Breaking up with your Partner.

[Greedy_Jambo]

There's no point going around with an 'I'll show you' attitude. That's not going to do you or the kids and good and it certainly won't make here think 'What a mistake I've made letting this great guy go'.

 

I'd also say you don't want to be desperate with her either. Aye, you want her to know that you haven't given up and that you want the relationship to work, but bombarding her with constant texts and the like won't do any good. Make it clear to her that you still love her and that you want to be with her and that if she changes her mind then you'll be there. Tell her that and make it clear that you aren't going to keep begging, because you respect her decision, but that she shouldn't take that as you not caring. Then stick to it, maintain contact with her as needs be to organise the kids etc and let her have the space she needs to think. She might change her mind, she might not, but harassing her will only put more distance between you and she might start to resent you.

 

This makes a lot of sense. 

 

I was actually considering going back tonight and standing my ground as it's still my house and i miss my kids. 

 

Probably won't help with regards to giving her space though eh?

[bn jambo]

@@@@@

[Sooperstar]

This makes a lot of sense.

 

I was actually considering going back tonight and standing my ground as it's still my house and i miss my kids.

 

Probably won't help with regards to giving her space though eh?

Nah, will just cause bad blood, a nasty atmosphere on the kids etc. You've made the decision to move out and I think you have to stick to that for now.

[Brian Whittaker's Tache]

I think I'd knock seven shades out my "best mate" if he was doing my missus!

[Dawnrazor]

I think I'd knock seven shades out my "best mate" if he was doing my missus!

Yep.

[Stuart Lyon]

Greedy - have you got a lawyer?

[J.T.F.Robertson]

I think I'd knock seven shades out my "best mate" if he was doing my missus!

A natural first reaction, but, as I'm sure you know, not the answer. There are two sides to that coin.

 

Hold onto your self-respect, GJ. Let her know you're still open to reconciling, if that's what you want and then leave it at that. (not easy, I know) The last thing you need if you do get back is to stew over the fact you were the one to make all the concessions.

 

BTW, I'm as self-centred as they come and should be giving myself this "advice", so am probably the last person you should pay any attention to.

[The Real Maroonblood]

I think I'd knock seven shades out my "best mate" if he was doing my missus!

Violence isn't the answer.

[OTT]

Maybe worth while speaking to a few divorce lawyers. - Is there not a rule that prohibits them taking her as a client if you've spoke to them previously? 

 

At the very least it might mean if things don't reconcile you have the jump as far as getting professional assistance and could anticipate & reduce problems down the line (division of assets etc).

 

Edit: I know you've said Girlfriend in OP but I'm pretty sure theres laws etc that relate to long term relationships so they are essentially looked at as a marriage 

 

Its not an area I know much about but theres some thoughts to consider going forward. 

 

FWIW I'm gutted for you I hope things work themselves out as positively as possible for you

Edited February 20, 2017 by OTT

[Greedy_Jambo]

Thanks for all the advide folks.

 

Just a few things to note.

 

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

My plan as of now is:  Give her her space until the weekend. Look after the kids. Then tell her it's my house and my kids and until I can sort my head out, I'm staying put!

I certainly won't be kicking her out but if she want's away from me she's gonna have to go herself. Yes, I can't afford to pay the mortgage myself but i'll deal with that later.

 

Thoughts? 

[Riddley Walker]

Thanks for all the advide folks.

 

Just a few things to note.

 

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

My plan as of now is:  Give her her space until the weekend. Look after the kids. Then tell her it's my house and my kids and until I can sort my head out, I'm staying put!

I certainly won't be kicking her out but if she want's away from me she's gonna have to go herself. Yes, I can't afford to pay the mortgage myself but i'll deal with that later.

 

Thoughts? 

 

I'm by no means an expert here mate, but in my opinion I wouldn't go in playing hardball as soon as next week. You've been together, what 11 years? It might be tough but I'd give her space for a couple of weeks at least. As someone else said let her know how you feel but don't be pushy about it. You don't want her to resent you if you insist on moving back straight away, all that will do is make her less likely to want you back.

 

However if you decide that you don't want to be with her either I'd go for your option.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Riddley Walker

[gsprott]

Tried this tactic! 20 years ago - it didn't work- she and the kids moved 200 miles away . She agreed not to bad mouth each other but she couldn't resist from bad mouthing me. Kids are in their twenties and speak to me by e mail on birthdays if I'm lucky. Kids won't talk about this and see me as the bad guy. I have a new relationship (not married!)  and a young daughter (13 yrs old).

Everything is weighted against the man!

My top tips are -

• Dont get married!
• Dont sign any Minute of Agreement
• Dont trust solicitors
• Stay close to the kids

[Greedy_Jambo]

I'm by no means an expert here mate, but in my opinion I wouldn't go in playing hardball as soon as next week. You've been together, what 11 years? It might be tough but I'd give her space for a couple of weeks at least. As someone else said let her know how you feel but don't be pushy about it. You don't want her to resent you if you insist on moving back straight away, all that will do is make her less likely to want you back.

 

However if you decide that you don't want to be with her either I'd go for your option.

I think just assuming it's over is the best thing I can do right now. It's too hard for me otherwise. I'm not gonna play hardball. I'll be nice to her but at the same time, it is my house and I've been paying in to it for a while. I'm not just going to walk away from it.

[Riddley Walker]

I think just assuming it's over is the best thing I can do right now. It's too hard for me otherwise. I'm not gonna play hardball. I'll be nice to her but at the same time, it is my house and I've been paying in to it for a while. I'm not just going to walk away from it.

 

That's fair enough man. I'm not the best guy for advice in all probability. How long have you actually been separated for?

[EreWeG0..]

Thanks for all the advide folks.

 

Just a few things to note.

 

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

My plan as of now is: Give her her space until the weekend. Look after the kids. Then tell her it's my house and my kids and until I can sort my head out, I'm staying put!

I certainly won't be kicking her out but if she want's away from me she's gonna have to go herself. Yes, I can't afford to pay the mortgage myself but i'll deal with that later.

 

Thoughts?

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

 

This is a key point. With no fighting or reason, you will be confused, it may mean she has someone in mind already.

 

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

 

Kids and House, maybe get in touch with one to get advice, if it goes bad then you already have a lawyer clued up.

 

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

 

Good choice. Don't let her know your whereabouts, and be unavailable sometimes, nothing worse than pandering, it could get her to feel sorry for you and that's that last thing you want.

 

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

 

Again good move, keep your time concentrating on the kids.

 

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

Will depend what happens if the split is final, don't women get the house etc after its all over anyway? Renting is a very short term option to help get yourself on your feet.

 

 

All above is my opinion, I could be wrong as I don't know the situation completely, but best of luck in getting it sorted m8.

[Greedy_Jambo]

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

 

This is a key point. With no fighting or reason, you will be confused, it may mean she has someone in mind already.

 

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

 

Kids and House, maybe get in touch with one to get advice, if it goes bad then you already have a lawyer clued up.

 

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

 

Good choice. Don't let her know your whereabouts, and be unavailable sometimes, nothing worse than pandering, it could get her to feel sorry for you and that's that last thing you want.

 

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

 

Again good move, keep your time concentrating on the kids.

 

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

Will depend what happens if the split is final, don't women get the house etc after its all over anyway? Renting is a very short term option to help get yourself on your feet.

 

 

All above is my opinion, I could be wrong as I don't know the situation completely, but best of luck in getting it sorted m8.

The key point you bring up about her having someone else lined up because we aren't fighting is starting to get to me.

 

You are right, I am confused because she's not angry with me.

 

I've confronted her about it several times because it's the conclusion I keep coming to. She denies it and actually asked me why I keep bringing it up cos it's starting to annoy her.

 

We have 3 kids. She's very rarely away from them. She doesn't have much of a social life apart from seeing friends from work on once every couple of months. So it is hard to see how she's got another bloke. Although she is constantly on her phone texting folk.

[EreWeG0..]

The key point you bring up about her having someone else lined up because we aren't fighting is starting to get to me.

 

You are right, I am confused because she's not angry with me.

 

I've confronted her about it several times because it's the conclusion I keep coming to. She denies it and actually asked me why I keep bringing it up cos it's starting to annoy her.

 

We have 3 kids. She's very rarely away from them. She doesn't have much of a social life apart from seeing friends from work on once every couple of months. So it is hard to see how she's got another bloke. Although she is constantly on her phone texting folk.

 

It will get to you m8, focus on the Kids just now, no matter what happens, they will be there when things are better, they will keep you going, my kids did the same to me, never would have lasted if I hadn't focused on them.

 

She's annoyed? Well poor her, is she annoyed because your right or because the repetitivness...you seem to have already brought it up, so must be on your mind...work seems to be her other main place, so do you know anyone there you can maybe talk to?

 

In this situation, finding out why is so important, you feel that what you need to do...you may not find out for a bit either way, but until there is anything else to go by, then maybe she has just got bored of a daily routine.

 

It took me 4 weeks to find out my 'friend' was a ^^^^ of the highest order...known him for 30 years too...but it came out eventually.

 

So maybe just keep your eyes open, and be your normal self for the kids. keep amused as well, I have seen you post in the console thread, pick something to concentrate on there, a building game/rpg where you start with nothing is good...For me, Skyrim and Fallout4 was thrashed to oblivion and it wasted some time, and you need time just now, to not do anything too rash and to prove to yourself no matter what, life goes on.

 

I remember decapitating a mob and I laughed...then realised I had laughed...wasn't meant to do that as I was gutted.

 

So keep busy just now, you will find out eventually, but until you do, not causing her emotional grief is paramount, as she seems mixed up atm.

[chester copperpot]

The only thing I can chuck in here is that stay true to your kids and never ever use them as a way at getting to her.

 

I split with my ex 5yrs ago now, best thing that ever happened to me however becoming a part time dad was easily the hardest thing to get my head round.

 

I gave my ex my half of our mortgage free home, and both my parents and friends thought I was mad for doing so but in all honesty I didn't want to uproot my kids in anyway.

 

It was so difficult to do so financially as I gave up about 80k to her. I now have the agreement that she gives me unrestricted access and I never have to pay child support as gave her half the house.

 

Now with a fantastic girl, kids are here all the time and I have a pretty amazing job that pays very well now and I get to keep it all.

 

Sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy but I am so glad that I took the choices that I did.

[Rudolf's Mate]

Time heals all, keep yourself as busy as possible and try not to sit and stew.

 

You'll hopefully eventually find that its the best thing that could have happened (i did), CHIN UP.

Greedy I've read through the thread again and the above info from MrM is spot on.

 

In addition to that I actually think you should take the advice you need from on here and walk away from the thread as I can see you're starting to wrestle with negative thoughts about what might have been the cause.

 

What you're doing with the kids is the right thing even if it is helping her out.

 

Focus on keeping your own heed in the right place and everything else will fall into place.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Greedy_Jambo]

Yeah. I am perhaps spending to much time on this.

 

Just finding it hard to do any of the other things I used to do because they all seem to be insignificant now.

[chester copperpot]

Yeah. I am perhaps spending to much time on this.

 

Just finding it hard to do any of the other things I used to do because they all seem to be insignificant now.

 

Mate it is one of the hardest things you will have to deal with but you will deal with it and come out of it stronger.

 

All the best pal, I wish you nothing but success and happiness

[PTBCAL]

I've just split up with my Girlfriend of 11 years. We have 3 kids together and a mortgage.

Pretty painful stuff.

 

33 and staying with the parents again. They don't particularly want me there and i don't want to be there.

 

Anyone gone through this before? Any advice would be great.

 

I'm in a total rut.

 

Been exactly there bud.

 

Split up with partner nearly 7 years ago with 3 kids - the youngest was 10 months. Got a flat straight away and had the kids 2 nights a week which was tough - at times it was horrific due to working FT and lack of sleep. But getting a decent place to stay with the kids helped.

 

Really important you get somewhere where you are happy and thus the kids will be fine staying over

Edited February 20, 2017 by PTBCAL

[Bridge of Djoum]

Embarrassing stuff.

[PTBCAL]

Thanks for all the advide folks.

 

Just a few things to note.

 

1: We aren't actually fighting. We can talk to each other no problem. It's just she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore.

2: I don't have a lawyer as someone asked. It's a bit early early in the day for me to be thinking about that as I haven't really decided what I want to do yet.

3: I haven't moved out permanently as of yet. I'm staying at my parents to give her some space.

4: I'm doing what has been suggested earlier by going to look after the kids at the weekend while she's at work (without making a scene about it)

5: I have mentioned about looking for a place to rent ect but i'm starting to go off that idea.

 

My plan as of now is:  Give her her space until the weekend. Look after the kids. Then tell her it's my house and my kids and until I can sort my head out, I'm staying put!

I certainly won't be kicking her out but if she want's away from me she's gonna have to go herself. Yes, I can't afford to pay the mortgage myself but i'll deal with that later.

 

Thoughts?

 

Can I ask....were you married? Law is a strange one in Scotland in that respect

[Greedy_Jambo]

Been exactly there bud.

 

Split up with partner nearly 7 years ago with 3 kids - the youngest was 10 months. Got a flat straight away and had the kids 2 nights a week which was tough - at times it was horrific due to working FT and lack of sleep. But getting a decent place to stay with the kids helped.

 

Really important you get somewhere where you are happy and thus the kids will be fine staying over

 

Aye, It would be a lot easier if I could find my own place but I can't afford a mortgage on my own so would have to throw money away by renting something pretty gash.

 

Can I ask if you rented mate?

[Greedy_Jambo]

Can I ask....were you married? Law is a strange one in Scotland in that respect

 

Not married. Probably should of been but didn't fancy it purely down to the money and me bloody hating weddings.

[Sarah O]

I think I'd knock seven shades out my "best mate" if he was doing my missus!

This.

 

Unreal.

[PTBCAL]

Aye, It would be a lot easier if I could find my own place but I can't afford a mortgage on my own so would have to throw money away by renting something pretty gash.

 

Can I ask if you rented mate?

Rented

 

Did this for 2.5 years.

 

If your not married then your ex has 12 months to make a claim on your assets such as your pension, your savings, any shares you may have. Yours not joint ones.

 

My advice is keep it civil, don't slag her off in front of the kids and be prepared for the day that some other guy is picking your kids up from school etc... It happened to me after a few years and I was suprising cool about it. Keep your self respect and at the same time get yourself back to the gym, do things for you that you couldn't do previously e.g go for weekend away with the kids, mates etc...

 

My relationship with the kids grew ten fold and That makes any initial doubt or low points well worth it.

[Greedy_Jambo]

That's fair enough man. I'm not the best guy for advice in all probability. How long have you actually been separated for?

She told me her decision on thursday. I left on sunday because it was too difficult for me seeing her so loveless towards me.

 

Its now tuesday and im spending the 2nd night at my parents. Im hating it.

 

Starting to miss my kids already and the comfort of my own home.

 

Down to my last bloody t-shirt.

[Walrus]

Of course a very natural reaction. I haven't seen my former friend since as he left the country where day after phoning to tell me what had gone on. Probably for the best.

 

However securing joint custody of my daughter was/is the single most important thing for me, so fisty cuffs to relieve a bit of anger, possibly incur an assault charge, isn't the wisest route.

 

Keep your focus on you and your kids Greedy. Chatting to a lawyer or even Citizens Advice is not a daft idea. As amicable as you both set out to be through this, things can change very quickly when money is involved.

 

All the best.

 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Greedy_Jambo]

Rented

Did this for 2.5 years.

If your not married then your ex has 12 months to make a claim on your assets such as your pension, your savings, any shares you may have. Yours not joint ones.

My advice is keep it civil, don't slag her off in front of the kids and be prepared for the day that some other guy is picking your kids up from school etc... It happened to me after a few years and I was suprising cool about it. Keep your self respect and at the same time get yourself back to the gym, do things for you that you couldn't do previously e.g go for weekend away with the kids, mates etc...

My relationship with the kids grew ten fold and That makes any initial doubt or low points well worth it.

She's not like that. I dont think i have anything to worry about in that regard. I've got buggerall to my name anyway except a couple of gibson guitars and material goods like tvs.

 

I will keep it civil. But at the same time im not going to just do everything she wants. I want my house and kids back.

[Greedy_Jambo]

How much does a lawyer cost. I really have no idea about these things and im pretty much potless.

[Walrus]

How much does a lawyer cost. I really have no idea about these things and im pretty much potless.

Lawyers aren't cheap unfortunately. Couple hundred quid per hour.

 

If stuff is going to go to court though legal aid is always an option. Usually worked out on how much disposable income you have.

 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[PTBCAL]

How much does a lawyer cost. I really have no idea about these things and im pretty much potless.

Mine was ?2000. But it was worth every penny. My pensions and shares are all mine which at the time might not matter but trust me in the cold light of the day it does. At the end of the day you need to start living again and that does not come cheap in all honesty.

 

Maybe wait with going for professional advice right now but start thinking about maintenance etc as you need to think about that soon enough. CSA Calulator is a good indicator.

 

Focus on the kids as they are the only constant in your life.

[Poseidon]

Some very good advice it sounds like. All the best greedy.

[Bigsmak]

Spilt with my partner of 9 years in October. She kept the house and dogs. She is with her best friend now. A woman...

 

 

Yes kickback... A woman...

 

 

I got a flat, slept with 3 girls from work and ended up dating one of them.. I finished it with her today and feel like crap because she was totally there for me through all of this. But it wasn't right for me.. she really, really liked me.

 

I couldn't be with someone just because they liked me.. she is, smart, funny and pretty as well.

 

My head is a little messed with this but I'm sure it gets better...

 

Onwards and upwards

[PTBCAL]

One thing I have realised though is that for me I could never live with someone again. I value my space and my own decisions now.

 

Strangely enough I am married now but we live in seperate houses. A better set up you will never find - we hav date nights around each other's kids and in all honesty it works great for me and my wife.

[Say What Again]

Strangely enough I am married now but we live in seperate houses. A better set up you will never find - we hav date nights around each other's kids and in all honesty it works great for me and my wife.

That's a new one on me. I can't say I've heard of anything like that before.

 

Sounds like the perfect marriage to me

[will-i-am-a-jambo]

Hi greedy,

 

Sorry to read about your situation. I went thru something similar although my circumstances were different. My advice would be to only use lawyers as a last resort. They are expensive and they only want you to go to court to make more money off you. If you can, try marriage counselling to see where it went wrong or if she's not interested at least go to mediation to sort out the kids stuff. If that doesn't work when you go to court you can at least say you tried the above. The mediation can take time but it's cheaper than a lawyer and worked for my ex and myself. It's also a good way to do things amicably. Avoid point scoring with your ex and concentrate what is best for your kids. My ex and I are now on amicable terms as we didn't go down the court route. good luck chief. Ps you can get good advice from the Scottish child law centre or try citizens advice as well for help. Cheers will.

[Blackford Hearts]

Double post

Edited February 21, 2017 by Blackford Hearts

[Blackford Hearts]

As many have said your relationship with your kids is really important, it's the most important part of any break up. However if you aren't healthy and in a good frame of mind you'll even struggle to do that. You've talked about, I think, fitting in seeing the kids round her shifts. Why not see them another day that suits you not just her? As someone else pointed out you will be physically and mentally struggling. Could you get regular time off work, or start later so you can take the kids to school? It would get you into the house, helping with breakfast, getting ready for school and normal stuff that you'll be missing. She needs space just now, so hard as it is try just to focus on the kids with her rather than making it about the break up. Legal stuff is ages away but if you need impartial free advise then The Child Maintanence Service offers free legal advise if you qualify. It's maybe worth discussing your options with them as it's free and commits you to nothing. Best of luck and try and do something active for yourself, even just a walk or cycle. It'll clear the mind and make you feel better about yourself. Hope this helps

[RussAsia]

The key point you bring up about her having someone else lined up because we aren't fighting is starting to get to me.

 

You are right, I am confused because she's not angry with me.

 

I've confronted her about it several times because it's the conclusion I keep coming to. She denies it and actually asked me why I keep bringing it up cos it's starting to annoy her.

 

We have 3 kids. She's very rarely away from them. She doesn't have much of a social life apart from seeing friends from work on once every couple of months. So it is hard to see how she's got another bloke. Although she is constantly on her phone texting folk.

 

Getting accused of something that is almost impossible to happen is incredibly annoying..

 

If she is always with the kids and barely gets out then it's unlikely (not impossible) that she is doing anything with someone else.. And in that instance accusing someone of it is unfair and gets people's back up.. Who knows she might be talking to someone who has taken her interest on the phone however if she has never done anything then I wouldn't be accusing her.. That being said girls can chat about shit for hours on a phone and never tire so she may just be on the phone doing that..

[Greedy_Jambo]

Felt a bit better last night. Like i'd made a forward step towards self healing or something.

 

Today i have just crashed and burned. At work, struggling to get anything done. All i can think about is her.

 

I feel like punching something.  

[Unknown user]

Felt a bit better last night. Like i'd made a forward step towards self healing or something.

 

Today i have just crashed and burned. At work, struggling to get anything done. All i can think about is her.

 

I feel like punching something.

There's no magic answer, it's always a shitty situation that eats at your self esteem, confidence and positivity.

Get through it bud, try to keep it together and just turn your focus on the now and what you're meant to be doing - there really isn't much else you can do!

 

Good luck man

[Салатные палочки]

Felt a bit better last night. Like i'd made a forward step towards self healing or something.

 

Today i have just crashed and burned. At work, struggling to get anything done. All i can think about is her.

 

I feel like punching something.  

 

Honestly mate, it get's better.  You have to learn to beat yourself up about things before they get better.  Just don't do anything drastic.  It's early days and I'll be honest, it takes time, sometimes a long time to get over someone but this is the main thing, it does get better.  You need to try your best to take your mind off her any way possible. I found the best way was to spend time with my friends and my kids.  I would take the kids out for the day and to see them having fun did wonders for me.  It may seem impossible to be happy right now but they don't want to see their dad moping about constantly checking his phone to see if she has text.  They want to see the dad they're used to, having fun, laughing with them and winding them up.  

 

Honest question.  What is it that your thinking about the most?  Is it missing her or the thought of her with someone else?  

[Greedy_Jambo]

I could go home to my kids?

 

Kinda sick of suffering through a choice SHE has made. 

 

Yeah, I want to give her space in the hope that she'l miss me, but staying at my parents is becoming a nightmare.

[Greedy_Jambo]

Honestly mate, it get's better.  You have to learn to beat yourself up about things before they get better.  Just don't do anything drastic.  It's early days and I'll be honest, it takes time, sometimes a long time to get over someone but this is the main thing, it does get better.  You need to try your best to take your mind off her any way possible. I found the best way was to spend time with my friends and my kids.  I would take the kids out for the day and to see them having fun did wonders for me.  It may seem impossible to be happy right now but they don't want to see their dad moping about constantly checking his phone to see if she has text.  They want to see the dad they're used to, having fun, laughing with them and winding them up.  

 

Honest question.  What is it that your thinking about the most?  Is it missing her or the thought of her with someone else?  

 

I honestly don't think she's seeing anyone. 

 

So i'm missing her. She wasn't just my girlfriend. She was my family. 11 years together. She was closer than anyone else.

[Mollo]

I know 2 mates who have been through very similar very recently. Both of them wanted the world to end and both were devastated by it. Now both are saying they wouldn't take the ex back - and both are still single, and still down a wee bit, but both are a million times happier and have moved on. I guess the message is - it's not a dark cave your entering, it's a dark tunnel - and there will be a better situation at the other end. One day.

 

What I have learnt from supporting them is that if you do ANYTHING that is bitter - they will use it against you forever. They have the upper hand and sadly as a bloke you will have to watch your step more than her. Both learned to keep emails and messages where she got bitchy, and both towed the line throwing punches back - did them the world of good in both the legal sense and in the head. Hard to do but stay in line and fight clever not hard. As someone else said - meet your mates a lot, and not just on the bevvie. Surround yourself with mates who will help you laugh and those who give the best advice.

[Locky]

I was in the exact same situation 18 months ago. Unfortunately I don't really have a place I can fall back on so you could literally say all my eggs were in the one basket.

 

I pretty much got myself into a new relationship so I'm probably teetering on the edge again. but I feel better about this relationship, likes it's going place etc. Despite my bursd being a bit of a nutjob on occasion.

 

If you can afford your own place then that's most of the battle won. There's no way on my wages I'd afford a flat, maintenance for my wee one and keep myself alive.

 

Once settled into your new place, whenever it may be, you'll look back wondering what the fuss was all about. Good luck.

[Taffin]

It's tough at first but a few months down the line you'll be doing things and learning stuff about yourself that you either forgot or never even knew.

 

It won't stop hurting, you're effectively grieving but surprisingly quickly the positives will outweigh the negatives if you reach out and seize them.

 

Make some new friends at work or start going to the pub and reading a paper and chatting to folk. There is a whole world out there that has likely been passing you by for 11 years.

 

And DON'T place her on a pedestal. She isn't perfect, she isn't unique, there are plenty more like her out there and you'll find one eventually but don't rush it.

 

Get out more and meet folk basically; you might soon find she wasn't all you thought anyway.