CAUGHT SHORT

[Miller Jambo 60]

Yes a very nasty experience i had about 1984.

Just had my lunch and was doing a job on the 6th floor of Rank Hovis flour mill.

Well a sudden pain hits my stomach , and the fear comes over you that you better get to a toilet very quickly.

Well im sliding down the bannisters of 6 flights when i know i will not make it.

Get to the basement, out the door , 2 metres from the toilet block and whoosh its gone.

Limp in to no 1 toilet take down boiler suit and work out what do do.

Notice plenty toilet paper, well thats a blessing.

Luckily i have a stanley knife in my pocket, take it out and cut off soiled drawers and throw in to bucket.

Scurry out , dive in a shower and throw boiler suit in to laundrey.

Nightmare.

Any other stories

 

Doug.

[P-Dizzle]

Not exactly caught short. But one time when I was wasted I used the toilet brush to wipe my arse at my mates house, because there was no toilet paper.

 

I think I posted that here before.

[AlexJambo88]

:santa1:

[Moriarty]

Not exactly caught short. But one time when I was wasted I used the toilet brush to wipe my arse at my mates house, because there was no toilet paper.

 

I think I posted that here before.

 

You have, and yet I still laughed.

 

I have never properly filled my keks (had a few close ones). That particular pleasure no doubt lies in wait for me.

[DG_HMFC]

Not exactly caught short. But one time when I was wasted I used the toilet brush to wipe my arse at my mates house, because there was no toilet paper.

 

I think I posted that here before.

 

OUCH!!!

[P-Dizzle]

OUCH!!!

 

Wasn't sore. Well, physically. The look on my mate's mum's face the next day. To my understanding the brush had a fair few meat nuggets on it.

[Tiberius Stinkfinger]

Off to bed with you now Doug, its getting late :santa1:

 

[Craigieboy]

I've always wanted to **** myself as an adult.

 

Never have yet.

 

.

[shaun.lawson]

Not exactly caught short. But one time when I was wasted I used the toilet brush to wipe my arse at my mates house, because there was no toilet paper.

 

I think I posted that here before.

 

Yes, I think you have.

 

I've always wanted to **** myself as an adult.

 

Never have yet.

 

.

 

I don't know whether to or

[I P Knightley]

Yes a very nasty experience i had about 1984.

Just had my lunch and was doing a job on the 6th floor of Rank Hovis flour mill.

Well a sudden pain hits my stomach , and the fear comes over you that you better get to a toilet very quickly.

Well im sliding down the bannisters of 6 flights when i know i will not make it.

Get to the basement, out the door , 2 metres from the toilet block and whoosh its gone.

Limp in to no 1 toilet take down boiler suit and work out what do do.

Notice plenty toilet paper, well thats a blessing.

Luckily i have a stanley knife in my pocket, take it out and cut off soiled drawers and throw in to bucket.

Scurry out , dive in a shower and throw boiler suit in to laundrey.

Nightmare.

Any other stories

 

Doug.

 

Oh, Doug!

 

Just when you were doing so well in the Annual Awards nominations, you come out with this at tea time... As a faux pas, it's up there with Tiger Woods boosting his chances for 'Golfer of the Year' by taking a 5-iron to his puss off his wife.

[Jamdub]

I prefer, 'touching cloth'.

[deesidejambo]

Walking home from the Golf Tavern to Montpelier Park. Laid a major turd on the bowling green on the links. I went back the next day to check it was still there. I don't know why I did that cos my turds are not known for moving after being born.

[Victorian]

there was a woman at an old work of mine that keeked herself. the word was that she simply approached her boss and asked to leave early because she had keeked herself.

 

i'm not sure if this request was submitted in the immediate aftermath of the keeking or if an element of 'keek management' was undertaken first. i do know that i would prefer to never find out.

[jamboinglasgow]

it has happened to me once, while out running. Not pleasent. And advise anyone who is going out running to visit the bathroom before they hit the streets.

[Eldar Hadzimehmedovic]

Brilliant thread.:santa1:

 

"I crapped myself 25 years ago, have you got any stories?"

 

Belter.

 

Those "most improved poster" nominations were bang on the money.

[AlanB]

it has happened to me once, while out running. Not pleasent. And advise anyone who is going out running to visit the bathroom before they hit the streets.

 

Is your name Paula Radcliffe?

[jamboinglasgow]

Is your name Paula Radcliffe?

