jambojackbilly Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I'm at the In laws :santa5:again Table, in no particular order Paw in law - Obedient to his partner, two cans max and polite as Mum in law - never worked but addicted spender to e-bay,bargain channels, who will generously hand out presents paid by her hard ever working partner, cheers. Sister in law - Wouldny ride into battle, looks like a guy, so nout really to look at, unlike her mummy, who ten yrs ago might have got it. Sister in laws partner , a girl, puts her sister in the Jordan mould when sneakily glancing at her partners bits in that strange and dirty way, but with a backside size (xxxxxl) that i have yet to see topped, no wonder she's strange Brother in law - nice guy, never seen with a burd and doesny drink, but listens to my over powering sh1 t My partner - thankfully caters for my lust, takes her mummy's looks and ignores my drink greed as I'm ushered away after a few hrs of happy family's Merry Crimbo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverlikedElvis Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Sister in law - Wouldny ride into battle, looks like a guy, so nout really to look at, unlike her mummy, who ten yrs ago might have got it. FFS!! LOL :santa1::santa1::santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southside1874 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I'm at the In laws :santa5:again Table, in no particular order Paw in law - Obedient to his partner, two cans max and polite as Mum in law - never worked but addicted spender to e-bay,bargain channels, who will generously hand out presents paid by her hard ever working partner, cheers. Sister in law - Wouldny ride into battle, looks like a guy, so nout really to look at, unlike her mummy, who ten yrs ago might have got it. Sister in laws partner , a girl, puts her sister in the Jordan mould when sneakily glancing at her partners bits in that strange and dirty way, but with a backside size (xxxxxl) that i have yet to see topped, no wonder she's strange Brother in law - nice guy, never seen with a burd and doesny drink, but listens to my over powering sh1 t My partner - thankfully caters for my lust, takes her mummy's looks and ignores my drink greed as I'm ushered away after a few hrs of happy family's Merry Crimbo Happy dayz:santa4: Off to the in laws as well, always a great time. They own a couple of restaurants so the food and wines always spot on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randle P McMurphy Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Mum- good hearted but beginning to show her age by going a bit gaga Dad- legendary boozer who canny hack it anymore due to cancer drugs Son1- 19yr old + just doesnt want to be there Son2- 12yr old bored as no-one his age fussy eater Big sis- lovely nature tho dominated by partner Sisters partner- never worked for 20 yrs but lives in luxury dodgy as hell Sis's partner daughter 1- completely anonymous more conversation out of plants Sis's partner daughter 2- spoiled brat following in dads footsteps, strangely attractive Her boyfriend - gowbo from still game Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronJambo Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 christmas at my place this year my maw - will irritate the hell out of me after a few hours my dad - will drink me under the table her maw - will irritate the hell out of me as soon as she walks in the door. hopefully get her a seat on the balcony at her own table quite far from me her dad - very quiet with old values. enjoys a beer. likes me because i look after his daughter and i nod my head at the right time and look interested when he tells his stories. i quite like him. he loves telling me he had a kickabout with emlyn hughes at a wedding. my cousin - she'll eat loads, and drink loads. great lass. my cousins husband - top bloke. i was his best man. he'll drink the bud and the jack daniels dry. will catch him out if he's started smoking again. her - she'll cook a big turkey and some veg. will drink chamagne, wine, jagos, port, and gin. on boxing day, she'll wonder how she was wrecked. hmmm japanese dude - will be having his first british christmas. will tell his good lady she needs to lose weight and that her crows feet are getting more visible. top bloke, tells it like it is. will probably bring some sake with him (or rather, hopefully). won't understand a word my mum says. japanese dudes lady - doesn't drink, but is happy for her bloke to. is very slim. will be in control of getting her man home after he's pished Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigC Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Brother - Will end up cooking alongside me. Nae problems although he nags me a bit. Brother's girlfried - Cool too, keeps my Mum occupied. Mother - Can't really enjoy Christmas because she's upset at not having a partner since divorcing the old man 20 years ago. Brother's bird is bringing the family around so she'll need to behave. Usually picks a fight with me at Xmas for no reason. Bro's Girl's Dad... Only met him once but seems friendly. Been warned he's tight as a ducks chuff. Bro's Girl's Mum... Only met very briefly. Quite neurotic apparently. I'm going to get pished and leave as early as possible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychocAndy Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 A part from Brother in Law and his family, who have exiled themselves, it's all the outlaws this year. There all great really. The only thing is the "far to good for the likes of me" Mrs PsychocAndy has the flu and a chest infection so it might Fung at the Canton cooking our dinner and the outlaws staying at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neverlikedElvis Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 A part from Brother in Law and his family, who have exiled themselves, it's all the outlaws this year.There all great really. The only thing is the "far to good for the likes of me" Mrs PsychocAndy has the flu and a chest infection so it might Fung at the Canton cooking our dinner and the outlaws staying at home. granny-gaga but funny stepdad-2 glasses of wine-obnoxious/bigoted/rude as **** mum-on tiptoes, excuses for hubby at the ready grannys boyfriend :santa1: sound auntie- 6 years older than me, zoomer aunties hubby-hibby, very rarely mentions the football at xmas (expect different this year) wife (mine) driving-rolls eyes/checks watch every 30 mins after 2 hours-longing for a drink when its over daughter (mine) first xmas with us-could be pleasantly surprised/extremely disappointed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Mother in law - Will drink until passed out Father in law - Utter ****** Auntie - See Mother in law Brother in law- See Mother in law Sister in law and brother in law - See Mother in law. Wife - Will be running about frantically doing everything as her mum will be too pished after a certain time to cook the dinner properly Welcome to the happy world of the Weegie Xmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moriarty Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Mum- good hearted but beginning to show her age by going a bit gagaDad- legendary boozer who canny hack it anymore due to cancer drugs Son1- 19yr old + just doesnt want to be there Son2- 12yr old bored as no-one his age fussy eater Big sis- lovely nature tho dominated by partner Sisters partner- never worked for 20 yrs but lives in luxury dodgy as hell Sis's partner daughter 1- completely anonymous more conversation out of plants Sis's partner daughter 2- spoiled brat following in dads footsteps, strangely attractive Her boyfriend - gowbo from still game Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miller Jambo 60 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Mother in law - Will drink until passed out Father in law - Utter ****** Auntie - See Mother in law Brother in law- See Mother in law Sister in law and brother in law - See Mother in law. Wife - Will be running about frantically doing everything as her mum will be too pished after a certain time to cook the dinner properly Welcome to the happy world of the Weegie Xmas. And you are still off the bevy Andy, I will be at home with the wife and 2 kids. And get to watch my tv in peace.:santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 My Mum will do a great job making a five course Christmas feast, she'll not get drunk because of... My Dad, raging alcoholic, in recovery, been sober for about a month now, will find Christmas day hard, if he has a drink, it'll ruin the day. Wee sister, is great, no problem at all, love her to bits unlike... Brother-in-Law, grade A arsehole, tim (need I say more), will demand that he gets a bevvy even it makes it harder for my Dad, then blame my Dad if he ends up taking a drink. Anyway, who likes the guy that ****s their sister? Two nieces, loud, like competitive pneumatic drills, their shrill shrieking and shouting at each other will result in a headache after about 10 minutes. Will actually detest them by mid afternoon. Wife, long suffering Mrs The Doctor, will tolerate all, she doesn't drink anyway, she'll just make polite conversation and look pretty! My own three boys, will be high as kites, but they're quite well behaved, they can't often be heard over their cousins. And me, I'll probably not have a drink in solidarity with the old man. I can wait until I get home and watch Doctor Who! We'll all be at church in the morning! Which means, for the first time in my life, I'm working Christmas day! (for about an hour) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davemclaren Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Anyone on JKB not got a dysfunctional family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victor Mancini Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Anyone on JKB not got a dysfunctional family? that was a thread-killing quote lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgiewave Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 For a combination of reasons, I will be on my tod in my wee flat in Madrid on Christmas Day. I.e., quite a good lad, good a mensh in the Awards threads from the liquidator for "bringing a bit of intelligence to the thread". The fourth different place I'll spend Xmas Day in four years. But I'm from a dysfunctional (wae bells on) family so this misanthrope will no be greeting. I've got a big fancy ham in though, fecked if I'm going without. :108years: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoJack Horseman Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Anyone on JKB not got a dysfunctional family? Is there such a thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 And you are still off the bevy Andy, I will be at home with the wife and 2 kids.And get to watch my tv in peace.:santa1: Still off it Dougy boy aye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondejamtart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Anyone on JKB not got a dysfunctional family? Just what I was thinking too - if you all hate your relatives so much, why spend Christmas with them? Bizarre... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pauline Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 For a combination of reasons, I will be on my tod in my wee flat in Madrid on Christmas Day. I.e., quite a good lad, good a mensh in the Awards threads from the liquidator for "bringing a bit of intelligence to the thread". The fourth different place I'll spend Xmas Day in four years. But I'm from a dysfunctional (wae bells on) family so this misanthrope will no be greeting. I've got a big fancy ham in though, fecked if I'm going without. :108years: Aww Me, I'm working :santa5: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambojackbilly Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Just what I was thinking too - if you all hate your relatives so much, why spend Christmas with them? Bizarre... Dont see much if any hate on the thread Just posters letting off some lighthearted