I P Knightley Posted November 20, 2021 Share Posted November 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Der Kaiser said: Couple lying in bed one stormy night when there is a loud knock at their door around 3am. Guy goes downstairs and opens the door and there's a guy standing there soaked to his skin in the heavy rain. "I'm really sorry to bother you but Im not moving out here....is there any chance you could give me a push " "....Sorry mate...." he says and quickly closes the door. Goes back to his bed and climbs in. Girlfriend asks who is it and the boyfriend explains its some random asking for a push. At this point the Girlfriend sits up in bed and says "6 months ago we blew a tyre out on that country road on the way back from my parents. No phone signal, it was midnight, we had no spare, absolutely freezing and not a single car drove past us for nearly an hour but there was that one guy who stopped when he saw us. Let us sit in his car to warm up, gave us his spare tyre and even changed it for us. Made sure we were ok to drive and wouldn't even take any money from us. Imagine if he had just thought sorry mate and driven off" Boyfriend sighs and jumps out of bed, grabs a jacket and heads out his front door. The rain is pounding down now and the wind is howling. He shouts into the darkness "Hey mate, you there...still need that push?" In the darkness he hears "I do mate thanks" Boyfriend says "Where about are you?" "I'm over here on the swing" One of my all-time favourites! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 21, 2021 Share Posted November 21, 2021 A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any p"""c hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said.... "but the bloody darts team hadn't! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 I saw Sir Lancelot on a female horse in my dreams. It was a knight mare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted November 23, 2021 Share Posted November 23, 2021 On 19/11/2021 at 04:30, superjack said: Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow. "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" Paddy replied. Good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 1 hour ago, superjack said: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted November 24, 2021 Share Posted November 24, 2021 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Fancy Dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted December 2, 2021 Share Posted December 2, 2021 A man went to the doctor he had 14toy horses stuck in his rectum but his condition is thought to be stable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 Why do psychiatrists call everyone something end in path? So they can walk up them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 1 hour ago, **** the SPFL said: Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 22 minutes ago, jb102 said: The classic "Shite on the Windaes"by Hooflung Dung. Forgot about that one I’m sure there’s more but memory fades with age lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted December 3, 2021 Share Posted December 3, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 19 hours ago, **** the SPFL said: Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays puddle on the toilet floor by i.p freely Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 23 hours ago, **** the SPFL said: Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays Fliptop by Lydia Fagpacket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Whos the nicest person in a hospital ? The ultrasound guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 3 minutes ago, JamesM48 said: Whos the nicest person in a hospital ? The ultrasound guy who is the second nicest person in a hospital? the hip replacement guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said: Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays Still raking in the royalties Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 31 minutes ago, milky_26 said: who is the second nicest person in a hospital? the hip replacement guy Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 39 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: Still raking in the royalties Good one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Saw an old man collecting trolleys in the supermarket car park today. I felt sorry for him... He must have been pushing 70! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 I'm bringing out a version of the Band Aid song... 'Duvet Know It's Christmas?' It's a cover! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 A bloke just asked me if I'd any idea where he could get a new wig from... I said, "Not off the top of my head!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me… I said, "What the hellmann?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 4, 2021 Share Posted December 4, 2021 This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault… Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted December 5, 2021 Share Posted December 5, 2021 10 hours ago, narre said: This years novelty Prince Andrew Christmas Advent Calendar has been scrapped due to a design fault… Apparently, only the flaps from 12-16 would open! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 1 hour ago, superjack said: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 Knock knock Who's there? Des Des who? Des Lynam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 On 03/12/2021 at 15:30, **** the SPFL said: Some book titles from my youth Rusty bed springs by I.P. Knightly Tiger in the bed by Claude Balls Nudes in the wood by Major Cockstand Nails on the bannister by R.S. Tornaway crap but still remember them from schooldays What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 What do you call a guy who watches 100 Donald Duck cartoons a day? A quack addict. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 4 hours ago, Sawdust Caesar said: What the butler saw by Mustafa Nutherlook A night in a haunted house by Hugo Phirst Under the Terraces by Seymour Cheeks The Longest Tool by Juan Hung-Lo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 11, 2021 Share Posted December 11, 2021 6 hours ago, rudi must stay said: Knock knock Who's there? Des Des who? Des Lynam ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Jimmy, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation, Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmy's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmy scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 Paddy takes his son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, "this elephant can tell how old you are with one look." Paddy's son shouts, "how old am I?" The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. "Wow," says Paddy, "that's right my boy is 6." Paddy then shouts to the elephant, "How old am I?" The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. "Beejayzus," says Paddy, "He's right, I'm Farty two" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambo_jim2001 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 See they have discovered oil in the Irish sea..cannie use it though..coz it's too thick..🤕 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 What are the fastest oatcakes? Nairn's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said: See they have discovered oil in the Irish sea..cannie use it though..coz it's too thick..🤕 While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like. A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001 how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences. "For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell". "I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer". Edited December 22, 2021 by Ulysses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 2 hours ago, Ulysses said: While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like. A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001 how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences. "For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell". "I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer". We need a "touche" emoji. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 6 hours ago, Ulysses said: While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like. A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001 how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences. "For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell". "I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer". 3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: We need a "touche" emoji. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 3 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: We need a "touche" emoji. We already have one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 4 hours ago, superjack said: Can we get a smaller version of this guy as a JKB smiley? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 8 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: We need a "touche" emoji. Old joke about the fella in a pub in Kerry. He decides he'll amuse himself and asks the barman "would you have change of an eighteen pound note?" Barman replies "No bother at all, sir. Would you prefer two nines or three sixes?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jambo_jim2001 Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 12 hours ago, Ulysses said: While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like. A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001 how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences. "For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell". "I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer". I bow to your superior wit and shorter leg 🤪😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 13 hours ago, Ulysses said: While we're waiting for you to post a punchline for that one, here's one you might like. A bloke was saying to Jambo_jim2001 how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences. "For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, and if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell". "I think I see what you mean", said Jambo_jim2001, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer". Hoisted with his own Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 5 hours ago, redjambo said: Hoisted with his own English tourist walks into a Dublin boozer and orders a pint, and adds "and could I have some of your famous Dublin wit?" Barman replies, "Certainly sir. Would you prefer dry or sparkling?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 22, 2021 Share Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) Edited December 22, 2021 by Ulysses Oops, wrong thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 we all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 28, 2021 Share Posted December 28, 2021 I went to a fetish restaurant yesterday. I got toed in the hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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