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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Walked out the house the other day & there was 12 guys battering the mother in law,neighbour ran over to me & said "are you not going to help" I just said " no 12 should be enough"!!!!!

 

 

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I was walking through the jungle and found a pygmy sitting on top of a dead elephant. I asked him how he killed it and he said he'd done it with his club. It must be a hell of a size of a club to kill an elephant I said. Yep he replied, there are 35 of us in it.

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Brian Whittaker's Tache

My life was in tatters because of my obsession with the Hokey-Cokey.


But I turned myself around and that's what it's all about!


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Seymour M Hersh

Is that an old Chic Murray joke?  Here are a couple of others:

 

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

 

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

 

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

 

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

 

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

 

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

 

A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

 

Tommy Cooper iirc but loved Chic Murray and they all probably shared these one liners back in the day.

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Sawdust Caesar

How do you circumcise a whale?

You send down four skin divers.

 

A defence lawyer meets with his client. "The blood tests have come back and we have good news and bad news." "So what's the bad news?" asks the client. "Your DNA matches the blood found on the victim, the murder weapon an the getaway car." "Ok so what's the good news?" says the client. The lawyer replies "You cholesterol is down to 120"

 

Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker. " I know what you're getting for your birthday, Luke, I have felt your presents."

 

A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "Wow, that is really lovely, where did you get him?" "In France," replies the parrot. "They've got millions of 'em."

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Man with a stutter gets stopped by the police whist driving his van.

The officer asks where has is come from

He replies  La La La La La  La Larkhall

When asked where he is going he says Up Up Up Up Up Uphall

 

Officer asks what he has in the van he replies FU FU FU FU FU

 

 

 

 

Furniture

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Man with a stutter gets stopped by the police whist driving his van.

The officer asks where has is come from

He replies La La La La La La Larkhall

When asked where he is going he says Up Up Up Up Up Uphall

 

Officer asks what he has in the van he replies FU FU FU FU FU

 

 

 

 

Furniture

3 guys with stutters in the waiting room of a speech therapists, lovely blonde receptionist comes through and says 'right, if you can tell me where you're from without stuttering, I'll give you a blowjob right here'.

 

The men all look in amazement and quickly get themselves fired up. The first guy says, 'I'm from G-G-G-Glasgow! Shit!'

 

The second guy sits up confidently and says, 'Manch-ch-ch-ch-chester! Oh no!'.

 

Finally the last guy pipes up and casually says in a strong Northern Irish accent, 'London!'

 

As promised the receptionist pulls down the mans trousers and does the deed, at which point the man breathes a sigh of relief and says, 'D-D-D-Derry'.

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Englishman, Scotsman, Welsman and Irishman are swimming off Bondi Beach when a pack of sharks (school of sharks?) attack and in next to no time the the Englishman, Welshman and Irishman are devoured.

 

The sharks, though, ignore the Scotsman.

 

The Coastguard arrive and one says "Jeez, mate, how come they did not touch you?"

 

The bloke says, "it's like this, on my stag night my so-called friends got me drunk and took me to a tattoo parlour I and got this"

 

He points to the back of his right leg which has the words ' Hibs - Edinburghs best football team.'

 

Says the man "Not even the sharks will swallow that."

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I used to work in a Bicycle factory. I was chief Spokesman.

 

I was given 1000 drawing pins for nout today. Tax free.

 

I got to work this morning and the Stationery cupboard had been moved. That's ironic.

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highlandjambo3

3 guys aged 20, 30 and 90 are at the doctors reception awaiting delivery of viagra............doc calles them in one at a time and askes why they wan't viagra:

 

 

20y replies "Just got a new girlfriend and we are going to make love for the firs time tonight and, I wan't it to be special"...........no probs replies the doc, here's your viagra...........

 

30y replies "taking my wife away on our aniversary and I want to treat her to a good time"................no probs...........here is your viagra.

 

90y replies "am not in any relationship, I have no wife or partner.......in fact, I have not had sex for 30 years...................am just fed up pishing over my slippers when I go to the toilet...........

 

TAXI

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Englishman, Scotsman, Welsman and Irishman are swimming off Bondi Beach when a pack of sharks (school of sharks?) attack and in next to no time the the Englishman, Welshman and Irishman are devoured.

 

The sharks, though, ignore the Scotsman.

 

The Coastguard arrive and one says "Jeez, mate, how come they did not touch you?"

 

The bloke says, "it's like this, on my stag night my so-called friends got me drunk and took me to a tattoo parlour I and got this"

 

He points to the back of his right leg which has the words ' Hibs - Edinburghs best football team.'

 

Says the man "Not even the sharks will swallow that."

:lol:

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Worst thing a man can do with a joke is to offer a "better" (in his opinion) punchline.

 

So (a) it's a crap thing to do and (b ) I have no shame, so here goes...

 

 

90y replies "am not in any relationship, I have no wife or partner.......in fact, I have not had sex for 30 years...................am just fed up pishing over my slippers when I go to the toilet...........

 

TAXI

...I'm just fed up with rolling out of bed in the middle of the night

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Worst thing a man can do with a joke is to offer a "better" (in his opinion) punchline.

 

So (a) it's a crap thing to do and (b ) I have no shame, so here goes...

 

...I'm just fed up with rolling out of bed in the middle of the night

...I like to read under the covers

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highlandjambo3

Unconscious

Worst thing a man can do with a joke is to offer a "better" (in his opinion) punchline.