steam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondejamtart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Dont see much if any hate on the thread Just posters letting off some lighthearted steam Sorry, maybe hate was too strong a word - but there's certainly a sense of people "putting up" with relatives they really don't like all that much. Why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randle P McMurphy Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Sorry, maybe hate was too strong a word - but there's certainly a sense of people "putting up" with relatives they really don't like all that much. Why? Because that's the spirit of Christmas! Besides you usually have to endure some people to enable you to spend time with the other people you really love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Old Tolbooth Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 christmas at my place this year my maw - will irritate the hell out of me after a few hours my dad - will drink me under the table her maw - will irritate the hell out of me as soon as she walks in the door. hopefully get her a seat on the balcony at her own table quite far from me her dad - very quiet with old values. enjoys a beer. likes me because i look after his daughter and i nod my head at the right time and look interested when he tells his stories. i quite like him. he loves telling me he had a kickabout with emlyn hughes at a wedding. my cousin - she'll eat loads, and drink loads. great lass. my cousins husband - top bloke. i was his best man. he'll drink the bud and the jack daniels dry. will catch him out if he's started smoking again. her - she'll cook a big turkey and some veg. will drink chamagne, wine, jagos, port, and gin. on boxing day, she'll wonder how she was wrecked. hmmm japanese dude - will be having his first british christmas. will tell his good lady she needs to lose weight and that her crows feet are getting more visible. top bloke, tells it like it is. will probably bring some sake with him (or rather, hopefully). won't understand a word my mum says. japanese dudes lady - doesn't drink, but is happy for her bloke to. is very slim. will be in control of getting her man home after he's pished So are the Japanese dude and dudette just turning up on the day, or were they invited? How did that come about or did you buy them on the internet? Seems a bit random lol! :santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Ho ho ho, Xmas at my folks! If we were all present, this is what it'd look like: Mum: a nice lady in many ways, but appallingly shut down. She's had to be like that to live with my Dad the last 32 years: a marriage in which they do love each other in their own weird way, certainly need and would be lost without one another. Would get up stupidly early and be in the kitchen most of the day, the turkey being ready by around 4.30pm. A great cook: makes a brilliant Xmas dinner, roast potatoes which are quite perfect, sausages wrapped in bacon which are just yummy. Would eventually lose her rag with someone later in the day: normally the person who least deserves it. Dad: a coiled spring. Had a hideous childhood which he can't talk about, but we certainly all know about. As a result, is always liable to fly off the handle and become horribly angry. Because he's more shut down than anyone I've ever met, is basically unable to have a conversation with anyone, except about politics. Would stay in bed til lunchtime, start a horrendous argument over Xmas dinner, chain smoke throughout and spend the evening watching telly by himself (as he's done almost every night for the last 30 years) while the rest of us play trivial pursuit next door. Gran: Simply crazy. My Mum's mum, and the reason my aunt - her other daughter - wouldn't be there, as their relationship is poisonous. My gran is like a cross between Peggy Mitchell and nana in the Royle Family, and has a horrible ability to get under people's skin. My friend Maris once compared everyone in my family to plants: I was a spider plant, frantically trying to maintain a relationship with everyone; my gran was, um, a cactus. Like everyone in my family, she means well, and isn't a bad person. She's just very complicated and, well, exhausting. Can be relied upon to have a rant about politics at some point, to which my brother would argue back: my gran is quite hilariously ignorant, and thinks that having lived through the blitz while my other gran was at Auschwitz, she somehow had it worse. She thinks Alf Garnett was a serious character, worries about mixed marriages because "it's the children I feel sorry for", and believes there are fewer homeless people on the streets of London nowadays because "they get given everything. Handouts, a flat, everything!" My brother: mental. A Socialist Worker whose method of dealing with his awful childhood has been never to talk about it, but throw himself into far left politics instead. Seems to have swallowed the collective works of Karl Marx one day, which he repeats ad nauseum. A very funny chap, and the apple of my Mum's eye: developed a kind of pretend language to cope with living at home, which only him and me could understand, and we'd frequently converse in, to the bemusement and amusement of everyone else. I've not seen Andrew in four years now. I'd really like to, believe me - but he's basically walked away from the family for reasons I totally understand, and largely agree with. If and when we do see each other again, it's difficult to know what we'd talk about, other than football I guess: he's a devoted Spurs fan. Older of my two younger sisters: a wonderful, gentle person, certainly the person in my family I get on with best, and we probably understand each other best too. Bullied horribly by my brother throughout her childhood; and her life was made almost unbearable by my Dad. Now living by herself, and since she's been able to do that (helped by me: as things became more and more extreme, and after she'd attempted suicide several times, I more or less forcibly removed her from home, and helped her find a flat), has made enormous progress, and