 

lol no, glad I didnt have tv cameras around.

[Eldar Hadzimehmedovic]

Is your name Paula Radcliffe?

 

That is rancid.

[Cal_]

Wet myself once when I was representing my country, playing badminton for Pakistan. Was an absolute gutter, never played again!

[John Findlay]

Whilst onboard Hms Intrepid in 1982 during the Falklands conflict I managed to Grandslam myself in that I **** and ****ed myself and through up due to seasickness(it was a force 12 at the time) all at the sametime. The worst of it was that due to lack of fresh fruit at the time. Most of the fruit coming from a tin I wa suffering from Diarrohea as well.

 

To say my white bedding sheets were not a pretty sight is putting it mildly.

 

 

 

 

John

[Only a Game]

Caught short half gassed on my way home one night. Found a nice quiet spot and dropped the keks and squatted. A trouble free fresh air poo, albeit of fairly liquid and apr? guinness smelly consistency I thought.

 

Got up in the morning and bugger me if I couldnt find my wallet. After hopefully but knowingly scouring the house for it I revisited the scene of the jobby and found said wallet, which rather inconveniently had dropped out during the kek dropping procedeure directly into the path of what, it now transpired, was a liquid jobby of Olympic qualifying standards. It had all the traditional hallmarks including the fatty/jelly type patches, the undigested bits and bobs, the light crust concealing the soft centre and of course, the rancid smell.

 

I thought for a moment of what was in that wallet that I really needed. Ran accross the shop and bought 4 litres of their cheapest mineral water on temporary credit. Washed as much of the poo away as possible, returned to shop and paid for said water with switch card recovered from the said wallet.

[Cow]

Never soiled myself but woke up in my parents drive about 6am one morning after a bender lying next to a sh*te that i laid a couple of hours earlier.

[wibble]

Waverley Steps - always avoided them because they stank like a public toilet. Never knew their worth until I was caught extremely short with an express train pulling into the station after a day long session on Drew Nicol's finest real ales.

 

Needless to say the Waverley Steps had never smelled so bad in history.

 

A quick stroll down to the Cafe Royal for a wipe and another pint.

[I P Knightley]

lol no, glad I didnt have tv cameras around.

 

Just some smartarse with a Canon:

 

[Miller Jambo 60]

Had another disaster about 1977 due to being ill, which is a good excuse.

If i needed one.

Was in the western after the removal of my perforated appendix.

Wired up to a drip, post op, and a drain in the infected area.

Well tried a wee pump and my whole bowel collapsed.

Shouted for the lovely nurse that i had had an accident.

well she got me out the bed , changed the sheets , and washed me down.

What a nightmare.

17 i was.

[Cow]

Had another disaster about 1977 due to being ill, which is a good excuse.

If i needed one.

Was in the western after the removal of my perforated appendix.

Wired up to a drip, post op, and a drain in the infected area.

Well tried a wee pump and my whole bowel collapsed.

Shouted for the lovely nurse that i had had an accident.

well she got me out the bed , changed the sheets , and washed me down.

What a nightmare.

17 i was.

 

:santa1: got any more follow through gems (or should i say nuggets) up your sleeve doug.

[Cow]

Just some smartarse with a Canon:

 

 

Is your name Paula Radcliffe?

 

Pic 1 - Vile , that's what you call fizzy gravy.

 

Pic 2 - There's something i quite like about watching a fit bird pish herself.:santa1:

[Goose Baxter]

**** it here goes.....

 

I had been out on the bevy one fine Sunday evening, went back to the birds, passed out as you do and then went to sleep.

 

Woke up the next morning, bird was geting ready i was mega hungover siting on the end off the bed rubbing my eyes. Next thing i felt a wee fart coming along. So i've got nothing on at this point, i do the old lean to one side and lift the leg up. I procede to fart except i follow through with a nice wattery sh*te. I was like no way this has just happened to me.

 

So the bird is moaning at me to get a move on as she is going to be late for work. I'm what do i do what do i do. So i say to her just to go down stairs and i will be down in a minute. So i stand up and here is this wattery sh*te on her bed ( white sheets by the way ) (it also looked like when kids paint on paper and fold it in half and then open it again ) i didnt have a clue. So i went to the toilet wiped my arse and then went down stairs acting all normal. Went home and phoned the mrs and explained to her that i had a wee accident and that her mum would need to clean up all the mess as i had just left it there!!

 

Ah what a morning :santa1:

[Cow]

**** it here goes.....

 

I had been out on the bevy one fine Sunday evening, went back to the birds, passed out as you do and then went to sleep.

 

Woke up the next morning, bird was geting ready i was mega hungover siting on the end off the bed rubbing my eyes. Next thing i felt a wee fart coming along. So i've got nothing on at this point, i do the old lean to one side and lift the leg up. I procede to fart except i follow through with a nice wattery sh*te. I was like no way this has just happened to me.

 

So the bird is moaning at me to get a move on as she is going to be late for work. I'm what do i do what do i do. So i say to her just to go down stairs and i will be down in a minute. So i stand up and here is this wattery sh*te on her bed ( white sheets by the way ) (it also looked like when kids paint on paper and fold it in half and then open it again ) i didnt have a clue. So i went to the toilet wiped my arse and then went down stairs acting all normal. Went home and phoned the mrs and explained to her that i had a wee accident and that her mum would need to clean up all the mess as i had just left it there!!

 

Ah what a morning :santa1:

 

Thats one way to impress the in-laws. :santa1: Are you still with the bird?

[Goose Baxter]

Thats one way to impress the in-laws. :santa1: Are you still with the bird?

 

I am indeed my good friend, 8 years later as well. her mum cleaned up the mess and proceded to go down to the shops and get they bed sheet things that old people have. They all had agreat laugh at me.

[269miles]

Pic 1 - Vile , that's what you call fizzy gravy.

 

Pic 2 - There's something i quite like about watching a fit bird pish herself.:santa1:

 

Reminds me of a very old friend in Edinburgh who used to live in the Newington area and was a keen marathon runner just as the craze started on the early 80s. He was aware that marathon running posed certain risks in the toilet dept so always went to war with a large amout of bog roll stuffed in his pocket - just in case.

 

Any way , early one Sunday morning he was caught out so crept into a front garden and crouched behind a hedge to do the deed - just as the owner threw back the curtains. Said he'd never been so embarrassed.

[japanjambo]

Yes a very nasty experience i had about 1984.

Just had my lunch and was doing a job on the 6th floor of Rank Hovis flour mill.

Well a sudden pain hits my stomach , and the fear comes over you that you better get to a toilet very quickly.

Well im sliding down the bannisters of 6 flights when i know i will not make it.

Get to the basement, out the door , 2 metres from the toilet block and whoosh its gone.

Limp in to no 1 toilet take down boiler suit and work out what do do.

Notice plenty toilet paper, well thats a blessing.

Luckily i have a stanley knife in my pocket, take it out and cut off soiled drawers and throw in to bucket.

Scurry out , dive in a shower and throw boiler suit in to laundrey.

Nightmare.

Any other stories

 

Doug.

 

 

Doug, ye crack me up! Mwa ha!

 

I once didn't make the loo in time. Had a shocking bout of sickness and he runs. My loo is only a few feet away from my tatami room(where I sleep). But till didn't make it. One of those 48 hour bugs. Was awful!

 

A schoolfriend of mine made a right mess of herself one friday night at the local community centre. We were 13 at the time. Both of us rat ar*ed on tennants super lager. We went to the loo. She went in but wasn't coming out! Managed to get the door open, and she'd pooped hersel'! She had it all over her hands etc. Was mingin'! Tights, breeks, the lot, went in the bin. Managed to get her cleaned up and home okay. Jeez! First ime I'd ever seen someone really poop themselves!

 

Ahhh, to be young gain!

 

Lynn

[The Merse]

Doug, ye crack me up! Mwa ha!

 

I once didn't make the loo in time. Had a shocking bout of sickness and he runs. My loo is only a few feet away from my tatami room(where I sleep). But till didn't make it. One of those 48 hour bugs. Was awful!

 

A schoolfriend of mine made a right mess of herself one friday night at the local community centre. We were 13 at the time. Both of us rat ar*ed on tennants super lager. We went to the loo. She went in but wasn't coming out! Managed to get the door open, and she'd pooped hersel'! She had it all over her hands etc. Was mingin'! Tights, breeks, the lot, went in the bin. Managed to get her cleaned up and home okay. Jeez! First ime I'd ever seen someone really poop themselves!

 

Ahhh, to be young gain!

 

Lynn

 

Women should be excluded from telling tales about pooping.

 

It's just manky.

