Chasing Tail...

[The People's Chimp]

and the scrapes you get into. What ridiculous situations have you got yourself into in the pursuit of your nat king?

 

Hiding behind the sofa with a girl for ages because her mentalist ex is out in the front garden and wont leave? Or like the time I gave a girl my number in the spiegel tent and then on my way home got a text saying 'come over, here's my address' and went to her (massive) flat, turns out she is an absolute weirdo and started showing me about, not really saying anything and then took me to a spare room and was like "this is where you will be sleeping tonight. I'm going to my room now. Goodnight." As soon as she was out it was cool sharp harp time and I bolted.

 

There are plenty more, but maybe not all suitable for a 'family board' such as JKB. I'm sure there must be some pretty good tales out there....

[Say What Again]

I went home with a girl I met up town one night. When we got there we went to the kitchen first and she poured 2 massive glasses of bevvy. We drank, we blethered and one thing led to another - but not 'all the way'.

 

I needed a pee and asked her where the loo was.

 

Coming back from my pee I passed a very ****ed off looking guy in his boxers heading to the loo I'd come out of. He was a right big ****er too.

 

Anyway, I went back to the kitchen and inquired who he was. She told me it was her husband and just to ignore him. He'd just be in a bad mood because he was starting work (as a policeman) in a few hours and we'd woken him up.

 

Needless to say, I didn't hang around too much longer.

[Norm]

I just knew you would post on this thread!

 

The worst thing (or best thing, depending on how you look at it) is this is just one of many many posts you could make.

 

Teenage stripper bringing back any memories, my good man?

[Say What Again]

Teenage stripper bringing back any memories, my good man?

 

That's bizarre you mention her. I saw her a week past Sunday for the first time in a couple of years.

 

I should have shagged her - after all, she had her boyfriend with her at the time

[jamboinglasgow]

not really for nat king, but an odd story for me and love was I once got in a fight with another guy over a girl we both faniced. Ended up with black eyes and bruises. Whats odd about that I hear you cry?

 

I was only three years old.

[Dix Handley]

Mate of mine was roused from his slumber by the "feel of cold steel"

on his throat. "NICE!"

 

Could have been worse i suppose.

[Del1812]

Twice I've gone back to hotel rooms (once in Ibiza, once in Malia) and lost what looked like a guarentee because the two flatmates end up having an really personal blazing row. One time, bit younger, naive and desperate, I was asked to leave after I tried to cool the row by saying they shouldn't argue while drunk - the flatmate ended up going nuts at me - but the second time (this summer) I was savvy enough to bolt sharpish despite the girl calling me for stay.

 

I thought I was doing the smart thing until I realised I was in San Antonio Bay, over an hour away from my Apartment which was at Kanya, and had no money for a taxi... three minutes into my long walk it started raining.

[Homme]

 

I thought I was doing the smart thing until I realised I was in San Antonio Bay, over an hour away from my Apartment which was at Kanya, and had no money for a taxi... three minutes into my long walk it started raining.

 

did you walk the wrong way round ibiza?

[Sexton Hardcastle]

Twice I've gone back to hotel rooms (once in Ibiza, once in Malia) and lost what looked like a guarentee because the two flatmates end up having an really personal blazing row. One time, bit younger, naive and desperate, I was asked to leave after I tried to cool the row by saying they shouldn't argue while drunk - the flatmate ended up going nuts at me - but the second time (this summer) I was savvy enough to bolt sharpish despite the girl calling me for stay.

 

I thought I was doing the smart thing until I realised I was in San Antonio Bay, over an hour away from my Apartment which was at Kanya, and had no money for a taxi... three minutes into my long walk it started raining.

 

At least someone got wet that nite

[Ribble]

Few years back I'd been trying to pull a girl, when her bloke turned up and was about to kick off when I managed to blag that I was really just getting her to ask her pal out for me. Couple of weeks later seen them her out again and she really did ask her pal out, so I thought 'why dwell on it?' and tried to fire into her pal! As the night went on the first girl got very drunk and despite her pal earlier saying I could go back to hers it was decided I had to walk the very drunk girl home! So walking her home she starts really coming on to me and just as i was getting my hopes up her bloke stops in a taxi just up the road and starts running over to where we were! So just as I was steeling myself for a scrap he turns out to be nice as ninepence and invites me in for a drink and gives me a tenner towards my taxi since I'd made sure his bird got home ok! He really didn't click that i was trying to get my leg over and a couple of years later they split up and I did manage to have a shot of her!

[Regal Kingston]

Few years back I'd been trying to pull a girl, when her bloke turned up and was about to kick off when I managed to blag that I was really just getting her to ask her pal out for me. Couple of weeks later seen them her out again and she really did ask her pal out, so I thought 'why dwell on it?' and tried to fire into her pal! As the night went on the first girl got very drunk and despite her pal earlier saying I could go back to hers it was decided I had to walk the very drunk girl home! So walking her home she starts really coming on to me and just as i was getting my hopes up her bloke stops in a taxi just up the road and starts running over to where we were! So just as I was steeling myself for a scrap he turns out to be nice as ninepence and invites me in for a drink and gives me a tenner towards my taxi since I'd made sure his bird got home ok! He really didn't click that i was trying to get my leg over and a couple of years later they split up and I did manage to have a shot of her!

