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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said

'You lying b@stard!

You've been playing golf!'

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

 

The 3rd Affair

A coroner was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the coroner

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

 

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover 

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence.'

'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'Twenty, pence' the barman replied.

'Twenty pence?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Unknown user
On 30/03/2022 at 05:25, narre said:

At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis... And three years later, that priest went to prison!

:laugh2:

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A Boy Named Crow
On 06/04/2022 at 21:08, Smithee said:

I found a grey pube yesterday :sad:

 

 

Nearly put me off my Big Mac.

Amirite?

 

:thumb:

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Unknown user
15 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Amirite?

 

:thumb:

 

I didn't say I stopped eating, I've found worse between my teeth after a night on the skite

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A Boy Named Crow
4 minutes ago, Smithee said:

 

I didn't say I stopped eating, I've found worse between my teeth after a night on the skite

:oohmatron::vrface::kirklol:

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie

for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £750 in

price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £750 and takes the

lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on

and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it

might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked

- return it tomorrow, get a refund and keep the money for

myself.'

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'effing hell, they weren't that creased in the shop'..

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2 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Posted that in the wrong thread 

What thread was it intended for?

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rudi must stay
39 minutes ago, Morgan said:

What thread was it intended for?

 

To be honest it's my humour an attempt to cheer myself up and it did for a few minutes 

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13 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

To be honest it's my humour an attempt to cheer myself up and it did for a few minutes 

Well, if it worked for you, I'm pleased.

 

👍

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Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. 
He asked his wife Marie if she would go to B&Q
to pick up a hinge and she agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer she noticed a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished Marie asked him, "how much is that bath tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated bath tap and the price is £195.00.
Marie exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap and certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.  
From the storeroom the manager yelled "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
She paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the bath tap."

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On 13/04/2022 at 16:34, jonesy said:

 


Which scientist is mad about the boabie?

 

Brian Cox.

 

Which footballer was inducted into the Hall of Fame?

 

Thierry Henry.

 

Am I doing this right?

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Woman in coma

 

A woman was in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried again, and noticed a sizeable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "As inappropriate as this sounds, it may be that a little gentle oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

A few moments later, the woman's monitor flat-lined - no pulse, no heart

 

rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"! they cried.

 

The husband said,

 

"I'm not sure. Maybe she choked?"

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On 13/04/2022 at 16:46, rudi must stay said:

Which musician has a Zimmer frame?

 

Hans Zimmer 

Which pop star had a 'Bowie' hairstyle?

 

Elton John.

 

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On 13/04/2022 at 15:46, rudi must stay said:

Which musician has a Zimmer frame?

 

Hans Zimmer 

and Robert Zimmerman

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1 hour ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a new man in charge of my beach

 

Cyril Sand 

Which one of the Beach Boys was called Ringo Starr?

 

John Lennon.

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old

man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you ha ve Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was wind - but I was wrong, too!"

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A farmer stopped at the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the DIY shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped at the pet shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. He struggled outside then realised he didn't have his truck so he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She said "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer answered, "as a matter of fact my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the tin of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley and we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"

The farmer said "Holy smokes lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Dick Dastardly

       Dr i think i need some ointment, my knobs all flakey and has turned orange

 

       Have you been using any new chemicals at work? 

 

       Na, i got laid off a few weeks ago. I'm so bored all i do is sit around watching P0rnhub and eating Whatsits

 

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superjack

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a

row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smellingfaintly of gardenias... She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...

 

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

 

Oh my God, fecking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

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1 hour ago, superjack said:

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a

row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smellingfaintly of gardenias... She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes...

 

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

 

Oh my God, fecking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

 

:D I remember I used to tell that one 40 years ago. Different punchline of course, but for the life of my I can't remember what it was.

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I P Knightley
48 minutes ago, redjambo said:

 

:D I remember I used to tell that one 40 years ago. Different punchline of course, but for the life of my I can't remember what it was.

"Do you want to play around?"

 

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs!"

 

Would that be it? It may have been one of Ronnie Corbett's monologues.

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50 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

"Do you want to play around?"

 

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs!"

 

Would that be it? It may have been one of Ronnie Corbett's monologues.

 

:D Yup, that was it.

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superjack

Ron Gordon was in Asda and a wee auld dear was struggling to get a box of the shelf, can you manage? he asked her

Feck off she said im no taking your poxy job.

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superjack

Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. 
He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty, the next door neighbor and they are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" 
He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." 
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" 
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

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Watt-Zeefuik

May have done this already . . .

 

Went into the pub the other day and said, "I've got a great joke about Hibs fans, want to hear it?"

 

The barkeep bent over the bar with an annoyed look and said, "before you tell it, you should know, I'm Hibs. See that big lad at the door? He's Hibs too. And see the waitress with the sharp knives? She's Hibs too. Now, do you want to tell us your joke?"

 

I said, "Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

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Watt-Zeefuik

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

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il Duce McTarkin
5 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

 

:D

 

Ffs

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13 hours ago, Led Tasso said:

A mind-controlled deodorizer makes scents if you think about it.

 

(taken from the newspaper it must be said)

 

2 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What's the most attractive position in a rugby team?

 

Hooker 

 

These two jokes are somewhat different in quality.

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Dick Dastardly

Some people say porn is degrading to women. Personally, i think some of the less hardcore stuff is acceptable but bukake is just rubbing it in their faces

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SexyCraigGordon

Was walking down the street n saw these cute wee dugs, asked the man walking them if they were jack Russells n he replied “naw they’re mine”

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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

 

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him, "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" 

 

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

 

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." 

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." 

 

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

 

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." 

 

"That's great," said the surgeon.

 

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

 

"That’s Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

 

"Well, just one," said the golfer, "Every time I get an hard on I also get a headache."

 

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, shoebee said:

Girlfriend sent me to the shop to get 6 cans of sprite, realised when I got home I had picked 7up

 

A variation on the very old joke of "Did you hear about the guy who gulped down 6 cokes but burped 7 up?"

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Two good old boys, Murphy and Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance Corporals. 

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Murphy says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only Privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Murphy, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. 

"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're Privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Murphy, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lass’s comes up to Murphy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Murphy pulls Paddy to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what 

Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." 

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Murphy the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Murphy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. 

Murphy says to Paddy, "Why the flipping heck did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Murphy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the Privates & we're Lance Corporals now."

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