 

:santa1:

[Moriarty]

Pic 2 - There's something i quite like about watching a fit bird pish herself.:santa1:

 

that is rancid.

[Miller Jambo 60]

that is rancid.

 

It is eh, some people:santa1:

[The Old Tolbooth]

Had another disaster about 1977 due to being ill, which is a good excuse.

If i needed one.

Was in the western after the removal of my perforated appendix.

Wired up to a drip, post op, and a drain in the infected area.

Well tried a wee pump and my whole bowel collapsed.

Shouted for the lovely nurse that i had had an accident.

well she got me out the bed , changed the sheets , and washed me down.

What a nightmare.

17 i was.

 

 

Just brilliant Doug ha ha!! :santa1:

[Currahee!]

I've always wanted to **** myself as an adult.

 

Never have yet.

 

.

I have, a few times!

 

1st time as an adult was during France 98. Really bad stomach cramps at my mates and in the pub. I farted and followed through. Luckily I lived a few doors away so I ran out and got showered and changed! Pretty embarrasing!

 

I've had maybe another 4 episodes of following through since, not quite as embarrasing as that. Maybe I need a nappy!

[alwaysthereinspirit]

Having to ask the question "do farts have lumps" is usually a dead give away that you have a problem.

[Captain America]

Walking home from the Golf Tavern to Montpelier Park. Laid a major turd on the bowling green on the links. I went back the next day to check it was still there. I don't know why I did that cos my turds are not known for moving after being born.

 

Proper laughed at that line

 

[AlanB]

Had another disaster about 1977 due to being ill, which is a good excuse.

If i needed one.

Was in the western bar after the removal of my perforated appendix.

Wired up to a drip, post op, and a drain in the infected area.

Well tried to pump a wee stripper and my whole bowel collapsed.

Shouted for the old ******* in the nurse's uniform that i had had an accident.

well she got me out the bed , changed the sheets , and washed me down.

What a nightmare.

17 i was.

 

This is what really happened Doug, wasn't it :santa1:

[Miller Jambo 60]

Another one related to footie was when we were up in Dundee for a Utd match in the late 80s.

Im sure it was the big cup, and ended a draw not sure.

Anyway prior to the game had a lager shandy, dont know if this was to blame.

So after game driving along and i get this shooting pain and i know whats going to happen.

Looking for the nearest pub and spy one across the road, having to cut in front of a car to reach said pub.

Abandon the car and run in to bar where i trip and fall to the amazement of the guys playing pool.

Pick myself up and run in to toilet for the best relief ever.

Walk out and the guys just stand and stare at me.

Mental.

[PsychocAndy]

Are these confessions happening now because your getting ' to that age' when the punters in the seats around you are going to have to put up with certain 'odours' during the game and your just giving them the heads up.:santa1:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this what I've got to look forward to in, i think, 7 years time.

[Vincent B.A]

**** it here goes.....

 

I had been out on the bevy one fine Sunday evening, went back to the birds, passed out as you do and then went to sleep.

 

Woke up the next morning, bird was geting ready i was mega hungover siting on the end off the bed rubbing my eyes. Next thing i felt a wee fart coming along. So i've got nothing on at this point, i do the old lean to one side and lift the leg up. I procede to fart except i follow through with a nice wattery sh*te. I was like no way this has just happened to me.

 

So the bird is moaning at me to get a move on as she is going to be late for work. I'm what do i do what do i do. So i say to her just to go down stairs and i will be down in a minute. So i stand up and here is this wattery sh*te on her bed ( white sheets by the way ) (it also looked like when kids paint on paper and fold it in half and then open it again ) i didnt have a clue. So i went to the toilet wiped my arse and then went down stairs acting all normal. Went home and phoned the mrs and explained to her that i had a wee accident and that her mum would need to clean up all the mess as i had just left it there!!

 

Ah what a morning :santa1:

 

Ha ha, I actually laughed out when I read that. You must have been panicing when you had your little accident!

[Howard Moon]

I have'nt but did witness a mate do it randomly walking down the road. He claimed to be ill, still he got it tight for about 6 months.

[The People's Chimp]

I went along to the pars v sellick cup final a year or two ago, in the pars end obviously, and on leaving amongst the already foul smelling celtic hordes walking back towards my flat saw a 20 odd year old glasgow ned with his mates, jumping around with his irish flag and celtic scarf (could equally have been a hun of course, on another day) and a massive wet tam kite stain on the back of his jeans. Horrendous.