dannymack Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Just found out that a good friend of mine has been cheated on, the dilema is that he doesn't know about it YET. I've known him longer than i've known his Wife but i regard her as a good friend too both singular and as a couple. For what it appears from the outside they have a very healthy happy family enviroment, both are working although he works all the hours that are sent to him and from that they are fortunate they can afford Child Care. I'm not going into too much detail but all i can say is she didn't and isn't having a full blown long term affair. Anyone care to take time off from the Referendum dross and input their opinions on this serious matter ? Not looking for sarcasm in relation to the title of the post, just looking for views on why it happens. Apologies if this creates a paranoia in your own relationship. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest C00l K1d Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 So this guy is working his arse of for the benefit of his family whilst his wife is a way pumping some other guy? Get your mate told. Fwiw a few year ago I was unhappy in a relationship but didn't have the balls to end it. So I went up town pulled a few birds then told my girlfriend thinking she would dump me. She didn't. What a shite decision that was on my part :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I'm sure you and her could come to some arrangement to ensure your silence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Generalising here but 1- men cheat for sex, the physical act, because they are not getting enough- its not an emotional thing 2- women cheat because they feel neglected, its not a physical thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dannymack Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Generalising here but 1- men cheat for sex, the physical act, because they are not getting enough- its not an emotional thing 2- women cheat because they feel neglected, its not a physical thing I was thinking along those lines too but as we all know we do not know what goes on behind closed doors, as i stated earlier they are what it appeared as the ideal couple. My wife and i have been asked to be silent for now until that matter gets in hand and a decision being made on her part, if i can guarantee long term continual happiness for them then my silence will remain.... i think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Stinkfinger Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 She's probably just your run of the mill slag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I was thinking along those lines too but as we all know we do not know what goes on behind closed doors, as i stated earlier they are what it appeared as the ideal couple. My wife and i have been asked to be silent for now until that matter gets in hand and a decision being made on her part, if i can guarantee long term continual happiness for them then my silence will remain.... i think. One thing I would say- she is in the wrong-end of. You cannot un-shag someone. So why should SHE decide on timing etc adn make the decision And you cannot guarantee long term happiness for them- she just wrecked that, If you have so litlte respect for your husband / wife that you would cheat on them, you would do it again He needs to know Otherwise their relationship is a total lie And you will never feel easy about her company again Tell him, and let her explain why she did it to him- her reasons (excuses is what they are) are nothing to do with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shanks Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If I was you I would have already told my 'good friend'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambo 5-1 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If I was you I would have already told my 'good friend'. This is spot on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If I was you I would have already told my 'good friend'. Bingo- dont listen to the "give her time" refrains from your wife. He needs to know that his other half is a liar and a cheat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Never Let Them Forget Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Would you expect your friend to tell you if your wife was sleeping about? There's your answer there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridge of Djoum Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 You have to tell him mate. It's good you spoke to someone and cooled off after finding out, gave it time to think things through. But I think even you know he has to be told. The question as to why people cheat... The reasons are many and ever complicated. It's can be simple sex/boredom/neglect, or far more emotional. Even if you are friendly with her, it's really not worth not telling your buddy. Can you imagine working all hours, knocking your pan in for your family, only for your partner to treat you like that? Tell him mate. it'll be tough and shitty and messy, but it's for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Telford Jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If he finds out in the future and then finds out that you've known for ages, you'll probably end up with one less friend. I would suggest you tell his wife that if she doesn't tell him then you will. Assuming she then tells him, they can then work it out between themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 The same reasons that you go with a prostitute, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridge of Djoum Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 The same reasons that you go with a prostitute, really. Very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mutley Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If he finds out in the future and then finds out that you've known for ages, you'll probably end up with one less friend. I would suggest you tell his wife that if she doesn't tell him then you will. Assuming she then tells him, they can then work it out between themselves. This. Give her tonight or your telling him in the morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Buaben Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If he finds