A Christmas tale ...

[Morgan]

.... Christmas nights out that didn’t quite end the way you thought they would..

 

Everyone must have one, a Christmas night (or day) out that ended either embarrassingly, successfully (you know what I mean ) or disastrously.

 

I’ve had at least four, the most erm.. memorable being..

 

Waking up about 4 in the morning inside the Police box outside the main door of the Cafe Royal.  Christ only knows how I got there, and why it was open anyway. 🤷🏿‍♂️

 

And..

 

After being married for three and a half years, I ‘forgot’ I was married and went home to my mums.  

 

Yours?

 

 

 

 

[Tazio]

I could write a book on this one. Our work meal used to start at around noon and keep going until the last person dropped. 
The one that always gets brought up to take the piss out of me goes as follows. It’s quite long.
We’d done the pre-meal drinks, wine with the meal, the traditional visit to the Filling Station for cheap cocktails, then went to Black Bo’s for more booze and a game of pool. We’d taken over the pool room and were having a grand old time playing slow drunk pool with lots of laughs when a couple of full on butch lesbians turned up. The objected to not getting a shot of the table and got pretty mouthy with us. So we decided to just leave them to it and headed upstairs to the bar. I knew we were drunk as my mate was talking to the cigarette machine at one point complimenting it on it’s looks! I needed a pee but as I went down to the toilets and said as a joke “I was going down to the pool table to have it out with the lesbians.” Obviously not the case, but on the way upstairs I slipped on a wet stone step on the stairs and headbutted the edge of it hard and split my eyebrow open. Such a wide cut I could fit my finger in it. 
So when I arrived back at the bar with blood all over my face they all thought I’d been lamped with a pool cue. I quickly explained I’d fallen and despite being told I should go to hospital I decided another pint would be the best course of action. Amazingly the barmaid served me but said she was a nurse and gave me a towel full of ice to put on the cut. She then explained I needed stitches but was so drunk they may not give me painkillers for the stitching so another pint wouldn’t hurt. None of my workmates believed this until she had to come over and allay their worries. 
Nine stitches later I’m doing the drunk thing of shaking the doctors hand and thanking him for a lovely job. 
There are other years almost as bad but that was my only hospitalisation.  

[martoon]

8 minutes ago, Tazio said:

I could write a book on this one. Our work meal used to start at around noon and keep going until the last person dropped. 
The one that always gets brought up to take the piss out of me goes as follows. It’s quite long.
We’d done the pre-meal drinks, wine with the meal, the traditional visit to the Filling Station for cheap cocktails, then went to Black Bo’s for more booze and a game of pool. We’d taken over the pool room and were having a grand old time playing slow drunk pool with lots of laughs when a couple of full on butch lesbians turned up. The objected to not getting a shot of the table and got pretty mouthy with us. So we decided to just leave them to it and headed upstairs to the bar. I knew we were drunk as my mate was talking to the cigarette machine at one point complimenting it on it’s looks! I needed a pee but as I went down to the toilets and said as a joke “I was going down to the pool table to have it out with the lesbians.” Obviously not the case, but on the way upstairs I slipped on a wet stone step on the stairs and headbutted the edge of it hard and split my eyebrow open. Such a wide cut I could fit my finger in it. 
So when I arrived back at the bar with blood all over my face they all thought I’d been lamped with a pool cue. I quickly explained I’d fallen and despite being told I should go to hospital I decided another pint would be the best course of action. Amazingly the barmaid served me but said she was a nurse and gave me a towel full of ice to put on the cut. She then explained I needed stitches but was so drunk they may not give me painkillers for the stitching so another pint wouldn’t hurt. None of my workmates believed this until she had to come over and allay their worries. 
Nine stitches later I’m doing the drunk thing of shaking the doctors hand and thanking him for a lovely job. 
There are other years almost as bad but that was my only hospitalisation.  

 

😄

 

Next years fluffy Christmas Eve drama on the BBC, is my guess.

 

Main cast:

 

Taz: ?

Butch lesbian #1: ?

Butch lesbian #2: ?

Barmaid: ?

 

 

[Tazio]

9 minutes ago, martoon said:

 

😄

 

Next years fluffy Christmas Eve drama on the BBC, is my guess.

 

Main cast:

 

Taz: ?

Butch lesbian #1: ?

Butch lesbian #2: ?

Barmaid: ?

