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Jambothump

A wise man said to his son, "if you can comprehend why a pizza is made round,  put in a square box, to be eaten in triangles, you may be able to understand women"

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Jambothump

Jokes only understood in Scotland
 
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ' 
  
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies. 
  
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography
..?
Oor Wullie. 
  
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke 
  
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
 

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' 
  
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.
 

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin. 
  
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies. 
  
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.' 
  
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo. 
  
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? 
A skean dhu. 
  
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Just Juan. 
  
'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? 
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' 
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe. 
  
'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? 
A wee fly b*****d. 
  
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line. 
  
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping. 
  
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies. 
  
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.' 
  
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel

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7 hours ago, Angus Ogg said:

Knock Knock

 

Whos there?

 

Deja

 

Deja who?

 

Knock Knock

Just, Naw!

 

 

:getout:

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Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Twit

 

Twit who?

 

Did you hear a f****** owl?

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Angus Ogg
6 hours ago, ri Alban said:

Just, Naw!

 

 

:getout:

 

Try it on someone n see how long it takes them to realise 

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4 minutes ago, Angus Ogg said:

 

Try it on someone n see how long it takes them to realise 

I'm sure I have, but I cannae remember when.

Do you ever get that?

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Angus Ogg
3 hours ago, ri Alban said:

I'm sure I have, but I cannae remember when.

Do you ever get that?

 

Nice try ??

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  • 1 month later...
Maple Leaf

The airport is very busy and there is a long line at the check-in counter. A very attractive young ground hostess is trying her best to get the passengers checked in as quickly as possible.

 

An officious little squirt of a man walks to the head of the line and demands to be checked in next.

 

"You'll need to get in line, sir," she tells him politely.

 

"But I'm in a hurry," he snaps. "Check me in now!"

 

"No. Everyone's in a hurry, sir. You need to get in line."

 

"**** you," he snarls at her.

 

"You'll need to get in line for that as well," she replies coolly.

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132goals1958

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer.

Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

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A Boy Named Crow
4 hours ago, 132goals1958 said:

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer.

Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

Yaaaaaasssssssss, I’ll be stealing this one!!!

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Marks & Spencer have an offer at their cafes at the moment.

You can have an ordinary coffee or one that's a single source from a Portuguese-speaking South American country.

I have never tried it.  Do you really think I would walk in and with all those people listening ask for a Brazilian?

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The Real Maroonblood
On 09/06/2019 at 16:14, 132goals1958 said:

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles he asked me if I wasn,t afraid that he might be a serial killer.

Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

Brilliant. 

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highlandjambo3

A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen  walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” 

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23 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said:

A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen  walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” 

:D

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Paddy walks into the bookies. He asks the Bookie. "Can I back a horse in here" Bookie says"Aye!" 

So Paddy opens the shop door and shouts "RIGHT! NICE AND SLOWLY, NOW!"

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1 hour ago, highlandjambo3 said:

A Dyslexic piper from Aberdeen  walks into a kilt hire shop to try on a new rig...... the shop assistant hands him a pair or brogues to try on, the piper looks perplexed as he holds up the right fitting brogue and shouts to the assistant “ fit, fit fit’s fit fit?” 

 

:confused:

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16 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

What foot fit's what foot.

 

Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in?

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4 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in?

He's getting fitted for a new Highland dress, he's dyslexic and doesn't know his left from right.

 

Could be wrong.

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highlandjambo3
13 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

Thanks. I'd never have got that. But where does him being a piper fit in?

I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop

 

Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect.  You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon.

6 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

He's getting fitted for a new Highland dress, he's dyslexic and doesn't know his left from right.

 

Could be wrong.

You are correct 

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7 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said:

I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop

 

Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect.  You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon.

You are correct 

 

I'll put that on my bucket list; very low on my bucket list.  Very low! :wink:

 

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Waitress: "Are you ready to order?" Me: "My wife is in the ladies." Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?" Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!"

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17 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said:

I somehow had to get him into a shoe shop

 

Loon......you clearly have never heard a sheep molester belt out their full dialect.  You should visit the granite city at some point on your travels...... spark up a robust conversation in a pub, it’s like talking to a Klingon.

You are correct 

Never had the full experience, but used to talk to a girl and her pals on MSN years ago from Peterhead. The first time she said 'fit like' I thought she was giving me a compliment. :confused:

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Nintendo have brought out a new game where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing up cars, stabbing people and robbing houses… It's called 'Wii *******'

 

3 replies 86 retweets 310 likes
 
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Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window... Bloody toot and car moon!

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I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

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I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Yes." I said, "Well **** off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, "Boo!" Honestly some people are sick in the head!

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A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?" The hostage replies, "Yes." The robber takes aim and shoots the hostage dead. He turns to the next man and asks, "And did you see my face?" The man replies, "No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"

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I saw Sinead O'Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind of activity she'd seen... "It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays!

 

 

A couple of people knocked on my door wanting to talk to me about brown bread... Bloody Hovis witnesses!

 

 

Two men were walking down the road when they saw a blind dog shagging a cabbage. One of the men said, "Poor dog. Must have thought it was a collie!"

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2 hours ago, Cygnet said:

What’s a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

 

A shoe. 

 

 

What's about 6 inches long, and starts with a P? A shite.

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What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

 

 

What's the definition of frustration? A one armed man, hanging from a cliff, with itchy baws.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My mate who has been waiting for a Bone Marrow transplant and after a few unsuccessful attempts just about gave up hope then got the news that there was a perfect match for him but unfortunately donor was in Argentina  but he managed to raise the cash to fly out and complete the transplant and is doing great 

So many thanks to DIEGO MARROW DONOR 

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  • 2 weeks later...
1 hour ago, I P Knightley said:

Message to the person who stole my limbo dancing equipment:

 

Just how low can you get?

It wasn’t stolen from a North Berwick Hotel perchance?

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Sawdust Caesar

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

 

• Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

 

• Jane ate her friend's colon.

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Say What Again
2 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

Message to the person who stole my limbo dancing equipment:

 

Just how low can you get?

 

 

To the person who stole my spectacles.

 

I will find you. I have contacts.

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A guy is being interviewed for a job:

 

Manager:   What would you say is your biggest fault?

Guy:  I'm too honest.

Manager:  I don't think honesty is a fault.

Guy:  I don't give a **** what you think

 

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I P Knightley
1 hour ago, Morgan said:

It wasn’t stolen from a North Berwick Hotel perchance?

You've got me there, Morgan. :mw_confused:

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On 28/06/2019 at 13:49, samgolden said:

My mate who has been waiting for a Bone Marrow transplant and after a few unsuccessful attempts just about gave up hope then got the news that there was a perfect match for him but unfortunately donor was in Argentina  but he managed to raise the cash to fly out and complete the transplant and is doing great 

So many thanks to DIEGO MARROW DONOR 

:rofl: :yas: 

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