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Jambomuzz

Access to children after split

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Jambomuzz

I have been split from my ex partner for 1 year now, and while I have never been refused access for any longer than a week or so, it has now come to the point where I am tired of my daughter being used as weapon whenever she hears something that’s going on in my life with my new partner. I believe it’s time to make the informal arrangement we have now formal, so I can move on with my life without worrying about losing access to my daughter.

However I don’t really know where to start, I’m in a position where I can’t afford a lawyer and make too much to qualify for legal aid. I was told that I could represent myself, and that I would first need to draft a letter and and send it recorded delivery and wait a for a reaponse, be it positive or negative. I do not know where to go from there. 

Does anyone have experience with this kind of situation? 

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will-i-am-a-jambo

Sorry to hear that chief. I have a similar story (although lm not on the birth certificate Im assuming you do?) Was similar to you re the financial thing. I tried the lawyers at first but they made things worse and was paying a fortune and getting no where. We tried mediation and things have improved a lot although still not exactly to my liking it's better than before (l didn't see my child for a year). I would try mediation first then if it gets too bad go to the courts as a last resort. The courts may require you to try mediation first at least you can say you tried to be amicable. Definitely go down the positive route say all the good things you do with and for your child e.g. Quality time like going to the park or whatever you do together etc, any savings you make for the child, any child maintenance payments you make. Try not to bad mouth the mother as it will likely make it worse. Try record everything and l mean everything, receipts, texts, letters etc. It's sad that she's using the child as an emotional weapon, not healthy for the child. Last piece of advice make sure what you say or do is for the benefit of the child and it should go down well. Good luck.

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will-i-am-a-jambo

Ps l've heard stories of guys representing themselves in court, they said it was hard not to get emotional but saved them a fortune in fees. Make sure you do your homework though. It also depends on how easy you find/confident you feel  to stand up in court and give your viewpoint.

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chester copperpot

I had to sign over my half of a mortgage free home for her to promise never to deny me access to my kids.

 

Cost me around 100k to do so and have had to start all over again however I have this agreement typed up by a lawyer so if she was ever to **** around with me then I have that as back up. I wanted as little disruption to my kids lives as possible when we split up. I went through some really bad times both financially and emotionally but fair play to the ex, she has kept to.her promises but I still have to fit around all her plans etc but I am just doing so to be the better person and still see my kids too. I also have to do all the driving to and from seeing them. I get them most weekends and school holidays so get plenty of time with them.

 

It's a tough road ahead mate but would just say stay positive and never bad mouth her in front of the kids. The kids will know how badly you have been affected once they grow up a bit. Been separated 6 and a half years now, getting remarried next October and with a fantastic Mrs now. My kids love her to bits and couldn't be happier. Things will improve and the biggest thing I can advise is always be positive about their mum. She can say all the shit in the world about you, but don't you do the same. 

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Sharky999
4 hours ago, will-i-am-a-jambo said:

Sorry to hear that chief. I have a similar story (although lm not on the birth certificate Im assuming you do?) Was similar to you re the financial thing. I tried the lawyers at first but they made things worse and was paying a fortune and getting no where. We tried mediation and things have improved a lot although still not exactly to my liking it's better than before (l didn't see my child for a year). I would try mediation first then if it gets too bad go to the courts as a last resort. The courts may require you to try mediation first at least you can say you tried to be amicable. Definitely go down the positive route say all the good things you do with and for your child e.g. Quality time like going to the park or whatever you do together etc, any savings you make for the child, any child maintenance payments you make. Try not to bad mouth the mother as it will likely make it worse. Try record everything and l mean everything, receipts, texts, letters etc. It's sad that she's using the child as an emotional weapon, not healthy for the child. Last piece of advice make sure what you say or do is for the benefit of the child and it should go down well. Good luck.

 

Very similar position to me in the past, definitely try mediation, if it did go to court it will go in your favour showing you have tried other means before the legal perspective. 

As above document things that happen, i did for 3 years. The one down side is that even if there was a court order if she decides not to adhere to it its a pain in the arse process to follow it up, i dont speak from my own knolwedge on this point but an ex colleague.

 

Mediation changed my world, it showed her up for how spiteful and manipulative she was being with my daugher to get back at me. After a couole if sessiins I got everything i asked for and i owe  a lot of this due to her partner being a very reasonable guy.

