jack D and coke Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Following on from the other Viz thread one of the things i loved about it was the top tips page. Some of them were funny as. I'll start. Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased." Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge. Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool L17. Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons. J.T. Thropton. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Keep your wife/girlfriend on her toes by pretending to be asleep whilst muttering the names of your female neighbours under your breath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack D and coke Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Cyclists. Ignore red traffic lights. You bunch of ****s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victorian Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Old people, make things more challenging for those running to catch a bus by randomly staggering from side to side across the pavement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N User Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 when crossing the road, wait for an elderly person or somebody with a buggy to get in the path of oncoming traffic for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctor FinnBarr Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Bikers, make sure it rains by not wearing waterproofs when you set off! Bikers, make sure it stays nice by wearing waterproofs when you set off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigwull22 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Bus Drivers, never drive through a puddle unless you can soak a pedestrian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack D and coke Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 Found these.... Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ******ing thing in the first place, you fat *******. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigeyd Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Keep your wife/girlfriend on her toes by pretending to be asleep whilst muttering the names of your female neighbours under your breath. I nearly spat my beer out after reading that one:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Disappoint wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your ears instead of honey. Fool people in passing aeroplanes and helicopters into thinking that you are wealthy enough to have a swimming pool by painting an area of your back garden blue. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stupid Sexy Flanders Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Climb onto your neighbours roof and dangle a fish on a string in front of his window. He'll think his house is underwater. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartgarfunkel Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Lost it completely at that. I can still remember the prolonged screaming from a real-life victim of said 'Top Tip', Army Cadet Camp, Garelochhead nr. Faslane, 1985 c. when Live Aid was on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Avoid stepping in dog poo by walking along the tops of walls whenever possible. Avoid the dangers of over excitement by buying a Hibernian season ticket. :108years: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychocAndy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Sexual Rodeo Get your wife on all four and just as you mount her shout an ex girlfriends name. It will be just like a cowboy on an untamed horse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
felix Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 DRIVERS: ....Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose. Women. Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shht anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm button and voila! A free grope! Drunk drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Avoid the expense of a personalised numberplate. Simply change your name by deed pole to W345 SPT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr X Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Female commuters - leave the house a couple of minutes earlier in the morning so that male commuters can be spared the ridiculous spectacle of you "running" for the train. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack D and coke Posted February 2, 2009 Author Share Posted February 2, 2009 "Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for dwarves", "Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal fun-sized Mars Bars for giants", "King-size Mars Bars make ideal normal size Mars Bars for giants" and "Normal-sized Mars Bars make ideal king-sized Mars Bars for dwarves". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Window cleaners - when quoting Doctor Who for the Tardis, don't be conned into doing the inside windows for the same price as the outside. Blokes - watch your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the end when you put down the ring, walk down the isle then drive off to the pub with your best mate. Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Feel a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife. Pretend to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the big bag they came in, and eating them out of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmfc_steve Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 All from Viz, the once-classic British comic: OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself. WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists. MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb. WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right. NEXT time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make Sainsburys feel like your own living room. DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed. DON'T put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. OLD folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven. TEENAGERS. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look. SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air- filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably. RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again. BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times, and has far fewer calories. WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air. AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicator lights for you so that other motorists know where the **** you're going. PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window. SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time. OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats. KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling at night. INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage. NEVER attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door. TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of. MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. I SLEEP with my house key under my tongue, and I never suffer from cramp. EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer. GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids. WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer. PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed. APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected). PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and the water). MUMS! when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners. HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure. PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil, or hamster. OLD folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb. MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring- loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit. (whatever a winnit is???) FUN-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for dwarfs. GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time. KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. PREVENT your car from being stolen from the Logica car park by attaching a 3ft metal/plastic stick to the steering wheel. For best results, use a blue car. BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of honey. PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30. KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe in your bedroom. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job. BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers. courtesy of :http://everything2.com/e2node/Viz%2520Top%2520Tips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandt Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Give yourself the Ant from Ant & Dec look by looking at yourself on the back of a spoon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigsmak Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring- loaded wooden clothes peg, baited with a winnit. (whatever a winnit is???) bits of poo that get caught in your bum hairs....... read your profanasaurous (sp?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Sports fans with Sky - When Sportscene comes on, put it on record and go and get a beer for 10 minutes then start watching from the beginning. That will allow you to fast-forward through the inane "punditry" between games from that clown, Murdo McLeod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsychocAndy Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply ****ing in the sink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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