really begun to discover who she is. Almost unrecognisable from the person she was five years ago, and Roberta is far and away the smartest of us all too. Younger of my two younger sisters: a very funny and bright girl, but sadly, horrendously shut down and down on herself. Spends almost every waking hour at home in her room. And because she's lived with my parents for so long, has also picked up their sarcasm and ability to get to the rest of us. Unlike Roberta, finds it impossible to talk about her problems, and doesn't think she deserves to be happy at all: Sophie's self-esteem is as low as I've ever known in someone, and it's hard to know how things will turn around for her. They won't until she wants them to, and reaches out for help. Aunt: as I said, she wouldn't be there anyway. A massively positive influence on Roberta's and my life, because she saw how disastrously and dangerously dysfunctional our family was before anyone else, and made a point of telling all of us kids it wasn't our fault. But complicated and very intense herself: Judith is genuinely OCD when it comes to cleanliness. To give you an idea, when I visit her flat, I have to take my shoes off, pick my suitcase up, carry it into the spare room and put it down on a mat; and if you drop a couple of crumbs or don't tuck a chair neatly back under the table, she gets very antsy and starts fidgeting. Loathes spending time at my family home as much as the rest of us - so when there, would play Solitaire online for pretty much the whole weekend. Can go cold sometimes, and is still dealing with her mess of a childhood all these years later; but a positive influence, and I love her to bits. Most families argue at Christmas: nothing unusual in that. But for a family as dysfunctional and extreme as mine is, Xmas was an utter nightmare. We'd all drag each other down, and start playing the roles we were more or less assigned as kids: Roberta screaming and shouting, me the peacemaker, but invariably at my own expense. For the third straight year, I'm not spending it at home (and neither are Roberta or Andrew): it's just too much, and would leave me exhausted for weeks afterwards - and what happened last time I was there in 2006 (and only because Sophie attempted suicide on Xmas Eve: both my sisters tried to kill themselves over a two or three year period) left me swearing to myself: "Never again!" On the bright side, my relationship with my parents is improving, and I do genuinely love them. I just see them on my own terms now: away from the home environment over a meal somewhere. Indeed, the whole thing is improving because we live such separate lives now: it's a bit like when a married couple try and stay together for their kids' benefit, but only make it worse, and things only get better after they've gone their separate ways. And there is plenty of black comedy in my family: the whole thing is like a Chekhov play really, and I argue frequently with Roberta over who's going to write the book. Because she's smarter, she will. :santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambojackbilly Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Ho ho ho, Xmas at my folks! If we were all present, this is what it'd look like: Mum: a nice lady in many ways, but appallingly shut down. She's had to be like that to live with my Dad the last 32 years: a marriage in which they do love each other in their own weird way, certainly need and would be lost without one another. Would get up stupidly early and be in the kitchen most of the day, the turkey being ready by around 4.30pm. A great cook: makes a brilliant Xmas dinner, roast potatoes which are quite perfect, sausages wrapped in bacon which are just yummy. Would eventually lose her rag with someone later in the day: normally the person who least deserves it. Dad: a coiled spring. Had a hideous childhood which he can't talk about, but we certainly all know about. As a result, is always liable to fly off the handle and become horribly angry. Because he's more shut down than anyone I've ever met, is basically unable to have a conversation with anyone, except about politics. Would stay in bed til lunchtime, start a horrendous argument over Xmas dinner, chain smoke throughout and spend the evening watching telly by himself (as he's done almost every night for the last 30 years) while the rest of us play trivial pursuit next door. Gran: Simply crazy. My Mum's mum, and the reason my aunt - her other daughter - wouldn't be there, as their relationship is poisonous. My gran is like a cross between Peggy Mitchell and nana in the Royle Family, and has a horrible ability to get under people's skin. My friend Maris once compared everyone in my family to plants: I was a spider plant, frantically trying to maintain a relationship with everyone; my gran was, um, a cactus. Like everyone in my family, she means well, and isn't a bad person. She's just very complicated and, well, exhausting. Can be relied upon to have a rant about politics at some point, to which my brother would argue back: my gran is quite hilariously ignorant, and thinks that having lived through the blitz while my other gran was at Auschwitz, she somehow had it worse. She thinks Alf Garnett was a serious character, worries about mixed marriages because "it's the children I feel sorry for", and believes there are fewer homeless people on the streets of London nowadays because "they get given everything. Handouts, a flat, everything!" My brother: mental. A Socialist Worker whose method of dealing with his awful childhood has been never to talk about it, but throw himself into far left politics instead. Seems to have swallowed the collective works of Karl Marx one day, which he repeats ad nauseum. A very funny chap, and the apple of my Mum's eye: developed a kind of pretend language to cope with living at home, which only him and me could understand, and we'd frequently converse in, to the bemusement and amusement of everyone else. I've not seen Andrew in four years now. I'd really like to, believe me - but he's basically walked away from the