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1 minute ago, gjcc said:

 

**dishonestly Tells pals redjambo got too clingy so I cut off all contact**

 

**posts pics of his frogsuit on revenge p**n site.**

 

**lowers standards and goes for someone with low self esteem and supports hibs**

 

:D

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1 hour ago, Barack said:

Your female friends not given you any advice?

 

 

 

 

 

They've all been married years or gay. They’re even more clueless than me ?.

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Samuel Camazzola
3 hours ago, Helzibob said:

Right, I am on Bumble. I am getting matches but people seem to be unmatching me after a message or two. Maybe I have no personality. There’s a good possibility of that.?

 

So, please give me suggestions of a good opening gambit. Something that would make you want to reply to me. Nothing saucey though! 

As others have said, just be yourself and say whatever feels comfortable to you. 

 

If you really want to post something different, you could ask what their favourite year was - 1998, 2006 or 2012. It should help weed out a few! 

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John Findlay
16 minutes ago, Helzibob said:

 

They've all been married years or gay. They’re even more clueless than me ?.

You know alot of men then:laugh:.

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4 hours ago, Helzibob said:

Right, I am on Bumble. I am getting matches but people seem to be unmatching me after a message or two. Maybe I have no personality. There’s a good possibility of that.?

 

So, please give me suggestions of a good opening gambit. Something that would make you want to reply to me. Nothing saucey though! 

 

Just ask anything related to something you read on their profile. Don't overthink it. Doesn't have to be witty or clever. If the guy's interested he'll just be happy you got in touch. 

Edited by Ray Gin
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Bridge of Djoum
12 hours ago, Helzibob said:

Right, I am on Bumble. I am getting matches but people seem to be unmatching me after a message or two. Maybe I have no personality. There’s a good possibility of that.?

 

So, please give me suggestions of a good opening gambit. Something that would make you want to reply to me. Nothing saucey though! 

How about "Tamer of Jambomuzz''?

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chester copperpot
13 hours ago, Helzibob said:

Right, I am on Bumble. I am getting matches but people seem to be unmatching me after a message or two. Maybe I have no personality. There’s a good possibility of that.?

 

So, please give me suggestions of a good opening gambit. Something that would make you want to reply to me. Nothing saucey though! 

 

 

Lassie asking for dating tips on a football fans forum, what could possibly go wrong...................

 

Over to you lads :yas:

 

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14 hours ago, chester copperpot said:

 

 

Lassie asking for dating tips on a football fans forum, what could possibly go wrong...................

 

Over to you lads :yas:

 

Work the shaft tickle the bawz!! 

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John Findlay
15 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

Work the shaft tickle the bawz!! 

You forgot to say with tongue but, not a bad start :happy:.

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19 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

Work the shaft tickle the bawz!! 

 

3 hours ago, John Findlay said:

You forgot to say with tongue but, not a bad start :happy:.

:berra:

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John Findlay
20 minutes ago, Barack said:

You ex-Navy boys, eh! Lonely seamen everywhere.

Never a seaman. Radio Operator Tactical, me. ROT for short:laugh:. Woman in every port and all that:whistling:.

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I have recently separated for good from my wife (mainly due to my depression and anxiety causing me to lose interest in her) so is there a website where girls can look for socially insecure and fecked up individuals ?

 

5-7 years ago I had a blast online but now? I would rather read a book ?. I still same the same old faces from before. Frightening.

 

Essentially like all men I just want someone to boaby now and then with no drama. Too much to ask?

 

Any site suggestions are per above? ?

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12 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

Never a seaman. Radio Operator Tactical, me. ROT for short:laugh:. Woman in every port and all that:whistling:.

You got all their names tattooed on your forearm John?

 

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John Findlay
14 minutes ago, Morgan said:

You got all their names tattooed on your forearm John?

 

Only have the one tattoo. Supercalaflatulisticexpealodocious on my err ahem. Naturally an inch between each letter:laugh:.

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11 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

Only have the one tattoo. Supercalaflatulisticexpealodocious on my err ahem. Naturally an inch between each letter:laugh:.

So, it says Suus when you are cold or 'not in the mood'?

 

Thanks for the reply Errol :thumbsup:

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John Findlay
2 minutes ago, Morgan said:

So, it says Suus when you are cold or 'not in the mood'?

 

Thanks for the reply Errol :thumbsup:

No. Just S:laugh:.

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3 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

No. Just S:laugh:.

:greggy:

 

Christ, it must be real cold in Edinburgh :lol:

 

 

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John Findlay
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

:greggy:

 

Christ, it must be real cold in Edinburgh :lol:

 

 

It was late Winter and early Spring. I don't like to boast:laugh:.

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1 minute ago, Morgan said:

Soz.

 

That's ok, don't worry about it, Morgan. No-one on the dating sites I go on (where my handle is, quite cunningly I think given my actual "wee r" physical situation, "GiiiinormousPecker") will know that I am redjambo on here and see this thread. I always feel it adds spice to any relationship being able to surprise your lassie on your first date. I certainly know how to make my dates laugh anyway.

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Салатные палочки
5 hours ago, PTBCAL said:

I have recently separated for good from my wife (mainly due to my depression and anxiety causing me to lose interest in her) so is there a website where girls can look for socially insecure and fecked up individuals ?

 

5-7 years ago I had a blast online but now? I would rather read a book ?. I still same the same old faces from before. Frightening.

 

Essentially like all men I just want someone to boaby now and then with no drama. Too much to ask?

 

Any site suggestions are per above? ?

 

POF. Full of mentalists but definitely the place to go if that's what you're looking for right now.  

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18 hours ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

POF. Full of mentalists but definitely the place to go if that's what you're looking for right now.  

 That's where I met the Ex wife ?

 

It's well documented here by me of my depression especially over my failed marriage and how I handle apathy at life and increased anxiety.

 

Sometimes I log on POF to see what's happening but it makes me feel worthless and reduces me to self loathing. And actually leads to stress about being on my own at 50 which is crazy as I have young kids but that's how it makes me feel. That's not the site fault or online dating in general but that's how my mind reacts to things like that. 

 

So so while it can work and it did for me 5 years ago I have found that since I was diagnosed  with depression and anxiety it pushes me to a darker place and thus it's not an easy fix for everyone.

 

Sorry if I am rambling but online dating might not work for everyone TBH.

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Apologies for bringing what is a fantastic thread down to a more sombre level.

 

Keep up the good work lads as it gives me a right laugh ?

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I ****ing love this thread. 

 

It needs to be permanently stickied at the top of The Shed. :lol:

 

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On 3/29/2018 at 17:34, PTBCAL said:

I have recently separated for good from my wife (mainly due to my depression and anxiety causing me to lose interest in her) so is there a website where girls can look for socially insecure and fecked up individuals ?

 

5-7 years ago I had a blast online but now? I would rather read a book ?. I still same the same old faces from before. Frightening.

 

Essentially like all men I just want someone to boaby now and then with no drama. Too much to ask?

 

Any site suggestions are per above? ?

 

You're already on said website pal ! :wink:

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I can contribute by proxy. 

 

My flatmate has been having a bit of a dry patch, and we've all been great friends by relentlessly ripping the piss for months about it.  He has great chat and then always bottles it somehow. We think he's just a massive shitebag, but that's about it. 

 

Anyway, it gets to half past 2 on Saturday night (Sunday morning) so he decides enough is enough and fires a message to this lassie he's been chatting up on Tinder for a few weeks. 

 

Result. She's been away out, and agrees to come round.  Flatmate quickly goes to change his bedding and tidy up his absolute state of a room.  The place is a complete mess and probably contributes to his lack of fandango action, so at least he does one thing right. 

