Yer families Crimbo dinner table and yer take on them

[Beats]

Fair enough. You should have just booted her right in the *** though.

 

Hahaha good one Kenneth.

[CostaJambo]

So are the Japanese dude and dudette just turning up on the day, or were they invited? How did that come about or did you buy them on the internet? Seems a bit random lol!

:santa1:

 

Thanks John, I thought that as well but didn't like to ask. :santa1:

[rossthejambo]

Fair enough. You should have just booted her right in the *** though.

 

that line just never gets old

[Sexton Hardcastle]

Fair enough. You should have just booted her right in the *** though.

 

[Nelly Terraces]

I'm at the In laws :santa5:again

 

 

Table, in no particular order

 

Paw in law - Obedient to his partner, two cans max and polite as

 

Mum in law - never worked but addicted spender to e-bay,bargain channels, who will generously hand out presents paid by her hard ever working partner, cheers.

 

Sister in law - Wouldny ride into battle, looks like a guy, so nout really to look at, unlike her mummy, who ten yrs ago might have got it.

 

Sister in laws partner , a girl, puts her sister in the Jordan mould when sneakily glancing at her partners bits in that strange and dirty way, but with a backside size (xxxxxl) that i have yet to see topped, no wonder she's strange

 

Brother in law - nice guy, never seen with a burd and doesny drink, but listens to my over powering sh1 t

 

My partner - thankfully caters for my lust, takes her mummy's looks and ignores my drink greed as I'm ushered away after a few hrs of happy family's

 

 

Merry Crimbo

 

Brilliant post chief. THat gave me a right old grin.

 

The true spirit of Chrimbo. Nutter families and getting fecking steamboats.

[Nookie Bear]

Ho ho ho, Xmas at my folks! If we were all present, this is what it'd look like:

 

Mum: a nice lady in many ways, but appallingly shut down. She's had to be like that to live with my Dad the last 32 years: a marriage in which they do love each other in their own weird way, certainly need and would be lost without one another.

 

Would get up stupidly early and be in the kitchen most of the day, the turkey being ready by around 4.30pm. A great cook: makes a brilliant Xmas dinner, roast potatoes which are quite perfect, sausages wrapped in bacon which are just yummy. Would eventually lose her rag with someone later in the day: normally the person who least deserves it.

 

Dad: a coiled spring. Had a hideous childhood which he can't talk about, but we certainly all know about. As a result, is always liable to fly off the handle and become horribly angry. Because he's more shut down than anyone I've ever met, is basically unable to have a conversation with anyone, except about politics. Would stay in bed til lunchtime, start a horrendous argument over Xmas dinner, chain smoke throughout and spend the evening watching telly by himself (as he's done almost every night for the last 30 years) while the rest of us play trivial pursuit next door.

 

Gran: Simply crazy. My Mum's mum, and the reason my aunt - her other daughter - wouldn't be there, as their relationship is poisonous. My gran is like a cross between Peggy Mitchell and nana in the Royle Family, and has a horrible ability to get under people's skin. My friend Maris once compared everyone in my family to plants: I was a spider plant, frantically trying to maintain a relationship with everyone; my gran was, um, a cactus.

 

Like everyone in my family, she means well, and isn't a bad person. She's just very complicated and, well, exhausting. Can be relied upon to have a rant about politics at some point, to which my brother would argue back: my gran is quite hilariously ignorant, and thinks that having lived through the blitz while my other gran was at Auschwitz, she somehow had it worse. She thinks Alf Garnett was a serious character, worries about mixed marriages because "it's the children I feel sorry for", and believes there are fewer homeless people on the streets of London nowadays because "they get given everything. Handouts, a flat, everything!"

 

My brother: mental. A Socialist Worker whose method of dealing with his awful childhood has been never to talk about it, but throw himself into far left politics instead. Seems to have swallowed the collective works of Karl Marx one day, which he repeats ad nauseum. A very funny chap, and the apple of my Mum's eye: developed a kind of pretend language to cope with living at home, which only him and me could understand, and we'd frequently converse in, to the bemusement and amusement of everyone else.

 

I've not seen Andrew in four years now. I'd really like to, believe me - but he's basically walked away from the family for reasons I totally understand, and largely agree with. If and when we do see each other again, it's difficult to know what we'd talk about, other than football I guess: he's a devoted Spurs fan.

 

Older of my two younger sisters: a wonderful, gentle person, certainly the person in my family I get on with best, and we probably understand each other best too. Bullied horribly by my brother throughout her childhood; and her life was made almost unbearable by my Dad. Now living by herself, and since she's been able to do that (helped by me: as things became more and more extreme, and after she'd attempted suicide several times, I more or less forcibly removed her from home, and helped her find a flat), has made enormous progress, and really begun to discover who she is. Almost unrecognisable from the person she was five years ago, and Roberta is far and away the smartest of us all too.

 

Younger of my two younger sisters: a very funny and bright girl, but sadly, horrendously shut down and down on herself. Spends almost every waking hour at home in her room. And because she's lived with my parents for so long, has also picked up their sarcasm and ability to get to the rest of us. Unlike Roberta, finds it impossible to talk about her problems, and doesn't think she deserves to be happy at all: Sophie's self-esteem is as low as I've ever known in someone, and it's hard to know how things will turn around for her. They won't until she wants them to, and reaches out for help.

 

Aunt: as I said, she wouldn't be there anyway. A massively positive influence on Roberta's and my life, because she saw how disastrously and dangerously dysfunctional our family was before anyone else, and made a point of telling all of us kids it wasn't our fault. But complicated and very intense herself: Judith is genuinely OCD when it comes to cleanliness. To give you an idea, when I visit her flat, I have to take my shoes off, pick my suitcase up, carry it into the spare room and put it down on a mat; and if you drop a couple of crumbs or don't tuck a chair neatly back under the table, she gets very antsy and starts fidgeting.

 

Loathes spending time at my family home as much as the rest of us - so when there, would play Solitaire online for pretty much the whole weekend. Can go cold sometimes, and is still dealing with her mess of a childhood all these years later; but a positive influence, and I love her to bits.

 

Most families argue at Christmas: nothing unusual in that. But for a family as dysfunctional and extreme as mine is, Xmas was an utter nightmare. We'd all drag each other down, and start playing the roles we were more or less assigned as kids: Roberta screaming and shouting, me the peacemaker, but invariably at my own expense. For the third straight year, I'm not spending it at home (and neither are Roberta or Andrew): it's just too much, and would leave me exhausted for weeks afterwards - and what happened last time I was there in 2006 (and only because Sophie attempted suicide on Xmas Eve: both my sisters tried to kill themselves over a two or three year period) left me swearing to myself: "Never again!"

 

On the bright side, my relationship with my parents is improving, and I do genuinely love them. I just see them on my own terms now: away from the home environment over a meal somewhere. Indeed, the whole thing is improving because we live such separate lives now: it's a bit like when a married couple try and stay together for their kids' benefit, but only make it worse, and things only get better after they've gone their separate ways. And there is plenty of black comedy in my family: the whole thing is like a Chekhov play really, and I argue frequently with Roberta over who's going to write the book. Because she's smarter, she will. :santa1:

 

Is it just me, or did anyone else read that in the voice of Simon Bates?