Vlad Magic Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 Bang on trend this one. How does Prince Andrew have his Whisky? 12 years old and full of coke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 2 hours ago, Vlad Magic said: Bang on trend this one. How does Prince Andrew have his Whisky? 12 years old and full of coke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted November 18, 2019 Share Posted November 18, 2019 Right Guard are about to release the world's most effective deodorant. The new underarm andy-perspirant will be available in the shops next week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted November 19, 2019 Share Posted November 19, 2019 (edited) 5 hours ago, Vlad Magic said: Bang on trend this one. How does Prince Andrew have his Whisky? 12 years old and full of coke. edit: half expect Andy’s head to pop up behind that emoticon Edited November 19, 2019 by luckyBatistuta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamhammer Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 On 06/11/2019 at 22:49, narre said: "What do you do?" "I'm a spy. " "Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?" "I'm a shepherd spy!" Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 21, 2019 Share Posted November 21, 2019 My mate has a bit of a stammer so I sent him to the shop to buy me some Maltesers. The twat came back with M&M's! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 A woman goes to the hairdresser and asks, "What kind of cut would make me look better?" The hairdresser replies, "A power cut." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Magic Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 What is Robin Hoods girlfriend called? Trudy Glen 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 Just before I went for surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a paddle. It was an ether / oar situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 What do you call an Aberdonian with a sheep under both arms? A Playboy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 46 minutes ago, ri Alban said: What do you call an Aberdonian with a sheep under both arms? A Playboy. I asked my Aberdonian friend to count how many lovers he’d had. He fell asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 I went to the barber’s earlier and said I wanted a haircut like Tom Cruise. He nodded and put a cushion on the chair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 My local barber got arrested for drugs. I've been going to him for years. I never knew he was a barber. I went to the barber’s and asked for a number two all over. I've washed my hair six times since and still can't get the smell out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 My boss is threatening to sack the employee who has the worst posture... I have a hunch it might be me! I've just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house... It's aimed at people who love meat tender! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 Last night at the pub this bloke ran in shouting, "All Tories are wankers." This bloke stood up and said, "I object to that." "Are you a Tory?" the bloke asked. "No I'm a ," the other replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted November 30, 2019 Author Share Posted November 30, 2019 I've been sick the last couple of days, the recent upturn in form's very welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 The police came to my door to say that my dogs have been chasing people on bikes. That's ridiculous. My dogs don't even own bikes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 8 hours ago, Swanny17 said: I asked my Aberdonian friend to count how many lovers he’d had. He fell asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 Superjack, Narre and the rest of the crew, over on the jokes thread. 👍 Oh and also, Frankie Boyle, Kevin Bridges, Bill Burr, Steve Hughes, Kevin Hart, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and The Big Yin. And plenty of others! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted November 30, 2019 Author Share Posted November 30, 2019 3 hours ago, ri Alban said: Superjack, Narre and the rest of the crew, over on the jokes thread. 👍 Oh and also, Frankie Boyle, Kevin Bridges, Bill Burr, Steve Hughes, Kevin Hart, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and The Big Yin. And plenty of others! Wrong thread, but one of my best ever nights was a Steve Hughes gig in Amsterdam. The snow was mental so everyone thought it was off but it ended up about 30 people getting a really intimate gig. Steve was brilliant and cos he knew he couldn't go out after, he ended up staying on for an extra hour trying new material out. Absolutely brilliant, haven't laughed that hard in years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 5 hours ago, ri Alban said: Superjack, Narre and the rest of the crew, over on the jokes thread. 👍 Oh and also, Frankie Boyle, Kevin Bridges, Bill Burr, Steve Hughes, Kevin Hart, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and The Big Yin. And plenty of others! Wrong thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Section Q Posted December 1, 2019 Share Posted December 1, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Getting the decorations out of the loft, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as it's called now, The Sex Offenders Register! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar... Every time I open a door on it someone tells me to **** off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 My wife asked me to pass her a chap-stick for her lips, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. Now she's not talking to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 What's the difference between someone falling from the 1st floor of a building and the 10th floor? From the 1st floor they go thump 'arghhhh!' From the 10th floor they go 'arghhh!' thump Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 2 hours ago, kila said: What's the difference between someone falling from the 1st floor of a building and the 10th floor? From the 1st floor they go thump 'arghhhh!' From the 10th floor they go 'arghhh!' thump My mate fell from the 10th floor and survived. He was wearing his light fawn suit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 I was looking into insurance for my bedding today. Duvet cover. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Found a suitcase in the woods today, inside was a fox & 4 cubs. So, I rang the RSPCA, they asked "Are they moving?" "Not sure"I said "but It'd explain the suitcase..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 Just now, Swanny17 said: Found a suitcase in the woods today, inside was a fox & 4 cubs. So, I rang the RSPCA, they asked "Are they moving?" "Not sure"I said "but It'd explain the suitcase..." 2 hours ago, kila said: What's the difference between someone falling from the 1st floor of a building and the 10th floor? From the 1st floor they go thump 'arghhhh!' From the 10th floor they go 'arghhh!' thump These are my kinda jokes, so perverse and and unfunny, I think they are hilariously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 Boy is very depressed but doesn't know exactly why. Walks down street and suddenly finds himself outside sex shop. Lightbulb moment... Its sex that its making him depressed or rather the lack of it. He looks around shop but cant see what might help. As he goes to leave, the owner asks if he can help. "no its ok" "well ive just come off phone with a very rich client. They had ordered a vibrating xxxxxx but they don't want it. Its worth £10k but i would sell it to you for £1k." "hmm. Let me see it" So boy sees it and sticks his little finger in... And buys it on spot. He takes it home to wife. "Agnes... You must admit our sex live is bad." "aye. Glad you have noticed" "well i have something that will sort it" "thank goodness. What is it?" So he shows her "but that is a vibrating xxxxxxx im a woman. How will that help. What am i supposed to do with that?" "teach it to cook and xxxx off" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 Just bought Cluedo "Swingers Edition"... Turns out they all did it.. . In every room! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were... She replied, "Aisle B, back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 I have a friend that sells second hand mountaineering equipment... It's money for old rope! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 I bought a coat from Debenhams in the sales. Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25. It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two. Bargain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 So I've asked the wife what she wants for Christmas. She said she wants some chocolate, and a nice surprise would be lovely... Kinder Egg it is then! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 On 02/12/2019 at 22:24, narre said: I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar... Every time I open a door on it someone tells me to **** off! Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?' The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 A man is hit by a car, and as he lies dying on the road. A woman places a pillow under his head and asks "Comfy?" And the man replies"Paisley" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Fantastic thread. Well done everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 I got hit by a council snowplough last night. It didn't even stop to see if I was alright. '*******', I called him through gritted teeth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting . After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we'd finished I asked her, "Do you shag everyone on a first date?" She said, "No. Only those who catch my eye!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, "I wonder how the girls are getting on?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?" I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner? " I said, "No, she’s an optician!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 A sex toy outlet is selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their vaginas. So now when a man goes down he can have an alcoholic beverage as well. However anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of 24 hour minge drinking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambothump Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 I shot my first Turkey yesterday. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
80bob Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 What’s the difference between a snow woman and a snowman...snowballs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
80bob Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 What’s a giants favourite Xbox game....FIFA fo fum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 A guy pulls a stunning blonde at a club and they end up back at her place. In the bedroom, she pulls off a wig, and she's bald. She howks her false eye out, plops her teeth in a glass, yanks false tits from her bra then unstraps a false leg. The guy makes a move for the door. 'Where are you going?, she asks. 'Sorry love, I've left my cock in my other trousers'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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