 Its not free but its a hell of a lit less costly than a lawyer.

We now have a reasonable realtionship.

 

Good luck, and keep the heid at all times 👍

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IronJambo

From what I've seen in the past it's a waste of time and money getting a solicitor involved. You might get a formal agreement but it'll cost you a hefty wedge and it still won't stop your ex reneging on any agreement as there's little or no consequence to it. There are easy get outs on your ex's end.

 

"Florence isn't feeling too well so won't be coming to yours this weekend"

"Florence has 3 birthday parties to go to this weekend so it's best she stays with me".

 

The excuses don't run dry and a solicitors letter doesn't do anything other then cost you money.

 

I don't understand these women that make things difficult though, I'd love to have someone to chuck my boy at every other weekend.

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Rab87

Can't offer any advice, but all I can say, is good luck.

 

Sounds like a horrible position to be in.

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will-i-am-a-jambo
13 hours ago, Sharky999 said:

 

Very similar position to me in the past, definitely try mediation, if it did go to court it will go in your favour showing you have tried other means before the legal perspective. 

As above document things that happen, i did for 3 years. The one down side is that even if there was a court order if she decides not to adhere to it its a pain in the arse process to follow it up, i dont speak from my own knolwedge on this point but an ex colleague.

 

Mediation changed my world, it showed her up for how spiteful and manipulative she was being with my daugher to get back at me. After a couole if sessiins I got everything i asked for and i owe  a lot of this due to her partner being a very reasonable guy.

 Its not free but its a hell of a lit less costly than a lawyer.

We now have a reasonable realtionship.

 

Good luck, and keep the heid at all times 👍

 

Same as me, the mediation was hard at times as she was lying throughout but it showed how manipulative she was (and still is to a certain degree). The classic was 'why aren't you writing anything down l tell you about our daughter' and literally later in the same session l started to make notes and she then said 'what are you writing down that for?' I realised then that everything l did according to her was wrong, l couldnt 'win' regardless of what l did. Thankfully it's mostly in the past now however lm still afraid to ask for anything out the ordinary like extra time with my daughter or say anything that 'might upset her' (the mother) in case she takes the child away from me again. This is the hold she has over me and knows it. I have no legal right to access as l was denied my name on the birth certificate since my daughters birth, my daughter is now 5. There's no reason for her not to put my name on it she does it so she gets her own way.  The sad thing is it's really the child that suffers not the parents.

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robroy1874

Suggest you contact Families Need Fathers (they have an office in Edinburgh near Haymarket) and go and see them (Ian Maxwell) - they are a proper organisation and give sound advice and support (not the ones that climb the Scott Monument wearing a Batman costume). They can even recommend a lay person to attend Court with you to lend moral support

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PTBCAL

Two things are very key here.

 

Keep your conversations with your Ex civil - never get into a slanging match regardless how angry you get and always pay any maintenance on time regardless if you get access or not.

 

This would work in your favour hugely if the courts get involved down the line.

 

it did for me.

 

Good luck 👍

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will-i-am-a-jambo
1 hour ago, PTBCAL said:

Two things are very key here.

 

Keep your conversations with your Ex civil - never get into a slanging match regardless how angry you get and always pay any maintenance on time regardless if you get access or not.

 

This would work in your favour hugely if the courts get involved down the line.

 

it did for me.

 

Good luck 👍

 

Totally agree with this. I kept paying the maintenance even though l didn't see my child for a year. The way to look at it is, the money is for the child (and not for the mother). Agree also try to keep it civil, you can't control what the mother will say about you to your child but if you show kindness and keep it civil to the mother it will stand you in good stead in the future especially with your relationship with your child. Try to keep focus on what is right for the child. All the best. Will

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obua
1 hour ago, PTBCAL said:

Two things are very key here.

 

Keep your conversations with your Ex civil - never get into a slanging match regardless how angry you get and always pay any maintenance on time regardless if you get access or not.

 

This would work in your favour hugely if the courts get involved down the line.

 

it did for me.

 

Good luck 👍

I agree with this,also keep receipts and NEVER pay maintenance in cash I ended up having to pay it twice.

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The Mighty Thor
On 07/12/2018 at 00:07, chester copperpot said:

I had to sign over my half of a mortgage free home for her to promise never to deny me access to my kids.

 

Cost me around 100k to do so and have had to start all over again however I have this agreement typed up by a lawyer so if she was ever to **** around with me then I have that as back up. I wanted as little disruption to my kids lives as possible when we split up. I went through some really bad times both financially and emotionally but fair play to the ex, she has kept to.her promises but I still have to fit around all her plans etc but I am just doing so to be the better person and still see my kids too. I also have to do all the driving to and from seeing them. I get them most weekends and school holidays so get plenty of time with them.

 

It's a tough road ahead mate but would just say stay positive and never bad mouth her in front of the kids. The kids will know how badly you have been affected once they grow up a bit. Been separated 6 and a half years now, getting remarried next October and with a fantastic Mrs now. My kids love her to bits and couldn't be happier. Things will improve and the biggest thing I can advise is always be positive about their mum. She can say all the shit in the world about you, but don't you do the same. 

I'd echo what Chester says.

If you can afford it or can get help from an organisation to do so, get a minute of agreement drawn up. It lays out responsibilities of both parents, access times, holidays and most importantly finance. All in black and white and signed by both of you. 

My ex came back at me for more money 10 years after we signed this agreement when my son was 17 and leaving school. 

I'd also recommend buying a cheap diary and keeping a record of all the extra nights and weekends you'll end up getting along with all the extra money you'll get asked for here and there. I'm sure neither things will bother you but sadly at some point you'll disagree on something and it'll all get dragged up.

Say nothing in front of your kids. Regardless of how angry you ever get.

Finally, move on. The quicker you get your shit together the better for you and your kids.

Mate keep your chin up, you'll get through it 👍

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chuck berrys hairline

Do what I did stick her I the social and you end up with the bairn 😁 lawyers are shite they always side with the mother better just doing it yourself and what you feels best. I've been on both sides of the coin so I can see both sides. I stopped paying child maintenance for my oldest as I never seen her even with a court order her mum still stopped her coming, so I just put it into her birthday and Christmas presents instead. My youngest however I let his mum come and go with the hours even though it's against social work advice the way I see it is it's my family my choice, he can't have any overnights cause his mum's homeless yet I'm the bad ******* if I let his mum stay.

 

Just be prepared for getting told one thing and something completely different happening. Oh and remember youre a MAN in a family court nothing will go your way. Even obtaining legal aid I got told I had no case then boom social work had my son in my care three months later......it's up to you if you just wanna see you kid or be THE parent

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Craigieboy

If legal matters are an unwanted expense you can call the Scottish child law centre. Just google their number. 

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Jambomuzz

Thanks for all the advice. Right now we manage to keep it fairly civil but arguments crop up or she doesn’t hear something she likes and uses the”no contact” as a weapon. She has never followed through completely for any extended amount of time, however I am tired of worrying that I may not get to see my daughter so would rather try and have something drawn up that we can both sign.

 

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Jamhammer
On 07/12/2018 at 18:50, robroy1874 said:

Suggest you contact Families Need Fathers (they have an office in Edinburgh near Haymarket) and go and see them (Ian Maxwell) - they are a proper organisation and give sound advice and support (not the ones that climb the Scott Monument wearing a Batman costume). They can even recommend a lay person to attend Court with you to lend moral support

Beat me to it. Not been in the position meself but have only heard good things about these folks

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Jambo_in_Hamilton

What’s the difference between divorce and separation? And would that help with your access to your daughter?

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AlphonseCapone

Don't have kids or anything to contribute really but what a great place KB is for guys when they need help or support with things. 

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Inch Hearts

You’ll never win.  I stay with their mum for the right to be with my kids and makes sure they are brought up correctly.  I know for a fact if we split names would be changed and weapons would be used.  I’ve made the decision to sacrifice my happiness for there’s.  

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robbo1874
On 07/12/2018 at 18:50, robroy1874 said:

Suggest you contact Families Need Fathers (they have an office in Edinburgh near Haymarket) and go and see them (Ian Maxwell) - they are a proper organisation and give sound advice and support (not the ones that climb the Scott Monument wearing a Batman costume). They can even recommend a lay person to attend Court with you to lend moral support

They were really helpful with my mate.

I went with him for a bit of support so actually sat in on original meeting.

Really helpful guy. 

Best of luck 👍

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