out in the future and then finds out that you've known for ages, you'll probably end up with one less friend. I would suggest you tell his wife that if she doesn't tell him then you will. Assuming she then tells him, they can then work it out between themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ragnar Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Just found out that a good friend of mine has been cheated on, the dilema is that he doesn't know about it YET. How did you find out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMaganator Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I have often said that a huge proportion of marriages would be saved if couples had an agreement whereby once a month/week/quarter (whatever suited them) they could go off and shag someone else. No consequences. Just satisfying the urge that never leaves a man (I am not sure about women). This obviously wouldn't work if you hated your wife or whatever. In answer to the OP - get your pal told. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barney Rubble Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If i were you i would put pressure on the female to tell her partner by the weekend , or you will ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Get him told. The sad part is that if they go their separate ways, and she gets the kid (s), he's gonna be paying, double ######. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Get him told. The sad part is that if they go their separate ways, and she gets the kid (s), he's gonna be paying, double ######. So he should, they remain his kids. your financial obligations to your offspring do not end with separation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Demand 10 grand off her and if she doesn't pay up then tell your pal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Loads of reasons for cheating on partners. Some have been listed on this thread already. All I'll say is that there are often three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. Don't think I'd ever want to or be comfortable in judging someone who did. In saying that, I think the best approach is to tell the wife that you will tell him by such and such a date, better to get her to tell you when, otherwise you'll be telling him. That's what I would want to happen if it happened to me and that way you have a good chance of keeping your mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMaganator Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 In fact - was it a one-off shag? You said it wasn't a full-blown affair... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Benoit Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 So he should, they remain his kids. your financial obligations to your offspring do not end with separation I think the point he's trying to make is she caused the relationship to break down by her actions yet she would get custody of the kids and he's left on his own. That's how he's paying not the financial implications. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavman33 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Probably because nobody's perfect TBH Get your mate told Imagine it was you? Would you not want to know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf's Mate Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Similar situation here. It caused havoc amongst our friends and the saying the truth always outs couldn't be more correct. You need to give her 24 hours to come clean or you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibrahim Tall Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 So he should, they remain his kids. your financial obligations to your offspring do not end with separation What you say is correct but I think he's referring to the fact he'd "lose" his kid(s) and possibly barely see them despite doing nothing wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sterling Archer Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Almost 30 posts and no one has suggested he use this information to shag the wife? Disappointed KB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moshy Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Demand 10 grand off her and if she doesn't pay up then tell your pal. But if she did pay up then his mate would be knocking his pan in even more leaving her even more time to shag around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 But if she did pay up then his mate would be knocking his pan in even more leaving her even more time to shag around. Aye but then he's got ten grand. Or I suppose he could ask for a bit more to make it more worthwhile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdougg Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 In fact - was it a one-off shag? You said it wasn't a full-blown affair... Pretty sure a one off isn't any reason to stay with someone. There's always 2 sides to every story - I'm not condoning cheating at all before anyone gets the wrong end of the stick. If you're not happy, walk away. It's harder with kids, I've been through that, but be an adult & walk before you get involved with someone else. Yes, mistakes happen, still doesn't justify the fact that he/she cheated & basically destroyed a family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgiewave Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Almost 30 posts and no one has suggested he use this information to shag the wife? Disappointed KB. I thought Say What Again was getting at that in post 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
