And they call us paranoid (merged threads)

[Le Chat]

Had this sent to me this morning from a Timothy acquaintance.

 

Staggeringly paranoid but reasonably amusing in bits.

 

 

From: Sports editor [MGN]

Sent: 24 November 2008 13:11

To: Sportsdesk, Clark, Matthew, Keevins, Hugh,

Parks, Gordon, Swan, Craig, Traynor, James

CC: Murray, Sir David; Bain; Martin

Subject: Transfer Window

 

 

All,

 

I am sure that you do not need to be reminded that the Transfer Window is creeping ever closer. As such it is of vital importance that each and every one of you is fully aware of your responsibilities at this very important time.

Consequently I would like to take this opportunity to draw your immediate attention to the ?Daily Record ? Transfer Window Style Guide?.

This is a document you should all be very familiar with. However, due to recent revisions it is crucial that you re-familiarise yourself with the guide as a matter of urgency.

As you know the style guide sets out clear and definite instructions on the coverage of all stories regarding the Transfer Window and related issues. Under no circumstances should these be strayed from.

Any queries or questions regarding the content of the guide should not be addressed directly to Sir David or Mr Bain but rather raised in the first instance with myself. After that all further communication will be conducted via your union/legal representative.

 

 

Transfer Window ? Style Guide

 

(1) Rangers FC do not ?buy? or ?sign? players. They ?swoop? for players. The extraordinary nature of these swoops must be emphasised at all times by preceding the word ?swoop? with at least one of the following choices - ?sensational? ?stunning? ?exciting? ?audacious? or ?ambitious?.

 

(2) Celtic FC do not ?buy? or ?sign? players. They ?finally complete? deals. The hugely dull nature of this event should be emphasised at all times by using at least one of the following terms - ?protracted? ?long-running? and ?drawn out affair?.

 

(3) Any overseas transfer target of Rangers FC is, without fail, also being pursued ??by a host of Europe?s top clubs?.

 

(4) Rangers FC must then be referred to as ?battling it out for the signature?? of this ?hot property? and ?wanted man?.

 

(5) The exact identity of these elite club?s will be selected on a random basis but must contain at least one of the current top 4 sides in Italy, Germany and Spain. One of these may be substituted by Lyon but no other French club.

 

(6) If the said player signs for Rangers FC then the club have ?pulled off a sensational coup?. To avoid unnecessary confusion under no circumstances should the player be asked why he turned down these previously reported top clubs. Instead the player will ?modestly refuse to comment on the speculation?.

 

 

(7) Any overseas player purchased by Rangers FC under the age of 21 years is a ?wonder kid?.

 

(8) Any overseas player purchased by Celtic FC under the age of 21 years is an ?unknown youngster?.

 

(9) In recognition of the club?s international stature it is appropriate that the transfer fees received and paid by Rangers FC should initially be quoted in Euros. After this initial use the term of currency quoted should be dropped and thereafter, whenever possible, the figure referred to only by approximate amount.

 

(10) Should Rangers FC purchase a Scottish player from a domestic rival then this story must be accompanied by a double page spread praising the club?s willingness to invest in home-grown talent and how this is of the benefit to the national side and indeed the country as a whole.*

 

(11) Should Celtic FC purchase a Scottish player from a domestic rival then this story must be accompanied by a double page spread condemning the club?s willingness to rape rivals of home-grown talent and how this is to the detriment of the national side and indeed the country as a whole.*

 

*Billy Brown and Jim Jeffries are again willing to contribute. However, please note due to current financial constraints within the company the expenses department has placed a limit of four fish suppers per contributor

 

(12) Any player linked with Rangers FC who has not made a strongly worded denial of the said move should be referred to issuing ??a come and get me plea.?

 

 

(13) Clubs unwilling to lower their asking price to meet the perfectly acceptable bid placed by Rangers FC must be strongly condemned. All stories of this nature must include the words/terms ?staggering asking price? ?inflated fee? ?outrageous demands? and ?holding to ransom?. The player involved in this deal must be referred to as ?the want away star? and it is imperative that any story fully informs the reader how the immoral stance of the selling club could ?jeopardise a dream move to Ibrox? for a player ?whose heart is set on a switch to Glasgow?.

 

(14) Clubs unwilling to up their bid to meet the perfectly reasonable fee placed on a player by Rangers FC must be strongly condemned. All stories of this nature must include the words/terms ?insulting? ?laughably derisory bid? ?on the cheap? ?deliberate attempt to unsettle? and ?outrageously low offer?.

 

(15) The signing of an overseas player by Rangers FC must be accompanied by a two page spread stating how they will become as good as their nation?s most famous footballer. For example: Rangers? Romanian new boy was last night tipped to be the man who could finally fill the boots of Gheorghe Hagi. Mark Hately is willing to contribute to this article.

