Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[OnlyTheLonely]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems fine, but after a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[Angel eyes]

When Katie heard her elderly grandfather had passed, she went straight to her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her. When

Katie asked how he died, granny replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex sounded dangerous. Granny smiled and said, “Oh no, dear, many years ago we figured out the best time was when the church bells started to ring. It gave us the perfect rhythm — nice and slow and sedate, ding in and ding out. Nothing too strenuous.”

She paused, wiped away a tear, and added, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

[Dawnrazor]

[Dick Dastardly]

4 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

For some reason, in my mind, i read that in the voice of Eric Idle.

[rudi must stay]

My computer sings at me

 

It's Adele 

[The Real Maroonblood]

[Jacques de Gauthier]

10 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

My computer sings at me

 

It's Adele 

I bought a waterproof laptop. 
 

It’s a Mac. 

[rudi must stay]

Hitler's new book has been discovered

 

Mein all mein

 

 

[Ulysses]

A fella was walking in the jungle and he saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes to a group of tribespeople.  He said to one of the men "that lizard's really funny".  The tribesman replied "He's not a lizard.  He's a stand-up chameleon".

[John Findlay]

[rudi must stay]

What Chelsea manager also dances?

 

Enzo Macarena 

[superjack]

The cashier said to me "strip down facing me".

By the time I realised she meant my debit card, the police were already on their way!

[Robbo-Jambo]

On 16/11/2025 at 18:24, Angel eyes said:

When Katie heard her elderly grandfather had passed, she went straight to her 95-year-old grandmother to comfort her. When

Katie asked how he died, granny replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex sounded dangerous. Granny smiled and said, “Oh no, dear, many years ago we figured out the best time was when the church bells started to ring. It gave us the perfect rhythm — nice and slow and sedate, ding in and ding out. Nothing too strenuous.”

She paused, wiped away a tear, and added, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

😂

[rudi must stay]

4 hours ago, superjack said:

The cashier said to me "strip down facing me".

By the time I realised she meant my debit card, the police were already on their way!

 

This one should be in the recent events thread 

[rudi must stay]

What do you call a Chinese shopaholic?

 

Shaoping 

[Konrad von Carstein]

[Konrad von Carstein]

[rudi must stay]

What did the robot say to the petrol pump?

 

Take your finger out your ear when I'm talking to you 

[mrmarkus1981_1]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.
He named the other one hose B.

[Morgan]

5 hours ago, mrmarkus1981_1 said:

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.
He named the other one hose B.

[John Findlay]

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear about the French waiter?

 

Tres bien 

[superjack]

I walked into the pub at the weekend and noticed slices of beef tied to the ceiling. I asked the barman "what are they for?"
He replied "if you can jump up, grab 1 and pull it off the ceiling, you'll get free beer all night. However, if you don't succeed, you have to pay me £100. So, do you want a go?"
I thought for a minute and replied "I would, but the stakes are too high"!!!!!!!

Edited December 9, 2025 by superjack

[Ulysses]

[Elljay]

[Angel eyes]

What did the receptionist at the sperm donation centre say to the donator when they left the centre…….

 

 

thanks for coming.

[AyrJambo]

On 09/12/2025 at 17:38, rudi must stay said:

Did you hear about the French waiter?

 

Tres bien 

 ?????

[rudi must stay]

5 hours ago, AyrJambo said:

 ?????

 

Tres 'tray' needs work maybe 

[AyrJambo]

4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Tres 'tray' needs work maybe 

 

Ahhh because a waiter carries a tray, usually very well?

 

That is certainly unashamedly merde  as is this...

 

Did you hear about the French toilet attendant?

 

Oui

[rudi must stay]

Which ex manager supported Celtic?

 

Glenn Huddle 

[Morgan]

It’s great when the intended criteria of a thread is perfectly achieved.

[rudi must stay]

Hitler's girlfriend was a big fan of seafood

 

Eva Prawn 

[rudi must stay]

32 minutes ago, Morgan said:

It’s great when the intended criteria of a thread is perfectly achieved.

 

The statement of the day should be in the statement of the day thread

[Jamstomorrow]

9 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Hitler's girlfriend was a big fan of seafood

 

Eva Prawn 

I heard she was a fan of meat jelly. . . . .  Eva Brawn.

[AyrJambo]

4 hours ago, Jamstomorrow said:

I heard she was a fan of meat jelly. . . . .  Eva Brawn.

She was reputed to be quite intelligent. . . . . Eva Brain

[JudyJudyJudy]

14 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Hitler's girlfriend was a big fan of seafood

 

Eva Prawn 

Lol

[JudyJudyJudy]

What do you call a snowman in the summer ? 

Spoiler

A puddle 

 

[JudyJudyJudy]

On 09/12/2025 at 22:02, superjack said:

I walked into the pub at the weekend and noticed slices of beef tied to the ceiling. I asked the barman "what are they for?"
He replied "if you can jump up, grab 1 and pull it off the ceiling, you'll get free beer all night. However, if you don't succeed, you have to pay me £100. So, do you want a go?"
I thought for a minute and replied "I would, but the stakes are too high"!!!!!!!

🤣🤣🤣

[JudyJudyJudy]

13 minutes ago, AyrJambo said:

She was reputed to be quite intelligent. . . . . Eva Brain

Herr sister Ada Brain was also quite intelligent 

[lost in space]

3 minutes ago, JudyJudyJudy said:

Herr sister Ada Brain was also quite intelligent 

Unlike her poor brother Noah.

[JudyJudyJudy]

35 minutes ago, lost in space said:

Unlike her poor brother Noah.

😂

[Percival King]

On 20/12/2025 at 19:36, rudi must stay said:

Hitler's girlfriend was a big fan of seafood

 

Eva Prawn 

I read that she dumped Hitler - Eva Gone

[AyrJambo]

17 hours ago, Jamstomorrow said:

I heard she was a fan of meat jelly. . . . .  Eva Brawn.

I heard she was partial to a pickle or two - Eva Brine

[Dawnrazor]

[Tazio]

[AyrJambo]

5 minutes ago, Tazio said:

[AyrJambo]

18 hours ago, Jamstomorrow said:

I heard she was a fan of meat jelly. . . . .  Eva Brawn.

 

47 minutes ago, AyrJambo said:

I heard she was partial to a pickle or two - Eva Brine

Mind you, she had to up her fibre intake after all that - Eva Bran

[Morgan]

7 minutes ago, AyrJambo said:

 

Mind you, she had to up her fibre intake after all that - Eva Bran

Loved Sunbeds.

 

Ever Brown.

[Brian Whittaker's Tache]

Most 80s synth bands like nothing more at Christmas than to share a selection of cheddars with friends & family.

Not Depeche Mode though. They have their own, personal cheeses.

 

[Pepe le pew]

On 20/12/2025 at 19:36, rudi must stay said:

Hitler's girlfriend was a big fan of seafood

 

Eva Prawn 

Never away from the bakers  Eva scone