 

 

Aidan McGeady and Leigh Griffiths as the lesbians. 

[Ulysses]

30 minutes ago, Tazio said:

I could write a book on this one. Our work meal used to start at around noon and keep going until the last person dropped. 
The one that always gets brought up to take the piss out of me goes as follows. It’s quite long.
We’d done the pre-meal drinks, wine with the meal, the traditional visit to the Filling Station for cheap cocktails, then went to Black Bo’s for more booze and a game of pool. We’d taken over the pool room and were having a grand old time playing slow drunk pool with lots of laughs when a couple of full on butch lesbians turned up. The objected to not getting a shot of the table and got pretty mouthy with us. So we decided to just leave them to it and headed upstairs to the bar. I knew we were drunk as my mate was talking to the cigarette machine at one point complimenting it on it’s looks! I needed a pee but as I went down to the toilets and said as a joke “I was going down to the pool table to have it out with the lesbians.” Obviously not the case, but on the way upstairs I slipped on a wet stone step on the stairs and headbutted the edge of it hard and split my eyebrow open. Such a wide cut I could fit my finger in it. 
So when I arrived back at the bar with blood all over my face they all thought I’d been lamped with a pool cue. I quickly explained I’d fallen and despite being told I should go to hospital I decided another pint would be the best course of action. Amazingly the barmaid served me but said she was a nurse and gave me a towel full of ice to put on the cut. She then explained I needed stitches but was so drunk they may not give me painkillers for the stitching so another pint wouldn’t hurt. None of my workmates believed this until she had to come over and allay their worries. 
Nine stitches later I’m doing the drunk thing of shaking the doctors hand and thanking him for a lovely job. 
There are other years almost as bad but that was my only hospitalisation.  

 

[martoon]

23 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Aidan McGeady and Leigh Griffiths as the lesbians. 

 

[John Findlay]

Christmas Eve 1988. I was in Mombasa Kenya, as that was where my ship Hms Andromeda was having our two weeks R&R. Anyways having started a party down our messdeck, someone had the bright idea we should attend midnight mass( I'm not sure it took place at midnight itself), about half a dozen of us trotted off to the church, I had never actually been to a midnight mass before. Anyways we arrive at the church, and I actually think I was the only Catholic amongst us, so the rest of the guys are taking their lead from me.

I dip my fingers in the holy water, the rest follow suit, apart from one guy who decides its for washing his face in an attempt to sober himself up a wee bit.

I won't name this guy as he is now the CEO of the UK of this worldwide company. Anyways his doing this gets us some odd looks. I decide against going to the pews right at the front and go halfway down the aisle. Kneel make the sign of the cross and go and sit down. Next minute there is an almighty crash and a shout of **** ME THAT ****ING HURT. This lad Ian Vincent 

Whilst kneeling, stumbled and had gone srse over tit and landed banging his head of the pew in front of us. They are made of very solid wood. Although he didn't bleed, he did have a lump the size of an egg on his forehead above his left eye.

Anyway the mass starts and we join in the singing of the carols with a fair bit of gusto, as in a tad loud. By this time the priest is giving us the odd glance or two with the look of disapproval on his face. Some of the local congregation are giving us glances of disapproval too.

It comes to taking communion.

The Cup with the Red wine representing the blood of Christ is passed along where you are meant to take a little sip and give to the person next to you. It reaches me and the cup is empty. Thinking fast, I pretend to take a sip and hand it back to the priest, who sees it is empty and gives me a total look of disgust, and thinks I've polished it off. He has to refill it to continue this act of the communion.

Next it is the bread, representing the body of christ. Now unlike here in the UK where you get little round white discs where you could up for the priest to put on your tongue, or you took in your right hand and put the white disc in your mouth yourself, this was an actual loaf of bread where people where breaking a little piece off and putting in their mouths. Needless to say when it reached the pew we were sat in. It never got past the first guy, a bloke called Lenny Lyons as he just stuffed the whole lot in a oner in his mouth and started chewing on it. As he explained the next day. I was hungry.

This was the final straw for the priest and we weren't asked, we were ordered out of his church, he had a few big burly locals to back him up.

So I can claim along with five others to have being thrown out of a midnight mass.

 

[Салатные палочки]

Slapped (quite rightly) for touching a girls arse and then falling in someone's mums downstairs toilet that inexplicably had wee ornaments on wee shelves all around the pan and then getting chucked out the house wasn't my proudest moment. I had the fear right through the Christmas period. 

