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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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Morgan
On 29/10/2017 at 10:10, superjack said:

I went to a fancy dress shop to get a dracula costume and they gave me a hibs top!! I said I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count.

 

2333550C-4B27-4371-AF5E-C9299F8F9C53.jpeg

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superjack

I've started my own business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.

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Brighton Jambo
On 13/09/2015 at 16:04, Meadows said:

Just found out I'm colour blind.

 

That was a bolt out of the yellow !

Genius, properly laughed out loud

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sairyinthat

Late last night a policeman knocked on my door

I kept very quiet and locked the door

after twenty seconds he knocked again

I sat motionless and quiet and waited for him to go away

the knocks got louder and he peered in the window and shouted do you think I cant see you sitting there

Your not getting in here mate I said

He said I don't want to go in I want you to step out of the car.

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Morgan
On 10/30/2017 at 21:03, superjack said:

I've started my own business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.

:)

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superjack

I went to the pet shop today and bought my wife a pug. Despite having a squashed face,  bulging eyes, rolls of fat and generally being as ugly as Lee Griffiths, the dog seems to like her.

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Morgan
5 minutes ago, superjack said:

I went to the pet shop today and bought my wife a pug. Despite having a squashed face,  bulging eyes, rolls of fat and generally being as ugly as Lee Griffiths, the dog seems to like her.

Better Jack :thumb:

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Kalamazoo Jambo

I recently ordered a thesaurus from Amazon. When it arrived, all the pages were blank.

 

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Swanny17

Bought a new iron yesterday day but it doesn’t work. Anyone got a number for the Press Complaints Commission? 

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samgolden

I Was offered sex by a 25 year old woman in exchange that I'd Advertise some sort of Kitchen cleaner for her.

Of course I said no because of my strong willpower. Which is just as strong as Astonish .

The super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla

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Morgan
4 hours ago, samgolden said:

I Was offered sex by a 25 year old woman in exchange that I'd Advertise some sort of Kitchen cleaner for her.

Of course I said no because of my strong willpower. Which is just as strong as Astonish .

The super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla

 

615543D0-B7B0-4F6B-A5C7-F1A81617A94F.gif

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Morgan

Long John Silver was talking to his cabin boy, Jack. 

 

Jack said ‘did you know that the captain is an octogenarian’?

 

LJS said ‘how on earth did you find that out’?

 

Jack replies ‘because when I met him this morning he said Aye matey’.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

 

Who says: "dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear"?

Santa counting his reindeer.

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superjack

A Red Indian chief had three wives.
On Monday he slept with number one wife on a deer hide.
On Tuesday he slept with number two wife on a bear skin
On Wednesday he slept with number three wife on a hippopotamus hide.
Nine months later they all had babies. Number One and Two wife had a baby but
Number three wife had twins.
This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides

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132goals1958
1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

By the way, in this age of rapidly changing social standards, terms like "Red Indian" and "squaw" are frowned upon, even if the squaw is sitting on a hippopotamus! :biggrin:

 

 

 

Suppose that is fine if you know "How"

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stuart500

It's the Deep South USA.

 

The Preacher stands facing his packed congregation.

He raises his hands to the sky....

"The Lord made the whole world perfect!"

"The Lord made all the creatures in the sea perfect!"

"The Lord made all the creatures on the land perfect!"

"The Lord made it all perfect!"

 

Suddenly down the front a man with a hunched back stands up.

"But Preacher. What about me???"

 

The Preacher looks at him and says  

 

"Well that's what am tellin you, boy. The Lord made you a perfect hunchback!"

 

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superjack

In a small village in Yorkshire, the parish church appoint a new pastor, his name is Stephen Phlapps. After being introduced to the congregation a few of the locals invite him to the local pub for a few drinks. Stephen isn't much of a drinker so he decides he will leave after no more than 3 drinks.

When he is about to leave, an attractive young woman in the bar falls over absolutely pished. Stephen says "I'm just leaving so I can give the young lady a help along the road." 

So off Stephen and the drunk bursd go. As they get outside the pub and around a dark corner, the woman stumbles. As Stephen has his arm around her to support her, that both fall and land in a heap, with him on top.

At that point, the village Bobby appears. Seeing them on the ground in that way, he obviously jumps to conclusions and shouts "What is this, can't you pair of young dirties wait until you're home?" Stephen says "you don't understand officer, my name is Stephen, I've just moved into the village with the church and I was helping this young lady home."

"I don't care who you are, I could arrest you both for public indecency."

"But officer, I'm Pastor Phlapps."

The copper then replies "ok then, seeing as you're passed the foreplay, you might as well finish the job."

