Robbo-Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 A lorry load of Viagra has been stolen by the seven dwarfs . The police are on the lookout for a bunch of wee hard men !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. <br style=""> <br style=""> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 My ex-girlfriend is a gorgeous Eastern European. We split up though as we would row about the housework. It took her hours to hoover our flat. She's a Slovak... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." <br style=""> <br style=""> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 A train ran over my feet yesterday. Serves me right for wearing platforms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Merse Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 An oldie but still find it quite funny: Scotsman, Englishman & Irishman are doing their training to get into the SAS. For their final task the SAS leader hands them a gun and tells them they have to go down to the cabin where their family are staying and shoot them. The Scotsman goes down to the cabin, comes back 15 minutes later crying and says he couldn't do it, so he is sent on his way home. The Englishman also goes down and comes back unable to do it. The Irishman goes down and returns an hour later, the SAS boss asks him why he has been so long. The Irishman replies "some fecking eejit put blanks in the gun so I had to bloody strangle them all to death." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Doctor, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." <br style=""> <br style=""> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Whittaker's Tache Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Salesman knocks on a door - its opened by a ten-year-old kid. He's wearing a cocktail dress, feather boa, high heels, and tiara. His face is fully made up: mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, the lot. In his left hand he has a martini, in his right a cigarette. Salesman asks: "Is your mum home?" The kid looks down at himself, then says "What the feck do you think?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 I phoned the local chinese takeaway the other day. I said "do you deliver" the wee chinese guy on the end of phone said "no, we do pork, chicken, beef or duck" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 A pyschic midget has escaped from prison. Police are looking for a small medium at large. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 I know these are not strictly jokes but have a read all the same and if you don't laugh at some of them it is time for you to head to the pub. They come from complaint letters sent to councils. Some are just priceless. 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off. 6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His ****** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction. 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Two Muslims have exploded during gay sex. Police think it was a suicide bumming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HMFC4ME Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 A man walks into a bakery after seeing the sign outside that reads all cakes ?1. Man points to a cake and asks: how much is that? Shopkeeper:"That's a Victoria Sponge, its ?1" Man: "OK, what about that one" Shopkeeper:"That's a Battenburg, ?1" Man:"hmmm, now what about that other one?" Shopkeeper:"Thats ?2" Man:"What!?, the sign says ?1 a cake" Shopkeeper"Yes, But thats Madeira cake" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigieboy Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 PC World asked me if I have ever disabled my cookies. I said no, but I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Author Share Posted November 19, 2010 Two Muslims have exploded during gay sex. Police think it was a suicide bumming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 PC World asked me if I have ever disabled my cookies. I said no, but I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man. That reminds me of when I went for a job as a farrier. The guys asked 'Have you ever shooed a horse?' I said 'No, but I once told a donkey to **** off' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mid Calder Jambo Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, , 'Well, that was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Le Chat Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Two Muslims have exploded during gay sex. Police think it was a suicide bumming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big D Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Rookie polis calls in to report an incident. "Sergeant there's like pure some black guy jiggin' on the bonnet of a motor." The sergeant says, "use the proper police language officer." "OK. Zulu, tango, sierra." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambo_No5 Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Need your advice. Been offered 8 legs of venison for ?40. Is that two deer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RosscoC Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Kate Middleton - the first person to squeeze into diana's ring since dodi al fayed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Bishop Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 5 Celtic fans walking down the road, a thief, a terrorist, a liar and a smelly ^^^^. I'm not even going to try and describe the other four! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frankie Pal Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 2 Yanks in a restaurant in Glasgow. One Yank says to the waitress, "Could we have 2 horse steaks please?" The waitress says, "Sorry, we don't eat horse here" The Yanks says, "So how come that guy over there asked for mare soup?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angry Haggis Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Just got a new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs........ The birds love it. :ninja: :ninja: :ninja: :ninja: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rathie83 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Why did the baker have brown hands?.....He kneaded a jobby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomstick Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 What's the definition of indefinitely? When my balls are banging off your arse I'm in. Definitely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 two flies on a jobbie! one farted and the other one says "for fecks sake george not while im eating"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest juvehearts Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 i bought a christmas tree last week the sales clerk asked if i was putting it up myself? i told her no you sick barsteward its going up in the living room Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quagmire Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 what did one hat say to the other hat? "you wait here, i'll go on a head" what do you call a gay dinosaur? megasoreass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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