 

Nice one! I do like a happy ending.!

 

One time i was back at this burds flat with one my mates who we both quite fancied a piece of (individually- not as a 'wrong' threesome'), anyway the three of us are on her king size bed and i'm slowly carressing her hand and in turn having mine carressed. I'm thinking "i'm in here" and desperately trying to think of a reason to get rid of my pal. A few moments later she gets up to get another drink to reveal my hand in the palm of my mate as he 'gently carresed.' it.

 

Needless to say we called it a night after that and got seperate taxis home.

[Boof]

A few moments later she gets up to get another drink to reveal my hand in the palm of my mate as he 'gently carresed.' it.

 

[Sparky]

A few moments later she gets up to get another drink to reveal my wand in the palm of my mate as he 'gently carresed.' it.

 

Needless to say we called it a night after that and got seperate taxis home.

 

[Say What Again]

A few moments later she gets up to get another drink to reveal my hand in the palm of my mate as he 'gently carresed.' it.

 

[Generic Username]

Back in my scallywag days in the mean streets of Kirkcaldy my mate had a date lined up with some random dame but she refused to go out with him unless he brought someone along with him for her mate - enter young and desperate Audioslave.

 

He'd assured me she was good looking and talked up a big game about how the night would be. Anyhoo, it was just a trip to the movies. So I offer to drive and off we go to pick up these girls.

 

Get to their house, my mates girl comes out the door, looking nice, prompty followed by my one who was what can only be described as "a mess" - I'm keeping it PC here. She basically had a perm and looked like she could stab you by just looking at you. So instantly I make the decision to have as little chat and contact with this burd as possible, get the movie over with and get home to erase the memory.

 

All the way through the film she's trying to chat away and nudging ever closer, pretty sure by the time the film was finished I was on a random blokes lap about 8 seats away. So we drive them home, thank them for a lovely evening. Good night, see you later.

 

That's when the madness ensued.

 

After we dropped them off I get a call from one of my lady chums asking if I can drive her to her grans because her cars on the blink. So I'm on my merry way taking her to grannies hoose when we drive past those 2 dames on the street. Many dirty looks are shot my way but I think nothing more of it.

 

2 hours later we're at my mates house, typical boys night in on a Friday whe my mobile phone starts ringing;

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is that Simon?"

 

"Yes it is."

 

"You're a ****ing dead man, I'm gonnae slit your throat you wee c@nt!"

 

Phone gets hung up right away and instantly starts ringing again with this random voice abusing me and telling me all the things he's going to do to me with a knife and the aid of his friends who're "fresh oot the jail".

 

This goes on maybe 5 or 6 times but we keep answering for kicks. Turns out, this boy is the cousin of the dame I took out and when she seen me in the car with my mate she explodes into a rage and starts greeting, telling this boy I cheated on her and that she thought I was "the one" - ALL FROM ONE DATE WHERE I SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT ON ANOTHER BLOKES LAP!

 

Finally calm him down and explain that I only met her that night and tell him what went on.

 

Phone goes quiet, voices in the backround;

 

"Ho! Kirsty! You jist met this C@nt the night?"

 

"...maybe...aye...aye I did..."

 

"YOU'RE A ****IN BAM!"

 

Back to me;

 

"Sorry mate, a didnae realise she wiz that mental."

 

And that was that!

[The People's Chimp]

Back in my scallywag days in the mean streets of Kirkcaldy my mate had a date lined up with some random dame but she refused to go out with him unless he brought someone along with him for her mate - enter young and desperate Audioslave.

 

He'd assured me she was good looking and talked up a big game about how the night would be. Anyhoo, it was just a trip to the movies. So I offer to drive and off we go to pick up these girls.

 

Get to their house, my mates girl comes out the door, looking nice, prompty followed by my one who was what can only be described as "a mess" - I'm keeping it PC here. She basically had a perm and looked like she could stab you by just looking at you. So instantly I make the decision to have as little chat and contact with this burd as possible, get the movie over with and get home to erase the memory.

 

All the way through the film she's trying to chat away and nudging ever closer, pretty sure by the time the film was finished I was on a random blokes lap about 8 seats away. So we drive them home, thank them for a lovely evening. Good night, see you later.

 

That's when the madness ensued.

 

After we dropped them off I get a call from one of my lady chums asking if I can drive her to her grans because her cars on the blink. So I'm on my merry way taking her to grannies hoose when we drive past those 2 dames on the street. Many dirty looks are shot my way but I think nothing more of it.

 

2 hours later we're at my mates house, typical boys night in on a Friday whe my mobile phone starts ringing;

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is that Simon?"

 

"Yes it is."

 

"You're a ****ing dead man, I'm gonnae slit your throat you wee c@nt!"

 

Phone gets hung up right away and instantly starts ringing again with this random voice abusing me and telling me all the things he's going to do to me with a knife and the aid of his friends who're "fresh oot the jail".

 

This goes on maybe 5 or 6 times but we keep answering for kicks. Turns out, this boy is the cousin of the dame I took out and when she seen me in the car with my mate she explodes into a rage and starts greeting, telling this boy I cheated on her and that she thought I was "the one" - ALL FROM ONE DATE WHERE I SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT ON ANOTHER BLOKES LAP!

 

Finally calm him down and explain that I only met her that night and tell him what went on.

 

Phone goes quiet, voices in the backround;

 

"Ho! Kirsty! You jist met this C@nt the night?"

 

"...maybe...aye...aye I did..."

 

"YOU'RE A ****IN BAM!"

 

Back to me;

 

"Sorry mate, a didnae realise she wiz that mental."

 

And that was that!

 

Brilliant.

[Walter Kidd]

Was this before or after your exploits on the Waltzers Simon?

[Regal Kingston]

By the way I think I should add that me and my mate both thought we were feeling the burds hand.

 

This wasn't quite clear from the original story.

 

Not as funny though....

[scottish_chicP]

Back in my scallywag days in the mean streets of Kirkcaldy my mate had a date lined up with some random dame but she refused to go out with him unless he brought someone along with him for her mate - enter young and desperate Audioslave.

 

He'd assured me she was good looking and talked up a big game about how the night would be. Anyhoo, it was just a trip to the movies. So I offer to drive and off we go to pick up these girls.

 

Get to their house, my mates girl comes out the door, looking nice, prompty followed by my one who was what can only be described as "a mess" - I'm keeping it PC here. She basically had a perm and looked like she could stab you by just looking at you. So instantly I make the decision to have as little chat and contact with this burd as possible, get the movie over with and get home to erase the memory.

 

All the way through the film she's trying to chat away and nudging ever closer, pretty sure by the time the film was finished I was on a random blokes lap about 8 seats away. So we drive them home, thank them for a lovely evening. Good night, see you later.

 

That's when the madness ensued.

 

After we dropped them off I get a call from one of my lady chums asking if I can drive her to her grans because her cars on the blink. So I'm on my merry way taking her to grannies hoose when we drive past those 2 dames on the street. Many dirty looks are shot my way but I think nothing more of it.

 

2 hours later we're at my mates house, typical boys night in on a Friday whe my mobile phone starts ringing;

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is that Simon?"

 

"Yes it is."

 

"You're a ****ing dead man, I'm gonnae slit your throat you wee c@nt!"

 

Phone gets hung up right away and instantly starts ringing again with this random voice abusing me and telling me all the things he's going to do to me with a knife and the aid of his friends who're "fresh oot the jail".

 

This goes on maybe 5 or 6 times but we keep answering for kicks. Turns out, this boy is the cousin of the dame I took out and when she seen me in the car with my mate she explodes into a rage and starts greeting, telling this boy I cheated on her and that she thought I was "the one" - ALL FROM ONE DATE WHERE I SPENT MOST OF THE NIGHT ON ANOTHER BLOKES LAP!

 

Finally calm him down and explain that I only met her that night and tell him what went on.

 

Phone goes quiet, voices in the backround;

 

"Ho! Kirsty! You jist met this C@nt the night?"

 

"...maybe...aye...aye I did..."

 

"YOU'RE A ****IN BAM!"

 

Back to me;

 

"Sorry mate, a didnae realise she wiz that mental."

 

And that was that!

 

 

Wow she doesn't sound at all psychotic!

[Generic Username]

Was this before or after your exploits on the Waltzers Simon?

 

If I'd stuck with that burd a career dancing infront of the Waltzers and demanding people scream if they want to go faster (while she dished out 20p blowjobs round the back of a caravan) would have been my only option.

[Walter Kidd]

If I'd stuck with that burd a career dancing infront of the Waltzers and demanding people scream if they want to go faster (while she dished out 20p blowjobs round the back of a caravan) would have been my only option.

 

Good to have you back young man?

 

Was she from Templehall?

[Tane]

Was out on the town with a mate on Boxing Day 4 years ago. Met a bird, one thing led to another and ended up getting in a taxi with her all the way back to Granton. Got back to her place and within minutes the clothes were on the floor.

 

"Hold on a sec, just nipping to the loo"

 

The bathroom was directly next to her room and the walls were paper thin. All I could hear for 5 minutes straight was the sound of her throwing up in the toilet. When she came back through, we started "getting it on" again. Dirty bi*ch never bothered to brush her teeth or rinse with mouthwash. About a minute later she rushed out to the loo again.

 

More throwing up.

 

****** this I thought... Started getting my clothes and then she came back in. She went mental at me for wanting to leave, and I did.

 

This resulted in what is quite possibly the longest drunken walk home I've ever had. Never frequented myself in Granton so I was completely lost. Figured that if I followed the bus stops that have the number 38 on them I'd eventually get home. Wrong. Somehow lost my way and ended up on a journey through Pilton and Trinity before eventually finding my way home at 7am. I estimate that I left her place around about 3:30am.

 

Was working in a shop at the time and had to start work at 10am on the 27th. Horrible day.