 

About half 3 and the doorbell goes.  I decide to leave him to it, and head off to bed.  My room is right next to the front door, so I obviously hear her come in and there is a distinct lack of chat from said flatmate. I assume they just get fired right into it, and that's about it.  Good lad, dry spell over. 

 

I hear the front door slam shut around 5, which wakes me up.  90 minutes of action, not bad considering he'll be suitably out of practise.  The door then slams again, so he's obviously shown her out the building and come back up the stairs. I go through to the kitchen to grab a glass of water since I'm already up and as I get there, it turns out that his room wasn't the only complete mess in the flat. 

 

Jesus Christ, this lassie made John McGinn look like a beauty pageant winner by contrast. I recoiled in fear for my retinas safety, grabbed a glass of water and got out of Dodge, locking my door in case she tried to pump me as well. 

 

There is a bit of conversation, the door closes again, and then I hear my flatmate lock it and audibly sigh in the hallway.   I get a gentle knock on my door, and there stands the most dejected, defeated looking human being since Pat Fenlon watched his team take it dry at Hampden in 2012.

 

Turns out she looked very different than her profile picture.  It took him 90 minutes to get her to leave, and she was fairly keen on getting him pumped anyway, basically trying to convince him he wanted it. 

 

His dry patch continues and I reckon this one will haunt him for a while. :lol:

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John Findlay
29 minutes ago, tian447 said:

I can coptribute by proxy. 

 

My flatmate has been having a bit of a dry patch, and we've all been great friends by relentlessly ripping the piss for months about it.  He has great chat and then always bottles it somehow. We think he's just a massive shitebag, but that's about it. 

 

Anyway, it gets to half past 2 on Saturday night (Sunday morning) so he decides enough is enough and fires a message to this lassie he's been chatting up on Tinder for a few weeks. 

 

Result. She's been away out, and agrees to come round.  Flatmate quickly goes to change his bedding and tidy up his absolute state of a room.  The place is a complete mess and probably contributes to his lack of fandango action, so at least he does one thing right. 

 

About half 3 and the doorbell goes.  I decide to leave him to it, and head off to bed.  My room is right next to the front door, so I obviously hear her come in and there is a distinct lack of chat from said flatmate. I assume they just get fired right into it, and that's about it.  Good lad, dry spell over. 

 

I hear the front door slam shut around 5, which wakes me up.  90 minutes of action, not bad considering he'll be suitably out of practise.  The door then slams again, so he's obviously shown her out the building and come back up the stairs. I go through to the kitchen to grab a glass of water since I'm already up and as I get there, it turns out that his room wasn't the only complete mess in the flat. 

 

Jesus Christ, this lassie made John McGinn look like a beauty pageant winner by contrast. I recoiled in fear for my retinas safety, grabbed a glass of water and got out of Dodge, locking my door in case she tried to pump me as well. 

 

There is a bit of conversation, the door closes again, and then I hear my flatmate lock it and audibly sigh in the hallway.   I get a gentle knock on my door, and there stands the most dejected, defeated looking human being since Pat Fenlon watched his team take it dry at Hampden in 2012.

 

Turns out she looked very different than her profile picture.  It took him 90 minutes to get her to leave, and she was fairly keen on getting him pumped anyway, basically trying to convince him he wanted it. 

 

His dry patch continues and I reckon this one will haunt him for a while. :lol:

Dawnrazor is the man for her.:whistling:

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9 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

Dawnrazor is the man for her.:whistling:

 

A blind, horny teenager would have passed this one up.  Seriously grim stuff! :lol:

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John Findlay
1 minute ago, tian447 said:

 

A blind, horny teenager would have passed this one up.  Seriously grim stuff! :lol:

Dawnrazor is still the man for her:laugh:

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9 minutes ago, John Findlay said:

Dawnrazor is still the man for her:laugh:

 

Now we play the waiting game to see how he defends himself :rofl:

:jjyay:

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1 hour ago, tian447 said:

 

Now we play the waiting game to see how he defends himself :rofl:

:jjyay:

I need not defend myself, I would indeed hump the bursd in question and I've not even read to post or the description of said bursd. 

*edit*

Just read the post, the guy is a complete buffty for shaggin the ugly bursd, out of order and a embarrassment to his fellow man. He should have switched the light of, got her pumped and forgotten her, nobody would have know if she was a bit under par, he could have said his flatmate was over egging the cake on her plugness due to jealousness. 

He had a bursd that was ganting oan the tadger in his room and on a plate and he bottled it, disgraceful behaviour. 

 

Edited by Dawnrazor
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12 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

I need not defend myself, I would indeed hump the bursd in question and I've not even read to post or the description of said bursd. 

*edit*

Just read the post, the guy is a complete buffty for not shaggin the ugly bursd, out of order and an embarrassment to his fellow man. He should have switched the light of, got her pumped and forgotten her, nobody would have know if she was a bit under par, he could have said his flatmate was over egging the cake on her plugness due to jealousness. 

He had a bursd that was ganting oan the tadger in his room and on a plate and he bottled it, disgraceful behaviour. 

 

 

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chester copperpot

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

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5 minutes ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

:gok:

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8 minutes ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

:jj:

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1 hour ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

 

:glorious:

 

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John Findlay
1 hour ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

Did it? Spit like a chip pan?

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John Findlay
2 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

I need not defend myself, I would indeed hump the bursd in question and I've not even read to post or the description of said bursd. 

*edit*

Just read the post, the guy is a complete buffty for shaggin the ugly bursd, out of order and a embarrassment to his fellow man. He should have switched the light of, got her pumped and forgotten her, nobody would have know if she was a bit under par, he could have said his flatmate was over egging the cake on her plugness due to jealousness. 

He had a bursd that was ganting oan the tadger in his room and on a plate and he bottled it, disgraceful behaviour. 

 

Thank you.  I knew you wouldn't let yourself down.

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1 hour ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

Great stuff, great story. :clap:

 

:robbo:

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That's ****ing rotten. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:jjyay:

 

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chester copperpot
1 hour ago, John Findlay said:

Did it? Spit like a chip pan?

 

 

It did indeed. Felt like I was going to be drooned at one point

 

:pleasing:

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3 minutes ago, chester copperpot said:

 

 

It did indeed. Felt like I was going to be drooned at one point

 

:pleasing:

:nojustno:

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John Findlay
3 hours ago, chester copperpot said:

 

 

It did indeed. Felt like I was going to be drooned at one point

 

:pleasing:

You didn't go Thirsty then?:happy:

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6 hours ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

 

naisy.png

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8 hours ago, chester copperpot said:

Remember one POF story I'd like to share with you before I got together with the current bird.

 

The lass seemed quite nice, had good chat, a decent job and nice motor/house etc so met her for coffee at Tesco Cumbernauld after work one night.

 

She made it clear she was into me (blind I know) and she dropped me off and wanted to come into my house.

 

As I had only just met her and my flat was being done up, had to politely decline as didn't want her doing a runner when she saw where I lived so we had a bit of a snog in the car.

 

The text and phone calls got rather suggestive and she made it pretty clear that she was up for a bit sex, so I played along.

 

2nd date, we went for a drive and I again had to decline the offer to come to mines so she drove to Drumpellier country park and were in a wee quiet bit as it was the back way in. Anyways needless to say things were happening and she confesses to me that she's a bit of a squirter at this point.

 

Now those that know me is that I have a bit of a fetish for these things so was looking forward to it, we get going in her car, didn't wanna have sex with her so just did other stuff. Was looking forward to that point of no return when she did the business...........however as she was about to pop, she says something to me that put me right off and it did then too.

 

'Ooh am ready, watch ma ***** spit like a chip pan'..........

 

You can take the girl out of Bathgate it seems...........

How did date 3 go?

 

:jj:

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