 

That was a BYOB Christmas Party and I was walking around necking JD straight out the bottle at the end. Disgusting behaviour. 

[Sooperstar]

13 hours ago, Tazio said:

Aidan McGeady and Leigh Griffiths as the lesbians. 

I thought you said they were butch.

[Bull's-eye]

Long time ago in the distance far away. . . 😃

 

Think it was my 17th Xmas and I was already out on the piss most nights and getting in at all hours if at all.

 

About a week before Xmas my parents put the foot down and I was told in no uncertain terms to stop treating the house like a hotel and they where giving me warning that on Xmas Eve, knowing I was going out, the door would be bolted at midnight and if I didn't get in before then, make other arrangements for Xmas day.

 

Didn't really believe them tbf . .

 

So . .

Being your average smart arse I devised a system of flicking the latch on the Dining room window which was a big 4 foot square sash before I went out. I cleverly positioned a spade which I could lever under the window frame.

 

So . . . Xmas Eve, I'm going out and was told to be home by midnight, no ifs, no buts. Door would be bolted.

 

No idea when I got home, key in the lock, door bolted.

Plan B 😀

 

Grabbed the spade, slowly inched it under the window frame, I could see the lock still open, I got it up about an inch and then 'crack'. It cracked vertically from one corner to the other. Ffs.

I got it up and snuck in and hit the sack.

 

Next morning in my drunken stuper I'd pretty much forgotten all about it until Dinner was called.

The net curtain disguised my wrong doing quite well but I had to sit there for hours waiting for the inevitable. It never came. I got away with it and it was never mentioned.

 

My conscience was in tatters and about 10 years later I finally broke and confessed one late evening over a bottle of Scotch with my father.

 

He pointed out they all knew about it, the noise and my swearing, throwing the shovel into the road and falling up the stairs at 4am gave the game away but mother didn't know and it would have broken her heart me ruining Xmas day, so everyone kept schtoom.

 

Still shake my head about it !!!

 

 

[Morgan]

15 hours ago, Tazio said:

I could write a book on this one. Our work meal used to start at around noon and keep going until the last person dropped. 
The one that always gets brought up to take the piss out of me goes as follows. It’s quite long.
We’d done the pre-meal drinks, wine with the meal, the traditional visit to the Filling Station for cheap cocktails, then went to Black Bo’s for more booze and a game of pool. We’d taken over the pool room and were having a grand old time playing slow drunk pool with lots of laughs when a couple of full on butch lesbians turned up. The objected to not getting a shot of the table and got pretty mouthy with us. So we decided to just leave them to it and headed upstairs to the bar. I knew we were drunk as my mate was talking to the cigarette machine at one point complimenting it on it’s looks! I needed a pee but as I went down to the toilets and said as a joke “I was going down to the pool table to have it out with the lesbians.” Obviously not the case, but on the way upstairs I slipped on a wet stone step on the stairs and headbutted the edge of it hard and split my eyebrow open. Such a wide cut I could fit my finger in it. 
So when I arrived back at the bar with blood all over my face they all thought I’d been lamped with a pool cue. I quickly explained I’d fallen and despite being told I should go to hospital I decided another pint would be the best course of action. Amazingly the barmaid served me but said she was a nurse and gave me a towel full of ice to put on the cut. She then explained I needed stitches but was so drunk they may not give me painkillers for the stitching so another pint wouldn’t hurt. None of my workmates believed this until she had to come over and allay their worries. 
Nine stitches later I’m doing the drunk thing of shaking the doctors hand and thanking him for a lovely job. 
There are other years almost as bad but that was my only hospitalisation.  

Feck me!  😀

 

Thats the sort of thing I was looking for.

[ri Alban]

Too many.

[tightrope]

2 hours ago, Salad Fingers said:

Slapped (quite rightly) for touching a girls arse and then falling in someone's mums downstairs toilet that inexplicably had wee ornaments on wee shelves all around the pan and then getting chucked out the house wasn't my proudest moment. I had the fear right through the Christmas period. 

 

That was a BYOB Christmas Party and I was walking around necking JD straight out the bottle at the end. Disgusting behaviour. 

