Governor Tarkin Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 Q. What's the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in the bath? A. One has hope in her soul... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 14 minutes ago, Governor Tarkin said: Q. What's the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in the bath? A. One has hope in her soul... What is the difference between a magician,s wand and a policeman,s baton. One is for cunning stunts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid A Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 I used to know 2 Polish audio technicians. A Czech one too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 23 hours ago, 132goals1958 said: What is the difference between a magician,s wand and a policeman,s baton. One is for cunning stunts. I bought a duck do. What's a duck do? Quack! Why is an elephant big grey and wrinkly? Because if it was wee white and smooth it would be an askit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 (edited) 41 minutes ago, ri Alban said: I bought a duck do. What's a duck do? Quack! Why is an elephant big grey and wrinkly? Because if it was wee white and smooth it would be an askit. I bought a piecost What's a piecost About 85p in Gregg's Edited September 11, 2018 by LeftBack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I'm not going to dignify that story above by quoting it, so ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 On 10/09/2018 at 14:03, VladMagic said: Guy's out hunting when he spots a bear in a clearing down by a river. Loads up his rifle and takes aim at the bear and BANG lets fly. Checks to see if he kills the bear but there is nothing to be seen? Feels a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. "You just tried to kill me! I am now either going to eat you alive or give you a stiff rogering from behind. Your choice!!" Hunter decides death isn't an option and plans revenge so opts for the stiff rogering which is duly dealt out by the bear. Swearing revenge the hunter returns a month later with an assault rifle and fully loaded magazine. Heads back to the same spot by the river and low n behold the bear is there. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG he empties the rifle at the bear. Wanders down to recover the bears body but its not there? He feels another tap on the shoulder? Its the bear. "You just tried to kill me again!! Either I eat you now or I give you another good rogering. Hunter not wanting to be eaten and again swearing revenge takes another good seeing to from the bear. Few months later he returns to the same spot with a Bazooka swearing revenge on the bear. Wanders down to the clearing and low n behold the bear is there. Loads the bazooka, takes aim and fires. BOOOOOOOOM!!!!! Hunter wanders down to find its remains but nothing? Then he feels a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. "You aren't here for the hunting are you??" This is a cracker. I tried telling myself it today to see if I could pull it off, and it just about worked (although I laughed too much at the final line). Looking forward to sharing it with others! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 49 minutes ago, redjambo said: This is a cracker. I tried telling myself it today to see if I could pull it off, and it just about worked (although I laughed too much at the final line). Looking forward to sharing it with others! Just read it, it’s a beauty looking forward to telling that too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Knock knock? Who's there? Avon yer bell's fecked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Two blood cells met and fell in love but, alas, it was all in vein. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I hear the inventor of the inflatable shoe has died. Popped his clogs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feedtheroman2 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 On 12/09/2018 at 21:53, redjambo said: This is a cracker. I tried telling myself it today to see if I could pull it off, and it just about worked (although I laughed too much at the final line). Looking forward to sharing it with others! I don't get this at all. Clearly too tired haha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 Husband and wife are involved in a nasty car crash. Husband walks away relatively unscathed but his poor wife is in a coma and on life support. After months of visiting his stricken wife the doctors pull him into the office and give him the sad news that there is nothing more they can do and they intend to switch off the life support. They of course grant him time to say his last goodbyes which he duly does in the privacy of the hospital room. Saying literally his last goodbyes he plants a long passionate kiss on his wives forehead when suddenly the life support bursts into life, vital signs go through the roof and momentarily his wife shows signs of pulling through. The doctors come running in before the life signs return to dangerously low as they were before. "Tell us exactly what you did" asks the doctor. "Well I simply said my goodbyes then gave her a long kiss on the forehead" explains the man. The doctors disappear through to the back office to discuss what appears to be a miracle happening before them. They return with a diagnosis. "We think Sir that your last kiss triggered an as yet, un-witnessed in the medical world, fight for survival from your wife triggered by your act of love and passion. We believe that she still might pull through with an even greater act of passion. We want you to try oral sex" The man is doubtful yet desperate to try anything to save his wife so agrees. The doctors retreat leaving the man alone with his wife. 10 minutes later. FLAT LINE!!!! Machines going crazy, vital signs non existent the doctors come flying in from out the back wondering what on earth has happened? They find the man zipping his fly up. "I think she's choked" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpship Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 What's purple and lives at the bottom of the sea, Moby plum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 On 28/07/2018 at 13:10, Maple Leaf said: Football books that should be published: "Biography of a Hibee", by Hugh Jaynus. "Artificial Surfaces are Rotten", by Moe deGrasse. Catching up on this thread so this is a late reply, but "My Life as an Cleaner Under Portable Stands" by Seymour Rarse should go here too. Also a bit miffed because I swore I'd already done the bear hunting one here before but can't find it. One of my favorites. IMO the key to telling it in person is making angry faces for the bear's first two lines and then having a shit-eating grin for the last one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 What has two thumbs, speaks French and irresistible to the ladies. Moi! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 Man dies after being hit by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry. Going to tell his wife, the policeman goes "I find this hard to say..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Whilst the missus was out last week, I put the Hibs match on the telly. She came home unexpectedly early so quickly pulled my trousers down and put some porn on the telly to avoid any embarrassment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 A woman goes on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “first offender?” She says, “no. First a Gibson, then a Fender.” My parrot died at the weekend because of extreme obesity. I'm sad, but it's a weight off my shoulders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Don't trust atoms. They make up everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Bloke finds an old lamp and gives it a wipe to clean it, and out pops a genie. "You have three wishes", said the genie, "use them wisely." Bloke says "I wish you were crap at maths." "What a waste of a wish", the genie replies, "now you've only got nine left." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 40 minutes ago, Ulysses said: Bloke finds an old lamp and gives it a wipe to clean it, and out pops a genie. "You have three wishes", said the genie, "use them wisely." Bloke says "I wish you were crap at maths." "What a waste of a wish", the genie replies, "now you've only got nine left." Me likey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 12 hours ago, Ulysses said: Bloke finds an old lamp and gives it a wipe to clean it, and out pops a genie. "You have three wishes", said the genie, "use them wisely." Bloke says "I wish you were crap at maths." "What a waste of a wish", the genie replies, "now you've only got nine left." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 An undertaker arrives home from work one day sporting a lovely black eye. "What happened to you?" asks his wife. "Well, the police called me to the Grand Hotel today. They'd found a dead guy in his room with a large erection and they were having trouble fitting him into the body bag. They needed my help." "So?" says the wife. "So I went to the room and, sure enough, the guy was lying there with the biggest erection I've ever seen. I grabbed it with both hands and tried to break it in two." "Ok," says the wife, "but how did you get the black eye?" "I was in the wrong room." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 19 hours ago, redjambo said: Me likey! 8 hours ago, Robbo-Jambo said: It is crap, though, but in this case that helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 I asked the boss what to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap that had been delivered. ”Just pop it in the storeroom” he said. Took me all f*****g day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 In the bank today, teller pushed me right over, I only asked her to check my balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 On 05/10/2018 at 14:44, FWJ said: I asked the boss what to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap that had been delivered. ”Just pop it in the storeroom” he said. Took me all f*****g day! Good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 May have already done this one... Two older gents are sitting out in front of the village shop on a hot afternoon. Along comes a stray dog and lies down in the middle of the road in front of them and starts licking his baws. One of the men turns to the other and points at the dog and says, "see that? Sure wish I could do that." The other man looks at him in disbelief and says, "You'd better not try, he'll bite you for sure!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) On the parade ground one day, the drill sergeant has his group of US Marines line up in two rows, one two feet behind the other, all bollock naked. Wandering along the front row he notices that one of the guys has an enormous erection. Feeling somewhat jealous, he hits it a hefty whack with his baton. The marine does not even flinch Quite amazed at this lack of reaction, the drill sergeant asked "Did it not hurt when I hit your erection?" The marine shouts out: "Sir, no sir. It belongs to the guy in the row behind." Edited October 8, 2018 by King Of The Cat Cafe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 11 hours ago, King Of The Cat Cafe said: On the parade ground one day, the drill sergeant has his group of US Marines line up in two rows, one two feet behind the other, all bollock naked. Wandering along the front row he notices that one of the guys has an enormous erection. Feeling somewhat jealous, he hits it a hefty whack with his baton. The marine does not even flinch The drill sergeant shouts "Did that hurt?" "No sergeant," shouts the Marine. "Why not?" shouts the sergeant. "Because I'm a Marine," shouts the Marine. The sergeant walks down the line, sees another erection, and gives it a whack as well. The marine does not even flinch The drill sergeant shouts "Did that hurt?" "No sergeant," shouts the Marine. "Why not?" shouts the sergeant. "Because it belongs to the guy in the row behind," shouts the Marine. Is the longer version of that joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 A guy died in an accident at the Nestlé factory when fully laden shelving collapsed on him. When he screamed, "the Milky Bars are on me!" his colleagues just cheered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights, She said “I love you” & then she got all excited, quickly undressed & we had the most amazing sex ever, Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money... Last night I shagged a girl called Penny. Spooky or what! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 I was at my ex-girlfriends funeral when her father came storming up to me. "Why the **** do you have an erection?" he yelled. "Calm down mate, it's not what it looks like," I reassured him. "It's just mourning wood! My local pub has announced £100 prize for the best Halloween outfit. My wife won it last year. She wasn't too happy though... She'd only come to pick me up! The best advice I ever got was, "Don't let Sean Connery teach your dog to sit!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Me: What's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Barman: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Barman: £3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase! This morning hasn’t worked out well for me. I swallowed some Lego and now I’m sat in A&E... The doctors don’t seem too worried but I’m shitting bricks! A guy is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door & sees a snail on the porch. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can. Two years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 On our High Street we have a Specsavers, Boots and a branch of Greggs... It’s all Specs, Drugs and Sausage Rolls! After meeting a gorgeous blonde last night, I took her home and had sex with her. After we finished she said that I was shit in bed... How the **** does she know after 20 seconds? My Dad once said to me, "If you really want something in life, you've got to get out there and grab it with both hands." So I did... Now the barmaid with the big tits at the 'Rose and Crown' has reported me to the police! What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking... And then I saw her face! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 don't quit the day job narre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 So, there I was, getting smashed in the Arsehole, when I suddenly thought... 'What a strange name for a pub!' I took a photo of a mouse today... He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it! The wife and I went to see a marriage guidance councillor today. He asked if I knew what her favourite flower was... I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied, "I know this one, it's self raising isn't it? The Man Utd team visited an orphanage in London today. "It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Ben, age six There are some horrible people about... I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four men in Hibs shirts playing football with it. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 1 hour ago, Jeff said: don't quit the day job narre Harsh. Some of them are quite good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 59 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: Harsh. Some of them are quite good. Proper dad at a party style jokes. Giving me bad memories... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bn jambo Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 2 hours ago, Jeff said: Proper dad at a party style jokes. Giving me bad memories... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 2 hours ago, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . That'll make 'em think. Clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 2 hours ago, bn jambo said: They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but i proved them wrong, so far i've made 3 jugs and a vase . ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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