Wee Joke

[desmondo]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

 

Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Takahiro a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

 

'Very good!'

 

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

 

Again, no response except from Little Takahiro, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

 

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

 

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

 

Once again, Takahiro's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Takahiro isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: '**** the ****,'

 

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

 

Little Takahiro put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

 

Again, Little Takahiro said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

 

Little Takahiro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little *****.

 

If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

 

Little Takahiro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted.

 

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'

 

Little Takahiro said quietly, 'Craig Whyte, 2011..'

[Notorious BIG]

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

 

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

 

"She smells of elephant shit."

[dodethejambo]

At last, after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's over. Details are still sketchy, but finally...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Westlife are splitting up.

[Guest C00l K1d]

I'll tell you who isn't playing FIFA 12, and that's Richard Dawkins.

 

He's a Pro-Evolution man

[Boof]

The young man smiled nervously as the curvaceous blonde caught his eye at the party.

 

As she smiled at him he plucked up courage to try and talk to her.

 

Before he could so she approached him and, still smiling, whispered huskily, "Hi. My name's Carmen. How are you?"

 

"Errr, I'm fine thanks. I like your name - it's very pretty".

 

"Gee, thanks. I chose it myself. I named myself after my two favourite things... cars and men", she replied with a wink. "What's your name?"

 

Immediately the young man responded "Beertits".

[¼½¾]

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

 

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

[shaun.lawson]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

 

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

 

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

 

"Well, it's quite simple, really" says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

 

"No problem" he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks - dirty dishes!

 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

 

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

 

No one says a word.

 

So, he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

 

Still, nobody says a word.

 

So, he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mum..

 

"She's got a great body" he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

 

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suddenly the father exclaims: "OK, OK, I?ll do the ******* dishes!"