Spitonastranger Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 how many council tradesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb 450 i to hold the bulb and 449 to turn the house:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horatio Caine Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 What's yellow and sleeps six? A West Lothian Council van Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Two snakes slithering through the jungle. Young snake says - Dad, are we venomous snakes or constrictors? Thats a strange question son, why do you ask? Because I've just bit my lip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickmaroon Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 How many psycho-analysts does it take to change a light bulb? One but the lightbulb has to really want to change * * sorry, always wanted to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Haynes Manual translations Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned. Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your motorbike/car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in/on it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife/husband/partner "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dodethejambo Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Barack Obama and John McCain find themselves alone together in a waiting room before a joint TV appearance. There is a small wet bar in the corner, and they decide to share a drink. "You know, John," says Obama, "I know we have our differences, but I want you to know that I think you're a fine man and that you have the best interests of our country at heart." McCain replies, "Why, thank you, Barack. And you should know that I think the same of you." They clink glasses. "May the best man win," says McCain. "Amen," says Obama. They chat idly for a while, and then McCain slides closer and asks in a low tone, "Can I ask for a little personal advice, Barack?" Obama blinks. "Why, certainly, John," he says. "Well, it's like this. I'm getting on, you know, and my - er - personal relationship with Cindy isn't what it once was." "I understand," says Obama. "So I was wondering - well, I know it's a stereotype, but you black guys are supposed to be terrific lovers, right?" Obama smiles. "I've never had any complaints," he says. McCain goes on: "Well, there you go. I was just wondering if you had any tips or advice in that, er, area." Obama leans toward him and speaks quietly. "Here's what you do, John," he says. "When you go to bed with your wife tonight, make sure she's in bed and asleep first; then you take out your dick and wake her up by slapping it against the bedpost, three times. That'll let her know you have confidence, that you mean business, and it'll also give you the biggest hard-on you've ever had." "Really?" "Guaranteed." "Okay, I'll try it." So that night, John waits till after Cindy has turned out the lights and gone to bed. He waits a little longer, till he's sure she's asleep; and then he goes into the bedroom, takes his dick out of his pajamas, and slaps it against the bedpost, three times. Cindy wakes up and speaks sleepily: "Barack, is that you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators JKBMod 3 Posted November 15, 2008 Moderators Share Posted November 15, 2008 Right guys. Please keep it clean!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdoffstl Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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