easty1985 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 The woman knows that you and your wife knows? I bet she is shitting herself! I cheated on my ex a number of times (not proud it) - but every time my phone went.. Major panic attack. How did you find out? Is she decent? Where does she drink? Got her number? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambo_ Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 tell him face to face and video it so you can share it with the world on youtube? am bored of this fecking 'ice-bucket challenge' shite... time for 'your wife's a bucket challenge' don't you think?! on a serious note as many have said before... you should tell your mate he deserves to know the truth. Tell her either she tells him by the end of the week or you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Tell her yourself ASAP- gives the woman in question less time to discredit you before you do it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I thought Say What Again was getting at that in post 3. The only reason I never suggested it was that I read post 3 the same as you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottish_chicP Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Found out a Partner at work, who I had a lot of respect for, and is married with two young boys, is sleeping with a trainee. And she's not the first one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Comedian Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Boredom and familiarity. A bit of excitement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveofthegame Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Admittedly you are in a hard place bud. Don't tell your mate, he finds out you knew and your friendship is over. Tell your mate, he gets angry at the world, your friendship might still be over. However, with the 2nd option at least you will be at peace knowing you did the right thing as a friend. I'm less than a year married - if any of my mates knew the dirty had been done on me and didn't tell me I imagine my reaction towards them would be more angry and violent than the reaction towards her (who I'd just walk away from, albeit heartbroken). If they did tell me I'd be hurting admittedly but would appreciate them forever for not leaving me looking like a complete tool being "mocked" while someone else shacks up with my Mrs. Tell him and do it soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavman33 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I genuinely think that any guy if promised a one night stand with a hot bird knowing that his partner would NEVER find out would probably do it Anyone that says different I have a lot of respect for Women aren't the same as its more about feelings for them rather then the physical act itself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OmiyaHearts Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I was in a similar situation many years ago. Mates burd and her friends pleaded with me not to tell him. I thought about it for a few days but decided as he was my mate I was telling him whether it was a 'daft mistake' or not. It was chaos after that, a total nightmare of a time as we were all in a large circle of friends and socialised in the same places etc. It resulted in a lot of animosity in the group and some made me out to be the bad guy. The circle of 'friends' disintegrated after that. He told me he would never have forgiven me if he found out I knew and never told him. You have to tell him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ribble Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 In answer to the thread title, it's quite simple we are animals, very evolved animals but animals all the same! Historically through the ages we were never a monogamous species but over time social convention and religion has made it to be what is expected and we bow to that social convention in the most part, some people just won't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckandcover Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I genuinely think that any guy if promised a one night stand with a hot bird knowing that his partner would NEVER find out would probably do it Anyone that says different I have a lot of respect for Women aren't the same as its more about feelings for them rather then the physical act itself Hand on heart I can say that I wouldn't. I think it's simple if you don't want to be with someone tell them, don't mess about behind their back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveofthegame Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I genuinely think that any guy if promised a one night stand with a hot bird knowing that his partner would NEVER find out would probably do it Anyone that says different I have a lot of respect for Women aren't the same as its more about feelings for them rather then the physical act itself Aye but that is a pipe dream for most guys, married or unmarried! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveofthegame Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 If you had caught your mate cheating on his mrs would you tell his mrs? No, because he is my mate not her. Not morally correct, but that is just the way things are. I was in a similar situation many years ago. Mates burd and her friends pleaded with me not to tell him. I thought about it for a few days but decided as he was my mate I was telling him whether it was a 'daft mistake' or not. It was chaos after that, a total nightmare of a time as we were all in a large circle of friends and socialised in the same places etc. It resulted in a lot of animosity in the group and some made me out to be the bad guy. The circle of 'friends' disintegrated after that. He told me he would never have forgiven me if he found out I knew and never told him. You have to tell him. Kind of what I was saying in my first post but a practical example! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OmiyaHearts Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Don't get me wrong. I'm happily married and have never messed about. I still think about banging every half decent burd I see. Actually, even the ugly ones sometimes I don't do it though, simply because I couldn't deal with the guilt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerjambo190512 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I used to work with a guy that said " if ye dinnae feed the dug it'll rake the bucket" That was his excuse for playing away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavman33 Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Hand on heart I can say that I wouldn't. I think it's simple if you don't want to be with someone tell them, don't mess about behind their back. Fair play to you mate What if you love someone and you make a mistake under the influence of alcohol? Does it make you a bad person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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