Jokes

[milky_26]

1. What do you call a ned in a box?

- Innit

 

2. What do you call a ned in a filing cabinet?

- Sorted

 

3. What do you call a ned in a box with a lock on it?

- Safe

 

4. What do you call an Eskimo ned?

- Innuinnit

 

5. Why are neds like slinkies?

- They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

 

6. What do you call a nedette in a white tracksuit?

- The bride

 

7. You're in your car and you see a ned on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

- It might be your bike

 

8. What's the difference between a ned and a coconut?

- One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut

 

9. What's the first question at a ned quiz night?

- "What you lookin' at?"

 

10. How do you get 100 neds into a phone box?

- Paint three stripes on it

 

11. Two neds in a car without any music. Who's driving?

- The police

 

12. What do you call a ned with 8 standard grades?

- A liar

 

13. What do you say to a ned with a job?

- Can I have fries with that?

 

14. What do call a ned in a suit?

- The defendant

 

15. Why is 3 neds going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

- A Nova seats 4

 

16. What do you call a 30 year old nedette?

- Granny

 

17. What do you call 100 neds at the bottom of a river?

- A start

 

18. What do you call a ned at college?

- The cleaner

 

19. Two neds jump off beachy head, who wins?

- Society

[gorgie twins]

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

 

 

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

 

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) 2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

 

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

 

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

 

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

 

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

 

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

 

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

 

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

 

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

 

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

 

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

 

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

 

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

 

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

 

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

 

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

 

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

 

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

 

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

[PeterCapital]

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

 

 

 

Apparently the best joke of all time.

[PsychocAndy]

Why do women wear make up and perfume

because there ugly and smell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry but it makes me laugh