family for reasons I totally understand, and largely agree with. If and when we do see each other again, it's difficult to know what we'd talk about, other than football I guess: he's a devoted Spurs fan. Older of my two younger sisters: a wonderful, gentle person, certainly the person in my family I get on with best, and we probably understand each other best too. Bullied horribly by my brother throughout her childhood; and her life was made almost unbearable by my Dad. Now living by herself, and since she's been able to do that (helped by me: as things became more and more extreme, and after she'd attempted suicide several times, I more or less forcibly removed her from home, and helped her find a flat), has made enormous progress, and really begun to discover who she is. Almost unrecognisable from the person she was five years ago, and Roberta is far and away the smartest of us all too. Younger of my two younger sisters: a very funny and bright girl, but sadly, horrendously shut down and down on herself. Spends almost every waking hour at home in her room. And because she's lived with my parents for so long, has also picked up their sarcasm and ability to get to the rest of us. Unlike Roberta, finds it impossible to talk about her problems, and doesn't think she deserves to be happy at all: Sophie's self-esteem is as low as I've ever known in someone, and it's hard to know how things will turn around for her. They won't until she wants them to, and reaches out for help. Aunt: as I said, she wouldn't be there anyway. A massively positive influence on Roberta's and my life, because she saw how disastrously and dangerously dysfunctional our family was before anyone else, and made a point of telling all of us kids it wasn't our fault. But complicated and very intense herself: Judith is genuinely OCD when it comes to cleanliness. To give you an idea, when I visit her flat, I have to take my shoes off, pick my suitcase up, carry it into the spare room and put it down on a mat; and if you drop a couple of crumbs or don't tuck a chair neatly back under the table, she gets very antsy and starts fidgeting. Loathes spending time at my family home as much as the rest of us - so when there, would play Solitaire online for pretty much the whole weekend. Can go cold sometimes, and is still dealing with her mess of a childhood all these years later; but a positive influence, and I love her to bits. Most families argue at Christmas: nothing unusual in that. But for a family as dysfunctional and extreme as mine is, Xmas was an utter nightmare. We'd all drag each other down, and start playing the roles we were more or less assigned as kids: Roberta screaming and shouting, me the peacemaker, but invariably at my own expense. For the third straight year, I'm not spending it at home (and neither are Roberta or Andrew): it's just too much, and would leave me exhausted for weeks afterwards - and what happened last time I was there in 2006 (and only because Sophie attempted suicide on Xmas Eve: both my sisters tried to kill themselves over a two or three year period) left me swearing to myself: "Never again!" On the bright side, my relationship with my parents is improving, and I do genuinely love them. I just see them on my own terms now: away from the home environment over a meal somewhere. Indeed, the whole thing is improving because we live such separate lives now: it's a bit like when a married couple try and stay together for their kids' benefit, but only make it worse, and things only get better after they've gone their separate ways. And there is plenty of black comedy in my family: the whole thing is like a Chekhov play really, and I argue frequently with Roberta over who's going to write the book. Because she's smarter, she will. :santa1: To much Imfo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 To much Imfo Oh, it doesn't matter. People can make what they want of it really: I'm pretty open about myself on here, and it's hardly a tragedy or anything like it. There is plenty of black humour involved - and there'll be people on here who'll be able to relate to it, I hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott_jambo Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Ho ho ho, Xmas at my folks! If we were all present, this is what it'd look like: Mum: a nice lady in many ways, but appallingly shut down. She's had to be like that to live with my Dad the last 32 years: a marriage in which they do love each other in their own weird way, certainly need and would be lost without one another. Would get up stupidly early and be in the kitchen most of the day, the turkey being ready by around 4.30pm. A great cook: makes a brilliant Xmas dinner, roast potatoes which are quite perfect, sausages wrapped in bacon which are just yummy. Would eventually lose her rag with someone later in the day: normally the person who least deserves it. Dad: a coiled spring. Had a hideous childhood which he can't talk about, but we certainly all know about. As a result, is always liable to fly off the handle and become horribly angry. Because he's more shut down than anyone I've ever met, is basically unable to have a conversation with anyone, except about politics. Would stay in bed til lunchtime, start a horrendous argument over Xmas dinner, chain smoke throughout and spend the evening watching telly by himself (as he's done almost every night for the last 30 years) while the rest of us play trivial pursuit next door. Gran: Simply crazy. My Mum's mum, and the reason my aunt - her other daughter - wouldn't be there, as their relationship is poisonous. My gran is like a cross between Peggy Mitchell and nana in the Royle Family, and has a horrible ability to get under people's skin. My friend Maris once compared everyone in my family to plants: I was a spider plant, frantically trying to maintain a relationship with everyone; my gran was, um, a cactus. Like everyone in my family, she means well, and isn't a bad person. She's just very complicated and, well, exhausting. Can be relied upon to have a rant about politics at