Cade Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy' -------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' That was nice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know , I've been ill' --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Spackler Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 A woman calls 999 in the throws of labour "Please help my waters have just broken" "OK calm down, where are you ringing from?" "The waist down" Don't think that was Tommy Cooper but similar to one listed there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pistol1874 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Cheer mate, I enjoyed those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Most of these aren't Tommy Cooper jokes, they're Tim Vine jokes, they were wrongly attributed to Tommy Cooper on an email that did the rounds a couple of years ago. They're good jokes though so I don't suppose it matters. http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phage Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Egg Spoon Egg Spoon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.