The Friday Joke thread

[Deek]

Katie Couric, of American CBS News programme, while interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, asked

 

'What do you feel when you shoot a Taliban Fighter?'

 

The Marine shrugged and replied,

 

'A slight recoil.'

 

[Deek]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

 

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was

questioning Seamus.

 

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

asked the solicitor.

 

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just

loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just

Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,

'I'm fine!'?'

 

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and

said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his

favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

 

'Now what the ***** would you say?'

[Graeme Russell]

Met a guy in the pub and he said he was an addict.

 

I asked him what he was addicted to.

 

He said he was drinking 4 tins of brake fluid a day

 

I said "you must be worried"

 

"not at all" he said "i can stop anytime":)

[Deek]

A man from Liverpool walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up

to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing benefits.I'd

really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter says, "Your

timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man

who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful

nymphomaniac daughter.You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be

provided.You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.You'll be provided a two-bedroom

apartment above the garage.The starting salary is ?200,000 a year."The guy,

wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"The Social Worker says, "Yeah,

well... You started it."

[Say What Again]

An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, 'You know, it's always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?'

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. 'Yes, he did.'

 

'Who was he?' he asks.

 

The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

 

She gulps down her wine and finally, she says, 'You'.

[Jed The Jedi]

I think it's a joke that Jack of Hearts has so much time on his hands with the amount of jokes he is typing out;)

[Jed The Jedi]

A drunk sitting in Sauchiehall street when an elephant walks past him, picks up a brick throws it through the jewlers window, hoovers up the jewels and legs it, cops arrive and asks the drunk what did you see,drunks says elephant brick, jewels, gone, the cops laugh and say what kind of elephant was it, the drunk says what do you mean, cop says was it an Indian or Afican elephant, indian ones have small ears and african ones have large ears, drunk says how the feck do i know.......

 

 

wait

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it had a feckin balaclava on

[Say What Again]

I think it's a joke that Jack of Hearts has so much time on his hands with the amount of jokes he is typing out;)

 

 

 

 

 

I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say "You're next".

 

 

They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals...