Jump to content
Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

Recommended Posts

Lemongrab

What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost?

 

A cocker poodle boo.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

I don't know

 

One.

 

Two.

 

One-two.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

I don't know

 

Cos you weren't there man.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ach, you probably won't get it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HexhamJambo

What's the fastest cake?

 

Scone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InNothingWeTrust

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

How many Spanish Glaswegians does it take to change a lightbulb

 

Juan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

One

 

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

Edited by GlasgoJambo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Ha :lol: forgot about Dre

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

The answer's an inedible singing fish.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure.

 

We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me.

 

O, V, N, R.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rick Grimes

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?

 

For drizzle.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kalamazoo Jambo

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tazio

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two, one to change the bulb and one to suck my boaby.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FWJ

Why does it take a woman with PMT all day to change a light bulb?

 

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Smithee

Ha :lol: forgot about Dre

Chronic patter

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maiden Gorgie

Chronic patter

 

Enough Dre jokes, time for the next episode

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GlasgoJambo

How does Mr Miyagi relax?

 

Whacks off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kmeister

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ar$e?

 

Warren

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Boris

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Smithee

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hearts007

Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit.

Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8"

"Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through.

" The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her.

" I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied.

"Oh I unnerstaun noo"

"What is it" I said

 she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FWJ

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?

 

Douglas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
jambos are go!

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

Tennish.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ryan Jarman
I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LeftBack

Boy goes to doctors, naked but wrapped in clingfilm.

 

The doc says: "I can clearly see your nuts'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aussieh

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

How do you save a unionist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WSTR

What makes a cow go moo?

 

Bananas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Smithee

What's green and smells like bananas?

 

Monkey sick

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
robbodog

Jokes about white sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar? demerara

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
robbodog

There was an explosion at the alphabet factory, it could spell disaster

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lemongrab

I thought I was drowning in a fizzy orange ocean.

 

Turned out it was just a fanta sea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tazio

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins. 

 

It was a turtle disaster.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Thaw

A sheep, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff together... what does it sound like?

 

Ba-dum-sss!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
deesidejambo

Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A snooker table.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
deesidejambo

Irishman goes into B&Q

 

That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in?

 

Why? Is it electric?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
deesidejambo

Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm..............

 

Do you sell fishcakes here?

 

Yes sir.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
deesidejambo

Two snakes slithering through the jungle........

 

Dad.  Are we venomous snakes or constrictors?

 

Thats a strange question son, why do you ask?

 

Cos I've just bitten my lip.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
deesidejambo

Two peanuts walking along the road.

 

 

One got assaulted.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
martoon

Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Barack

Parallel lines have so much in common.

 

It's a shame they'll never meet.

 

What do you call Batman when he skips church?

 

Christian Bale.

 

Voldemort: Knock Knock

Harry Potter: Who's there?

Voldemort: You know

Harry Potter: You know who?

Voldemort: Exactly!

Edited by robster1980

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I P Knightley

Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ?

Today and Tomorrow?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pans Jambo

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance"

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance"

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
martoon

Today and Tomorrow?

 

Tuesday and Thursday.

 

?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Brian Whittaker's Tache

I've just made a lovely sandwich.

Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece

 

 

 

I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography.

Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to

 

 

"Update the force, Luke"
Adobe Wan Kenobi

 

 

Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture

 

 

Never give up on your dream.

Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.

(Mostly nicked from Twitter!)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paolo

What does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet?

 

Underlay, Underlay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pans Jambo

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
aussieh

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Also:

"How am I getting out. Mick?".

 

"Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy".

 

:rofl:, "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Australis......

Went to the dentist.

The dentist said "good morning hows the mouth"

I said "she has just taken our two boys to school"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×