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Rudolf's Mate
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Carl Spackler

A bloke pulls in a Nightclub and asks the young Lady "Would you like to come back to my place"

 

"I can't" answers the young lady, "I'm on my menstrual cycle"

 

"That's OK, I'm on my Norton 500" answers the bloke.

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Regal Kingston

In a similar vein!

Man walks into a sweetie shop

"pound of chocolate caramels please"

"sorry sir we only have plain left"

"Mate don't **** me about my house is on fire!"

 

Nope don't get it.

Can somebody please explain

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I P Knightley

Nope don't get it.

Can somebody please explain

I'm guessing it is surreal.

 

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

The answer is a cotton sack full of antelope dreams.

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Nope don't get it.

Can somebody please explain

I think it might be the fact that the guys house is on fire and he's walking into a sweet shop. Could be wrong though.

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I'm guessing it is surreal.

 

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

The answer is a cotton sack full of antelope dreams.

Kind of Vic Reeves style.

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William H. Bonney

I'm guessing it is surreal.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer is a cotton sack full of antelope dreams.

I was going to tell someone one of your jokes but they appear to have disappeared. Grannies must be off limits!!

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Rudolf's Mate

I think it might be the fact that the guys house is on fire and he's walking into a sweet shop. Could be wrong though.

 

I didn't get it either but if this is correct then it's still not funny :lol:

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Blackcurrent Jambo

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
He says, "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up. "It's a ****ing what?

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I P Knightley

I was going to tell someone one of your jokes but they appear to have disappeared. Grannies must be off limits!!

It's all just fun. I'd never seriously consider trying anything on with Granny. 

 

My sister should start dressing a bit more conservatively, though.

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Wee boy in the bath with his mum...

 

"Mum, what's that?"

 

"What's what?"

 

"That down there! What's that?"

 

"Oh that. That's, eh.....thats where God hit me with an axe"

 

"Oh ya ****er, right in the *****!"

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A Glaswegian walks into a baker and points at a cake.

 

"Is that a macaroon, or a meringue?"

 

"No, you're correct - it's a macaroon"

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An American and a Scot are working for the Red Cross in Syria. The American says "Where you from buddy?" To which the Scot says "I'm from Glasgow."

 

"Glasgow? What state is that in?" Asks the American, to which the Scot replies

 

"After an Old Firm game it's in the same state as this place."

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Wee girl walks in on her dad in the shower.

 

"What's that dad?"

 

"That's my hedgehog."

 

"It's got a hoor of a **** on it for a hedgehog"

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jamboinglasgow

A Mother, father and daughter are at the zoo, while there it ends up with the mother and daughter at the Rhino exhibit. Suddenly the Rhino sprouts a massive erection, the wee girl turns to her Mum and asks "Mum whats that?" The mother all embarrassed says "er...its nothing dear." And they go on.

 

Later the daughter is back outside the Rhino exhibition but this time with the Dad. Again the Rhino gets an erection and the girl again asks her Dad, "Dad whats that." The father not too sure what to say but knowing his wife and daughter were there earlier asks "what did your mother say?" to which the daughter replied "she said it was nothing." To which the Dad replied "well, she's been spoiled."

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I remember a science convention thing and Neil Armstrong was there. He got asked if he had any jokes about the moon. And he told one and nobody seemed to get it. He responded with, 'ah, you had to have been there' :laugh:

 

Also think this if funny -

 

what-do-we-want-time-travel-when-do-we-w

Edited by Brandt
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Cairneyhill Jambo

I was watching TV last night and the wife comes down and says "I just fell down the stairs. did you not hear me?"

 

I replied "Sorry honey, I just thought it was the start of Eastenders".
 

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Bloke walks into a fishmonger with a salmon under his arm.

 

He says to the fishmonger.....

 

Do you sell Fishcakes here?

 

Yes sir.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday

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Two snakes slithering through the jungle.

 

Small one says.........

 

Dad, are we venomous snakes or constrictors?

 

Thats strange son, why do you ask?

 

Cos I've just bitten my lip.

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My Gran always used to trot this joke out to me when I was little:

 

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?

 

You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo.

 

Always made her laugh. She was senile at the time though sadly.  

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Two cows in a field...

 

Cow1: MOO!

 

Cow2: I was JUST about to say that!!

Edited by madvladsdad
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Rudolf's Mate

I was watching TV last night and the wife comes down and says "I just fell down the stairs. did you not hear me?"

 

I replied "Sorry honey, I just thought it was the start of Eastenders".

 

:lol:

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Guy wakes up one morning in his house in Los Angeles to hear a voice saying "Get up....get up now". Looks around but cant see anyone. Voice says "Get dressed right now". Guy realises voice is in his head. Tries to ignore it but it just keeps on at him..." Get dressed....Get dressed now"...so he succumbs to it and gets dressed. Voice says "Get in your car and drive to the bank right now". So he jumps in his car and speeds down to his local branch. Pulls up outside and this time the voice says "Go into the bank and empty your account and all your savings...every cent". Guy does just this and is standing outside the bank with $34,000 dollars....

all the money he has. Voice says "Get back in your car and drive straight to Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Don't stop till you get there". Again the guy decides to do what the voice in his head says and drives straight to Las Vegas and parks outside the casino. Voice in his head goes "Walk into the casino and stop at the fifth roulette table you see". Guy walks into the casino and counts up the roulette tables until he reaches the fifth table.

 

It's all silent for a moment and then the voice in his head speaks "On the next spin put all your money on number 27...all of it"

 

Next spin comes around and the guy puts all of the $34,000 on number 27 and waits. The wheel spins round.....the ball clattering around inside it.....starts to slow and then eventually the ball settles.......in.....number 28.

 

 

Guy stands there fixated on the roulette wheel.......and then the voice in his head goes.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"F*****************************k!"

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King Of The Cat Cafe

A polar bear and his son are standing on an ice flow in deepest, coldest Canada when the son says:

Dad, are we brown bears?

No son, we are not.

Dad, are we black bears?

No son, we are not.

Dad, are we koala bears?

No son, we are not. But why do you ask?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because I'm flipping freezing....

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I P Knightley

Super Geek/Mathematician joke alert:

 

 

Q: What does the initial B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot?

 

A: Benoit B Mandelbrot

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maroonlegions

So a drunk staggers into a Catholic church , enters a confession booth, sits down but says nothing.The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to just sit there and say nothing.Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles ,"aint no use knocking!  There"s no paper on this side either.

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Police knock on a mans door and say "we're sorry to say, but it looks like your wife has been in an accident".

The fella replies "aye, but she's got a cracking personality!"

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Police knock on a mans door and say "we're sorry to say, but it looks like your wife has been in an accident".

The fella replies "aye, but she's got a cracking personality!"

:lol:

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