 

(16) The signing of an overseas player by Celtic FC must be accompanied by a two page spread questioning whether they are good enough for the SPL. Gordon Smith is willing to contribute to this article.

 

(17) If Rangers FC sign a player who has ? at any point of their career - been watched by any member of the Celtic Park staff (including Superstore employees, programme sellers and outsourced catering workers) then they will have ??sensationally snatched? the said player ?..from under the nose of the Parkhead club?.

 

(18) If Celtic FC sign a player who we previously linked with Rangers FC then it will be because ?After initial tentative interest Rangers decided to pull out of the chase? thus ??leaving the road clear for Celtic?. The player in question ?..represented poor value for money..? and was ??no better than the players already available to the Rangers boss.?

 

(19) The fact that Sir David Murray owns a private jet and a vineyard in the south of France are integral elements of any Rangers transfer story and failure to recognise this will see copy spiked.

 

(20) Finally, as in previous years our colleague at the Sunday Mail will again be organising ?Operation Moonbeams? which is as usual planned for the first weekend in February. Our duty is to ensure quality follow-up coverage. While details of the current operation are being finalised you are advised to familiarise yourself with Glasgow City Council?s Draft Regeneration Project for Govan and NASA?s proposed manned mission to Mars.

 

 

FTH

[Thig Ar Latha]

If you substitute the word 'Celtic' for Hearts, Hibs, Aberdeen, Dundee Utd etc, its pretty accurate.

[speedbump]

Paranoid wrecks.

[K1874M]

Pretty funny.

[I P Knightley]

Had this sent to me this morning from a Timothy acquaintance.

 

Staggeringly paranoid but reasonably amusing in bits.

 

 

 

FTH

 

If I say I found it funny, does it make me a Hun, a Hobo, A Tim or not a real Hearts fan?

 

I just want to confirm before I commit an opinion.

[jamboinglasgow]

is too true for those stories but celtic get it as much as rangers.

 

Loved number 15 as he is pretty much describing the article about Copil when he was close to signing for Celitc, the two page spread, than when he signed for us it was a wee note at the bottom right hand of page.

[Le Chat]

If I say I found it funny, does it make me a Hun, a Hobo, A Tim or not a real Hearts fan?

 

I just want to confirm before I commit an opinion.

 

All of the above

[Guest JamboRobbo]

I'm sure if you changed the word Celtic for Hearts and Rangers for OF, many on here would agree with it.

 

Not that they're paranoid of course.

[i8hibsh]

I got emaled this by my boss (Cel*ic fan) and I thought it was a joke email

 

Are we sure it is real?

[Guest Dipped Flake]

I got emaled this by my boss (Cel*ic fan) and I thought it was a joke email

 

Are we sure it is real?

 

Well it was a joke email when it was on hibsnet last week so I presume it is still a joke now

[jambojim52]

It was also on here a week or so ago.

 

http://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/showthread.php?t=36339

[Imeantasong]

Subject: Leaked Email from the Daily Weeg....

 

This message was sent with High importance

 

From: Sportseditor

Sent: 24 November 2008 13:11

To: Sportsdesk, Clark, Matthew, Keevins, Hugh,

Parks, Gordon, Swan, Craig, Traynor, James

CC: Murray, Sir David; Bain; Martin

Subject: Transfer Window

 

 

All,

 

I am sure that you do not need to be reminded that the Transfer Window

is creeping ever closer. As such it is of vital importance that each and

every one of you is fully aware of your responsibilities at this very

important time.

Consequently I would like to take this opportunity to draw your

immediate attention to the 'Daily Weeg - Transfer Window Style Guide'.

This is a document you should all be very familiar with. However, due to

recent revisions it is crucial that you re-familiarise yourself with the

guide as a matter of urgency.

As you know the style guide sets out clear and definite instructions on

the coverage of all stories regarding the Transfer Window and related

issues. Under no circumstances should these be strayed from.

Any queries or questions regarding the content of the guide should not

be addressed directly to Sir David or Mr Bain but rather raised in the

first instance with myself. After that all further communication will be

conducted via your union/legal representative.

 

 

Transfer Window - Style Guide

 

(1) Rangers FC do not 'buy' or 'sign' players. They 'swoop' for players.

The extraordinary nature of these swoops must be emphasised at all times

by preceding the word 'swoop' with at least one of the following choices

- 'sensational' 'stunning' 'exciting' 'audacious' or 'ambitious'.

 

(2) Celtic FC do not 'buy' or 'sign' players. They 'finally complete'

deals. The hugely dull nature of this event should be emphasised at all

times by using at least one of the following terms - 'protracted'

'long-running' and 'drawn out affair'.

 

(3) Any overseas transfer target of Rangers FC is, without fail, also

being pursued ".by a host of Europe's top clubs".

 

(4) Rangers FC must then be referred to as "battling it out for the

signature." of this 'hot property' and 'wanted man'.

