ffs...No please, No,No... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 Oh no superjack is back with his terrible jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 3 hours ago, milky_26 said: Oh no superjack is back with his terrible jokes Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 20 hours ago, superjack said: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese Oh god....... Love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Fudge Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 On 23 May 2018 at 21:33, superjack said: An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks him old he is? "I'm 90 years old,' he says "90!" Replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?" 'Oh, sorry' says the old man, 'how much do I owe you?' Superb??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 Shamelessly copied and pasted....... Dave and Taggart were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Dave stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Dave blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Coopers Sparkling Ale!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Taggart looked disgustedly at Dave whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Taggart said, "Nice going Dave! Now we're going to have to piss in the lifeboat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 On my last trip to Scotland as I was driving down towards Leith, and I was afraid my rental car had a turn signal that wasn't working. So I pulled over and asked the gent in the Hibs top to watch when I turned on the signal and tell me if it was working. I turned it on, and he said, "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted May 27, 2018 Share Posted May 27, 2018 (edited) On 30 March 2018 at 09:03, 1953 said: Went to the sperm clinic the other day, the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "I'm good, but I don't think I'm ready for competitions yet". So, this woman goes to the sperm clinic and the doctor spends a while going through cupboards in the storeroom. Eventually he comes out undoing his trousers and unzipping his fly and says "We are all out of bottled, let's try the draught..." Edited May 27, 2018 by King Of The Cat Cafe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 28, 2018 Share Posted May 28, 2018 Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 What do you get when you cross a bowl of lettuce leaves and an epileptic? Seizure Salad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 (edited) I asked my surgeon if I could do my own stitches. He said "Suture self." Edited May 30, 2018 by Sawdust Caesar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted May 30, 2018 Share Posted May 30, 2018 I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Help, does anybody know how to cancel an ebay bid. I made a daft bid for a cowboy outfit and I'm now 6 minutes away from owning Hibernian FC! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 On 28/05/2018 at 11:49, Maroon Sailor said: Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 On 28/05/2018 at 12:49, Maroon Sailor said: Doctor: "Look, you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!" 15 hours ago, Maroon Sailor said: Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.' 15 hours ago, Maroon Sailor said: I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". 10/10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 I had an appointment with my psychologist the other day. He said the good news was that he could cure me of my obsession with the Beatles but it would be a long and winding road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 What's the difference between a fridge and a *****.A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic. The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!" The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll. Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy. A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am." Supplier, "That's great!" Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience." Supplier, "Realistic then?" Guy, "So realistic...I got syphilis." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 41 minutes ago, superjack said: What's the difference between a fridge and a *****.A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......... "What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Moses descends from Mount Sinai with the stone tablets, and finds all the children of Israel cavorting around the Golden Calf, drinking, singing, with drunken couples romping around in various stages of undress. He shouts loudly to get the attention of the revellers. "Children of Israel, I have just spoken with God, and I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" The crowd roars back, "The good news first." Moses yells back, "He has agreed to reduce the Commandments from 15 down to 10." The crowd roars it's approval then a voice calls out, "What's the bad news?" "Adultery is still in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon Sailor Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 I always thought I would end up working in a mirror factory. Definitely something I can see myself doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." SHe then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. SHe made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. SHe asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Paddy & Mick walking along the road when suddenly, Paddy falls down an open manhole... "Have ye broken anything down there Paddy" shouts Mick... Paddy replies "I dont know, it's too dark down here to see anything". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Did you hear about the one armed fisherman? He caught a fish that was this big (hold out one arm) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 On 31/01/2018 at 12:53, Mollo said: Guy with no arms and no legs at a bus stop Bus arrives and the driver says "Hi John, how you getting on?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 English family of four, Mum, Dad, Son and Daughter, go on holiday. The son and daughter go looking around to see what they can spend their holiday money on. They go into a sports shop where they have various football strips on display and the boy tells his sister that he fancies that nice blue Scotland strip and he's going to buy it. His big sister clouts him around the ear and says "you can't buy a Scotland strip, dad will go mad and marched him out the shop. He goes back to the hotel and tells his mum that he wanted to buy a Scotland strip but his big sister hit him and wouldn't let him buy it. His mum also said that his dad would go mad if he bought a Scotland strip and gave him another clout. The boy went running to his dad and told him what his sister and then his mum did to him and the dad said "no son of mine will ever wear a Scotland strip" and told him to forget all about it. The wee boy ran off in the huff and shouted "I've only been a Scotland fan for 20 minutes and I hate you English b******* already! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neon Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 (edited) Latest from sky news on the English front " Next up it's Panama in Nizhny Novgorod on Sunday. The bar has been set quite high. " Same Panama to appear at their first ever world cup! Well played to them btw. Edited June 19, 2018 by Neon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 22, 2018 Share Posted June 22, 2018 People who don't know the difference between etymology and entomology bug me so much that I can't put it into words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 23, 2018 Share Posted June 23, 2018 A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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