Know a guy who got five months and put on the sex offenders register for feeling a females derriere in the cav. Be carefull out there, times have changed. To be fair he had done time before.....but five months 😮

[Салатные палочки]

16 minutes ago, tightrope said:

Know a guy who got five months and put on the sex offenders register for feeling a females derriere in the cav. Be carefull out there, times have changed. To be fair he had done time before.....but five months 😮

 

I heard similar when I worked next to the Criminal Justice team. Guys thinking a playful wee pinch on the arse was acceptable. I was absolutely shiting myself for weeks afterwards. Thankfully the girl knew I was wrecked (no excuse) and felt a slap was sufficient. 

 

I was young, stupid and it was a disgusting condition to get into and an unacceptable act. 

[John Findlay]

17 minutes ago, jonnothejambo said:

 

 

Jings John. You would need a few visits to confession to be absolved from that carnage.

Never been in a confession box in my life, and have no intention of ever going in one.

[tightrope]

37 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

I heard similar when I worked next to the Criminal Justice team. Guys thinking a playful wee pinch on the arse was acceptable. I was absolutely shiting myself for weeks afterwards. Thankfully the girl knew I was wrecked (no excuse) and felt a slap was sufficient. 

 

I was young, stupid and it was a disgusting condition to get into and an unacceptable act. 

Make sure she is unconscious first, be safe out there. 😂

[John Findlay]

2 hours ago, Bull's-eye said:

Long time ago in the distance far away. . . 😃

 

Think it was my 17th Xmas and I was already out on the piss most nights and getting in at all hours if at all.

 

About a week before Xmas my parents put the foot down and I was told in no uncertain terms to stop treating the house like a hotel and they where giving me warning that on Xmas Eve, knowing I was going out, the door would be bolted at midnight and if I didn't get in before then, make other arrangements for Xmas day.

 

Didn't really believe them tbf . .

 

So . .

Being your average smart arse I devised a system of flicking the latch on the Dining room window which was a big 4 foot square sash before I went out. I cleverly positioned a spade which I could lever under the window frame.

 

So . . . Xmas Eve, I'm going out and was told to be home by midnight, no ifs, no buts. Door would be bolted.

 

No idea when I got home, key in the lock, door bolted.

Plan B 😀

 

Grabbed the spade, slowly inched it under the window frame, I could see the lock still open, I got it up about an inch and then 'crack'. It cracked vertically from one corner to the other. Ffs.

I got it up and snuck in and hit the sack.

 

Next morning in my drunken stuper I'd pretty much forgotten all about it until Dinner was called.

The net curtain disguised my wrong doing quite well but I had to sit there for hours waiting for the inevitable. It never came. I got away with it and it was never mentioned.

 

My conscience was in tatters and about 10 years later I finally broke and confessed one late evening over a bottle of Scotch with my father.

 

He pointed out they all knew about it, the noise and my swearing, throwing the shovel into the road and falling up the stairs at 4am gave the game away but mother didn't know and it would have broken her heart me ruining Xmas day, so everyone kept schtoom.

 

Still shake my head about it !!!

 

 

You wicked boy you😉

[John Findlay]

7 minutes ago, jonnothejambo said:

 

I'm not Catholic but when we were over in Ireland (Middleton near Cork) I went into a huge church and wandered around but I didn't fancy looking into one of the boxes in case the priest was there

 

☺

[Bull's-eye]

2 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

You wicked boy you😉

 

Some story's ain't for public consumption.

 

Thats the one that is John 😀

[Morgan]

1 hour ago, ri Alban said:

Too many.

 

You've been quiet recently, ri.

 

All ok?

[ri Alban]

1 minute ago, Morgan said:

 

You've been quiet recently, ri.

 

All ok?

👍 Sound, bud. Yourself?

[Morgan]

2 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

👍 Sound, bud. Yourself?

Aye, doing away.

 

Could be better but could be worse.

 

 

[ri Alban]

7 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Aye, doing away.

 

Could be better but could be worse.

 

 

 Santa's coming.

[Sharpie]

This will be about my eighty sixth Christmas. Always a time of good family memories. As a wee boy my presents on faithers fireside chair, and my sisters on Maws. Faither getting ready for work as Christmas was still not a Scottish holiday, and the wee wrapper with his new annual pair of dress socks on the table beside his porridge plate.

Graduated to the position of Faither. In Canada, big tree, gifts wrapped under the tree. Bicycle, for Robert, clothes and requested gifts for Deborah, big Christmas dinner. Later years Christmas with the grandchildren.

Christmas later, Esther and I in Kelowna, granddaughter Hayley comes drops in from Toronto where she is at university and has dinner, the joy of her Grannies life. Robert has to work, and travel by road is always risky in the winter, so long distance phone calls.

Last two or three years just Esther and I, couple of gifts, excellent dinner, fire on and a few glasses of a nice wine. Last year alone, broken hearted , this year again alone but not a problem its just another day, but quiet ,no stores open etc. I will spend my time watching TV, reading, and now no longer a drinker, I will just sit back, and think and be thankful for all the beautiful Christmases I have had, and give my thanks for the wonderful birth family I had, for the wife and daughter I was again blessed to have, and the son who has been a stalwart for me, and the brief memory of a song that has the words "they cannot take this away from me". Have a wonderful Christmas guys,  Sharpie.

[J.T.F.Robertson]

3 minutes ago, Sharpie said:

This will be about my eighty sixth Christmas. Always a time of good family memories. As a wee boy my presents on faithers fireside chair, and my sisters on Maws. Faither getting ready for work as Christmas was still not a Scottish holiday, and the wee wrapper with his new annual pair of dress socks on the table beside his porridge plate.

Graduated to the position of Faither. In Canada, big tree, gifts wrapped under the tree. Bicycle, for Robert, clothes and requested gifts for Deborah, big Christmas dinner. Later years Christmas with the grandchildren.

Christmas later, Esther and I in Kelowna, granddaughter Hayley comes drops in from Toronto where she is at university and has dinner, the joy of her Grannies life. Robert has to work, and travel by road is always risky in the winter, so long distance phone calls.

Last two or three years just Esther and I, couple of gifts, excellent dinner, fire on and a few glasses of a nice wine. Last year alone, broken hearted , this year again alone but not a problem its just another day, but quiet ,no stores open etc. I will spend my time watching TV, reading, and now no longer a drinker, I will just sit back, and think and be thankful for all the beautiful Christmases I have had, and give my thanks for the wonderful birth family I had, for the wife and daughter I was again blessed to have, and the son who has been a stalwart for me, and the brief memory of a song that has the words "they cannot take this away from me". Have a wonderful Christmas guys,  Sharpie.

 

All the best from both of us anyway, Bob. Wish I could offer more.

 

[John Findlay]

17 minutes ago, Sharpie said:

This will be about my eighty sixth Christmas. Always a time of good family memories. As a wee boy my presents on faithers fireside chair, and my sisters on Maws. Faither getting ready for work as Christmas was still not a Scottish holiday, and the wee wrapper with his new annual pair of dress socks on the table beside his porridge plate.

Graduated to the position of Faither. In Canada, big tree, gifts wrapped under the tree. Bicycle, for Robert, clothes and requested gifts for Deborah, big Christmas dinner. Later years Christmas with the grandchildren.

Christmas later, Esther and I in Kelowna, granddaughter Hayley comes drops in from Toronto where she is at university and has dinner, the joy of her Grannies life. Robert has to work, and travel by road is always risky in the winter, so long distance phone calls.

Last two or three years just Esther and I, couple of gifts, excellent dinner, fire on and a few glasses of a nice wine. Last year alone, broken hearted , this year again alone but not a problem its just another day, but quiet ,no stores open etc. I will spend my time watching TV, reading, and now no longer a drinker, I will just sit back, and think and be thankful for all the beautiful Christmases I have had, and give my thanks for the wonderful birth family I had, for the wife and daughter I was again blessed to have, and the son who has been a stalwart for me, and the brief memory of a song that has the words "they cannot take this away from me". Have a wonderful Christmas guys,  Sharpie.

👏👏👏👏

[Sharpie]

1 hour ago, J.T.F.Robertson said:

 

All the best from both of us anyway, Bob. Wish I could offer more.

 

 No need Jim I appreciate your offer, but I am content with what I have and what I have had. No sadness the memories are too positive. To be honest after I got my gifts, the rest was a bit of pest.

 

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by Sharpie

[Angry Haggis]

17 hours ago, tightrope said:

Know a guy who got five months and put on the sex offenders register for feeling a females derriere in the cav. Be carefull out there, times have changed. To be fair he had done time before.....but five months 😮

John Leslie?