Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Morgan]

36 minutes ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Craig L 

Jim Bett.  👍

[JudyJudyJudy]

4 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Jim Bett.  👍

Him as well 😎

[Morgan]

48 minutes ago, Tazio said:

I don’t recall a Hearts player called Hector

Hector Nicol.

 

Dave McNicolls brother.  From Troy.

[superjack]

My car wouldn't start this morning.
I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine block. 
He said: "Good day to you, Sir, and might I remark how splendidly handsome you look today?"
I knew the problem straight away:
bat flattery…..

[Morgan]

What do you call a Scotsman who is halfway through his front door?

 

Hamish.

Edited January 10 by Morgan

[Morgan]

I got out of bed this morning and there was a Boeing 747 at the top of the stairs... 

Turns out I'd left the landing light on.

[superjack]

A man was replacing a door in his house and noticed that a hinge was damaged so he asked his wife if she could pop along to Wickes tonget a replacement hinge. She agreed, so he have her a description of what exactly to get. 

When she got there, she noticed a lively mirror with a solid gold frame with some diamonds embedded into it. She seen a sales assistant and asked how much the mirror was. £2,500 ma'am was his reply. She then told him exactly what type of hinge she was after and off he went to get 1 for her.

When he get back, he asked her if she wanted a screw for the hinge. She replied "no thanks, but I wouldn't mind the same deal for the mirror!".

[dougal]

I went to an Eskimo restaurant last week. Asked the waiter what the specials were. He said there's whale meat or whale meat or whale meat or the Vera Lynn. Asked him what's the Vera Lynn? Whale meat again, he said.

[rudi must stay]

Who was the slowest Snooker Player

 

Joe Snail 

[Percival King]

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Who was the slowest Snooker Player

 

Joe Snail 

Which snooker player had a Brazilian butt lift?

 

Ray Reardon.

[Percival King]

22 minutes ago, Percival King said:

Which snooker player had a Brazilian butt lift?

 

Ray Reardon.

Which snooker player used to put a scary mask on and shout "boo" as his opponent was about to take his shot?

Jimmy Fright.

[rudi must stay]

There was a crime at the chippie

 

The fish was battered and the chips were salted

[Tazio]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks that Dave knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Leo," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... You and the Pope came out onto the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'

[Dick Dastardly]

Hehehehe

[JudyJudyJudy]

On 19/01/2026 at 08:29, rudi must stay said:

There was a crime at the chippie

 

The fish was battered and the chips were salted

😂😂

[JudyJudyJudy]

[Tazio]

My mate called his wife from the hospital and said, “Hi hun, I had an accident at work.” His wife replied, “Oh my god, what happened?” My mate said, “I cut off a finger.” His wife asked, “The whole finger?” He answered, “No, the one next to it…”

[milky_26]

On 26/12/2025 at 15:52, superjack said:

Man phones his wife from the hospital and tells her he's had his finger cut off in an accident at work,

 

" Oh my god !" she cries..."the whole finger ?"

 

" NAW !" he says...." the one next to it ".....

 

30 minutes ago, Tazio said:

My mate called his wife from the hospital and said, “Hi hun, I had an accident at work.” His wife replied, “Oh my god, what happened?” My mate said, “I cut off a finger.” His wife asked, “The whole finger?” He answered, “No, the one next to it…”

 

[Tazio]

20 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

 

 

Great minds think alike. 

Spoiler

And idiots seldom differ.

 

[superjack]

3 hours ago, Tazio said:

Great minds think alike. 

  Hide contents

And idiots seldom differ.

 

The first 1 Taz.

[The Real Maroonblood]

[rudi must stay]

What do you call a Chinese Shopaholic?

 

Shao ping