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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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the jambo poet

Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman marooned on a desert island for 15 years together. Finally a bottle washes ashore .. The Scotsman picks it out the water it's all dirty so he rubs it with his sleeve and to their amazement a genie pops out.

 

"I normally grant three wishes" says the genie "but in this case I shall give you 1 wish each"

 

The Scotsman says for my wish I want to go back to the lochs and heather laden highlands back to the land of my fathers .... And poof the next thing he's in the highlands.

 

The Englishman says for his wish he wants to return to England, to London, to his castle, to be back with his family ... And poof the next thing he is in London

 

Paddy stands for a moment thinking ..and says aw I miss me pals I wish they were here ...

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Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death.

They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what.

" lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver.

The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart.

The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite"

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Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death.

They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what.

" lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver.

The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart.

The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite"

Surely it would have been more sensible to start on the fleshy bits? Camel meat tastes good!

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Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death.

They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what.

" lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver.

The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart.

The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite"

Still, could have been a Scunthorpe fan

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3 guys walking through the jungle get captured by a tribe. The tribe leader tells them that they are about to be tied to a tree and shot through the heart by their ace archer.

While tied to the tree each man can have one last request, the first man asks for a roast beef dinner. Polishes it off then the ace archer steps up and fires a shot right through the mans heart.

2nd man is tied to the tree and asks for a pint of ice cold lager, polishes it off then the archer again fires a shot right through the mans heart.

 

3rd man is tied to the tree, the tribe ask what his last request is and he asks for aftershave.... The tribe look stunned but give the man aftershave and he douses the whole bottle all over himself.

The ace archer steps up, fires his shot and it goes under the mans right arm, the tribe are shocked as the archer never misses, the archer fires again, this time it goes under the mans left arm, the tribe can't beleive it, the tribe leader tells the man if the archer misses again it is tribe law he has to be let free.... Up steps the archer and fires a shot right over the mans head!

 

True to their word the man is let free, as the man is walking away the tribe leader asks him what kind of aftershave it was .... ARAMIS the man replied :-)

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A Hearts fan and a Hibs fan uncover a legend about a magical cliff, where if you jump off of it, you'll be transformed into whatever you shout as you go.

 

The Hearts fan goes first, checks to make sure the path is clear, then takes a few steps back, runs and jumps.  As he starts to fall, he shouts, "eagle!" and sure enough, he transforms into an eagle and flies away.

 

The Hibs fan goggles at this a bit, screws up his courage, and stumbles towards the cliff.  Right as he's about to go over, he trips on a rock, and says, "aw, shite!"

 

Nothing happens.

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German POW camp and it is Christmas Time.

 

The Kommandant gets all the prisoners from both the huts lined up and shouts

 

'As a special Christmas present we are going to allow you all to have a change of underwear !'

 

This was met by loud cheers from the prisoners.

 

'Hut A will change with Hut B' laughed the Kommandant.

 

Is this a joke?

 

A Hearts fan and a Hibs fan uncover a legend about a magical cliff, where if you jump off of it, you'll be transformed into whatever you shout as you go.

 

The Hearts fan goes first, checks to make sure the path is clear, then takes a few steps back, runs and jumps.  As he starts to fall, he shouts, "eagle!" and sure enough, he transforms into an eagle and flies away.

 

The Hibs fan goggles at this a bit, screws up his courage, and stumbles towards the cliff.  Right as he's about to go over, he trips on a rock, and says, "aw, shite!"

 

Nothing happens.

 
:rofl:
Edited by BarasaMad
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A priest, a rabbi, a minister and Buddhist walk into a pub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What perfect example of an integrated community.

antijoke.com ?

Edited by BarasaMad
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How many psyhcologists does it take to change a light bulb ?

 

None . the light bulb must want to change.

 

I used to be a member of an origami club .......but it folded.

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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*%# ME!"...

 

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life!

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I will admit that this one has lost me.

Had to look this one up -

essay = ese - same pronunciation if ese was pronounced in spanish

ese = some slang spanish speakers call each other. like dude

a mexican midget is called a paragraph because hes too short to be a dude

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Man has the name of his girlfriend, Wendy, tattooed onto his willy to prove his love. 

 

One night out, he goes to the toilet and a Jamaican stands next to him at the urinal.  The man cannot help but notice that the Jamaican also has 'Wendy' tattooed onto his willy. 

 

'Same idea as me mate?' asks the man.  Got your birds name tattooed on yer willy to show your commitment?

'No my friend' says the Jamaican.  Mine is a traditional West Indian welcome. It says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'.

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Polis at the door last night.

He said "We've had complaints your dogs have been chasing people on bikes".

I said "No, it can't be my be dogs, my dogs haven't got bikes".

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Na, the Fast Show about 20 years ago!

It's from a John Thompson character called Bernard Righton. Before The Fast Show he toured with Steve Coogan doing the warm up as Righton.

 

Why I've taken the time to point this out I'm unsure.

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Polis at the door last night.

He said "We've had complaints your dogs have been chasing people on bikes".

I said "No, it can't be my be dogs, my dogs haven't got bikes".

:lol: lovely stuff

 

Similar to the premis of the joke/

My dog has no nose

How does it smell?

Terrible

 

That might have been in Mary Poppins

Edited by GlasgoJambo
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2 dyslexics in a room. One says to the other "can you smell gas?". "Aye, G-S-A", says the other.

 

How did Mary fall off the swing? Because she had no arms or legs.

 

Knock knock. Who's there? Well, not Mary.

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Did yoy hear about the Irishman that tried to blow up a bus?.

He burnt his lips on the exhaust.

 

Did you hear about the Irish papershop?.

It blew away.

 

Did you hear about the Irish ice cream van?

It melted.

Edited by aussieh
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Why do you call a Mexican dwarf a paragraph?

 

He's too small to be a full essay

Hahaha don't worry I got it. Cracking joke.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the idiot's house.

 

Knock knock.

 

Whose there?

 

The chicken.

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Teacher to a class of 5-year-olds.

 

Now then children - who put a contraceptive behind the radiator?

 

Please miss, whats a radiator?

Edited by deesidejambo
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Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A snooker table.

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On a romantic encounter,

 

The lady to the priest, what a small organ you have !!

 

The priest to the lady,   it?s never played in a cathedral before !!

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Dionne Warwick singing  Do you know the way to San Jose

 

Reply  I think you turn left at Tranent

 

Just getting my coat and away to the game.

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Went to the doctors the other day and told him I felt like a pair of curtains.  He told me to pull myself together. 

 

Is that an old Chic Murray joke?  Here are a couple of others:

 

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

 

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

 

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

 

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

 

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

 

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

 

A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

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A man and his wife are at the airport, ready to check in.

 

Wife ; You?re very quiet.  Is everything all right?

 

Man: Och, I?m just wishing we had our piano here.

 

Wife:  The piano?? Why on earth would we want the piano at an airport?

 

Man: Because our plane tickets ? and the passports ? are on it.

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Another Chic Murray joke:

 

I was at the Olympics and I saw a man with a long stick over his shoulder. I said "Are you Pole vaulter" and he replied "No German, but how did you know my name was Vaulter?"

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Another from Chic. "I was walking along the road and I saw a house with a bed and breakfast sign outside. I walked up the path and knocked at the door. This woman leaned out of an upstairs window and asked what I wanted. I'd like to stay here, I said. Stay there as long as you like she replied and closed the window."

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friendly_jasper

lenny henry walks into a doctors with a frog on his head ,  the doc says "what seems to be the problem"  and the frog says "well it started as a blackhead on my arse".

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