 

(5) The exact identity of these elite club's will be selected on a

random basis but must contain at least one of the current top 4 sides in

Italy, Germany and Spain. One of these may be substituted by Lyon but no

other French club.

 

(6) If the said player signs for Rangers FC then the club have "pulled

off a sensational coup". To avoid unnecessary confusion under no

circumstances should the player be asked why he turned down these

previously reported top clubs. Instead the player will "modestly refuse

to comment on the speculation".

 

 

(7) Any overseas player purchased by Rangers FC under the age of 21

years is a 'wonder kid'.

 

(8) Any overseas player purchased by Celtic FC under the age of 21 years

is an 'unknown youngster'.

 

(9) In recognition of the club's international stature it is appropriate

that the transfer fees received and paid by Rangers FC should initially

be quoted in Euros. After this initial use the term of currency quoted

should be dropped and thereafter, whenever possible, the figure referred

to only by approximate amount.

 

(10) Should Rangers FC purchase a Scottish player from a domestic rival

then this story must be accompanied by a double page spread praising the

club's willingness to invest in home-grown talent and how this is of the

benefit to the national side and indeed the country as a whole.*

 

(11) Should Celtic FC purchase a Scottish player from a domestic rival

then this story must be accompanied by a double page spread condemning

the club's willingness to rape rivals of home-grown talent and how this

is to the detriment of the national side and indeed the country as a

whole.*

 

*Billy Brown and Jim Jeffries are again willing to contribute. However,

please note due to current financial constraints within the company the

expenses department has placed a limit of four fish suppers per

contributor

 

(12) Any player linked with Rangers FC who has not made a strongly

worded denial of the said move should be referred to issuing ".a come

and get me plea."

 

 

(13) Clubs unwilling to lower their asking price to meet the perfectly

acceptable bid placed by Rangers FC must be strongly condemned. All

stories of this nature must include the words/terms "staggering asking

price" "inflated fee" "outrageous demands" and "holding to ransom". The

player involved in this deal must be referred to as "the want away star'

and it is imperative that any story fully informs the reader how the

immoral stance of the selling club could "jeopardise a dream move to

Ibrox" for a player "whose heart is set on a switch to Glasgow".

 

(14) Clubs unwilling to up their bid to meet the perfectly reasonable

fee placed on a player by Rangers FC must be strongly condemned. All

stories of this nature must include the words/terms "insulting"

"laughably derisory bid" "on the cheap" "deliberate attempt to unsettle"

and "outrageously low offer".

 

(15) The signing of an overseas player by Rangers FC must be accompanied

by a two page spread stating how they will become as good as their

nation's most famous footballer. For example: Rangers' Romanian new boy

was last night tipped to be the man who could finally fill the boots of

Gheorghe Hagi. Mark Hately is willing to contribute to this article.

 

(16) The signing of an overseas player by Celtic FC must be accompanied

by a two page spread questioning whether they are good enough for the

SPL. Gordon Smith is willing to contribute to this article.

 

(17) If Rangers FC sign a player who has - at any point of their career

- been watched by any member of the Celtic Park staff (including

Superstore employees, programme sellers and outsourced catering workers)

then they will have ".sensationally snatched" the said player "..from

under the nose of the Parkhead club".

 

(18) If Celtic FC sign a player who we previously linked with Rangers FC

then it will be because "After initial tentative interest Rangers

decided to pull out of the chase" thus ".leaving the road clear for

Celtic". The player in question "..represented poor value for money.."

and was ".no better than the players already available to the Rangers

boss."

 

(19) The fact that Sir David Murray owns a private jet and a vineyard in

the south of France are integral elements of any Rangers transfer story

and failure to recognise this will see copy spiked.

 

(20) Finally, as in previous years our colleague at the Sunday Mail will

again be organising 'Operation Moonbeams' which is as usual planned for

the first weekend in February. Our duty is to ensure quality follow-up

coverage. While details of the current operation are being finalised you

are advised to familiarise yourself with Glasgow City Council's Draft

Regeneration Project for Govan and NASA's proposed manned mission to

Mars.

[Victorian]

groundhog day, it's groundhog day.

[shoes_off]

****ing Brilliant lol

[MackaysCentreSpot]

Had this sent to me this morning from a Timothy acquaintance.

 

Staggeringly paranoid but reasonably amusing in bits.

 

 

 

FTH

 

Thought I had seen this before.

 

Oh yes here it is. 30-11-08, 05:46 PM

 

http://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/showthread.php?t=36339

[Le Chat]

Thought I had seen this before.

 

Oh yes here it is. 30-11-08, 05:46 PM

 

http://www.hmfckickback.co.uk/showthread.php?t=36339

 

Unfortunately I don't have the time to read every single thread on here.

[MackaysCentreSpot]

Unfortunately I don't have the time to read every single thread on here.

 

 

With 10,700 posts I find that hard to believe.