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iantjambo

Me and my German girlfriend have decided to start rating our sex life.

Yesterday we tried anal.

I got my best score yet, she kept yelling “nein,nein,nein”.

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Morgan
13 hours ago, iantjambo said:

Me and my German girlfriend have decided to start rating our sex life.

Yesterday we tried anal.

I got my best score yet, she kept yelling “nein,nein,nein”.

giphy.gif

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Ugly American

Seems everyone has a story about ol' Rev. Dryfry. You'd have a potluck supper, and if there was fried chicken, it didn't matter if he was invited or not, Rev. Dryfry would show up and find a way to get himself first in line.

 

Anyways, one day the Reverend woke up to find his bike missing. Incensed that someone would steal a bike from a man of the cloth, he stormed down to the general store to ask if anyone had seen it.

 

Merle behind the counter said, "alright Pastor, here's what ye do. Preach on the 10 commandments on Sunday. When you get down to 'thou shalt not steal,' cast a cold eye out on the congregation.  The one that breaks out in the coldest sweat has your bike.'"

 

Rev. Dryfry thought this was a good idea so he mounted to the pulpit on Sunday, got worked up, and started preaching the 10 commandments from memory, rearranging them all in his head, saving "thou shalt not steal" for a big finish at the very end. He was well into them and on a fiery tear when he made it down to "thou shalt not commit adultery!"

 

It was at that moment that he remembered where his bike was.

Edited by Ugly American

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Ulysses

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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Bauld

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.

 

I prefer to call it a flap jack. 

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Ulysses

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

 

 

Kinky is using a feather.  Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

 

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Morgan
17 hours ago, Bauld said:

Gynaecologists use a device called a speculum to spread open the vagina.

 

I prefer to call it a flap jack. 

0caecf799a836197556a4760d9981de7--live-t

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Bauld
16 minutes ago, Morgan said:

0caecf799a836197556a4760d9981de7--live-t

i4v3o.jpg

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Morgan
1 hour ago, Bauld said:

i4v3o.jpg

 

382DCFF0-46B8-4ED4-B467-62926643E17D.jpeg

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Bauld
27 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

382DCFF0-46B8-4ED4-B467-62926643E17D.jpeg

4.jpg

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Morgan
8 minutes ago, Bauld said:

4.jpg

56947144-352-k297922.jpg

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Bauld
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

56947144-352-k297922.jpg

BN4SjHuCUAA0jxC.jpg

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Morgan
12 minutes ago, Bauld said:

BN4SjHuCUAA0jxC.jpg

buchanan-ken-11.jpg

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milky_26

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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Maple Leaf
3 hours ago, milky_26 said:

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 

Pretty good, but probably impossible to tell at a party, especially after a couple of drinks.

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milky_26
31 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

Pretty good, but probably impossible to tell at a party, especially after a couple of drinks.

how about this one

 

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”

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milky_26

Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.
No woman no Sky

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milky_26

I met a girl with 12 nipples today
Sounds fun
Dozen tit

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superjack

Seen a guy playing dancing queen on a didgeridoo last night.

I thought it was rather abba-riginal. 

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Kiwidoug
On 31/10/2017 at 03:41, Morgan said:

 

2333550C-4B27-4371-AF5E-C9299F8F9C53.jpeg

Superb Morgan.  I'll be using that one in the pub today.  I spread the gospel over here.  Got everyone I know hating Hibs.

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Kiwidoug

With our a shadow of a doubt this is the best thread ever on kickback.  I'll be the heart and soul of my Friday drinking school later on.

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Morgan
1 hour ago, Kiwidoug said:

Superb Morgan.  I'll be using that one in the pub today.  I spread the gospel over here.  Got everyone I know hating Hibs.

 

7 minutes ago, Kiwidoug said:

With our a shadow of a doubt this is the best thread ever on kickback.  I'll be the heart and soul of my Friday drinking school later on.

You been on the Jack Levey already Doug?

 

:wink:

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Kiwidoug
3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

 

You been on the Jack Levey already Doug?

 

:wink:

No.  I'm sitting here in my ukio bankas top waiting for the cricket to start and absolutely stantoning myself.

 

First Stella will coincide with the first ball bowled then down to the pub at the end of the first session.

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Morgan
3 minutes ago, Kiwidoug said:

No.  I'm sitting here in my ukio bankas top waiting for the cricket to start and absolutely stantoning myself.

 

First Stella will coincide with the first ball bowled then down to the pub at the end of the first session.

Enjoy!

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Kiwidoug
10 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Enjoy!

Meant to add Morgan that if it's a good session in the pub and England are doing well at the cricket I'll probably get a bit pished and make a Dracula of myself!!

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