westbow Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Worked all day, hearts got beat, wife burnt the tea, fat Sonia dancing on the tv. Anyone got any good jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambo 71 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 500 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ... I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazbo Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 500 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ... I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.' Haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hate_hibs Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Lol good one jambo 71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gambo Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Lol good one jambo 71 Sorry mate, but i am serously having problems with your credentials as a Heart of Midlothian FC fan due to your signature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazbo Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Auld joke but still funny!..... A bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few beers, one of them asks "whats with the big brass gong on the wall?" "Its my speaking clock" the flat owner replies! "how does it work?" his mate asks, "i'll show you" says the bloke and hits the gong full pelt with a hammer! A voice from next door yells "for *****s sake you *****, its twenty to three in the morning!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neave Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 The police got called round to my house again tonight on a domestic abuse call. Third time this week. The officer asked me "why do you keep beating her?". I replied: "It's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fantastic footwork.". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stampy Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Sorry mate, but i am serously having problems with your credentials as a Heart of Midlothian FC fan due to your signature. Its definitely dubious!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambogaz1968 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 This is an old favorite one of mines.. a ice cream van stops ootside wee jonnys hoose,jonny goes oot to it, on the window was a sign saying We sell any kind of ice cream u can think of,if weve not got it you get ?50. is that rite mr ? jonny says to the ice cream man, i son any kind son. ok jonny says... wot a boot cheese n onion ? no probs thr u go....jonny licks it...i can taste the cheese but no the onion?, turn it round van man says...fairs doo's jonny says you win i can tastes the onion now, how aboot mince n tattie flavour? nae bother kid, thr u go....i can taste the mince but no the tatties? turn it round a bit? o aye i can taste the tatties now..... jonny thinks hard and then says ive got u now ....fannie flavour , i bet you havnae got that? sure do son, thr you go, jonny was shocked,he licked the cone "yuck thats " shi.. turn it round son. ; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctor FinnBarr Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Paddys wife goes to the doctor and says "In 20 years of marriage I've never orgasmed". Doc says "you must be too warm, buy a fan". Paddy refuses to buy a fan because of the expense and instead brings in Mick to waft a towel Paddy goes for it with Mick wafting, but nowt, Paddys wife suggests they change places. After 20 minutes of wild sex with Mick, Paddys wife reaches orgasm, Paddy then turns to Mick and says "that my son, is how you waft a towel". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Gasman Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Dear Grim Reaper, So far this year you have taken my favourite actress Farah Fawcet, my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite singer Steven Grantley, my favourite actor Patrick Swazey, and my favourite chef Keith Floyd. I just wanted to write to tell you that my favouite football team are hibs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 What do you call a woman with 1 leg..... Eileen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tynie b Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 New Rangers chairman was asked "what Can you bring to the Club that the last Chairman couldn't" "My Bike" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1874robbo Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I surveyed 100 women and asked them what kind of shampoo they used when they showered?. 96% of them said "how the feck did you get in here!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tynie b Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I surveyed 100 women and asked them what kind of shampoo they used when they showered?.96% of them said "how the feck did you get in here!!!" 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westbow Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy!! My wife asked me 'have you been having sex behind my back?' I replied 'who do you think it was?' -jimmy carr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazbo Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Paddys wife goes to the doctor and says "In 20 years of marriage I've never orgasmed".Doc says "you must be too warm, buy a fan". Paddy refuses to buy a fan because of the expense and instead brings in Mick to waft a towel Paddy goes for it with Mick wafting, but nowt, Paddys wife suggests they change places. After 20 minutes of wild sex with Mick, Paddys wife reaches orgasm, Paddy then turns to Mick and says "that my son, is how you waft a towel". :10900: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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