some point, to which my brother would argue back: my gran is quite hilariously ignorant, and thinks that having lived through the blitz while my other gran was at Auschwitz, she somehow had it worse. She thinks Alf Garnett was a serious character, worries about mixed marriages because "it's the children I feel sorry for", and believes there are fewer homeless people on the streets of London nowadays because "they get given everything. Handouts, a flat, everything!" My brother: mental. A Socialist Worker whose method of dealing with his awful childhood has been never to talk about it, but throw himself into far left politics instead. Seems to have swallowed the collective works of Karl Marx one day, which he repeats ad nauseum. A very funny chap, and the apple of my Mum's eye: developed a kind of pretend language to cope with living at home, which only him and me could understand, and we'd frequently converse in, to the bemusement and amusement of everyone else. I've not seen Andrew in four years now. I'd really like to, believe me - but he's basically walked away from the family for reasons I totally understand, and largely agree with. If and when we do see each other again, it's difficult to know what we'd talk about, other than football I guess: he's a devoted Spurs fan. Older of my two younger sisters: a wonderful, gentle person, certainly the person in my family I get on with best, and we probably understand each other best too. Bullied horribly by my brother throughout her childhood; and her life was made almost unbearable by my Dad. Now living by herself, and since she's been able to do that (helped by me: as things became more and more extreme, and after she'd attempted suicide several times, I more or less forcibly removed her from home, and helped her find a flat), has made enormous progress, and really begun to discover who she is. Almost unrecognisable from the person she was five years ago, and Roberta is far and away the smartest of us all too. Younger of my two younger sisters: a very funny and bright girl, but sadly, horrendously shut down and down on herself. Spends almost every waking hour at home in her room. And because she's lived with my parents for so long, has also picked up their sarcasm and ability to get to the rest of us. Unlike Roberta, finds it impossible to talk about her problems, and doesn't think she deserves to be happy at all: Sophie's self-esteem is as low as I've ever known in someone, and it's hard to know how things will turn around for her. They won't until she wants them to, and reaches out for help. Aunt: as I said, she wouldn't be there anyway. A massively positive influence on Roberta's and my life, because she saw how disastrously and dangerously dysfunctional our family was before anyone else, and made a point of telling all of us kids it wasn't our fault. But complicated and very intense herself: Judith is genuinely OCD when it comes to cleanliness. To give you an idea, when I visit her flat, I have to take my shoes off, pick my suitcase up, carry it into the spare room and put it down on a mat; and if you drop a couple of crumbs or don't tuck a chair neatly back under the table, she gets very antsy and starts fidgeting. Loathes spending time at my family home as much as the rest of us - so when there, would play Solitaire online for pretty much the whole weekend. Can go cold sometimes, and is still dealing with her mess of a childhood all these years later; but a positive influence, and I love her to bits. Most families argue at Christmas: nothing unusual in that. But for a family as dysfunctional and extreme as mine is, Xmas was an utter nightmare. We'd all drag each other down, and start playing the roles we were more or less assigned as kids: Roberta screaming and shouting, me the peacemaker, but invariably at my own expense. For the third straight year, I'm not spending it at home (and neither are Roberta or Andrew): it's just too much, and would leave me exhausted for weeks afterwards - and what happened last time I was there in 2006 (and only because Sophie attempted suicide on Xmas Eve: both my sisters tried to kill themselves over a two or three year period) left me swearing to myself: "Never again!" On the bright side, my relationship with my parents is improving, and I do genuinely love them. I just see them on my own terms now: away from the home environment over a meal somewhere. Indeed, the whole thing is improving because we live such separate lives now: it's a bit like when a married couple try and stay together for their kids' benefit, but only make it worse, and things only get better after they've gone their separate ways. And there is plenty of black comedy in my family: the whole thing is like a Chekhov play really, and I argue frequently with Roberta over who's going to write the book. Because she's smarter, she will. :santa1: Hey Shaun, you might get some stick for being too personal on a forum like this but i think it shows that you have came to terms and accepted the difficulties you have had when you were younger, hats off! I sincerely hope it all works out for your family, especially your two sisters. Have a good xmas wherever you'l be spending it. P.S. Marx and Engels arent so bad y'know, but maybe your post about your family shows the frailty of human nature will always prevail over idealogues. (I await Boris's intervention here!) 