 

So (a) it's a crap thing to do and (b ) I have no shame, so here goes...

 

...I'm just fed up with rolling out of bed in the middle of the night

Heard one similar but can't quite remember.............................summit about a nurse giving an Unconscious patient viagra to stop him rolling out of bed 

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The Wrinkly Ninja

Native American is out in the roasting sun all day and gets sunburnt to ****

 

Goes to see the witch doctor.

 

Witch doctor tells him " only cure, wait until all are sleeping, sneak into your best friends teepee, slit his throat and boil him in pot over fire until you have a thick paste. Spread over body and next day - will be gone".

 

Sure enough, he does what his told, wakes up the next day and the sunburn has gone.

 

So goes to see the witch doctor and says " that really worked, what do you call it?"

 

Doctor says " palomine lotion"

Edited by The Wrinkly Ninja
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Went out with a gypsy bird last night,she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train, and left with a goldfish.

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

 

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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Seymour M Hersh
A few classics from one of this country's greatest joke writers, Bob Monkhouse.

 

 

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

 


I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.

 


What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.

 


My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

 


I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer

 


My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said "Why?" and she said "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already".

 

 





Edited by Seymour M Hersh
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There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes??

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

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There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes??

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

Pmsl
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Guy wins ?2000 on the horses, so he goes for a wee bevy to celebrate. So at closing time he's a bit pissed and he realises he'll have to find somewhere to hide his winnings, as his wife will dip his pockets.

So when he gets home he thinks, where can I put this without her finding it. So he rolls it up and sticks it up his bum.

Sure enough his mrs is on the hunt for money while he's lying in his bed asleep. She looks everywhere and can't find it, just as she's about to give up, he farts and a fifty floats up then he farts again and another fifty floats up.

So the next morning he wakes up and feels his bum realising his monies gone, he checks and checks again.

His wife asks"Whats wrong"

To this, he replies" Im not feeling too grand".

Edited by aussieh
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And he's not praying

There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.?

So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds.

She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes??

?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.?

 

 

:D

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What's got 50 legs but can't walk?

 

Half a centipede.

 

 

I quit my job at the helium factory.  I refuse to be spoken to in that tone       (courtesy of Stewart Francis)

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Teacher is asking the kids if they can tell a story with a moral behind it.  She goes around each of the kids in turn and eventually gets to wee Johnnie, and asks him if he has a story.

 

Wee Johnnie says yes, my grandpa fought in the war and one day his unit came under attack from a much larger German force.  They took shelter in a ditch and started to fight off the Germans as best they could, but gradually the Germans picked the rest of his unit off until Grandpa was the last man standing.  But he kept fighting off the Germans, grabbing his dead comrades guns and using two at a time.

 

Eventually, there were only a handful of Germans left alive, when the last gun ran out of ammo.  So Grandpa  reached into his kit bag and pulled out a bottle of whisky, and pulled another one from one of his comrades bags.  He downed both bottles at once, just as the remaining Germans were reaching the ditch.  Then he went mental and started to lay into them with the empty bottles, slashing out at them until eventually he had killed the last of them.

 

That's an interesting story, said Teacher, but what's the moral.

 

Wee Johnnie replied, 'don't **** about with my Grandpa when he's pished'.

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What do you call a fly with no wings?.

A walk.

 

Whats the difference beween an apple and an orange?.

Have you ever seen an apple walk.

 

What do call a dog with no tongue?.

Smelly baws.

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It is wee Johnnys first day at school and he is a bit nervous and anxious. His mum tells him he'll be ok, not to worry and sends him through the gate promising to pick him up at 3 o'clock.

 

As promised his mum picks him up after school and on the way home she asks him "How was your first day at school Johnny?"

"Well mum" he replies "I made love to the biology teacher"

 

"What!!" exclaims his mum and when they get back home she sends him straight to his bedroom shouting "Wait till your father gets home and hears about this!"

 

So 6 o'clock comes and wee Johnnys dad gets home and stomps up the stairs and bursts into the bedroom. "Right Johnny, your mother told me what happened and she has sent me up here to give you a bollocking. But to be honest - your five years old, first day of school and you made love to the biology teacher, wow that is some going son I'm impressed. You know that bike you wanted for Christmas? I'll go and get it for you tomorrow"

 

"Thats great dad" says Johnny "but can you leave it for a week or two, my arse is still sore"

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Sawdust Caesar

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

 

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

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A boy is walking along Easter Road when he spots a Hibs season ticket nailed to a fence - clearly left there by a disgruntled Hibs fan after yet another poor start to a season. He can't believe his luck and says "I'm having that! You can never have too many nails."

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An English guy,a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer, concerned that they can't see him properly he moves over and shouts to them "is that better guys?"

 

They reply, "Yes" "oui" "Si" "yah"

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Big Slim Stylee

I was very disappointed when I took my kids to the zoo recently.

The only animal on display was a dog.

It was a Shihtzu.

I stuck that one up on FB the other day....I agree with Rob. Some things just make you giggle for no real reason:)

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I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We've never played Monopoly again.....

 

Love this  :2thumbsup:  :2thumbsup:

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Seymour M Hersh

Did you hear about the deaf pirate?

 

He had no Buccaneers.

 

Q. How many ears does James T Kirk have?

 

A. 3. A left ear, a right ear and of course the final frontier.

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