maroonlegions Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 How to Handle a Difficult Customer For all those who have suffered in customer services: A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple Moral of the story: You will NEVER please everyone, so do not take it personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted June 4, 2008 Author Share Posted June 4, 2008 A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine his credibility ... Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.' Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. Well this is going well then.:rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 A guy returns home from the Doctor. His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?" The guy replies, "the doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life." His mate adds, "that's not too bad." The guy says, "it is - he's only given me four tablets." Sorry, it's the only one I've heard this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neave Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 And old guy walks into the doctor's office and goes up to the receptionist: "Hello, I'd like to see the doctor ASAP." "May I ask what's wrong with you, sir?" the receptionist enquired. "I have a problem with my c**k." he says, proudly. The whole waiting room hears and a few distinct, disapproving grumbles are heard. "Excuse me sir, could you please try to be a little bit more diplomatic? You're offending people!" says the receptionist, disgusted. "You asked me what was wrong with me and I told you; how could I have been more diplomatic about that?" "Well," says the receptionist, "you could've lied and said you had a problem with your ear, for example." "OK, I'll go outside, come back in and try again." says the old guy. So he walks out, walks back in and says "Hello, I'd like to see the doctor ASAP." "May I ask what's wrong with you?" asks the receptionist with a wry smile on her face. "Yes, I have a problem with my ear." replies the old guy. "Oh, and what's wrong with it?" asks the receptionist, slightly teasingly. The old man loudly replies "I can't pi*h out of it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markie Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tommythejambo Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes acollege degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Some of them are really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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