Friday night joke...

[Tams bird]

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The man says aloud, 'Gosh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy Moses,' the man replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'I got every word,' says the parrot 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ...'

 

'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the man. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

 

The man looks at the ?200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for ?20, just make the chap an offer!'

 

The man offers ?20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

 

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the man.

 

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the man says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

 

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...'

 

Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Buggered if I know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch!'

[Deek]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

 

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

 

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[Jambojohnnyboy]

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

 

 

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

 

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

 

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[stawberry2]

Woman helping hubby set up computer for a password

hubby types PENIS - woman falls of chair when computer replied "PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH"