JamboSpur Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 After a few spicy days complete with beverages my insides are now in tatters. Any tips will be very welcome. Currently having a pint of Best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I'd love to offer advice but as I've just worked up the courage to leave the house after a morning of toilet distress I'm not the right person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Ice pole up the farter. It's the only way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamboSpur Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 Ice pole up the farter. It's the only way. What flavour mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gjcc Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 What flavour mate? Before or after? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlimOzturk Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Get on the Guinness mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 What flavour mate? It doesn't really matter. Keep it in the wrapper and you can put it back in the freezer.* *When doing this, you've got to keep an eye out for the shopkeeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William H. Bonney Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 What flavour mate? Cola. Same colour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I always have a tube of anusol handy for occasions like this. Cools it down instantly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambof3tornado Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 It doesn't really matter. Keep it in the wrapper and you can put it back in the freezer.* *When doing this, you've got to keep an eye out for the shopkeeper. Aye and watch the sharp plastic edges on the wrapper!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 You can make a homemade paste that will do the job. Add together a teaspoon of garlic salt, cayenne pepper, cinnamon and 3 parts lemon juice. Apply directly to your butt hole. You're welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 You can make a homemade paste that will do the job. Add together a teaspoon of garlic salt, cayenne pepper, cinnamon and 3 parts lemon juice. Apply directly to your butt hole. You're welcome. That won't work without the main ingredient, freshly ground chilli seeds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_jailer Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Sudocrem is the daddy for ring sting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Stinkfinger Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 peppermint suppositories is the winner. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridge of Djoum Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 I always have a tube of anusol handy for occasions like this. Cools it down instantly. Anusol is the correct answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridge of Djoum Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Thought that stuff was for the Dukes ? Takes the heat out of the sting too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Anusol is the correct answer. How is this applied? Could an ice pole maybe help with this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William H. Bonney Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 How is this applied? Could an ice pole maybe help with this? Sucking on an ice pole whilst applying anusol is remarkably soothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted September 17, 2016 Share Posted September 17, 2016 After a night on the sauce, my arse has almost prolapsed today! Not pretty likes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridge of Djoum Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 How is this applied? Could an ice pole maybe help with this? Ha! It could indeed, sir. There is an applicator, and even being small as it is, takes on the dimensions of Mandingo when I think of where it's supposed to go, A liberal smearing around the affected area is QUITE sufficient, thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Sucking on an ice pole whilst applying anusol is remarkably soothing. A used ice pole I presume? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 After a night on the sauce, my arse has almost prolapsed today! Not pretty likes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 After a night on the sauce, my arse has almost prolapsed today! Not pretty likes And Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheile Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 An Anusol "bullet" which has been kept in the fridge, or in extreme cases in the freezer, is most efficacious. I speak from experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlimOzturk Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Had an itchy arsehole all day. One of those that only toilet roll wrapped round the finger and a slight insert can cure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricardo Shillyshally Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 In the same way that you wash the dishes after eating.... Douching is the way forward. Clean like a puffer fish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Sudocrem? Bepanthen is far superior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irufushi Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Had an itchy arsehole all day. One of those that only toilet roll wrapped round the finger and a slight insert can cure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 18, 2016 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Had an itchy arsehole all day. One of those that only toilet roll wrapped round the finger and a slight insert can cure. Way too much information Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Had an itchy arsehole all day. One of those that only toilet roll wrapped round the finger and a slight insert can cure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambo dans les Pyrenees Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Had an itchy arsehole all day. One of those that only toilet roll wrapped round the finger and a slight insert can cure. Are you sure he had toilet roll around his finger? Are you sure it was his finger? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 To the tune of Perry Como's Magic Moments sing altogether now... "It wasn't the grass that tickled yer arse it was my finger". There would be nothin' feckin magic about that moment I'll feckin tell you. As usual this sort of thread has hit rock bottom. The only way is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Rock Bottom ? Sair and Itchy Bottom mair like. The only way is up Having a shite in the shower and seeing if you can get it to stand up in the plug hole is a wonderful pastime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solid Snake Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Not had a solid dump in years. Something is permanently ****ed with my insides. Not only that, but I need to go for a dump between 3-4 times a day. I go through a toilet roll every couple days, spend an absolute fortune. Tried various foods and my insides just seem to reject them all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoda Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 If you don't have any of the proper stuff, you should try after sun lotion. Can nip for a few seconds, then no more ring-sting. Don't use too much as you end with a scene from some gay porno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted September 19, 2016 Share Posted September 19, 2016 Having a shite in the shower and seeing if you can get it to stand up in the plug hole is a wonderful pastime. Deviant as per! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Potter Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Not had a solid dump in years. Something is permanently ****ed with my insides. Not only that, but I need to go for a dump between 3-4 times a day. I go through a toilet roll every couple days, spend an absolute fortune. Tried various foods and my insides just seem to reject them all. Not a solid snake then, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 It's the only option Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Mate of mine goes through a whole bog roll in 2 days. I know this as he visits me from time to time for the weekend. What started out as a bit of P taking is now the topic of conversation whenever he is due to visit. We have various theories as to where it goes. We are non the wiser but speculation is based on the following. We think he has a toilet roll fetish and mummifies himself in toilet roll before w4nking himself silly. We think he sits there on the bog pulling all the toilet roll off the roll hand over hand before w4nking himself silly. We think he has an aversion to his own bottom and uses at least 20 sheets a wipe to keep his hand as far away as possible from his bum hole. We think he has a secret and as yet undiscovered hamster collection and needs the loo rolls for houses. When questioned on the subject he refuses to explain in any way shape or form where the toilet paper goes or what he does in the toilet for over an hour each morning. I have threatened to ration his toilet rolls next time he visits but this hasn't worked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Mate of mine goes through a whole bog roll in 2 days. I know this as he visits me from time to time for the weekend. What started out as a bit of P taking is now the topic of conversation whenever he is due to visit. We have various theories as to where it goes. We are non the wiser but speculation is based on the following. We think he has a toilet roll fetish and mummifies himself in toilet roll before w4nking himself silly. We think he sits there on the bog pulling all the toilet roll off the roll hand over hand before w4nking himself silly. We think he has an aversion to his own bottom and uses at least 20 sheets a wipe to keep his hand as far away as possible from his bum hole. We think he has a secret and as yet undiscovered hamster collection and needs the loo rolls for houses. When questioned on the subject he refuses to explain in any way shape or form where the toilet paper goes or what he does in the toilet for over an hour each morning. I have threatened to ration his toilet rolls next time he visits but this hasn't worked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Sound familiar Morgan ? You spend a lot of time in the cludgie and you say it's for beers. Is it actually chug time ? Told you before - I'm forever grasping my Peroni. Take from that what you will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Mate of mine goes through a whole bog roll in 2 days. I know this as he visits me from time to time for the weekend. What started out as a bit of P taking is now the topic of conversation whenever he is due to visit. We have various theories as to where it goes. We are non the wiser but speculation is based on the following. We think he has a toilet roll fetish and mummifies himself in toilet roll before w4nking himself silly. We think he sits there on the bog pulling all the toilet roll off the roll hand over hand before w4nking himself silly. We think he has an aversion to his own bottom and uses at least 20 sheets a wipe to keep his hand as far away as possible from his bum hole. We think he has a secret and as yet undiscovered hamster collection and needs the loo rolls for houses. When questioned on the subject he refuses to explain in any way shape or form where the toilet paper goes or what he does in the toilet for over an hour each morning. I have threatened to ration his toilet rolls next time he visits but this hasn't worked. Could it be that he's using the bog roll as sound proofing, as he's probably opened the door to find you with your ear to it listening for pishing/ jobbying noises and is now paranoid about making a sound? He'll be filling the pan and possibly any cracks under the door etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac80 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Just demolished a 12 inch hot and spicy pizza.. Tomorrow will no doubt be a sore one but enjoyable all the while Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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