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shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Hey Shaun, you might get some stick for being too personal on a forum like this but i think it shows that you have came to terms and accepted the difficulties you have had when you were younger, hats off! I sincerely hope it all works out for your family, especially your two sisters. Have a good xmas wherever you'l be spending it. P.S. Marx and Engels arent so bad y'know, but maybe your post about your family shows the frailty of human nature will always prevail over idealogues. (I await Boris's intervention here!) Thanks Scott - and that's a brilliant conclusion! People can make what they want of this - but rightly or wrongly, I genuinely regard JKB as a social environment. Just because it's an online one doesn't change that. We all have complicated lives in many ways: life's never simple or perfect for anyone, and I think it's sad people are often afraid to talk about their lives or their problems. Being open was probably my strategy for dealing with it - so if others complain about what I've written, they'll just have to lump it. Have a great Xmas yourself - I enjoy debating with you on here, as you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davemclaren Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks Scott - and that's a brilliant conclusion! People can make what they want of this - but rightly or wrongly, I genuinely regard JKB as a social environment. Just because it's an online one doesn't change that. We all have complicated lives in many ways: life's never simple or perfect for anyone, and I think it's sad people are often afraid to talk about their lives or their problems. Being open was probably my strategy for dealing with it - so if others complain about what I've written, they'll just have to lump it. Have a great Xmas yourself - I enjoy debating with you on here, as you know. Shaun, remind me not to accept an invite to yours for Xmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Shaun, remind me not to accept an invite to yours for Xmas. When I was a kid, friends of mine used to ask why I never invited them back. They also used to ask why, whenever I spoke to them on the phone, there was always an argument going on in the background. Four years ago, my best friend insisted she accompany me during yet another extreme family crisis. She only spent the day with us, but I swear was scarred for life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davemclaren Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 When I was a kid, friends of mine used to ask why I never invited them back. They also used to ask why, whenever I spoke to them on the phone, there was always an argument going on in the background. Four years ago, my best friend insisted she accompany me during yet another extreme family crisis. She only spent the day with us, but I swear was scarred for life! It's really amazing that you turned out to be such a normal guy. :santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 It's really amazing that you turned out to be such a normal guy. :santa1: In the kingdom of the blind, Dave, the one-eyed man is King. :santa1: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groot Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks Scott - and that's a brilliant conclusion! People can make what they want of this - but rightly or wrongly, I genuinely regard JKB as a social environment. Just because it's an online one doesn't change that. We all have complicated lives in many ways: life's never simple or perfect for anyone, and I think it's sad people are often afraid to talk about their lives or their problems. Being open was probably my strategy for dealing with it - so if others complain about what I've written, they'll just have to lump it. Have a great Xmas yourself - I enjoy debating with you on here, as you know. Shaun, if you are comfortable sharing that with people fair play to you and as you say sod anybody who has a problem with it No family is perfect, my parents split up when I was relatively young which I think worked out best for all involved But thinking about it if they had stayed together I probably wouldn't be the same wel rounded person you see in front of you today Anyway hope you enjoy whatever you do and best wishes to your sisters, from what you say I can see similarities with them and someone close to me so can appreciate what it can be like being there for them sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambojackbilly Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thread was done as a wee bit of fun :santa1: Looks like a cry for help now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davemclaren Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thread was done as a wee bit of fun :santa1: Looks like a cry for help now I'd post mine but the outlaws are coming and my Hobo lurker brother-in-law would grass on me. I know you are reading this Peter.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thread was done as a wee bit of fun :santa1: Looks like a cry for help now Oh, shush! Your OP was funny, and I hope others emulate it. There must be plenty of craziness in your average Kickbacker's Christmas: craziness in a good way, I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Sorry, maybe hate was too strong a word - but there's certainly a sense of people "putting up" with relatives they really don't like all that much. Why? Isin't that what Christmas is really all about. Most of us are thankful that it is only once a year. Then silently pray there are no family funerals or weddings in the coming year so as to avoid all? John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondejamtart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Isin't that what Christmas is really all about. Most of us are thankful that it is only once a year. Then silently pray there are no family funerals or weddings in the coming year so as to avoid all? John Maybe you're right - I just don't come from that kind of family, to be honest. The only time I see anyone outside my immediate family (husband, kids, inlaws) is at weddings or funerals - usually the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arse 'Friends' Dyslexic? Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 It's always interesting to see how those, who you naturally look down upon, view their fellow unfortunates. It's actually reassuring, in some ways, to see that their views match your own... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I always thought all families were dysfunctional. From the supposedly highest in the land to the supposedly lowest in the land. As the saying/cliche goes. You cant choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I always thought all families were dysfunctional. From the supposedly highest in the land to the supposedly lowest in the land. As the saying/cliche goes. You cant choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. John I certainly think most are, John. The crucial thing in many families is there's also a great deal of warmth, though, which leaves people able to laugh about what might happen at this time of year. That's why I thought the Royle Family was such a brilliant comedy: it was observant, accurate and hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groot Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I always thought all families were dysfunctional. From the supposedly highest in the land to the supposedly lowest in the land. As the saying/cliche goes. You cant choose your relatives but you can choose your friends. John sums it up for me John someone tells me that they have a perfectly functional family, my first impression would be they are the next Manson family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hungry hippo Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Excellent post Shaun. I've got to admit that on some threads when you're debating I tend to skim read your posts but I was strangely gripped by every word this time. Having seen the picture you posted of your dad and brother it made it feel even more real. I wish you and your family all the best for the future. PS Even though you manage to 'summarise' what other would say in one sentence in three pages you are normally making a decent point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondejamtart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 sums it up for me John someone tells me that they have a perfectly functional family, my first impression would be they are the next Manson family Very true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Excellent post Shaun. I've got to admit that on some threads when you're debating I tend to skim read your posts but I was strangely gripped by every word this time. Having seen the picture you posted of your dad and brother it made it feel even more real. I wish you and your family all the best for the future. PS Even though you manage to 'summarise' what other would say in one sentence in three pages you are normally making a decent point. Thanks, HH. At some point, I'll figure this 'brief and to the point' malarkey out, and will be a changed man. That I haven't so far is greatly because of my background: my family was so weird and so hard to understand while I was growing up that I became ridiculously analytical and had to think about things in incredible depth. It was the only way to come to terms with all the madness! My sister's as analytical as I am - but has a very different, much more creative mind. Meaning she writes short stories and poems; I just write until I wear out the internet about football. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I certainly think most are, John. The crucial thing in many families is there's also a great deal of warmth, though, which leaves people able to laugh about what might happen at this time of year. That's why I thought the Royle Family was such a brilliant comedy: it was observant, accurate and hilarious. Shaun I would give my life for any of my immediate family but by the same token I have broken one of my sister's nose when I saw her going to put a broken glass bottle in a guy's face for no apparent reason than she didnt like him. The quickest way I could think at the time for her to drop the bottle. She has always held it against me and I dont blame her but, I would do the same again. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun.lawson Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Shaun I would give my life for any of my immediate family but by the same token I have broken one of my sister's nose when I saw her going to put a broken glass bottle in a guy's face for no apparent reason than she didnt like him. The quickest way I could think at the time for her to drop the bottle. She has always held it against me and I dont blame her but, I would do the same again. John I think I would too. Crikey! You were clearly only acting for her own good - and there'd have been a danger of you being bottled had you tried to get between them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Romanov Saviour of HMFC Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Shaun I would give my life for any of my immediate family but by the same token I have broken one of my sister's nose when I saw her going to put a broken glass bottle in a guy's face for no apparent reason than she didnt like him. The quickest way I could think at the time for her to drop the bottle. She has always held it against me and I dont blame her but, I would do the same again. John The only way you could think of getting her to drop it was to break her nose? Are you having a laugh?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 The only way you could think of getting her to drop it was to break her nose? Are you having a laugh?! No laugh. She was in the act of glassing the man in question when I turned round. I didnt have time to think and acted on instinct. No offence you were not there I was. Furthermore you do not know my sister and I do and I have no hesitation in saying she is sadly a very wicked woman. Which unfortunately she got from my late mother. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Romanov Saviour of HMFC Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 No laugh. She was in the act of glassing the man in question when I turned round. I didnt have time to think and acted on instinct. No offence you were not there I was. Furthermore you do not know my sister and I do and I have no hesitation in saying she is sadly a very wicked woman. Which unfortunately she got from my late mother. John Fair enough. You should have just booted her right in the *** though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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