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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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10 hours ago, jonesy said:

Mod meta jokes. That's all we need :( 

 

What is the JKB mods' favourite road?

 

The autobahn.

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JudyJudyJudy
On 15/05/2022 at 18:39, SexyCraigGordon said:

Was walking down the street n saw these cute wee dugs, asked the man walking them if they were jack Russells n he replied “naw they’re mine”

I read a few of those jokes but that really made me laugh. :) just daft but funny

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On 20/05/2022 at 19:43, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

Can an admin please explain why my post was removed?
 

My fence just fell over :(

 

can the mods explain why they pulled that thread?

 

my jumper is now unravelling

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A Boy Named Crow
1 hour ago, milky_26 said:

can the mods explain why they pulled that thread?

 

my jumper is now unravelling

Could the mods please explain what happened to the topic I started earlier? Could fair go some more chocolate. 

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped" says the Minister. "No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

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Maple Leaf
3 hours ago, superjack said:

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped" says the Minister. "No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

 

:thumb: Had to read it twice.

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A Regal and a Club are walking down the road and they see a Consulate walking towards them. So the regal say to the club "Let's get out of here, he's menthol" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:mmtaxi:

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On 28/05/2022 at 05:59, Maple Leaf said:

 

:thumb: Had to read it twice.

Glad I wasn't the only one 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Three football fans, a Tim, a Teddy Bear and a Hibbie, die and go to heaven (I know, but stick with me).

 

St Peter says to them: "There is one absolute rule, do not step on any of the dogs".

 

Within five minutes the Tim has stepped on a Poodle and, all of a sudden, he is grabbed and chained for ever to one of the ugliest women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

Half an hour later, the Teddy Bear steps on a Pekinese and, all of a sudden, he is grabbed and chained for ever to one of the ugliest women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

The Hibbie thinks: "I'd better be carful here" and does not move for a whole day.  St Peter is impressed and has him chained to one of the most beautiful women in Heaven.  For ever!

 

Did I say beautiful?  She was like Marilyn Monroe's prettier sister.

 

So the Hibbie says to her: "I can't believe what I did to deserve this".  And the woman says" "I can - I stepped on a dog."

 

 

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4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a criminal in the chippie. The chips have been salted 

I think this has been posted in the wrong thread.

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A Boy Named Crow
52 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I think this has been posted in the wrong thread.

Read the thread title again, some (not all) are pure gold...

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8 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Read the thread title again, some (not all) are pure gold...

Right enough.  👍

 

It’s just that @rudi must stay has set such a high standard with his erm..... jokes, that I thought he’d perhaps made a wee boo-boo.

 

Thanks for putting me straight.  :sadrobbo:

 

 

 

 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

Since there appears to be something Royal happening this weekend...

 

One night the Queen is on a guided tour of Piccadilly Circus admiring all the neon lights and advertising panels.

Spotting a wizened looking Scotsman sitting by a brazier wearing a half and half Rangers/Celtic scarf, she goes over and asks him:

"What exactly is it you do?"

And he replies: "I'm an O watcher."

Says her majesty, "An O watcher, how splendid. What exactly does that entail?".

The Scotsman points to a neon sign that declares "Countless women use Tampax" and says:

"I'm here in case the O goes out".

 

 

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13 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a criminal in the chippie. The chips have been salted 

And the fish battered!

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rudi must stay
20 hours ago, Morgan said:

Right enough.  👍

 

It’s just that @rudi must stay has set such a high standard with his erm..... jokes, that I thought he’d perhaps made a wee boo-boo.

 

Thanks for putting me straight.  :sadrobbo:

 

 

 

 

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

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10 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

:rofl:

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wentworth jambo
On 05/06/2022 at 12:00, rudi must stay said:

 

Did you hear about the dancing fisherman?

 

He caught a cod

Am I the only one that's :what:?

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Maple Leaf
53 minutes ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

 

No.  It's a wooosh moment for me too, but I was too shy to ask. :shy:

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1 hour ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

You’re not alone.

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1 hour ago, wentworth jambo said:

Am I the only one that's :what:?

Maybe the joke's supposed to be that he used and eightsome reel to catch the cod?

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7 minutes ago, Meathook said:

Maybe the joke's supposed to be that he used and eightsome reel to catch the cod?

Well, in that case...

 

 

:rofl:

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Watt-Zeefuik

There was a gent who came around selling used books. I asked him about one title that looked interesting. He had a little trouble speaking so he just said one word, "pithy!"

 

I put it aside and later noticed a terrible stink in the house, and eventually tracked it to the book. The bookseller came around again and I confronted him about it, and he said, "I thaid it wath pithy, why are you thuprithed?"

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35 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

Doctor Doctor I am afraid for my future

 

Ah well chin up tomorrow's a new day 

It’s definitely the way you tell ‘em.

 

 

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King Of The Cat Cafe

So, this Hibbie from Leith got married, even though his dad warned him about his intended being almost a spinster at the ripe old age of sixteen.

 

The morning after the wedding the Hibbie shows up at his dad's, alone.

“Where's your new bride?”, his dad asked

“I threw her out of the house.  It's all over between us," said the Hibbie.

 

“Well, I tried to warn you about her being a bit long in the tooth"

“Na, wasn't that. I threw her out because she was a virgin”.

 

After a short time to think, the old man puts his arm around his son's shoulder.

“You did the right thing, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own kin, she wasn't good enough for you”.

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On 03/06/2022 at 18:51, Chong said:

Lester Piggott's funeral is next Wednesday at 20/1 

Brilliant.

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Maple Leaf

Lifted from Facebook ...

 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am', but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
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2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

Lifted from Facebook ...

 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am', but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

get-out-leave.gif

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Isn't it marvellous the Technology we have Today? I mean if you told people only 40 years ago. That Today we'd have 3d Television. They'd have said,"Oh, that's CHEAP!!"

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2 hours ago, superjack said:

Isn't it marvellous the Technology we have Today? I mean if you told people only 40 years ago. That Today we'd have 3d Television. They'd have said,"Oh, that's CHEAP!!"

This joke must be well over 11 years old 🙂

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7 hours ago, RobboM said:

This joke must be well over 11 years old 🙂

Oops, slight typo. 

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The Real Maroonblood
9 minutes ago, Ron Burgundy said:

Just watched a film about anal bleaching.

 

All things considered it wasn't a bad film on the hole.

:rofl:

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For anyone who's interested,

I will be signing books in Waterstones bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am

until security throw me out

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When I lost my fingers in a freak accident,

I asked the doctor if I'd be able to use my hand again.

He said, "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it!"

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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the shitter next to me started smoking...

It was so disgusting

 

I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich!

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My wife came down from having a bath,

gave me a wink and said,

"I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"

 

I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"

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An old lady says to her husband,

"My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago.

" Her husband replied,

"They ought to be. One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!"

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