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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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smithy

How do you know there is an elephant in your living room?

 

His bikes in the hall.

 

How do you know there are two elephants in your living room?

 

The back tyre is flat.

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FWJ

What do you call a deer with no eyes

 

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

Still no idea.

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Ryan Jarman

Continuing the cheese gags. 

 

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

 

Nacho cheese. 

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iantjambo

What a horrendous joke :lol:

Would the pie have HP sauce in it though ;)

Bet you lol'd though :jjyay:

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martoon

What did John Wayne call his kids?

 

The weans.

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rudolfskai

knock knock

 

who's there?

 

Europe

 

Europe who?

 

Naw you're a poo

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Der Kaiser

3 Teddy Bears in an airing cupboard. Which one is the hardest?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one in the tank.

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highlandjambo3

they don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo

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Zico

What did the constipated mathematician do?

 

Worked it out with a pencil.

:lol:

 

They don't have the Flintsones in Saudi Arabia. But Abu Dhabi do.

 

A carrot and a beetroot are watching Bullseye. The carrot's being a dick to the beetroot so after a while, the beetroot batters the carrot. You can't bully a bit of beet.

Edited by Zico

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michael_bolton

My personal favourite is more of a visual/have to be there joke.

 

I like to claim the nearest colleague's cuppa, then place it in front of my work station. I then tell the person next to me that I don't really like my computer. When he/she asks why I say 'It's not my cup of tea'.

 

Maybe you have to be there. I don't care. I know I'm hilarious :2thumbsup:

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highlandjambo3

toothless woodworm crawls into a pub and asks..................."where's the bar tender"............ :thumbsdown:

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highlandjambo3

they don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo

 

 

I even checked how to spell Abu Dhabi.................and still typed it wrong........DOH!!

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His name is

For example

 

The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot

 

Make me cringe kickback

That's my party piece [emoji1]

 

Sent from my D5833 using Tapatalk

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aussieh

Knock Knock

whos there?

Avon, your bells fecked.

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Neilson's Shank

If the universe implodes, ach no matter

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aussieh

What do you call a deer with no eyes

 

No idea

What do you call a deer, with eyes and no legs?.

Still no idea.

Edited by aussieh

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friendly_jasper

two flies on a jobbie.... one farted and the other one said "cmon George not while im eating"

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Thunderstruck

What's the fastest place in Scotland

 

Ayr Toon Centre.

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Private Hudson

What's E.T. short for?

 

He's only got wee legs.

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Maple Leaf

knock knock

 

who's there?

 

Europe

 

Europe who?

 

Naw you're a poo

 

Pedantic:  knock knock

 

me: Who's there?

 

Pedantic: To

 

me: To who?

 

Pedantic: No, that should be 'To whom?'

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superjack

What do you call a deer, with eyes and no legs?.

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no tadger?

Still no fecking idea.

 

What type of bees give milk?

Boo bees.

 

What type of key can climb trees?

Mon key.

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Big D

My personal favourite is more of a visual/have to be there joke.

 

I like to claim the nearest colleague's cuppa, then place it in front of my work station. I then tell the person next to me that I don't really like my computer. When he/she asks why I say 'It's not my cup of tea'.

 

Maybe you have to be there. I don't care. I know I'm hilarious :2thumbsup:

 

I was delighted (after about a decade waiting) when a colleague asked me where to get copier toner.

it's in the stationary cupboard.

Where's that? 

Where it always is. it's the stationary cupboard. 

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Kmeister

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

Why should you never pick a fight with a Eucalyptus cough sweet?

Cos they are pure menthol.

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Haken

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your jammies?

Yer granny!

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WSTR

Knock Knock

Who's there

Jehovah's Witness'

**** off.

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Getintaethem

What's black and white and lies in the jungle?...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Tarzan's old St Mirren top.

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BarneyBattles

How do you kill a circus?

 

Go for the juggler.

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BarneyBattles

A man walks into the butchers and asks 'have you got a sheep's heid?

 

No says the butcher' it's just the way I part my hair'.

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Kmeister

What's and swings through the jungle?

 

Tarzan the Fridge.

 

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

 

What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

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I P Knightley

A man walks into the butchers and asks 'have you got a sheep's heid?

 

No says the butcher' it's just the way I part my hair'.

Man asks the butcher, "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?"

 

"Naw. Ah'm just warmin' ma hauns".

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I P Knightley

Knock knock

 

Who's there?

 

Interrupting Cow

 

Interrupting C...

 

 

MOOOOO!

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Smithee

Gay guy walks into a butcher and asks "can I have a mince round?"

 

"Aye on you go" says the butcher

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I P Knightley

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

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Kmeister

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

Rrrrrrrrrr

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Stupid Sexy Flanders

What's green and invisible?

 

This cabbage.

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I P Knightley

Rrrrrrrrrr

You'd have thought, but it be the C.

 

A-harrrr!

 

Without a P, they'd be irate.

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Maiden Gorgie

What did the blacksmith's dog do when it got a fright?

 

Made a bolt for the door

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Thunderstruck

You'd have thought, but it be the C.

 

A-harrrr!

 

Without a P, they'd be irate.

The name of the Pirate Robot - A-harr 2 D 2

What do Pirate Children learn - The 3 A-harrs

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Kalamazoo Jambo

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

 

A buccaneer.

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Jeff

Did you hear about the circumcisor with the shaky hand? He got the sack

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Alan_R

-whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didnt pay ?50 to have a lentil on my face

 

 

 

 

-what does a walrus and a tupperware box have in common?

they both like a good tight seal

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Pennywise

Why did the baker have brown hands?

 

Cos he was kneading a jobby.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Billy the Jambo

Whats black and white and eats like a horse  , A zebra

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Smithee

Did you hear about the circumcisor with the shaky hand? He got the sack

:laugh:

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RudiHMFC

Two monkeys in a bath

 

One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!'

 

The other says 'Put some cold in then'

 

Laughed at this for some reason :lol: :lol:

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RudiHMFC

Gay guy walks into a butcher and asks "can I have a mince round?"

"Aye on you go" says the butcher

Reminds me of the classic Harry Enfield sketch when his son's boyfriend asks for a Mince pie :rofl:

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FWJ

What's pink and hard?

 

 

A pig with a flick-knife.

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FWJ

What's pink and hard in the morning?

 

The Financial Times crossword

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Guess The Crowd

What's pink and hangs out your pants? Your mother

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Guest Bilel Mohsni

Wee rabbit called Bill has been feeling really ill for a few weeks. His friends (assortment of squirrels and hedgehogs etc) ask him round for supper one night and plan to try and find out what's wrong with him, and hopefully help him. So on the Friday night he agrees to meet them all at Kevin the Squirrel's house.

 

Tracy the hedgehog pops in to the kitchen and offers to make them all a bite to eat. Kevin and Bill want cheese and ham toasties. Tracy agrees and makes them all one each.

 

Half way through supper Kevin asks Bill what's wrong. Bill relents and says he has been feeling terrible recently, but he's not sure why.

 

Tracy asks if it is maybe the flu, but Bill doesn't think so, Kevin suggests a stomach bug, but again Bill doesn't look convinced.

 

"What have you eaten these last few weeks Bill?" Asks Tracy.

 

"Just this sort of thing, Tracy" Replies Bill... "I had a cheese and beans toastie on Monday, a chips and cheese one on Tuesday, a salad and tuna one on Wednesday, and yesterday I had a chicken and cheese one".

 

Suddenly Bill takes a bite of his snack, then stares right at both of his friends and looks terrified...

 

"OH MY GOD... I KNOW WHAT IT IS! ITS MIXING MY TOASTIES!"

 

Bill died. :(

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