superjack Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 How does a woman hold her liquor ? By his ears Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naecups1902 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Did you hear about the incontinent tortoise It p1shed its shell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden? Root it oot. What type of bees give milk ? Boo bees Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 I can't stand the lollipop lady outside my kids' school. She makes me cross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Two peanuts walking along the road. One got assaulted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Knock, knock... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Draper Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Knock, knock... Who's there? [Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was outstanding in his field] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Who's there? Control freak. Now you say "Control freak who?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoJack Horseman Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Control freak. Now you say "Control freak who?" Control freak who? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Draper Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Now you say "Control freak who?" :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conn artist Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 what is Mr T's favourite kind of yoghurt? a petit filous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 what is Mr T's favourite kind of yoghurt? a petit filous. Ha ha.dreadful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bertracoon Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Two peanuts walking along the road. One was assaulted Fixed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bertracoon Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 10 cows standing in a field. One of them's on holiday. Which one is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 10 cows standing in a field. One of them's on holiday. Which one is it? The one wi the wee calf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 The one wi the wee calf Glaswegian cow then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Glaswegian cow then? Ha ha. That's the one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 What does Speedie Gonzalez put under his carpets? Underlay, underlay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 The one wi the wee calf 10 cows in a field in scotland , which 1 is from the gulf? coo 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career he has saved hundreds of foreskins as momentos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. ?All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?? exclaims the surgeon. The leathersmith replies, ?Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinnybob72 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 What do you call a guy with one leg shorter than the other? Bill Tupshoe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinnybob72 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Teacher is asking primary 2 what they did at the weekend. She starts by asking Tom who replies that he was playing in his sand pit. "That's very nice Tom, if you can spell 'sand' you can have a sweetie." Tom gets it right and is allowed a sweetie. Teacher turns to Sue and asks her the same question to which Sue replies that she was playing with Tom and that they were making sand castles with their bucket and spade. "That's nice Sue, if you can spell 'spade' you can also have a sweetie." Sue gets it right and is allowed a sweetie. Teacher then asks Mohammed what he did at the weekend to which he replies that he wanted to play in the sand pit with Tom and Sue but that they wouldn't let him. "That's terrible Mohammed, in fact it's bordering on 'racial discrimination' and if you can spell that then you can have a sweetie." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboinglasgow Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legget Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 whats orange and sounds like a parrot a carrot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gadgey55 Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 2 Chinamen were raiding a highland distillery one night 1 turns to his mate and asks "Is this whisky?" His mate replies "yes, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 A female bodybuilder goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I've grown a penis because I've taken too many steroids". Doctor:" Anabolic?" Woman: "No, just a penis". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magic Numbers Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe, who promptly lies down under the bar & falls asleep... Barman says to man "Oi, you can't leave that lying there" Man says "That's no lion, that's a giraffe!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gembon Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Knock knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No, YOU'RE a poo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 So I asked the man in the garage "Do you have one of those vans where the seats fold down into a bed for when you're travelling on holiday." He said "Camper?" I said "Listen ducky, Could you be a sweetie and tell me if you've got one of those simply marvelous vans...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment. (this thread was for CRAP jokes, right?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Victoria Beckham is so lactose intolerant that she can't even say "cheese" for the camera Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 So after buying my camper van I needed to get some stuff together for a barbecue I asked the guy "Ooooh it would be simply fabulous if you could tell me where I could get some sausages, No not like that naughty! You are awfull... but I like you" He said "Butcher" So I said "Awright Pal! You'd better tell us where I can buy some ****ing sausages or else" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeylandJambo Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Wife asked me last night if her appendix scar made her look sexy Apparently no love your tits hide it is not the right answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Knock knock. Who's there? Sweetcorn in map. Sweetcorn in map who? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra sound guy. And when he is on holiday it's the hip replacement guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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